<p>My D has sought my advice in connection with breaking up with her boyfriend of just under one year, and I honestly don’t know what to tell her. To make a long story short, he is a wonderful guy but she says she is no longer “in” love with him, and doesn’t see a long-term future with him, whereas he tells her she is his “everything” and can’t imagine “his life without her.” </p>
<p>The question she has is ultimately one of timing, when to tell him the sad news. They both go to the same college which is far from each of their respective homes. They have been separated for the summer, but have managed a short visit with each other during the summer. My D is distraught because her boyfriend constantly tells her he loves her, misses her, etc., and she feels like she is lying to him by saying it back, but feels like she has to. It is becoming increasing stressful for her to keep “pretending” – as she puts it –and she is nearing a breaking point. She was hoping her feelings might change, thatshe might regain stronger feelings for him again with the summer separation, but she has become increasingly certain that they won’t. The problem is she feels like it is mean to break up with someone long distance via phone or Skype, and to further complicate matters, her boyfriend is working in a very remote location for the summer and has no friends or family nearby for support. I fear a bit for his well-being if she delivers such bad news to him while he is pretty much all alone and suggested to her that she wait until they are back together at school in a few weeks to deliver the news so at least he has friends and roommates around to support him. However, I can tell the daily stress of the situation is wearing on her and I feel for her, too. I am quite certain the relationship is not salvageable, and that is not my concern – my concern is just giving my D the best advice I can since she has asked me what I think. I know there is no easy solution, but I worry so much about the boyfriend being alone. If he were at home with his family and friends, I would advise my D to go ahead and tell him how she is feeling now even though she can’t do it in person since the daily stress is clearly starting to take its toll on her. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>I’d say tell him now. Then the initial pain will be over by the time they return to school. I wouldn’t want to have him not go to classes or not turn in papers because he is distraught over the breakup in sept.</p>
<p>Real simple - she needs to be honest and forthright. She should just tell him her true feelings as soon as she can, preferably verbally but it doesn’t need to be face to face, and she needs to move on and so does he. She’s being dishonest with him if she says untrue words about feelings she’s professing to him and doing so will only make everything worse.</p>
<p>She shouldn’t over-dramatize it - breakups happen all the time and they’ll each move on. There’s a good chance he already has a feeling something may be up.</p>
<p>I think she should do this right away and frankly doing it verbally rather than in person will likely be easier on both of them and help each of them avoid some drama. </p>
<p>Once she does it she needs to move on though and not keep baiting him if he continues to call, text, IM, FB, email her.</p>
<p>I have been dumped and I have dumped. All I can say is the sooner the better. That way your daughter can stop stressing and the soon-to-be former boyfriend can start getting over it. Doesn’t seem to make sense to start a new school year and the first thing that happens to you is to get dumped.</p>
<p>Normally I would be in agreement with each of these responses, but my concern is the boyfriend’s ability to “get over it” in his current environment, i.e., in a cabin in the woods in a very small remote town in the Pacific Northwest, with no friends or family nearby. Perhaps I have heard of too many instances of young people hurting themselves over what we, as adults with our years of experience under our belts, see as normal life events and am just worrying too much. However, apparently it is the boyfriend’s constant neediness that has, in part, caused my D’s feelings to change.</p>
<p>When I got dumped, I just wanted to be left alone to brood on my own.</p>
<p>She needs to tell him now; waiting until school starts is both disingenuous and also may initiate a rocky start to his school year. He may be in a remote area geographically but he does have phone and Skype access with others for support if he wants it. While a few people can handle a break-up with a self-destructive response, most do handle the situation in a less dramatic manner.</p>
<p>I think it’s mean to dump someone long distance when you know you’re going to see him soon. </p>
<p>I also think it’s mean to pretend like your feelings haven’t changed and string him along. </p>
<p>I think it’s appropriate to tell him via Skype that she’s not sure she wants to continue the relationship and that they should talk about it, either now or later. And then let him decide whether he wants to do that via Skype or phone or wait until they are together. This accomplishes a couple of things: 1) She can quit pretending, and the bf will feel less blindsided come fall; and 2) We can hope he wants to talk right then and then it’s HIS choice that the likely breakup will occur via Skype.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Just reading your post made my stomach hurt as ds and his gf will be starting at their respective colleges next week more than 1,000 miles away. They plan to stay together but made the commitment to reassess after the first semester when they both have more information about how difficult/easy the long-distance relationship will be.</p>
<p>My daughter is in the same situation except she is the one still in love. We have wished that the boyfriend would just break up with her since it is obvious to us that he really doesn’t care about her that much. If the choices are in the woods or at school just as classes are about to begin I would vote for in the woods. I worry that my daughter’s boyfriend will dump her just as she is beginning classes or during midterms and she will totally mess up her semester. If she is going to hurt herself it could happen either place. I would expect it to be done by skype and not a text.</p>
<p>Your daughter’s boyfriend isn’t out there alone is he? Is he working at a camp?</p>
