<p>Hi fellow parents. My 25+ year marriage has hit the doldrums. It actually hit the doldrums a few years ago, but it took one kid leaving and another preparing to leave to make me realize that soon, H & I will be here alone.</p>
<p>I know this is probably something many of you have gone through. I have tried increasing our date-nights and doing more together, but while the swirl of family life was happening, it seems H & I have grown apart. Our intimacy level is very low (both emotional and otherwise). We ‘get along’ fine, but don’t connect. Social friends probably think our marriage is fine, but home together without others, it feels empty. At least to me.</p>
<p>I feel it is serious, H thinks it’s a phase & doesn’t want to talk in depth about it (or anything else relating to emotions). He did agree to see a counselor, but it’s up to me to find one.</p>
<p>Any words of advice? I think I want to stay married. But honestly, I’m not sure where counseling may lead. I’m quite unhappy with the emotional distance, he seems fine with it.</p>
<p>What should I look for in a relationship therapist? What can I expect from therapy?</p>
<p>I know nothing of therapy but I always think this question is important for a relationship-</p>
<p>Do you like your husband or wife and do they have strong moral character? At least for me those things get me through the “rough patches” that most long term marriages face.</p>
<p>There’s a very unique approach to couples counseling in a process called Imago. The founder wrote several books, but one is Getting the Love You Want. The approach is very different (none of the finger pointing blame game stuff), but more about learning about one another (again) and getting and providing validation. Because of its unique approach and less traditional ways your H may be more willing to try it out. They offer weekend workshops which are intensive in time and expense, but really get the ball rolling. [Couples</a> Therapy and Workshops from Imago Relationships Intnl](<a href=“http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/]Couples”>http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/)</p>
<p>I do think this is a familiar experience for many. When the house is filled with hustle and bustle there’s little time to connect over much of anything but kids, homework, bills, and the occasional emergency. It’s time to revisit what brought you together in the first place.</p>
<p>I was going to post something about this topic. Just over this long weekend I have become aware of two couples that we know who are both long married, as we are. Now, of course, two is not statistically significant but I think it is noteworthy that in both cases the wives have stepped out. In one case, the wife told the husband they could live together, be a family, but that their marriage would be strictly platonic because she wanted other sexual options. The wife in the second couple sought other options without telling the husband ahead of time.</p>
<p>Personally, I think your husband is making a big mistake because if he isn’t even trying to meet your needs, someone else will, even if that would be a hobby or a circle of friends that exclude him.</p>
<p>Are you both physically fit and physically active? My husband recently lost a bit of weight and now feels good about himself, is more energetic, and it had revived things between us.is there any activity you could schedule together? Golf lessons, couples bowling, mountain biking? Physical activity can increase interest in other physical activity, which is a total boost for intimacy.</p>
<p>Very common. May I ask do you work? Are you attracted to a different sort of personality, one who is witty or quick with humorous answers? Do you and your H work out and stay fit? Lastly, if you do not do at least some things or activities together, it’ll never work ! For the most part, prolonged travel or numerous short trips with the “friends” away from spouse ( I’m not talking about mother daughter trips or father - son trips ) are a recipe for unhappy relationships. Everyone needs there space but in small aliquots!</p>
<p>I work, he works. He loves his work. Me, not so much, but I am very successful. He travels often, and always has, due to work. I think this may be where the trouble began for me. </p>
<p>We are both fit, me more so–I like to go to the gym, run, swim, and do pilates & yoga. H likes none of those things. But he’s not overweight at all. He likes to bike, but due to carpal tunnel & ‘female’ issues I find biking uncomfortable at best, downright painful at worst. I did try it & different seats/positions but I don’t enjoy it. I ask him to come run or walk with me, and once in a blue moon, he will.</p>
<p>We go to cultural events together (concerts, plays) and have a few couples we go out with for dinner/movies. When we’ve been on trips together, things seem strained to me, but he claims they seem fine. So there’s a disconnect somewhere.</p>
<p>I don’t believe he’s been unfaithful. I think he loves me. But there’s zero spark. What I am hungry for is someone who pays attention to me, real attention. At a party recently a man was very interested in what I had to say. I did not find this man sexually attractive, but I have to say, his level of listening and responding and contributing to the conversation we had made me realize I do not have even this with my husband…</p>
<p>We hit this phase long ago and I’ve had a chance to adjust to it. I don’t know what a therapist would say (and every relationship is different), but I’ve learned to have a rich life in addition to my marriage. I don’t “need a man to make me happy”. He’s still my best friend and that’s enough. Would I lke to have a romantic loving marriage like in the Viagra commercials? Sure, but you take what you get in life.</p>
<p>My wife and I are friends with two couples and the husbands are leaving the marriage. Both wives were upset. One was shocked. The couples have grown apart. The men are having affairs with younger women. I think the men have fears of dying or at least think they have very few good years left and they want to enjoy what little time they have left. The women in these cases feel abandoned. </p>
<p>In one case, the friends of the couple feel very bad. Surprised. Had no clue the split was
going to happen. The other marriage had problems.
