<h1>155- mom2collegekids: probably we won’t see eye to eye on this. I think I did a great job as a stay at home parent. I’m sure I could have found a nanny or daycare situation to do just as good a job of daily child care. I could have found a school that did just as good a job of educating them as I did with the homeschooling. I did what I did because I saw it as my life’s work. It was my dream job. I was just extremely lucky to be able to have the dream job. I absolutely get that. If I had been interested in a different kind of life’s work, I would have made excellent arrangements for my children to be taken care of by others during my working hours. Or I would have married someone who wanted to stay home.</h1>
<p>ETA: It is an absolute luxury to be able to think about fulfilling life’s work and the dream job and not just about desperately needing a paycheck to put a roof over the family and food on the table. I realize that. And also that an accident of birth more often than not puts someone in the situation of thinking about and choosing dream jobs.</p>
<p>I stayed at home after D1 was born 25 years ago. H and I were in our 30’s and had worked for about ten years before we became parents. My job at the time was working with high risk kids and their families and trying to break the cycle of high school drop outs/poverty/teen pregnancy. After working in that environment we decided that I should stay home. H has always had a good job but with me being home and being there for our girls he was able to take on more and eventually run the company. It has been a partnership and he tells everyone he wouldn’t have his position if I hadn’t stayed at home. Now that both Ds have finished their undergrad schools I wouldn’t mind finding an outside job. I am, however, very picky and wouldn’t work evenings or weekends. I have no regrets about staying at home but I tell my girls that they need to always protect themselves and if that means staying in the work force then I will be available for childcare! :)</p>
<p>I always worked part-time–not for the money, but because I wanted to stay in my field. I found part-time work totally unrewarding. There’s generally no upward trajectory, the benefits are usually non-existant, there’s a sense among co-workers who work full-time that you aren’t really serious about your career because you aren’t working 24/7, and you rarely get interesting projects/assignments. If I were to do it over again, I would have continued to work full-time so that I could get to the point where I could have flexibility. Also, and I didn’t realize this until it was too late, if you wait to go back full-time and you want a job with more responsibility or career potential, you may go up against age discrimination. </p>
<p>Once my youngest was in college, I decided to look for a full-time position. At one interview–which had gone very well–the interviewer looked at my resume and said, “how old are you?” I told him and he then wrote my age (54 at the time) on the top of my resume and circled it. He went on to say–“I don’t think you can do it.” He explained that there was a path toward moving ahead that people followed to get to higher levels in the company. He thought that given my age, I’d be bored as I worked to the higher levels with more responsibility. He then told me that I looked 15 years younger than I was and that I should hid my age on my resume as much as possible. I found that interview totally demoralizing and just stopped looking for full-time work. I suppose I could have looked for work in a different (non-corporate setting) or go out on my own (which I just didn’t want to do). In the end, I’m fine with my choices. My only advice would be to tell SAHM that if they think they want to work–do it before you’re over 40.</p>
<p>Well, the custody arrangements in many states have changed over time so that “joint” custody is allowed and does provide for a more equal split of time with direct responsibility for the child (ren). But, my experience with a 1990 decree was that the rights under the decree were only there for if and when the ex’s cannot negotiate the reality of their situation.</p>
<p>It is interesting to me that it seems to be a female thing to dwell on who is “doing all the parenting.” I not only exercised my rights under the decree, I had a standing offer to my ex that if she needed to have someone care for our Son “on her shift” I’d take him with or without a “trade.” </p>
<p>I covered the parent-teacher conferences. About ½ the time she did not make them. But, I’d call her or she’d call me and we would discuss what had been said at those meetings. I did not think of this as “out parenting” her. I would have been there if we were still married or if she was dead.</p>
<p>I get a fair number of appeals referred from some long time domestic relations lawyers. One such attorney told me of how this goes in divorces of upper middle class folks. She said that if you represent the party that worked outside the home and the other spouse is attempting to make a claim of having done all the parenting, etc., the discovery and deposition of that party so claiming includes the (often) ever increasing level of expenditures over the course of the marriage after the birth of the children started</p>
