Regrets of a Stay at Home Mom

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am repeating myself, but my bond with mom of son’s best friend since age 3 was highlighted again when we had a 2nd T-day meal at her house. she is a lawyer, and worked while raising 4 children. Her husband a terrific man and lawyer, too. We shared so much through the elementary school years, with my folks helping out on school holidays. Other close friends were teachers. I did not ask SAHMs nor did they offer assistance.</p>

<p>I never resented having to work. My friends in Boston all worked, many cutting back in baby and toddler years. There are less personal doubts if one is doing the “norm” among one’s peer group.</p>

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<p>Me neither. I don’t get how those conversations happen. On what planet of bad manners would someone “criticize” these things, and why wouldn’t one’s reaction be to look at them with a puzzled frown as to why they would say something so stupid and not-of-their-business, versus feel obligated to defend what one did?</p>

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<p>But then they AREN"T YOUR FRIENDS, so why are you calling them friends? </p>

<p>And if some random mother in the park said something, I’m still not sure why I should care. Look, the average American is an idiot, and half of them are below the average. Like some random woman – who for all I know hasn’t got job skills anyone would care about, and who I left in the dust years ago academically and career-wise – says something and I’m supposed to be upset by it? I don’t get the thinking. I honestly don’t.</p>

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<p>Like some random woman – who for all I know hasn’t got job skills anyone would care about, and who I left in the dust years ago academically and career-wise – says something and I’m supposed to be upset by it? </p>

<p>Uhm, do you see why this attitude would bug a SAHM? C’mon.</p>

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<p>I rarely got any flak from anyone about being a SAHM. A lot of my very close friends are career moms who were always such even while raising kids. Some were sole breadwinners, some primary. It varied. Yes, we’d bemoan certain things about our choices but we never gave each other any trouble or snarky remarks. If I got any such remarks, they were from such jerks that I just disregarded them and don’t even remember them.</p>

<p>I knew well what the costs and risks of what I was doing were. Still know them. I am seeing peers who did work, however, end up without the protection they thought they were getting from working, however, which just tells you that no planning is fool proof. If you work all those years in a field that becomes obsolete and overly crowded, you may still end up under and unemployed despite the time you put in to keep your place, and you could be further beheind the financial 8 ball if you made commitments on 2 incomes and now one is threatened. You would have been better off having banked it all, which I don’t know a soul who did that. For that matter, I could have lived on less and saved more.</p>

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<p>I always felt mine went out of her way to make me feel inadequate.</p>

<p>When S1 was 11 weeks old, I was diagnosed with severe hypothyroidism. I was breastfeeding. My endocrinologist told me that this was not a problem for the baby, since “he makes his own thyroid hormone.” </p>

<p>When I told my pediatrician that I had just been diagnosed but that the endo said it was not a problem for the son, since he makes his own, she allegedly misunderstood what I was saying and thought I meant that the endo made up his own thyroid hormone for me to take in his basement or something. </p>

<p>She was terrible.</p>

<p>ETA: But that really is another thread.</p>

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<p>If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it.
Plenty of SAHMs have excellent job skills, are educated, worked in good careers, are very smart and are SAHM’s by choice, not by default - and that includes many of my real-life girlfriends. But they aren’t the ones making snotty comments at the playground.</p>

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<p>Well, I wouldn’t give a hoot about a snotty playground comment either but I do think women are very hard on other women. That includes me. My H previous boss who is now one of his best friends has 3 girls all under 27 and married with children. They never really worked and none are likely ever to have careers outside the home. Jobs, maybe, but not careers. It makes me a little sad. But, it probably shouldn’t. They are very happy.</p>

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<p>If they are very happy, why be even a little sad for them?</p>

<p>I don’t know how much of this is a woman versus woman thing and how much is a POV versus POV thing, regardless of gender. But if people take responsibility for their choices, I can’t see why criticism of those choices from people who chose differently should be more than perhaps a passing annoyance (if that).</p>

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<p>Oh, because I would not be thrilled if my daughter announced that she was marrying her high school boyfriend right after graduation. And, had no inclination to seek any kind of career outside of motherhood. His kids are older than mine and I noted their choices and cringed a little. My bad.</p>

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<p>Right, but women also allow themselves to be upset by random judgments of other women with whom they have nothing in common except the fact that they procreated around the same time. Men don’t seem to fall victim to that very often.</p>

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<p>Oddly, when D was very young and I went back to work the rude and nasty remarks I got were from young, unmarried women who did not have kids. I am talking about them marching up to me and out of the blue simply announcing that they would never go back to work after having a child. What’s up with that?</p>

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<p>Men do similar things when they compare their career accomplishments (or hair loss:)). The fact that women tend to focus more on kids suggests to me that whether we work outside the home or not, we care most deeply about our success as mothers. I know I do.</p>

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<p>^ I think you’re on to something, Sally. And I think that men do get upset by random judgements.</p>

