Breaking up over the phone isn’t a ‘coward move’ if the people are in two completely different geographical locations and now’s the time to break up. It’s not only a non-cowardly move, it’s also practical and importantly, honest.</p>
<p>If they were both in the same town then face to face makes sense but they aren’t and waiting some weeks until they are isn’t necessarily the right answer.</p>
<p>For all you know your D already has some other guy in mind and feels she needs to get this taken care of before moving on with that but even if she doesn’t have anyone else in mind keeping up the false front may leave her feeling sneaky and disingenuous to her ex-BF.</p>
<p>She really should just do it. The guy’ll get over it unless he has some real emotional issues in which case she shouldn’t be with him in the first place. Too much drama here (obviously a guy’s take on the situation here).</p>
<p>“Breaking up over the phone isn’t a ‘coward move’ if the people are in two completely different geographical locations and now’s the time to break up. It’s not only a non-cowardly move, it’s also practical and importantly, honest.”</p>
<p>This. The OP’s D has been pretending all summer and it’s time to be honest instead of stringing the poor guy along even longer. Yes, it’s going to hurt him, but not as much as it will once he realizes she lied to him all summer. It will also, as others have said, give the new school year a fresh start for both of them.</p>
<p>LBC, while the other posters in this thread are giving some sincere advice, they probably can’t relate to the guy as much as I can. Let me give you my point of view and the reasons why you should follow my advice.</p>
<p>I was in this same situation over a half a year ago (I’m a guy and I was on the receiving end of it). The worst thing your daughter can do is string the poor guy along by not getting to the point. She should give him the truth without any filler and as soon as possible. In my situation I was strung along for over a month and that made things much worse for me. Don’t let her give him any false hope either.</p>
<p>(For the record, one man I dated, then age 40, broke up with me over the phone because the 40-minute drive to my house was not convenient. So let us just say that there is a very slippery slope, and the default ought to be to look the person in the eye. That you are all positing physical violence and such as excuses kind of shows that you agree with me far more than you disagree.)</p>
<p>School starts in two weeks, correct? What is the issue on waiting two weeks?</p>
<p>The issue is that she’s been lying and telling the boy that she loves him, etc., when she does not. Two more weeks of lying will just make it worse when she finally does come clean. Whether she’s too worried about his reaction or is too immature or just got caught up in the lie doesn’t matter. They BOTH deserve to not have this hanging over their heads in the first weeks of school.</p>
<p>Once you say that you pretty much have told the fellow you are breaking up. Stop trying to make yourself feel better, because the guy isn’t going to feel any better now or when school starts.</p>
<p>Chicago95, thank you so much for your personal insight. My D has only just recently realized that this is in fact what is best - she was hoping that her feelings were temporary and that she would soon feel the same spark for her BF that she felt earlier. Without going into too much detail, she had some depression issues earlier this year and she was hoping her lack of enthusiasm for the relationship was part of the depression, and not the relationship itself. However, she is feeling better emotionally now and has been for some time, and as much as she had hoped her feelings for BF would return to how they were before, they have not.</p>
<p>“Once you say that you pretty much have told the fellow you are breaking up. Stop trying to make yourself feel better, because the guy isn’t going to feel any better now or when school starts.”</p>
<p>geo, I am afraid you are correct, which brings us back to the original concern/question here - the boy’s lack of a real, LIVE support system at the moment if he gets the news now rather than in a few weeks. Not access to friends/family by Skype or phone or text or whatever, but someone physically present to hang out with him, take him out and help him get his mind on other things. The kid even has spotty internet access where he is…</p>
<p>Well, I asked my 19 yr old daughter what is the right thing to do and she said - with only two more weeks until school starts wait and do it in person - if it had been earlier in the summer than it would have made sense to do it then.</p>
<p>That is exactly what I am talking about. You are bringing this up to make yourself feel better. As I said before, all I wanted to do is brood by myself. And everyone just let me alone. Your daughter should end this ASAP.</p>
<p>You’re just imagining a need on his part for some particular type of (in your mind) ‘support system’. I don’t know what you’re imagining this guy actually needs but he most likely doesn’t need to go cry on the shoulders of close friends/family. Guys usually don’t handle this stuff in the same way as females (generalizing here) and regardless of who’s around you have no idea how he’d prefer to handle it - maybe like geo (and myself if it had happened to me) on their own, maybe by shooting baskets with a friend, and maybe by simply shifting his focus from her to some other female friend, which is what often happens. </p>
<p>Your (or D’s) imagined ‘needs’ of the guy are no reason to delay just informing him and getting it over with now so they can both move on. The fact that school will start in a couple of weeks makes it even more important to do it now so they can get over some of these emotions before school starts - and that way he can be prepared to consider other relationships once school starts - a good time for it.</p>
<p>GladGradDad, now that you mention it, I did shoot a lot of baskets but by myself.</p>
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<p>Another good point. Imagine being this guy coming back to school being all psyched to see his girlfriend and then BOOM…he gets hit with a ton of bricks. That would be an even bigger let down then being off on his own. And it would also be a huge embarrassment to him.</p>
<p>" Imagine being this guy coming back to school being all psyched to see his girlfriend and then BOOM…he gets hit with a ton of bricks. That would be an even bigger let down then being off on his own. And it would also be a huge embarrassment to him."</p>
<p>Exactly. I’ve been on the receiving end of a breakup like this-it was MY problem to find support, not the guy dumping me. Just rip off the Bandaid.</p>
<p>Quote: How 'bout if she says “I want to let you know that I’m feeling different about our relationship and want to talk about it. Would you rather do that now or when we get back to school?”</p>
<p>Response: “Once you say that you pretty much have told the fellow you are breaking up.” </p>
<p>Exactly. You’re setting a boundary. And if he wants to talk it out right then, then fine. If he doesn’t, I think he’s owed a face-to-face breakup after a year and through times where he was the emotional support for the depressed dd. I think as written it makes it clear that she is no longer stringing him along. Only the thickest of the thick wouldn’t get where this is going.</p>
<p>Yep that’s what I thought.
He already is smart/dumb enough to play the needy card whenever she wanted to talk about where things were going ( or not).
If she is going to make a clean break ( & clean breaks heal the best), she has to be firm and not let him manipulate her into expressing feelings she doesn’t share.
Guys major in self delusion.
Don’t hint.</p>