<p>tptshorty, wow, what a lot to handle. I hope things get better with your health.</p>
<p>Health issues (mine–an acute event a couple years back; both kids had major things)–kept me from confronting this issue sooner. I couldn’t handle rocking the boat during the midst of those things. Maybe I should have. Because things sure didn’t fix themselves.</p>
<p>Marriage is hard. Neither H or I are good a confronting issues. I realize I’m not good at it, he doesn’t realize he isn’t–he just avoids. Even now, he completely doesn’t get what is wrong. That is what worries me most. “What am I doing wrong?” he asked. “It’s not you, it’s US” I said. “I don’t feel very close.” He just looked baffled.</p>
<p>Maybe I want too much. We DO do things like watch TV, have dinner together, etc. But all our conversations are ‘how’s the weather/how are the kids’ types of things. Which is fine, not every convo needs to be deep and emotional. When I ask what he’s thinking about almost any topic that involves feelings or the future, he’s never forthcoming.</p>
<p>H & I have been together ( mostly) since 1976.( we were babies)
Even for well grounded couples, relationships are hard work.
We have had many more problems than many ( anger issues, severe illness & hospitalization of a child, addiction, unemployment, learning disabilities) & I would be surprised if Hs family of origin ever considered therapy. Its always the ones who really need it! :rolleyes:
My family on the other hand were too fast to subcontract out parenting concerns. I started going to a therapist when I was in 4th gd.</p>
<p>H & I attended a weekend workshop with John & Julie Gottman many years ago & considering the place we were in at the time, it was like oxygen.</p>
<p>Artmama, my H and I have different interests too. He would prefer to discuss various sports-related topics and I would probably doze off if he did that to me for an hour. He groans every Sunday morning if were having breakfast and Im watching This Week with George Stephanopoulos. </p>
<p>How do we prevent ourselves from being in a state wherein our marriage has flatlined? Im not sure if this will work for you but at times when he is watching a TV show, I would snuggle up to him and directly tell him that Im feeling neglected, need some romance in my life and ask him if could he play his guitar and sing a love song to me. So, basically, during those times I kind of forced the romance out of him instead of waiting for him to give it to me. Lol.</p>
<p>Another suggestion is to enroll in a couples dance class together such as salsa or tango. </p>
<p>Also, I occasionally pull out photo albums filled with pictures of me and my H when we first started dating. Cuddling beside him I would say, Remember when or Remind me again what made you notice me? I think bringing up memories of how, when and why you fell in love the first time helps rekindle sparks in your marriage.</p>
<p>Feelings… What are those! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. My H is not a deep person, never has been, never will. I really am pretty sure he never thinks about his feelings or the future. Unless its upcoming projects at work and most of the time I don’t hear about those.</p>
<p>I know lots of women are dissatisfied with their marriage. I certainly hear a lot of complaints. I not sure how you address unhappiness when your partner doesn’t recognize it.</p>
<p>Artmama, I would also recommend individual therapy for yourself. My first marriage had issues way beyond what you are experiencing (hence the first!).</p>
<p>Individual therapy helped me enormously to be able to articulate the issues, validate my feelings, see where I needed to think about things in different ways, and ultimately, to decide to leave the marriage.</p>
<p>When people say relationships are hard work, I’m not sure if I understand what that means. I’m not saying I laugh every minuted like a romantic comedy, but I’d say the marriage relationship is the solid, reliable, comfortable part of my life. Raising kids - yes, that’s work. Working - yes, that’s work ;)</p>
<p>What works for us (slightly tongue in cheek): </p>
<p>Every once in awhile DH deploys for six months, give or take a few weeks. This gives us a chance to spend some time apart, appreciate the things we take for granted, and connect in different ways.</p>
<p>Whenever he has deployed to a war zone, he is not in immediate danger. He always has excellent email and phone service, so we speak and write each other.every day. It is interesting to do that. Not conversations about the stupid minutia that takes up so much space in our usual lives (Coukd you pick up x on your way home?), but telling each other what is going on in our lives, and how we feel. Most people don’t really talk to each other all that much. </p>
<p>When he’s gone I love living exactly the way I want, and learn again to appreciate how much he really does when he’s home. I complete projects that otherwise don’t get done. I read in bed until all hours. I eat exactly what I want. Things are neat and tidy, and everything remains just where I put it. And it is too quiet. The bird feeders are neglected, and the garden falls to weeds. Nobody cleans the snow off my car for me. Nobody shovels the driveway. Nobody brings home flowers or weird movies or giant cheese cakes from Costco.</p>
<p>Now, your spouse might not leave for months at a time, but some time apart is always a healthy thing. Take a trip alone. Take a class alone. Find something of your own to do. Thank him for the things he does, things you don’t even notice any more.</p>
<p>When I say it is hard work it means that you have to do things even if you don’t want to or they are inconvenient, even when there is no immediate payoff.
