<p>HIMom…</p>
<p>Your friend may have a hard time getting into the eng’g field, but maybe not getting into teaching. there is a need for good science and math teachers. If she brushed up in those two areas, she may find good employment.</p>
<p>Since she’s been a mom, she may have honed her “teaching” skills over the last 15 or so years.</p>
<p>If the publics won’t hire her, have her look at the privates. I know that my kids’ private school is always looking for math/science teachers.</p>
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<p>This. </p>
<p>I posted earlier on this thread about the importance of having a 401K. Someone else mentioned life insurance. All of these are issues that need to be considered very carefully these days.</p>
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<p>Jobs were different then in other ways, too.</p>
<p>Thirtysomething years ago, before I started my family, a professional staff member at the place where I worked was publicly reprimanded for allowing her dental office to call her at work to reschedule an appointment. She was told that accepting a personal call of any type was “stealing time” from the company and was therefore forbidden. </p>
<p>Twentysomething years ago, when I was pregnant with my second child, my doctor recommended an amniocentesis. I was told that after the amnio, I would not be allowed to pick up my 3-year-old for the rest of that day – a significant problem because he was in the middle of toilet training but could not get on and off the toilet without assistance. My husband agreed to take that day as a vacation day but felt it necessary to lie to his employer about the reason why. It was not acceptable for a man to admit that he was taking time off to meet his wife’s and child’s needs.</p>
<p>The contrast between these situations and the flexibility routinely given to parents at the company where I now work is stunning.</p>
<p>It’s still rough for parents to reconcile their professional obligations and family obligations. I’m not saying that it isn’t. But it’s easier than it used to be.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>absolutely.</p>
<p>H works with a guy who OFTEN sends in the following email…</p>
<p>(Wife’s name) isn’t feeling well today, so I’m staying home to take care of her and the kids.</p>
<p>In my dad’s day, no man would ever have said those words unless the wife was maybe recuperating from major surgery or something…not for the sniffles or whatever.</p>
<p>I think we are all about the same age. When I was pregnant with D1 25 years ago, I regularly took time off to see my doctor. H went with me to all of my doctor’s appts. I also had amnio done with both kids, both H and I took days off to get the procedure done. I even read some where that electronic equipments were harmful to fetus, so I asked my employer to remove all printers and unnecessary equipments around me, and they complied (with a lot of eye rolling). I worked at 2 different places with 2 different pregnancies and both of those employers were quite accommodating. I also regularly had parent/teacher conferences while at work or had long conversations with my kids. So I am not sure if all employers were that unreasonable or unaccommodating to parents.</p>
<p>^^^
My H went to all of my doctor appts as well, but he’s always had a job with flex-time. </p>
<p>I have friends whose H’s wouldn’t have been able to do this. </p>
<p>Funny fact: One of my oldest childhood friends didn’t become a mom til she was older. Before motherhood, she had NO patience for her female employees who needed any kind of accomodation for family life (kids, pregnancies, etc). She got a rude-awakening once she became pregnant and a mother. She went around apologizing to her female employees for being so narrow-minded and unsympathetic. lol Some people have to “walk in the shoes” before they can have real empathy.</p>
<p>I think I became a better employee/manager after I had my kids. I had a lot more empathy and patience for people.</p>
<p>Some things never change, so though, yes, it’s the SAHMs from years of yore who are now experiencing the downsides and upsides fo their decision not to work and the working moms who are reaping the benefits and having regrets, some of the same issues are in place. The woman has the baby, so the biology is skewed towards her in terms of hormones and physical desire to be with that infant. Nursing makes this even more obvious. So, yes, that is something right there that is not negotiable for all the laws and talk. Some feel it less than others, and maybe some not at all, but there is that critical mass that falls into the category. </p>
<p>And when either parent makes the decision, or both or neither to downsize career to accommodate family, yes, there are ramifications, and risks. You are just entering the chances for all sorts of thing with each decision you make. What happens, you get 100% in your private mix regardless of the odds.</p>
<p>I have friends who truly enjoyed and had wonderful Hallmark days, years with their children and were the top of the top in terms of SAHMs. Then their parters, marriages, finances crashed. Some of the kids had issues in young adulthood. Still does not change the fact that they had all of those wonderful years as SAHMs. How would working part time, full time have changed the consequences, no one can say, as I know moms who did work full time, part time, and things are no better, and they had the drawbacks in those early child raising years too. Then, for some, most of the pieces fell into place, whatever they picked. It’s truly a Roulette wheel of chance with all the combos in there, take your pick and see where it lands.</p>