<p>Bigger house(s), more expensive autos, more and better furnishings, higher end clothes, better jewelry and pricier vacations. The SAH parent is asked to identify all occasions where that parent objected to these expenditures on the basis that they would rather have the working spouse provide more parenting help and less money to be able to parent more fully. They are also asked to identify all expensive gifts from the working spouse that they refused with the explanation that they’d rather have more parenting time from that spouse. Often, the complaining spouse can be shown to have actually have made many of the increasingly expensive purchases that the working spouse paid for.</p>
<p>I could see how that could play out. In my career as a RN, none of that applies. Since I come in when they haven’t been able to staff properly, the other nurses are usually thrilled to see me, because if I hadn’t come in, they would have been really really stretched. The only bad side for me is no benefits.</p>
<h1>164 - For my husband, the “dream job” had to include flexibility for parenting time. He was plenty hands-on. After we had children, all job related decisions were made putting the children’s interests first. It was never about money (beyond a reasonable living wage) and material goods. It is a miracle to me we are as well off financially as we are - just blind luck.</h1>
<p>ETA: we copy our elders. My Dad limited hours in private practice so he could spend time with the family. Unusual in his profession in his day. (doctor)</p>
<p>“At one interview–which had gone very well–the interviewer looked at my resume and said, “how old are you?” I told him and he then wrote my age (54 at the time) on the top of my resume and circled it. He went on to say–“I don’t think you can do it.” He explained that there was a path toward moving ahead that people followed to get to higher levels in the company. He thought that given my age, I’d be bored as I worked to the higher levels with more responsibility. He then told me that I looked 15 years younger than I was and that I should hid my age on my resume as much as possible.”</p>
<p>I’m perfectly aware of the reality of age discrimination, but what kind of a fool virtually invites a lawsuit with comments like that?</p>
<p>That was me. No question about it. I loved it when the boys could talk, feed themselves, and go to the bathroom by themselves. They were fascinating people and I loved being able to explain the world to them.</p>
<p>The guy who asked the age is a fool, but he could just deny asking. My friend was asked all sorts of illegal questions, and the interviewer simply denied it. If you have the time and energy, you can push it. If you are looking for a job in an area where they all talk to each other in the field, then you’ve just sealed your denial envelope. These days, a lot of those things, can be looked up on line anyways, so there is no getting around the fact that your age is going to be known if it is something that the prospective employer feels is something he wants to have.</p>
<p>Very well said. I don’t “miss” the baby / infant stage at all. My niece is 9 years old and that’s the age I wish I could go back with my kids. So much more rewarding than an infant.</p>
<p>My MIL had a full-time housekeeper and didn’t work. So did my SIL, and so does my husband’s best friend’s wife who is a SAHM. I had a full-time housekeeper / nanny but I worked full time. So on one hand I can be judgmental and sniff and say - well, <em>I</em> was working, it wasn’t like I was just doing my nails or eating bon-bons but you know something? At the end of the day, being jealous of other people is just about one’s own issues. I admit, it would have been nice to have had the luxury of a) not having to work and b) having child care so I could have done some of my own interests, or done more individual activities with my twins than I did. So, you know, is it “judgmental” or is it “jealousy”? </p>
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<p>Yes, let’s make sure we file this away for the “teachers work just as hard as everyone else” threads! LOL. (I have no dog in that fight, just think it’s amusing that you can’t have it both ways.)</p>
<p>My D is a young teacher and works very hard. Long hours, summers and Saturdays by choice. HOWEVER, when she chose her career, in the back of her mind was always the fact that she could have a certain amount of flexibility based on the stage of her career and her family life. She was telling me yesterday that she plans to do the Saturdays and summers to boost her downpayment until she has kids, then she expects to scale back until they are old enough to have activities without her and when she will want to boost savings for retirement and college. Which, to me, is the ideal situation.</p>
<p>My Dad needed to be fed and changed at the end of his life. But, not non compos until the very, very end. Mom had to deal with that and luckily it lasted only a few months and she had the money to get help.</p>
<p>It is going to be interesting to see if the people who need to be fed and changed in their elder years that don’t have the funds to have help do it are going to understand that their adult children may not care to be their care giver.</p>