Opposite situations of zoosermom’s in that the men left.</p>
<p>I’m going to check out Imago, "just"amom. Thanks for that suggestion.</p>
<p>I feel like we have put too many years in to just throw in the towel. However, I just can’t live like this for the remainder of my life, either. I get what DanceClass & VeryHappy are saying and actually that has been my general approach the last year or two–I focused on figuring out what fulfills me. I do have a rich and full life, but unlike DanceClass–I don’t feel my H is my best friend. I find it difficult to share my thoughts because he doesn’t seem very interested…it’s hard to explain–he’d say ‘but I support you doing x and y, because it makes you happy’–and he does. But he doesn’t want to hear much about x and y, I mean, he’ll say ‘how was your class’ but I can’t get him to converse about it.</p>
<p>But I realize he’s never been very forthcoming with his feelings. So maybe I want something that he cannot do. We did family therapy a few years ago when one of our kids had a serious medical issue (mental health-related) and he showed up but never really contributed much there either. </p>
<p>He’s very live-and-let-live in attitude, which is good in some ways. But when I’d express worry about our kid during the rough patch, he also wouldn’t want to discuss that. “Why worry about things I can’t change” is his mantra. Which can be good at times. But when I’ve asked for emotional support, I don’t get it. So I stopped asking, we end up in a fight.</p>
<p>My husband is a problem in the opposite direction- he is very emotionally needy. I am his best friend-in fact, almost his only friend. He seldom goes out and does anything with anyone else. He is a workaholic, too. I can only get him to go to a movie or dinner maybe once or twice a month. He works almost 7 days a week. He says he has to to keep up with his deadlines, but I just can’t imagine the people at his work expecting him to work like that. I think he spaces out a lot at work. He takes way too many conflicting subtances- two anti-anxiety meds, tons of Red Bull and caffeine, and then sleeping pills (Ambien AND over-the-counter AND melatonin at the same time). He says his shrink prescribes all the pills (Cymbalta, Xanax, Ambien) so they must be OK, but the shrink never even takes his blood pressure. Basically he’s Type A, plus neurotic and anxious. I’m afraid he’s going to have a heart attack. His having an affair is the least of my worries. I can’t imagine anyone else being able to deal with his neuroses. I can barely handle him, and I’m the person who knows him best. What’s worse is, I can’t talk to his family about him. His mother is a narcissist, and last time I tried to say something, she totally twisted it and made the situation even worse. Oh yes, and he wants to stop working at age 53.</p>
<p>In some ways it would be a relief to be on my own. He is so needy, yet I need to focus on my own health (I am fighting cancer). Of course the cancer diagnosis sent him into a tailspin, so I am having to be the rock. Life is sure ironic- here I am, with Stage IV cancer, but I am still working full time, while he is the one lying on the couch and coming home early with the stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, and insomnia. Some of it is caregiver stress, but he’s not doing any caregiving- I take myself to my scans and appointments because he can’t miss work and he hates needles!</p>
<p>Who knows what goes on in other people’s marriages?</p>
<p>Did you see Hope Springs? This reminds me of the basic premise. Maybe a start would be to watch that movie together and see what kind of conversation it sparks.</p>
<p>Sorry about what you’re going through tptshorty. It sure puts the troubles of the rest of us in perspective. I hope you have another friend or family member you can lean on. Good luck.</p>
<p>Artmama, know just by reading this thread that you are alone and there are others reading your thread but not posting that likely have the same issue going on at home. Kudos to you for giving it some thought and having the motivation to seek solutions - which I do hope you find. </p>
<p>Is there any aspect that you feel your H is willing to “try” at - something you could take baby steps at turning the situation around? For instance, would he commit to one 30 minute walk with you a week? Would he commit to one quick and easy meal out together a week? Do you watch any tv together (this is something me and my H do not do together)? Is there something he watches you would be willing to sit through and talk about? Just trying to look for ways to “break the ice”.</p>
<p>I had similar issues in my marriage and finally my husband met someone else and decided to end the marriage. It’s been a few years now, and, although it was a shock at first, I can honestly say I am much happier now. I haven’t started dating yet or anything but I feel a tremendous sense of relief. It is extremely stressful to be in an empty marriage.</p>
<p>Nottelling; some of the time I wish that scenario would happen to me too…Very glad you are out of the stress and in control of your life. I want to get there too but can’t face all that divorce would entail emotionally and financially.</p>
<p>I find trying to get my H away from distractions helps us. If we are home it’s harder to connect. I like car trips, with him driving so he’s not playing games on the computer lol!</p>
<p>I think this is so common. It seems to happen frequently. I think my H and I are closer than when the kids were around. We had conflicts on how to parent and once those were gone, things were better between us. We also had a work related move and now we have each other to rely on instead of our former life lol where we had more separate lives.</p>
<p>I also find that if I am interested in what interests him it works much better than the other way around. It’s not fair but it’s honest.</p>