Regrets of a Stay at Home Mom

Parent Cafe
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<p>*At least in my group, there IS an awareness of the male parents who never show up for anything relating to the child. They are not judged favorably. Just as there is for the moms who aren’t there. In my experience it is the females who are the most sensitive to this judgment, but there is a negative judgment of the absentee dads. *</p>

<p>In our area, there is also an awareness of dads who never show up for anything (not even for the “couples stuff”), but it seems that any “negative judgement” levied depends on the type of job he has and if he does come when off-work. If it’s a normal M-F 8-5 job and he never shows up, then judgment happens because the assumption is that “he can’t be bothered” or is selfish. However, in the case of my friend’s physician H, whose specialty has super-crazy long hours, no judgment happens when he can’t make a number of things. He’s there when he can be…he just can’t be at 6 pm basketball games or whatever.</p>

<p>One thing that I don’t think has been mentioned (or I missed it) is how hard it is for some couples to transition from being a “one person working, one person at-home” family to a “two person working” family. After years of having the SAHM managing all the “home stuff”, many H’s look forward to the add’l money coming in, and sometimes are overly promising about how much they’ll actually do once their wives return working. </p>

<p>Yes, housekeepers can be employed, but we all know that having someone come in for a few hours every other week or every week does NOT eliminate the daily chores that have to get done…laundry, cooking, daily kitchen cleaning, in-between bathroom cleanings, general picking up the house, grocery shopping, pet-care, etc. </p>

<p>And yes, I know that some H’s are super about cooking meals, doing laundry, etc, and when their wives return to work these guys really step up. However, there are some who have become so habituated to not doing many chores, that they can’t transition well…even with the best of intentions.</p>

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<p>“I withdrew from a partnership and went into private practice to be able to raise my Son. That way I could work on the school cafeteria line, be at sports events, do the doctor’s appointments etc.”</p>

<p>I’m glad (truly) that you got to do all of these things and enjoyed them.</p>

<p>I just want to note that parents can show their engagement in many different ways. Some people prefer the “volunteer at my kid’s school” route (scout leader, coach, room mom type of thing). Other people prefer more individual pursuits - I’ll spend time w my kid cooking or playing games or just hanging out. </p>

<p>I think there is sometimes a “show” aspect to the former - oh, look at me, I’m so involved at the school I practically live there, aren’t I the best - and while I don’t doubt your sincerity in the least, sometimes it feels kind of fake and one-uppy to me.</p>

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<p>“However, in the case of my friend’s physician H, whose specialty has super-crazy long hours, no judgment happens when he can’t make a number of things. He’s there when he can be…he just can’t be at 6 pm basketball games or whatever.”</p>

<p>This would describe my H, who is an ob-gyn - who would stand in the back during school plays hoping the beeper didn’t go off. But I honestly don’t get why he would even give one moment’s thought to whether some random parent in the audience would be “judging” him anyway. Or if my kids’ classmates’ mothers all wanted to meet at Starbucks and gossip that I stopped being room mom in second grade – well, let 'em. I honestly don’t understand why these other people are anything to you beyond trees falling in the forest.</p>

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<p>It does happen Pizza. My dad was very involved in all aspects of the athletic programs in our town but still involved with us individually. There were other fathers that were involved in the league and spent no time with their own kids. I am sure the same can happen with the moms.</p>

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<p>I am really enjoying this thread!</p>

<p>I understand very few couples have the luxury of being able to live on one income. And not many have careers they find so fulfilling they love to get up in the morning and don’t plan to retire. There are some couples where one spouse is in that position because of the support and flexibility of a “non-working” spouse. In those cases, when there is enough income, I fail to see why the SAHM or SAHD should be expected to go out and get a job when the children leave home, unless they want to do so, and can find something enjoyable. Why should they be expected to take a less than satisfying job for a few decades because they haven’t contributed income up to that point? I just see it as early, phased retirement myself, not as lazy entitlement. </p>

