<p>I want to thank everyone for taking part in an open, honest, frank discussion. I think what has been said here is very helpful for lots of people that may just be reading.</p>
<p>Artmama, withoug knowing you or your H, it is hard to give suggestions on counselors. I do know that my H went for individual conseling for awhile last year and wanted a woman, he felt that women in general listen better then men. But, that was my H’s preference, your H is a different person possibly with different preferences.</p>
<p>If you are a religious person at all, you could ask your religious leader for ideas or recommendations on a counselor. He/she knows you and your family better than anyone here and probably has some local to you professional contacts in the counseling arena. And, your religious leader is ethically bound to confidentiality so can not morally pass along to anyone else that you asked about this.</p>
<p>Fascinating thread. Been working on this kind of thing with DH for a few years now. He works a lot, isn’t great at communicating (esp. feelings), I felt lonely, all that. </p>
<p>But I’m a dog trainer, and one advantage of that has been that it teaches you to look for and reward the positive and ignore the negative because what gets rewarded gets repeated. It’s true for anything with a brainstem. </p>
<p>What gets rewarded gets repeated…</p>
<p>So I started looking for tiny bits of behavior that I wanted. Did DH come home at the end of the day at 5:30 instead of 7? Wonderful! I smiled, thanked him for coming home, gave him a hug. I didn’t say “I wish you’d come home more often.” </p>
<p>I asked him to walk the dogs with me most evenings before bed so that I’d have an incentive to do that (I’m trying to lose weight); I thank him for joining me every single time. (Bonus: it’s easier to talk to someone when it’s dark and you’re walking side by side.)</p>
<p>We are trying to do something new together every month. It’s been cooking classes for about six months now. There’s a lot of data that trying new things–especially risky things–can bring people closer together. (Of course, when I went off to look for the articles I’d seen, I can’t seem to find them.)</p>
<p>I heard an interview about a book called The Normal Bar, which was written by a woman who wanted to figure out what other people did who had successful marriages. Fascinating interview, and it had some interesting ideas. (My husband was listening and he said “do you really want me to call you by a silly pet name?” and I said "sure, I like being called ‘sweetie!’ " I thought it was sweet that he asked.) Link here: [url=<a href=“http://onpoint.wbur.org/2013/02/11/relationships-and-love]A”>http://onpoint.wbur.org/2013/02/11/relationships-and-love]A</a> Survey Of American Relationships And Love | On Point with Tom Ashbrook<a href=“you%20can%20download%20the%20interview”>/url</a>.</p>
<p>(I’ll note that we saw a social worker/ marriage counselor when our kids were very little and I couldn’t get past the death of our baby, so we have some practice with the whole concept of “we need to change things.” It helped enormously.)</p>
<p>There’s a lot of data that trying new things–especially risky things–can bring people closer together</p>
<p>Ive read that too. Terri Orbuch has done some research but I cant find a good link.</p>
<p>I envy my friend whose husband has taken up swing dancing classes with her. My H does not dance, although he likes to go out with me to hear live music. (& I always get to pick the music)
A major obstacle to that however is that the musicians don’t start playing till 9 or 10 and after sitting there since 7 to get a seat, I can’t stay awake long enough to see the headliner! </p>
<p>( Ive tried getting up later to reset my body clock, but I wake up at 6am, no matter what time I go to bed)</p>
<p>My H loves downhill skiing, but while I have before, downhill is just too much excitement for me, I prefer x-country, or even snowshowing - at the most sledding.
It has been something that he can share wth our youngest though, because she is an adrenaline seeker & has been since she was a toddler and rode her trike down our sidewalk with her eyes closed. :eek:
Last year she went skydiving for her birthday.
I dont even like to ride * inside a plane *, let alone be on the outside of it!</p>
<p>Having the husband along on a dog walk is a little like having the teenagers in the car (or at least how it was before everyone was focused on their phones). You have something approaching their undivided attention. My husband works a mile from home and every morning the pup and I escort him to his office; it has become the foundation of our day. We talk about our plans for the day, discuss problems, whatever. We also walk together in the evening, which is more of about unwinding and enjoying the stroll (or sharing the misery, depending on the season).</p>
<p>I had not thought about trying new things bringing people closer but it makes sense. I think travel is a good example. I am going to have to take another look at the links for tandem tours DH sent to me a couple weeks ago.</p>
<p>Great thread , have read a lot of it, not all. DH and I went to a “Love and Respect” conference several yrs. ago and the most impt. thing said was…
If you want to change what’s going on in your marriage, go look in the mirror…
It has to start there. That is not to say my DH is off the hook, he is not. But someone has to start and be persistent. Leave no rock unturned… I force myself to be nice when I dont feel like it ( he doesnt deserve it), I bite my tongue ( really hard sometimes),
I try to go the extra mile with him. Often we only do that w/ friends, even strangers.