<p>PSU85MOM, I definitely see both sides of this, and I am sorry that your D is going through this! Had I known my D was feeling this way most of the summer, I would have encouraged her to act earlier in the summer when her BF had a friend working with him. Said friend has left now. BF is not at a camp, but working as an independent contractor for an outdoor excursion company. Business has not been as busy as he had hoped for the summer, and he has a fair amount of free time on his hands, unfortunately. So more time to brood…</p>
<p>Youdontsay, I suggested something similar to what you have said to my D, and she said she has thought about doing that. However, she tells me that she has asked for “space” before in their relationship, and that has not worked out too well, that it usually starts a line of questioning from the boyfriend, wanting answers as to why, what has he done, what can he do, etc.</p>
<p>Hmmmm. Knowing that she has raised the issue before and that he’s kind of shut her down now makes me think she really should say something sooner rather than later. He likely already knows her feelings are not as deep as his. I would think broaching it on Skype would help her because she has the physical distance to not be “railroaded” for lack of a better word. I would tell her to write out briefly what she would like to say and have actual scripts for any of his questions that may arise. But the bottom-line response should be “I hope that you’ll respect me feelings about this.”</p>
<p>LBC, I think it is wonderful that you and your daughter are both being so thoughtful of this young man’s feelings. It really is a hard call. I know when my son’s girlfriend broke up with him his friends were really his best support system. They sympathized,told him they could all go out and date new girls and encouraged him not to text or call the ex.It worked out fine. However my son was really not overly possessive or clingy.<br>
It sounds like this is going to be a hard one for your daughter either way and you don’t want her to have to deal with excessive phone calls or texts at the beginning of school. I think I would vote for the " broach the subject now" and maybe she can get the groundwork in place and break up when he’s back home. Good luck!</p>
<p>I think he suspects as well…hence the frequent “I love you” “I miss you” texts – all, I suspect, a test to see how she responds to see if what he is most likely sensing is true. And of course, it is these types of texts that are making my D feel like she is backed into a corner. I suggested a conversation along the lines of “I want to let you know before we get back to school that I am feeling a bit differently about our relationship and that we need to see how each of us feels when we see each other in a few weeks.” She seemed to think that that would be giving him “false hope” whereas I felt it gave him a chance to wrap his head around the fact that the coming year at school, even the first week, might be a bit different than he had been envisioning.</p>
<p>Yeah, I think he’s doubling down on feelings because he knows they’re not reciprocated and is desperate. How 'bout if she says “I want to let you know that I’m feeling different about our relationship and want to talk about it. Would you rather do that now or when we get back to school?” </p>
<p>I agree with your dd that as you’ve written it it seems that her mind still could be changed, and it can’t. The way I’ve written is a bit clearer that her mind is made up but still gives him the choice of hearing it now while they’re apart or in a few weeks in person. And he’ll know that if he waits the outcome will still be the same and can get used to the idea.</p>
<p>Youdontsay, I think you are correct that your version is more honest and puts the ball clearly in the BF’s court, which is good. These situations are just so tough, especially when there is distance involved and neither party has really done anything “wrong.” This young man is really a great guy and has been quite an understanding and supportive friend to my D during some trying times of her own last year. Unfortunately, the spark is gone for my D. And I know from personal experience, as I am sure most of us do, both how hard that news is to understand if you are on the receiving end of it, and how real it is if you are the one delivering it. I think if my D and her BF hadn’t been physically separated for the last 3 ½ months, the relationship would more than likely have died a more “natural” death, if that makes sense. The summer separation has convinced him of how much he needs her, and convinced her that she does not. 
:(</p>
<p>The thing I always think is that the boyfriend deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves him as much as he loves her. </p>
<p>It’s not going to be easy no matter when or how it’s done. And I’m guessing he’s about to be blindsided. It certainly doesn’t mean she stays with him.</p>
<p>And it is because he has been such a “good” boyfriend and that her reason for wanting to end the relationship is nothing concrete, e.g., “I’ve met someone else” type of thing, that I suppose I worry a bit more than perhaps I should about his being given the news while he is so alone. I think being dumped (I do hate that word actually!) is easier to process when you can pinpoint a reason. Otherwise, the feelings that you’ve done everything the right way and you’re still not worth loving are These are the types of break-ups that leave you to wonder if</p>
<p>eyeamom, I agree 100% re what the BF deserves. That’s what we all deserve, isn’t it?? :)</p>
<p>Youdontsay has the right idea. </p>
<p>The other lesson for your D is that people will ask again and again until they get the answer they want. They will also take a different explanation as evidence of a weakening resolve. (Don’t ask me how I know these things.) </p>
<p>Your D should tell him that they need to talk in person once the school year starts. If he presses the issue, just repeat that they should talk in person. If he tries to continue the conversation, point out that it isn’t a face-to-face talk. Schedule the call about five minutes before she has to be somewhere, doing something, etc. </p>
<p>And tell her to ignore the texts, or respond with “We aren’t discussing this via text.”</p>
<p>Incidentally, I’ve been dumped over the phone. I thought much, much less of the makes who lacked the integrity to do it while looking at me. It’s a coward move, IMHO.</p>
<p>ariesathena, many lessons to be learned here, another being be cautious about those ‘I love you’s’ and how early into a relationship you say it. Once you say it, it is hard – and hurtful and confusing – to take it back.</p>
<p>And yes, breaking up with someone over the phone is most definitely a coward move, if you have other options. Or unless you fear for your safety, which sadly in some cases is a legitimate concern.</p>