You have to work to keep communication lines open and to keep the spark going.
Just like with children, you need Quality Time AND Quantity Time.</p>
<p>I think its ok to take each other for granted at times. We sometimes share a meal in companionable silence, which is nicer than my 18 yr old self would have predicted/
I am also awful at making small talk but H is worse.
However, I will ask him about things he is working on , even if I have to keep notes to remember what it is, mainly because it is his work, not because I can remember what he told me last week. But that is what friends do & he tries to add things I *am *interested in, like how the restoration project has improved wildlife around the factory.
I know that he listens to me talk about things he quit caring about 5 minutes ago, all the time. ;)</p>
<p>Been married 31 yrs.
2 kids, now grown and two jobs, an old house that is always falling down.
Enough money for essentials and some small luxuries, a few good friends.</p>
<p>Life is good. We’ve certainly had ups and downs but we are each others’ best friends.
Keeping the romance alive is a challenge, sometimes we are out of sync. We’ve gotten to making dates, even for a few hours. Kinda lets us know that WE are important enough to scope out some time. We talk about nonsense, books we’re reading, what’s happening in town, what was the topic on CBS Sunday Morning, anything.</p>
<p>We also have a disabled adult daughter who lives with us still and might always.
I think that while she has caused stress in our lives she has also made us kinder to each other.</p>
<p>I also suggest individual therapy if you’re open to it. I’ve learned a bunch about myself that has helped me grow into a better old lady!</p>
<p>My second marriage is much better, but by no means perfect. I let a lot of things slide, things that I decided weren’t worth making a fuss about. </p>
<p>What’s important is that he’s there for me, and he cares for me. We share enough history and common outlook to bind us together. We make each other laugh. He accepts me for who I am.</p>
<p>But when he starts talking about the TV shows he watches, I have to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head. And I have dumpster fantasies about getting rid of stuff he just won’t part with. I also have to humor him on his OCD tendencies.</p>
<p>justforthis, why wait until it “happens” that your husband decides to cheat on you or otherwise make it clear that he is no longer invested in your marriage? If you are not happy, take action yourself. It is very possible to be happily divorced and independent in midlife. For me, it was far more difficult emotionally to be in an empty, unfulfilling marriage. Now my ex and I are good friends, because by ending our marriage we eliminated the issues that came between us. Financially, divorce can take a toll but that should not be a reason to stay in a miserable relationship. Money isn’t everything, and plenty of people get through their divorces relatively unscathed money-wise–especially if the parting is amicable and they don’t spend thousands of dollars on attorneys.</p>
<p>I would appreciate it if DH didn’t <em>choose</em> to work 70 hours a week. That would be a good place to start. It’s not like he gets OT or promotions out of it. He has no real hobbies other than reading and eating, nor does he want to have them. Does not work out, won’t dance, doesn’t particularly care for sports, movies or theater, and we don’t have any friends with whom we go out. By the time he gets home, he is so exhausted that he just wants to chill and not listen to anything I have to say. (Have even heard what-for about being on CC and being concerned when my CC friends have troubles!)</p>
<p>He is very, very angry that I am not working (due to all my medical issues) and that I can choose to do what I want with my time, with the implication that this is a bad thing. Never mind that I do everything here at home, including planning S1’s wedding celebration and helping S2 get back on his feet while on a LOA. But talking about his feelings (or mine) does not happen. His parents burned out those neurons with their abuse and emotional issues long before I ever met him.</p>
<p>I’d hoped that after being dead on the kitchen floor last spring that he would finally re-prioritize so that we could enjoy the here-and-now together while we can. Not happening, apparently. So, I am creating my own life and reaching out to friends and new activities, but I’d much rather have a real connection with him.</p>
<p>Hugs TPT. I went through cancer treatment and in that case was happy my H wasnt emotionally needy. I needed all my strength to deal with my own issues. I suspect taking care of him is way too much and hope you can let him take care of himself.
