<p>
</p>
<p>Crazy as it sounds, I would give up my career to work with kids in some capacity if I could live in a place with a lower cost of living. And I would also be the kind of grandmother who would gladly move where my kids are so I could take care of theirs.</p>
<p>(And by the way, these children would have VERY limited time in front of the tablet. :))</p>
<p>poetgrl, #340</p>
<p>Did they consider the option of living apart for optimum career benefit but continuing the relationship?</p>
<p>No. For her that is a deal breaker. She doesn’t have any interest in a long distance relationship. Too stressful.</p>
<p>She has huge upside where she is. She’s very good at what she does. The other opportunity won’t go away, anyway. The people have told her she has a spot with them any time she wants it. (They almost seem more interested now that they have to wait a few years. It’s that kind of industry)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I certainly do not think this is true. </p>
<p>I am 100% committed to myself, my career, and my relationship. My fiance is not. Not by a long shot. He gave up everything to follow me for school. He couldn’t care less about his job or where he lives and he is certainly not committed to them. </p>
<p>Perhaps you meant something different.</p>
<p>I think it’s impossible to say what it is I mean on this issue. </p>
<p>Perhaps there are many men who would willingly put a really great career on the backburner and follow a woman everywhere she wanted to go without it being a negotiation the way women did in my generation.</p>
<p>I doubt it. But, maybe there are.</p>
<p>No, I don’t think many, not even of my generation, but certainly some :)</p>
<p>Re: spouses who are transferred a lot. That’s the norm for a military family. I married an academy grad and one of the reasons that he served his commitment and then got out was because I had a career. That was back in the '80’s when it was very looked down upon for military officers wives to work (I was an outlier).</p>
<p>As for the respect issue for SAHMs, well I can only speak for my own experiences, but I never, not once felt as if anyone disrespected my choice to stay home. In my experience people were far more negative toward moms who worked.</p>
<p>Actually, I think many wished they could have stayed home with their kids as well and I felt very fortunate that I was able to be home with my kids. I didn’t have to worry about my self esteem or getting more education–I figured I was stopping out of my legal career and would return, which I did. I know some working moms don’t respect SAHMs, especially after the kids are at school full days and don’t see why the SAHM doesn’t at least work part time.</p>
<p>I think the earnings disparity is what makes the choice as to who would put a really great career on the back burner. With “really great” not being as great as the other with all things put on the table. My SIL was making nearly 3X what my brother was. He was an officer in the army. They did have long distances between them, she settled for other than top choices, he applied for locations that were not optimal for him. In the end, he retired and followed her whereever her career took her. Made the most sense financially and she loves her job.</p>
<p>I was making more than H when we married. He loved his job but I honestly was ready for a break to raise kids. It worked well for us and I was always grateful that H mostly loved his job and I enjoyed being there for the kids. Generally, if one or both spouses require transfer and or lots of travel, something has to give. H was able to travel as much as his job offered/required and we were able to accompany at least once or twice a year for many years.</p>
<p>“time spent raising children was a huge contribution to society.” - That’s true… whether SAHM/SAHF or not. </p>
<p>When I was working there were SAHM moms that occasionally helped me on child transport issues. But we helped others when they needed it, including a SAHM mom of 4 that couldn’t get to a soccer field and a violin lesson at the same time. “It takes a village.”</p>
<p>Yes, it is difficult when you have 4 kids. Kind of hard to be at 4 different places at the same time.</p>
<p>*Generally, if one or both spouses require transfer and or lots of travel, something has to give. *</p>
<p>I agree. And, if there’s later a divorce, then the spouse, whose career was sacrificed, needs to be compensated…for a long time.</p>
<p>I’ve had the best of both worlds. Part of it is that I did some long range planning, and some of it was luck. And most importantly, having a supportive spouse. When I had D1, I remember figuring out that I would clear $100/week after paying for childcare, commuting costs, etc. and figured I could pick up a pt gig at the supermarket if we really needed the $100/week. It just didn’t make sense to work 40 hours/week, commute etc. and have someone else watch my kiddo for the majority of my paycheck. DH was on board. And both of our families would have had a lot to say about me working out of the home. But really it was about me. I knew I would be stressed out beyond belief if I worked when my kids were young. Not because of guilt (although I would have plenty of that) but because of the insanity of getting a kiddo out to daycare by 8, then working, then rushing to pick up the kiddo, then making dinner, then laundry, bath & bed. We lived paycheck to paycheck, and every moment wasn’t blissful mommy time (LOL.) DH was able to take a job that involved travel and he started moving on up. Although I say I was a SAHM for 15 years, the reality is that for the majority of that time, I had some type of PT gig going on, did a lot of volunteer work, and applied to grad school. I knew that I had to keep my computer skills up because those would only become more important (I had a lot of mommy friends who were helpless even with email; absolutely self defeating.) </p>
<p>My DH is a fantastic guy, and always supported me in the decisions I made. And also recognized that he/we couldn’t have had the home/family life that was important to us, with his travel schedule, if I had worked FT before the kids could drive themselves. At least not unless we had FT help. </p>
<p>I finished my grad degree when D1 was in 10th grade, and started a FT job in a career that I mindfully chose (and love) when she was in 11th grade. I had hoped for a gradual transition, but it’s worked out well. My house standards have dropped 
and we certainly don’t eat the same way we used to. But that’s generally my issue, and no one else’s. </p>
<p>True confession: I miss being home. Even though the nest is now empty. And even though I enjoy my job. I had a day off alone at home last week and it was so productive, and I realized all the things that I don’t do/see since I’ve worked FT. Saturdays & Sundays feel different than a random Tuesday at home alone.</p>
<p>I don’t regret staying at home with my kids. We got married after my soph. year of college. I transferred to a new university where DH’s job was and I graduated with a BSN. I immediately began working 3rd shift at a large city hospital. I disliked almost every minute of it. I had S1 eighteen months later. DH had a very demanding job that was a thirty minute commute away and there was no such thing as daycare for the midnight shift. We decided that me staying at home with S1 was our best option.