<p>I have no idea what the best forumulas are. It all depends on the sequence of events that have a lot of chance and fate in there. My brother is rueing the fact that he took time off as SAHD right now, but seriously, he did a lot of good, and a number of his peers who did not are having an equally hard job with unemployment and the job market now. He just has a good reason to lean upon as he was out of commision for a number of years. His wife who was not is equally unemployed right now. So who is to say? </p>
<p>And, yes, when things become your personal problems, they become more your focus. You see the champions all sorts of causes. They tend to be so because they were personally hit. It’s rare people jump in passionately in causes where they did not get personally involved. Being a working mom is no exception. the same with being a SAHM. When I was working part time with my first child, there were many of us in Chicago, in the same boat. With jobs that were upscale, older moms, with a first child trying to have it all. I’m still good friends with these women, and we all went different directions in different gradations of employment and motherhood. I went the extreme of full time career of SAHM with lots of kids. Some went back to work, became the major breadwinner, and found some high level positions that required childcare help and really very little time at home due the their jobs. And everything in between. Marriages fell apart, some stayed to gether, some kids were issues, some did it all the way the parents had hoped, money issues and the jackpot. It all depends on too many factors for even a multivariable analysis. </p>
<p>But one thing we all say, is that we wanted to be with our children, and there are regrets for those who could not at some key times. You don’t get that back. Maybe it’s fine in the end, but when you are experiencing that pain, that day, it’s little solace.</p>
<p>Yes, we have encouraged friend to look to see what she may wish to get employed as, but I believe she feels she needs to keep an eye on her H, who needs to take meds regularly for his mental health. She no longer lives in our state, so have not seen or spoken with her in quite some time. She does a lot of praying.</p>
<p>t is important to note that many examples inthis thread are from couples married 20 to 30 years ago. Back then it was much more common for a primary breadwinner to have a secure long-term job at a company offering free health insurance and a decent annuity retirement pension plan. Today a family with SAHP needs to be more concerned about mitigating the risk of loosing a single income.>>>>>>>></p>
<p>Absolutely right. In our dispensing of life’s lessons, preparing for retirement is one we impressed upon our sons…that it will be here before you know it and you’re mostly responsible for yourself!</p>
<p>Volunteering has been mentioned several times and I just want to say thank you to those who did and do. An untold number of unpaid work is done in this country on a daily basis to make life better for any number of us. Thank you!</p>
<p>Yes, we have encouraged friend to look to see what she may wish to get employed as, but I believe she feels she needs to keep an eye on her H, who needs to take meds regularly for his mental health. She no longer lives in our state, so have not seen or spoken with her in quite some time. She does a lot of praying.</p>
<p>Prayers are good, but they don’t pay the bills unless you win the lottery. </p>
<p>I don’t know how all mental health meds work, but aren’t they mostly morning and night meds? Are there many that require mid-day dispensing? </p>
<p>It’s certainly understandable that she wants to monitor his meds, but I’ve known many people who work full-time and yet still manage a loved one’s meds. </p>
<p>But, as you say, you’re not in touch with her much anymore. Hopefully, someone is advising her with some options that would allow her to bring in some money…even if it’s just substitute teaching. I have a sis who does that…great for someone who wants a flexible schedule. It’s not great pay, but it’s better than nothing.</p>
<p>There is going to be second guessing with either choice. My H and I both worked full time when the kids were toddlers, but we worked different shifts. They never went to daycare and that made our lives a lot easier in some ways (not rushing around to get them to day care in the am) but harder in others, we were always exhausted. We even went for years with different days off. We thought we were so smart saving all that money on day care and being the ones to raise our own children.</p>
<p>Looking back…I don’t know. A little day care wouldn’t have killed them and would have maybe given us a little needed break. H is retired (due to medical issues) and has dealt with the teenage kids for the last 5 years as well as doing all the cooking and household chores (he does refuse,however, to do bathrooms). Our income is much lower but our lives are easier. Our quality of life has definitely gone up with having a stay at home parent.</p>
<p>If we were to separate at this point, he would be on the short end. He counts on me for insurance as well as income. I don’t know the answer to the dilemma of later regrets. I’ve come to the conclusion that we just can’t have it all…and it just is, no regrets!</p>
<p>I don’t think there are easy answers. there are just too many different scenarios going on in each family.</p>
<p>1) Two spouses can’t be tranferring in different directions unless they want/can live separately.</p>
<p>2) When one spouse works super-over-time or travels a LOT, he/she isn’t available to do much/anything at home. It’s understandable if the other spouse works part-time or not at all.</p>
<p>3) every spouse/couple is different personality-wise. One spouse may be really lousy at “home stuff” (hates cooking, hates cleaning, hates yard-work, hates fixing things). One may be rather lazy. One spouse/parent may not be cut-out to do much/any parenting. My FIL had NO patience with kids. He hated “kid noise.” The best thing was for him to be away at his office (he was self-employed). </p>