Interesting, just sent my H to take D back to school on his own. We get along well, and I dont want to be without him. He gets on my nerves. He has this habit of needing to control things, and making comments when I do something different. He is very rigid. I hate to be controlled, and dont like rules. So too much togetherness, I see this and just take my breaks. I have noticed I tend to compromise more and it gets exhausting.
I thought the empty nest was going to be awful, but it is better than i expected. I am very frank about things as he is a horrible listener. I call him on it. One day i was talking to friends and he interupted me in mid sentence. I stopped him and reminded him I was talking. You have to hit him over the head sometimes. Maybe i shoulnt have been rude but he was being rude and I had talked to him about this before. We do things we like in common, find he is more willing to compromise but I have insisted on it, actually telling him, that what I say matters. If he doesnt want to do it, I do it on my own, I dont live through him. We have reached a sort of equilibrium, sometimes I wish for that soulmate , but does that really exist??? I think we are more helpmates</p>
<p>Countingdown, I want you to know how glad I am that you are still with us. I hope the right way to be happy and fulfilled becomes clear to you because you deserve it.</p>
<p>Some guys just are not capable of being that guy who listens, shares feelings, and chats about everyday stuff. They just don’t get it. Their brains just don’t work this way.</p>
<p>They love you. They are probably unaware that anything is wrong. They don’t get your need
for more than they give. Security, money, faithfulness, this is how they show their love for you.</p>
<p>So what to do. No one person can give you everything that you need in your life. You are responsible for filling the gaps. So go take that class, go find those girlfriends that can laugh and be silly with you, go find that volunteer work. Then come home to the man you married and tell him about your day. </p>
<p>If that’s not good enough tell him. Tell him in plain words…I need you to do this or I need to leave and find someone else who will do this for me. </p>
<p>Some guys just need it spelled out. Give him the chance.</p>
<p>@tptshorty… I too am sorry for what you have had to endure! Sounds like you are the pillar of stability in the relationship as well as the planner, and the one who gives comfort ( not the generic " don’t worry everything will work out etc")!<br>
In any long term relationship there will be bumps etc but if there is no spark left, the outlook to regain the spark is grim. The lack of spark is generally years of extinguishing behavior and interaction.</p>
<p>You know what would be really interesting and perhaps really helpful . If the OP’s husband could write a post of how he feels about the whole situation - about how he feels when OP (sorry cant recall your name at the moment!) tries to talk to him about their relationship, etc. To hear his words and thoughts - that might give you some insight. Sometimes words so clearly describe what we can’t seem to say in person.</p>
<p>It’s just an observation - or maybe it’s a solution OP - could you ever write him a letter with some of your thoughts (in a non-defensive way) and see if you get a response from him??</p>
<p>Every woman and man is different, for sure!</p>
<p>The corollary to this thread is the “How Large Is Your Social Circle?” thread. People who don’t get what they want/need from their spouse will create (or should create) a larger social circle to provide the emotional connections that they need.</p>