<p>And yes, I agree absolutely with bevhills about protecting yourself. If you are a stay at home spouse, you need financial safeguards. When an equal number of men stay home, I imagine this will become a given. :)</p>

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<p>My guilty secret is that I stayed home with the kids and home schooled because it was fun for me. They would have be fine (maybe better off :eek:) in other situations. It did make my husband’s life simpler and calmer than having them in school. We chose what worked for the parents as well as the kids. Sometimes I act all like a martyr but the real reason I stayed home with the kids was because that’s what I wanted to do. I had that life plan since I was around six years old. I was lucky I could do it.</p>

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<p>Right. Staying home, in most cases, does limit your later options. It is important to recognize that. I had really planned on more children spread over more years. That didn’t work out. Lots of people have career goals that just don’t work out. Overall, I’m pretty satisfied with what I accomplished “staying home” When I’m too bored with retirement, there’s always CC :)</p>

<p>ETA: huge applause for 07DAD</p>

<p>also emphatically disagreeing kelsmom is a loser</p>

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<h1>*“However, in the case of my friend’s physician H, whose specialty has super-crazy long hours, no judgment happens when he can’t make a number of things. He’s there when he can be…he just can’t be at 6 pm basketball games or whatever.”</h1>

<p>This would describe my H, who is an ob-gyn - who would stand in the back during school plays hoping the beeper didn’t go off. But I honestly don’t get why he would even give one moment’s thought to whether some random parent in the audience would be “judging” him anyway. Or if my kids’ classmates’ mothers all wanted to meet at Starbucks and gossip that I stopped being room mom in second grade – well, let 'em. I honestly don’t understand why these other people are anything to you beyond trees falling in the forest.*</p>

<p>Oh I agree that the busy person shouldn’t care what others think. And, the “others” shouldn’t be gossiping or thinking badly of what the busy person can or can’t do. </p>

<p>However, it’s probably a bit of human nature to “think badly” of the person who has the time, but chooses to put his/her own interests before their children’s…all the time. (Heck, I have a teacher-SIL who kept her kids in daycare EVERYDAY during ALL summers so she wouldn’t have to deal with them much…and then she’d have them IN BED by 6:30 pm (eat, bath, bed)! You’d have to Mother Teresa not to have a few judgment thoughts about that. lol All the mom-teachers I know love the fact that their careers allow them MORE time with their kids than many other careers. )</p>

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<p>When my oldest was in elementary school, I was the only working mom in the class. She was not invited to all sorts of things because the other moms didn’t know me. Which was pretty outrageous since my husband was the lunch dad all through those years. It was very painful to me, but eventually it all evened out and pretty much all those women ended up with jobs because time and tuition wait for no mom.</p>

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<h1>146 Basically I’m not judging your SIL because not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on parent and some don’t know it until they try. I see nothing wrong with hiring out the hands-on parenting to qualified professionals. I imagined my choice to do the day to day hands-on parenting (SAHM) as a career choice and value those who do this for children not their own. It’s tough work.</h1>

<p>I am definitely not Mother Teresa</p>

<p>I am not judging 07DAD’s first wife.</p>

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<p>*I fail to see why the SAHM or SAHD should be expected to go out and get a job when the children leave home, unless they want to do so, and can find something enjoyable. </p>

<p>Why should they be expected to take a less than satisfying job for a few decades because they haven’t contributed income up to that point? I just see it as early, phased retirement myself, not as lazy entitlement. *</p>

