<p>Just struggling right now with middle child who has moved home after graduation. Anticipating that she will be here another 18 months. She’s lovely to her friends, teachers, siblings, and Dad. I am her punching bag. She is moody and unpredictable and gets mad or defensive when I point out her treatment of me. I am just done. Dad doesn’t see it as he’s at work for long hours and she is fine to him. If I bring it up to him, he seems to pity me, but not enough to actually say something to her. I’ve resorted to not initiating conversation with her and we can go hours without speaking. She just walked right by me and left the house without saying a word… I don’t struggle with my boys. They are pretty easy and predictable. They treat me well, regardless of whether they need something from me or not. Feeling so sad and used right now. </p>
<p>Our daughter is temporarily living here. The key is to give her space. I don’t expect her to talk to me day in and day out. There are days when we don’t actually chat at all…other than to say good morning.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have a job, friends, responsibilities around your house? </p>
<p>I guess what I’m saying is…I love doing things with my daughter when it’s possibible, but you know…sometimes I have things going on too…and so does she.</p>
<p>What IS your expectation with your daughter? Are you hoping she will be your new best friend because she is living at home? </p>
<p>shellz,
I empathize and want to let you know that it does happen with boys, too. One of my 3 moved home after graduation last June and I see him here pretty long term unless lightning strikes. He’s trying to break into a really difficult profession and gven his druthers, would like to be back in college. We are like oil and water. He is nasty to me, defensive about anything I say, interrupts me constantly, yet those outside our home think the world of him. I think that these kids use us as a punching bag because they know that when push comes to shove, we will not reject them. Our love is unconditional and they know it. Anything that’s bothering them can be taken out on us. I have no answers, just a virtual hug.</p>
<p>Thanks for the input, thumper1. She’s got lots going on. So much that it stresses her out, I think, and I try to account for that and not place demands on her time. I am expecting civility…manners, really. If you are living rent free , driving a family car for free, not contributing to household chores outside of unloading the dishwasher now and then, and still needing financial support, being kind and respectful is a small request. Saying hello and goodbye, answering a text regarding whether she is expecting to eat with us, should not be a huge imposition. She manages to be polite and respectful with everyone else, so I know it is somehow a reflection of our relationship. We did have a rough patch during the teen years, but it was tame compared to many friends’ experiences. </p>
<p>I am not seeking a best friend, got that base covered with a tight knit friend circle, thankfully. I just want to feel happy in my own home. Since she came home I’ve been on eggshells, and that is not my personality. </p>
<p>ETA: she does have a couple friends, but she’s very busy with school/work. I suspect she’s not happy with her life right now, as she is a type A person who is very impatient and wants to be where she wants to be…like yesterday! 'm the person she is taking out her frustration on, I guess.</p>
<p>So is she living at home while attending college? Or is she a college grad?</p>
<p>If she is newly residing at home, maybe she misses the freedom and autonomy she had whole residing at college. It IS a hard transition when adult kids love at home…but I think it’s esoecially hard if she was living at the college and now isn’t.</p>
<p>I’m unclear too-is she a grad student? Working PT as well? In any case, I went through this with my older D when she was 16-18. It was pure hell because she and I had always been close. While your D is older, what got me through it were several things-and the good news is that we are on good terms now that she is an adult.</p>
<p>First of all, your house, your rules. You as her parent have the right be be treated respectfully in your own home, ESPECIALLY if she is living rent-free and driving your car. You get to set parameters for what she can use and when she can use them, as the paying person. You get to if not set a curfew, insist on her letting you know when she’ll be there for dinner.If she doesn’t meet those very reasonable requests, then she can look for alternate transportation or even another place to live. You deserve to not get walked on and slapped in the face. </p>
<p>I mean it-it’s not easy, but we took back every thing we had gifted to my D when she refused to comply with some basic rules. “I didn’t ASK you for them!” she said. Ok then, hand them over. But she got the message and while she remained sullen, she stopped the utter disrespect. </p>
<p>How I personally handled her treating me like her punching bag was to back off. I literally took myself out of situations where I knew she would attack rather than listen. And when she started up, I’d walk away if she got nasty. It was HARD, and I cried a lot. But eventually she got the message. </p>
<p>We also went for counseling. The woman was very helpful in stopping her when she’d get into how mom was all out to get her and pointing out her own part in it. Sometimes she would have the tow of us simply talk, but with specific words, “I hear you saying you are being treated like a child.” or “I hear you saying you feel unappreciated.” This occasional hour of calm and blamelessness was a lifesaver.</p>
<p>There’s a lot of maybes and whys about what’s behind her behavior, but just because you are her parent doesn’t mean you have to allow her to treat you any way she wants to. Honestly we do our kids a favor when we set boundries. You may not want to kick your D out, but you most certainly can take the car keys and fix only dinner for those who have done you the courtesy of telling you if they will be there. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>@sseamom Thank you…just thank you! I am crying a lot, but not in front of her. I just got off the phone with H and he wants the three of us to sit down and hash through it tonight. I just don’t feel like it will be productive in the state I’m in. The really hard part is never knowing what might set her off, so removing myself a bit may be the best thing for now. Thanks for the support…and the idea of counseling may be a good one.</p>