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<p>All of this just reminds me of how much more I like being in my forties. I really lost interest in what other people thought about me, good or bad, in my forties. I don’t know why, but it just happened.</p>

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<p>*Quote:
I have never had anyone, female or male, criticize my childbirth or childrearing choices. How would a conversation like that even happen? Nor did anyone ask me to care for her children if it looked like I had some free time, although a neighbor doctor thought I should let her dog out on the days when she worked out of town, since my baby woud be napping about that time. Say what?</p>

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Me neither. I don’t get how those conversations happen. On what planet of bad manners would someone “criticize” these things, and why wouldn’t one’s reaction be to look at them with a puzzled frown as to why they would say something so stupid and not-of-their-business, versus feel obligated to defend what one did?*</p>

<p>The criticisms aren’t often that direct. They’re more along the lines of:</p>

<p>“I could never stay home with my kids. I’d be too bored. I need adult conversation. I would go nuts listening to babytalk all day. Barney would drive me insane.”</p>

<p>Now, I know that no one can make anyone “feel” a certain way, but it can be annoying to realize that someone is TRYING to make you feel bad…even if you are totally fine with your choices.</p>

<p>In the case of my SIL and breastfeeding, she’d say things like:</p>

<p>“I could never breastfeed because then I’d be stuck with most or all of the feedings. Plus, you never really know how much the baby has eaten. And, I don’t want to have to worry about having a glass of wine.” </p>

<p>So, no, the person isn’t saying things like: “you’re a bad mother because you’re doing X, Y, Z.” lol</p>

<p>Of course, many of us would give someone the hairy eyeball if someone were to directly insult. </p>

<p>Women are gifted verbally. They can sling an attack w/o any bad words at all.</p>

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<p>Exactly, mom2collegekids. </p>

<p>It was the subtle stuff that got me from people who were close friends at the time. </p>

<p>Being older now, I would tell them to stuff it, but as a newbie mom, I did not have the same confidence - particularly if older, veteran moms. I was first in my peer group to have children, but I got these zingers all the way through child #3. By that time, I got it was insecurity of others, but it still hurt when people who I liked said crappy things for whatever reason.</p>

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<p>Maybe I 'm thick skinned, but other than some true jerks that said things that just didn’t penetrate because they were people and remarks that did not matter to me, no one made snarky remarks. Most of us lamented the drawbacks of our own choices. </p>

<p>Going through those I’ve known in a number of cities and time periods, more laments from those not there with their kids. Though in the long run, it didn’t seem to make a whit of difference, it was very painful for any number of mothers i knew who were at work when something happened when SAHMs were right there. </p>

<p>One of my closest friends is and has been an attorney for a major law firm. Her kids have turned out wonderfully. You couldn’t ask for nicer kids with ideal work ethics, morals, manners, etc. But, yes, there are some sore spots that hurt, when mom just couldn’t be there. Some things that happened that could have been averted. It just goes with the territory. </p>

<p>The regrets most of the SAHMs have are if the marriage did not work out, or depression and other mood orders are there, or if money and entering the job market are issues. Those are the same issues that working moms face as well, with the way things have evolved these days. Some moms feel they have nothing else to do when their kids are gone, but most of us find plenty to do. That is not a concern of mine at all. </p>

<p>However things work out for, and they may not work optimally, probably won’t as optimal is really the best of an array of possibilites, I am glad that I was right there to do what I could when there were issues that hit our family. Sometimes, i did step back and let it resolve itself, sometimes I made things worse, but that I was there made things a little less stressful for everyone. It certainly allowed my husband the freedom to pursue his career. But whether that had anything to do with how my kids turned out, I can’t say.</p>

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<p>Right, but women also allow themselves to be upset by random judgments of other women with whom they have nothing in common except the fact that they procreated around the same time. Men don’t seem to fall victim to that very often.</p>

<p>men and women are not the same. Generally speaking, males and females are wired differently. </p>

<p>Men don’t care if someone comes into their home and the place is a little messy or if the kids look a little disheveled. Women are more likely going to freak out over those things…because people will blame the woman.</p>

<p>However, men are going to more likely feel annoyed when other men make comments about things that men traditionally value…income, power, athleticism, strength, (as someone said) baldness (ha ha), sexual prowess, their favorite teams, etc. </p>

<p>heck, I have one BIL that never went to college. He can’t stop himself when the subject of colleges comes up in family conversation. He has to get some dig in about how those who go to college may be “book smart, but can’t find their way out of a wet paper bag.”</p>

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<p>“I could never stay home with my kids. I’d be too bored. I need adult conversation. I would go nuts listening to babytalk all day. Barney would drive me insane.”>>>>></p>

<p>But a comment like this screams WHAT IF I’M WRONG??? This is a person who is not confident of her own choices, not someone who is criticizing you.
LOL.</p>