<p>I agree with you. </p>

<p>That said, when I returned to work, I LOVED my job…loved, loved, loved it! And I was very good at it. I was working about 52 hours a week - never even stopping for lunch…and loved it. My H loved the second income coming in, but my dear H is AWFUL when it comes to doing home chores. And when I say awful, I mean about the worst that can be. He happily promised to do A, B, C, and so forth before I started work, but in actuality, he only would make sure that the pets’ water and food bowls were full each morning. We did have a housekeeper come in every-other-week and a weekly yard service, but as mentioned above, there is still a lot of other things to do. Believe me, we tried writing up a “I’ll do these and you do those” chore lists…that didn’t work…even when H chose the chores that he was supposed to do. H comes from a family where the kids didn’t do any chores - they had daily “hired help”. They’ve been long-trained to think that all of their “off time” is free time. It became very apparent to both of us that it wasn’t fair to me at all. My H’s response??? Let’s eat out for all meals and send out all the laundry. lol Really??? No. Actually, we tried the eating out for dinner thing and that just made me gain a few pounds! :frowning: That had to stop otherwise I would need a new wardrobe! </p>

<p>So, after awhile we determined that me working a regular job wasn’t working. :frowning: So, I’ve purchased more rentals and I manage those…including a “short term” vacation rental which alone takes a good bit of time. I manage all aspects and even do minor repairs and installations and do all painting. This way I can still manage our home, our pets, our vacation home, and our rentals, while still “earning money.” </p>

<p>I’m lucky that I was able to “buy” my job…and I love doing it, too. However, if I had to work a “regular job,” I’d love that, too, but I know from experience that I’d hate having to come home to all the chores while dear H is watching TV, at the gym, or golfing. lol</p>

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What about the other partner? Many people who are breadwinners work less than satisfying jobs for decades to hold up their parts of the bargains that they made for their families. Or they find that a job that was rewarding at 35 is exhausting at 55. Or they have always wanted to do X and it’s now or never. My personal feeling (and being in that position in the next year or so), is that major transition periods in a family require assessment and communication by the partners in the marriage. It seems a bit unfair to me that only one partner would get to make changes at the time that the kids are grown. Maybe the partner who always worked hard at a lucrative job would like to scale that back, but could only do so if his or her spouse took on some of the breadwinning. My husband will retire many years before I will and I know that we will have to re-evaluate our life and make sure it is still fair and takes both of our needs into consideration. I wanted to be at home when our kids were little and couldn’t. I worked because it was the right thing to do, but I was angry and resentful. I have since come to terms with that, but I could see it being a problem if at 55 he was retired and golfing and living as he chooses while I am still working the same job and commuting the same 3-4 hours a day.</p>

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<p>*Basically I’m not judging your SIL because not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on parent and some don’t know it until they try. I see nothing wrong with hiring out the hands-on parenting to qualified professionals. *</p>

<p>I guess I don’t see “qualified professionals” as being really able to “parent.” I see them as “stand bys”…not the real thing. As great as professionals can be, they’re not your child’s parents. You still have to direct what’s best for your child. The child needs YOU. If professionals could truly parent as well as “real parents” then “group homes” would serve foster kids well, but they don’t as evidence has shown. Children need parents parenting them. </p>

<p>I totally agree that some parents have no idea of how they’re going to like being a parent until the baby comes home from the hospital. I get that…completely. Such a person has a child, sees that child-rearing isn’t “their bag” and then chooses to not have more kids. To me, it’s odd to go on and have a bunch of kids if parenting isn’t your thing.</p>

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<p>zoosermom: Although I didn’t make myself clear, I was specifically talking about only those situations where the stay at home spouse has helped make it possible for the “working” spouse to have the dream job. And the former stay at home spouse would be doing something she/he doesn’t enjoy to make money. I don’t see that. When there is enough income to support the family without the second income.</p>

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Totally agree. My SIL (daughter of the mom who never wanted kids) didn’t want kids, either, but somehow ended up with three. My SIL and BIl and good people, hardworking middle class people with a nice home, fine citizens. Their kids are and always have been a mess. Very serious problems. I have absolutely no idea why because on paper they did everything right. But the kids didn’t turn out well. I truly believe it is somehow connected to the fact that they always said for years that they didn’t want kids and didn’t plan for them or have the mindset that would help them prepare. Of course, my SIL didn’t have a good maternal role model to depend on, either. One of my girls wants kids. She and the boyfriend think about things like schools and godparents and daycare. My other D doesn’t want kid. at this point. She has always said that she plans to parent bulldogs. I am fine with that.</p>