Best wishes all… it’s a lot of work isnt it?!</p>
<p>artmama- From post #59, it seems that you really do want the marriage, the family- the life that you’ve built together, but you feel you are alone in the marriage part of it. I’m surprised that the therapist you saw dismissed your husband’s lack of response to your concerns as just never going to be a “touchy-feely” sort of guy. My husband is anything but a touchy feely guy, but he responds to worries, concerns, or even just plain old conversation with interest and engagement. It seems so basic. If you can’t talk with one another or your mate isn’t interested in exploring his own thoughts about something long enough to give you some feedback, you really are alone.
But it does sound like “this marriage can be saved,” as they say. I have a feeling that your husband isn’t even aware that his lack of engagement is a problem, and even if he senses it, he doesn’t know how to fix it. I think this is something a marriage counselor can help you both with. It’s not surprising that he had no opinion about the gender of the therapist. “Whatever you want.” Meanwhile, you’re wanting to scream, “Can’t you just think about us long enough to offer an opinion!” </p>
<pre><code>It sounds to me like he may need some individual counseling as well, and so might you, again. He may need to learn how to get in touch with his feelings, and you may need to learn how to help him. You may find a depth in him you never imagined. This could be the turning point for a happier rest of your life. And if it isn’t, you’ll know it and you won’t be as torn about what to do to find happiness.
</code></pre>
<p>I applaud you for trying, as many people would not put in the effort. Wishing you luck and hoping you find love.</p>
<p>^that was really beautifully expressed, moonchild. </p>
<p>I remember reading the responses of people who’d been married a long time who were asked “what’s your secret”? One man said “we never fell out of love with each other at the same time.”</p>
<p>^^^Yes. So true.
I want to add a little story of my own. My Dh of 41 years looks about 15 years younger than he is. When people find out how long we’ve been married, they’re often surprised.
Some friends asked him once the secret to his long marriage. He answered, " I just keep showing up!"<br>
They laughed if off, as it was meant somewhat in jest, but there’s so much truth to it–providing that the “showing up” is in the real, emotional sense of engagement, caring, and partnership. That really is the secret to our marriage, and it goes both ways.</p>
<p>One thing about counseling – you should be prepared to learn that your husband has anger and long-simmering resentments toward you that you had no idea existed. This is often the case for folks who don’t like conflict and deal with anger by become more withdrawn and uncommunicative. It can be quite a shock to learn what he really thinks about things. This has happened with several if my friends. Couples therapy can be a good and worthwhile thing to do and can be very helpful, but you really do need to be prepared to hear things you don’t like.</p>
<p>Here’s a link to the Love and Respect website,funny videos. They have conferences everywhere. Well worth it. My DH resisted and I think he liked it even more than me… he felt like he was finally being “heard” Check it out~
[Conference</a> Preview | Love and Respect Ministries](<a href=“http://loveandrespect.com/conference-preview/]Conference”>http://loveandrespect.com/conference-preview/)
It’s less threatening than counseling, I think a good starting point?</p>
<p>moonchild, thank you for your thoughtful comments. My old therapist didn’t exactly encourage me to ‘let him off the hook’–she just was helping me realize he is who he is, to some extent, and that to expect change might not have the outcome desired. She also encouraged me to move into couples counseling, and to be direct with him about things I needed. Where I got stymied was when being direct resulted in the same brick wall of lack of feedback/support. I guess I had to let things simmer a while before I was ready to broach counseling again.</p>
<p>nottelling, I think you are 100% right, which I think is why I’ve been foot-dragging on this. When we have arguments (which is not often)–he gets very angry. Not violent or shouting–he would never hit me, or anyone-- but the kind of anger you see in body language and hear in someone’s tone, that icy sort of anger. When I’ve calmly pointed that he sure SOUNDS angry, he denies he is angry at all–but then gets more angry and begins to argue ‘below the belt’–it devolves to nasty real quick. </p>
<p>I am sort of afraid what might come out. But now I’m committed to going ahead.</p>
<p>My H would only do counseling to please or help me. He does not think it is useful. He also would never forgive me if I cheated. I have never been inclined. We are very committed to each other, and have been through a lot. In the past he would not listen and it made me very unhappy. I felt I had no input in my life. When I finally got him to listen, he saw the positive impact it had on our relationship and made more of an effort. I cannot expect him to be comfortable expressing his feelings. Just as I cant stop expressing mine. I accept him this way. I have found he expresses his love in different ways and have no doubt how much he loves me. I think that he was attracted to me partially because I filled the feelings part of him. I have also made more of an effort to thank him for things. anyway. I hope everyone finds their way.</p>
Check it out~