<p>*” I not only exercised my rights under the decree, I had a standing offer to my ex that if she needed to have someone care for our Son “on her shift” I’d take him with or without a “trade.” *</p>
<p>I think that comes under “first right of refusal” that is in many divorce decrees. That means that Spouse #1 can’t use “other babysitting” if Spouse #2 is “willing & able.” </p>
<p>PG…I have never been jealous of my SIL…not for a second. I could have afforded daycare, at least part-time daycare, for my kids when I was at home. H was making pretty good money by that point. However, to me, that would have been weird. Why be an “at home mom” if you’re not going to “mother”? I’m not the mani/pedi spray-tan spa type so what the heck would I be doing while they’re in day-care? I would have gone to work!</p>
<p>Yes, I do think it’s odd for a teacher to have her kids in full-time daycare everyday in the summer while she’s home for 3 months. That’s not the same as having a housekeeper. I had a housekeeper for much of the time that I was home with my kids, simply because my house is too big and I’d be cleaning 24/7 if I didn’t. lol H & I preferred that I spend more time with the kids and a “normal amount” of time doing home chores. </p>
<p>As for teachers, I don’t try to have it “both ways”. While I do think good teachers are good workers, I don’t think that they work a 40+ hour week for 50 weeks per year (assuming a 2 week vaca). They do have more time off than a typical full-time worker. The teachers that I know are good workers, but of the ones with minor-aged children usually are the first to admit that they like/chose their careers so that they could go to afternoon sports or be home more with their kids…especially in the summers. Heck the fact that some teachers take on other jobs over the summer is evidence that teachers really do have that time off. </p>
<p>Yes, during the school year, some teachers take their work home with them…I have seen teachers grading papers while Junior or Missy is playing basketball…but many other careers don’t allow that freedom. A nurse can’t take her patients’ files with her and work on those while watching DD at gymnastics. </p>
<p>So, I’m not trying to have it both ways. Maybe some other people do, but I don’t otherwise I would have been thinking that my SIL is spending 3 months in the summer working all day on lesson plans.</p>
<p>^^^An interesting comeback to articles such as the one in the OP. </p>
<p>I chose to be a SAHM for many reasons, including that it was the best decision for me and my family in our individual circumstances. Most people, men or women don’t have the luxury of choice. Certainly, early on it was a financial sacrifice that we didn’t make without careful consideration of ALL the options. </p>
<p>In an overly broad article like the one linked in the OP, there is no room for individual scenarios. I was able to afford to step back from my career when it was a doable sacrifice, but with little risk in the longer term of ending up in the author’s position. For one thing, I had the kind of career I could have fallen back on had that been necessary. We had life and disability insurance and our assets have always been considered by both of us to have been jointly earned.</p>
<p>I think the real point articles like this are trying to make is that even if some think they can afford to become SAHMs, the reality is they probably can’t, at least not if you are talking college tuitions and retirement funds.</p>
<p>I’d have hired full-time help in a heart beat to help me with our kids when they were young, if we could have afforded it. A friend sent her recently retired nanny my way for an interview. She was looking for part-time work. The woman looked at my house and my kids and said she really couldn’t see getting into it all again. I hired teenagers to help out. My husband pointed out it wasn’t worth it to most people to help with our kids. They were pretty challenging during the early years.</p>
<p>I wasn’t saying that providing physical care is intrinsically worse than other aspects of parenting. I was simply trying to point out that the nature of parenting changes drastically as the children reach different ages. </p>
<p>Personally, I liked the infant stage, despite the demands of physical care and lack of sleep. The stage I disliked was the toddler years. In my opinion, the fact that human mobility kicks in about two years before the earliest signs of common sense is proof that there is no such thing as intelligent design.</p>
<p>07DAD: We hired a full-time caregiver to feed and change our parent. The care giving takes place in the parent’s home. Children get to spend “quality time” with the parent. I think it’s a nice analogy. I have a whole lot of respect these days for home health care workers.</p>
<p>If you need to have daycare for part of the year, you need to have a spot all of the year. Anyone who gives up the spot for three months will be looking for a new one every year. I would have lost my mind if I had to do that.</p>
I have no regrets about staying at home but I tell my girls that they need to always protect themselves and if that means staying in the work force then I will be available for childcare! :)</p>