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<p>mom2college kids: I think choosing excellent day care is an important part of parenting for most families. I am not sure the expectation we had for a brief time in this century (oh wait! the last century:eek:), a mother home alone with her children, was ever before the norm in child rearing. I am not even sure a mother at home alone with children is the very best kind of child rearing. Until we value and respect our child care workers, I don’t see how the moms who choose staying home as their life’s work will get the respect they are due.</p>

<p>sermon over ;)</p>

<p>ETA: well not quite over - lots of excellent citizens come out of daycare.</p>

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<p>Although I didn’t make myself clear, I was specifically talking about only those situations where the stay at home spouse has helped make it possible for the “working” spouse to have the dream job.</p>

<p>I’m not Zoosermom, but I understood where you were coming from.</p>

<p>And, another issue that can come up when a SAHP returns to work: That new employee-spouse is on the bottom rung and doesn’t have the privileges that a long-time employed spouse may have. </p>

<p>My H has LONG experienced super-flex-time…and I mean FLEX time. He can come and go as he pleases much of the time. He can take time off at a moment’s notice. When I did return to work, I asked for ONE DAY off for an important family event and was told “no.” The lack of flexibility with my job annoyed my H as well as we had been used to “taking off somewhere” at a moment’s notice or being able to attend any family functions that came up. </p>

<p>Although I was always early to my job, God-forbid if I had ever been late. It just wouldn’t have been tolerated. H can show up 2 hours late for work and as long as he didn’t miss an important meeting, no biggie at all.</p>

<p>H has his dream job because he was able to focus so much on work, while I managed home-life.</p>

<p>I think choosing excellent day care is an important part of parenting for most families</p>

<p>See I dont think excellent day care is “parenting”…I think it’s like choosing a good school.</p>

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But what if the career spouse wanted to make a change at that point and the income would be decreased? Shouldn’t that be as valid of a possibility?</p>

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<p>me, #145, the only situation I am addressing. One spouse is loving the job, would do it without pay, will never retire. Enough money.</p>

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<p>I feel really lucky to only have to work part time, thanks to DH’s salary potential (he is in sales but also development). He has made enough to support us all from the 3rd year of our marriage, though I worked full time for a while because I needed to in order to become really competent in my career. </p>

<p>I don’t make much, but after taking a sabbatical for awhile to get girls through middle school years, I remember how good it felt to get back into it and get a paycheck again.</p>

<p>I don’t, however, enjoy getting up at 4:30 to do so. A cup of coffee and a shower usually gets me motivated, but the alarm is a tough one.</p>

<p>Whatever works for the family and makes you happy, I say!</p>

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<p>I don’t consider myself an “awful” mom…but truth is I couldn’t have stayed home with the kids…if I had then I would have become an “awful mom.” Fortunately, I married a guy that was I think an early pioneer of the SAHD era. He worked full time, then part time, then home based self employment and loved the kid duties when I couldn’t because I was traveling or when I couldn’t reschedule and when I didn’t “want to.” He doesn’t contribute much, a pittance actually, to our family finances, but it’s all good and our family unit is strong which is important also. I actually think all three of my sons now have a great perspective on what it takes to be married and have a family. </p>

<p>However, it is getting increasingly more difficult financially for one parent to stay home and I worry for the kids. “Our” generation has or will benefit from an immense overturn of wealth when our parents die. I have no confidence that we will be able to do the same for our children…heck many families like us are spending down a quarter of a million dollars or more just to get three kids a basic college education. That’s a heck of alot of money that could be increasing and doubling over time to pass on that simply won’t be there for that generation.</p>

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<p>I don’t get that.</p>

<p>What you learn at that point is what it’s like to be the parent of an infant, and infancy is a very short stage in the overall process of raising a child. </p>

<p>Many people who have a low tolerance for feedings and diapers and getting up in the middle of the night may find much satisfaction in the later stages of parenthood.</p>