Two years later I was pregnant again and knew that the cost/headache of daycare was not worth me going back to work and I loved being at home with my son(s). </p>
<p>It worked out for the best for our family. DH has a demanding job with long hours. If I had been working too it would have been nearly impossible for the kids to do the extracurricular stuff that they really loved. I attended many of their events alone because DH couldn’t get away fr. work. If I had a similar job, neither of us could have been there for our kids.</p>
<p>I took a p/t time job teaching preschool when our boys were 12 and 15. The preschool followed the public school schedule. so it’s been perfect for me. Our sons are adults now and on their own. I still have the p/t preschool. It’s the best of both worlds.
My preschool is housed in a building with a fulltime daycare center. The parents of daycare kids seem SO harried all the time (and the kids do too). Kids come in crying and clinging to the parent. A couple of kids is daycare cost around $2000 a month. I guess it’s worth it to them but it was worth it to me to be at home with my kids. Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>*Quote:</p>
<h1>I said that all men are 100% committed to themselves.</h1>
<p>I certainly do not think this is true. </p>
<p>I am 100% committed to myself, my career, and my relationship. My fiance is not. Not by a long shot. He gave up everything to follow me for school. He couldn’t care less about his job or where he lives and he is certainly not committed to them.
*</p>
<p>I think that first post is true for many/most men. Yes, there are some men who really aren’t job-oriented, and who don’t want to put their job/career as a top priority but many/most men do. </p>
<p>Some would argue that many men’s egos and self-worth are somewhat tied to “having a job, earning money, being successful.” </p>
<p>But, there are some men who aren’t that way. I have a BIL who is that way. Never wanted a job/career even tho he has a PhD. He’s 60 years old and has only worked one time for 3 months. He quit because working made him too anxious.</p>
<p>I have a friend who is an engineer by education. She married an engineer who became disabled while in his 50s. They were wholly living on his income, as she was a SAHM and they had one child. Not sure what they’re currently living on, as his disability benefits may have been exhausted. They have not sold their lovely home yet and I believe it sits vacant and aging while they are renting a place near where their S and new DIL attend/ed law school in LA. </p>
<p>The SAHM prays a lot but hasn’t any ideas how to enter the workforce. It doesn’t appear her H can return either.>>>>>>>>>>>></p>
<p>Is she near a college with a School of Engineering? If I were her, I’d look into doing what I had to to polish up my skills and that includes attending classes again, an internship or tutoring with some professors or searching a “returning to the workforce” seminars or whatever it takes. I mean, my goodness, she’s already an engineer!</p>
<p>The SAHM (with engineering degree) wouldn’t be able to get a job as an engineer so easily. I suspect she wouldn’t remember much from what she learned 20 to 30 years ago, not to mentions her previous knowledge maybe pretty out dated.</p>
<p>Yes, for her to polish up by taking some engineering courses so she could enter the job market is definitely an idea, but for many reasons isn’t particularly attractive to her (or her H). I think she contemplated some catering as she is an outstanding cook and loves it, but she is in her 50s or 60s and very timid and not all that certain about entering the workforce for the first time in her life.</p>
<p>She has basically NOT employment history. Her life has revolved around her H and their S. She has never practiced as an engineer, so I think her opportunities for being hired are limited, especially due to her older age.</p>
<p>There are pros/cons to every parenting path, and each family will have different “right answers”. </p>
<p>It is important to note that many examples inthis thread are from couples married 20 to 30 years ago. Back then it was much more common for a primary breadwinner to have a secure long-term job at a company offering free health insurance and a decent annuity retirement pension plan. Today a family with SAHP needs to be more concerned about mitigating the risk of loosing a single income.</p>