<p>4) every spouse/couple has very different spending/saving habits. you put two thrifty people together and they may not need much to live on. You put two spendthrifts together and $200k per year isn’t nearly enough. </p>
<p>5) the spacing of children can impact the family and how much each parent can work. </p>
<p>6) special needs children can impact that family and how much both parents can work.</p>
<p>7) Some careers simply don’t pay much or become obsolete.</p>
<p>The thing is that before marriage and kids, it’s really hard for a young couple to really consider all of these things. As mentioned by another poster, sometime you don’t know that you’ll hate doing “kid care” until after the child is born. </p>
<p>Someone mentioned that a couple should negotiate these things prior to marriage and re-negotiate as needed later on. Well, I can tell you from personal experience that later re-negotiations aren’t always going to be well-received. I don’t think that’s totally unusual. </p>
<p>There are many, many, many working women complaining that they’re working 10-20 hrs a week more than their H’s are. Some H’s probably would “re-negotiate”, but obviously a whole bunch aren’t open to any such thing. lol</p>
<p>I just have to share this:</p>
<p>I always worked. We had a live-in nanny, who was wonderful. DH had no idea what went on to make the house run smoothly.</p>
<p>At one point I had to take a week-long business trip. DH said to me on Day 2: “I had no idea how much you did around the house.” </p>
<p>I’ve been proud as a peacock ever since.</p>
<p>*DH said to me on Day 2: “I had no idea how much you did around the house.” *</p>
<p>I have long-concluded that many people (particularly H’s) have no idea how long certain household or child chores take to do because they’ve never done them. </p>
<p>My H has no idea what all goes into planning a party, planning a vacation, or even cooking a meal. he certainly has no idea how long it takes to clean up a house. </p>
<p>I remember one year my mom asked my dad to help her put a leaf in the Dining Room table the day before T-giving. Mom wanted to get the table set up…linens, candles, etc the day before. My dad gave her a hard time because he thought she could wait til Tday to do that. My dad had absolutely NO IDEA of what it took to put on a big Tday dinner…which my mom always did. </p>
<p>Any of you who’ve chaired a big fundraiser or similar also experience this. Those on the outside have no idea of the number of hours demanded to have a successful event.</p>
<p>Yes, H learned a TON when he stayed home with S when S was 3 until 4.5 months. Before then he honestly wondered what one did when one stayed home. After 6 weeks, he had a new and profound appreciation for me and staying at home.</p>
<p>My retirement account may never be the same as my career track friends, but it was the right choice for my family at the time. </p>
<p>My H was lucky enough to have a job that gave him extended time with flex hours at home for many years when kids younger - which was also a gift. </p>
<p>If I had it to do all over again, I would have started a business out of home earlier. I also would have spent less time worried about how clean my house was. I would have been less hung up on keeping up with my women friends who had different career objectives than I did. </p>
<p>In my view, the war on women is usually fought by other women. I felt judged by my friends and my choices. Maybe it was all in my head, but it did not feel like it at the time!</p>
<p>Im in this conversation late, but I am a fulltime RN since college. had my daughter 22 yrs ago and maintained my full time status. It wasnt easy but you really need full cooperation from your spouse. I was lucky that my profession does have flexibility in schedules and I worked 3 12 shifts a week, allowing me to only need my mom 2 days a week. There are difficult choices to make and I was alway a little envious of those moms who chose to SAH. There is an underlying resentment from other women that I know who work towards SAHM. My circle of friends are all professional women(moms) and we love getting together and end up talking about the various things that go on in our respective work environment. Its all part of networking as well. Something professional women need. Fortunately, my husband always worked full time, but had more job changes and salary fluctuations. Iwas the more stable work person. I carry the benefits for my family. I’ve stayed with my same employer for the past 35 yrs, so my salary has really grown and has contributed a very decent income. But, the benefits are that my D has a good work ethic and she is taking care of herself financially( with a little help from me). She graduated from a great college that we would not have afforded had I not worked. I have a small pension that I am now contributing more to since D graduated. I really have no regrets, other than I’m ready to wind down and downsize and get iff the treadmill.</p>
<p>“allowing me to only need my mom two days a week.”</p>
<p>Every family who has been able to use this form of daycare is blessed beyond belief. </p>
<p>Once, for two and a half years, we lived thirty minutes over country roads from my MIL, who was still working full time and thus unavailable for free daycare. Other than that, we have never lived closer than halfway across the country from grandparents. </p>
<p>It looks as though this method of making the daycare issue work is becoming less available as women work full time until retirement and families live farther apart.</p>
<p>I wonder how many of us will be available to our children when they need daycare?</p>