<p>Thumper…newly graduated, in grad school/pt job, making good progress on her goals. She’s just always wanted everything HER way in HER time. This is really the first thing she has ever had to adjust her plans for, and coming home was not really what she thought her life would look like post graduation. She has free run of the house/no curfew, so as long as she is considerate she really gets no flack. I just think she needs a place to direct her frustration, and for now I am the lucky victim :-/</p>
<p>This might be far-fetched…but has she ever seen you cry over this at any point? If she sees that type of emotion if you have a sit-down to discuss the situation, is there a possibility she could somehow change the way she acts towards you? </p>
<p>People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Would you allow your friends to snap at you or speak to you disrespectfully? If not, why would you allow your kid to treat you that way? </p>
<p>“I am sorry, I don’t like the way you are speaking to me, so you are not going to get to drive my car, have free food, internet service, cell phone, bed…If you don’t like it, you can move out, and don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”</p>
<p>My younger daughter tends to be snappier than my older one. I will call her out on it every time and make her apologize. Sometimes she’ll say she is stressed because of…I tell her I don’t care, I am stressed sometimes but I don’ take it out on her.</p>
<p>I have been out to dinners with parents with their adult kids where their 20 something kids would roll their eyes, and cut off their parents (pretty much calling their parents stupid), and their parents would act like it was perfectly normal.</p>
<p>I am a dad. I barely talked to my son for 6 years. Growing up he wanted to be independent and I was too much in his face. He went off to college. He wanted to be left alone. So I did leave him alone. It hurt.</p>
<p>After about 6 years, I decided enough is enough. I texted him. I started being very nice to him. I am always nice now. At some point, some kids don’t want to hear anything from their parents. I respect that. I don’t tell him anything unless he asks and he doesn’t ask much.</p>
<p>We get along pretty well now. Not as well as I would like because I want more in the relationship than he wants. That is ok. I wanted an independent kid and boy did I get one. Somebody once wrote don’t judge how your son is doing by how he treats you ( his parent) but how he treats others. </p>
<p>My dad is a very nice guy and I did not want to hear much from him either. I try to keep this in mind.</p>
<p>^^^Your son is not living with you. He is not eating your food, sleeping under your roof, seeing you everyday and being rude.</p>
<p>I hope your family conversation tonight goes well. Maybe your husband can facilitate this. I agree, it’s not right that you are treated poorly. you are actually doing your daughter a favor…you don’t have to have her living there at all.</p>
<p>It sounds like some very simple ground rules need to be established. Maybe once those are set…and some expectations for her to be at least polite, things will improve. </p>
<p>Oldfort, he lived with me for a year and
Treated me like @@@@. </p>
<p>I know what it is like.</p>
<p>Edit… My sympathy to shellz. Good luck.</p>
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<p>I agree! Feeling disappointed with life or circumstances does not give an adult child the right to act disrespectfully to the parent who is providing shelter and probably many other things. </p>
<p>I would never tolerate that; my girls know it, so it doesn’t happen EVER. And the respect and courtesy is mutually bestowed upon them as well. We aren’t perfect parents, but this is one thing that we absolutely insist upon. </p>
<p>It’s nice that some of can say “it doesn’t happen, EVER” but sometimes things don’t go as planned. I would have said I would never let one of my sons treat me the way he has, but different things work for different kids, and sometimes you may need to try things you don’t think you should have to do. The good news is it seems like most parent child relationships are repaired after a couple of years.
Good luck Shellz</p>
<p>Good luck, OP! Hope you and H and D can set some ground rules and that your D can at the VERY LEAST be polite. These can be challenging times, but it is good to try to find some common ground and tell D specifically what she is doing which is unacceptable so it can be changed and improved. Agree that sometimes a counselor helps, at least as a sounding board and perhaps to get a fresh perspective. If you can be as concrete as possible about what the offensive behavior is and how you’d like to see it improved (without injecting emotion), that MAY help the discussion.</p>
<p>I’m back…after a good cry in private. Dinner was strained, but near the end something triggered her emotions. She cried her eyes out about her current lack of progress (rather, not fast enough progress), and missing her friends from college, which was just the opening needed to discuss this situation. Of course I started tearing up too, and was able to mention how I’d been feeling in all this. No direct finger pointing, but I think she got the point that unhappiness is not unique to her and that because she is unhappy does not give her the right to be rude with me. My goal is to engage with her on a surface level, giving her space, until she invites me in for more. I will hold her accountable for her behaviors in the most loving way possible, but I will not be treated like a doormat or a punching bag. It’s funny, my kids have had the most boundaries of many of their friends growing up, and very rarely did they treat us badly, act up or speak to us disrespectfully. (Normal teen stuff, yes…but the angry/defiant stuff, never). They knew the rules and respected them most of the time, so this blatant disrespect and rude attitude took me aback. Actually, it took me back to the sometimes awful 12-14 years with this daughter. </p>
<p>Thanks, everyone, for the virtual hugs and support. I’m strapping in for more potential bumps to come, but I think now that it is somewhat out in the open, I can begin to hold her accountable.</p>
<p>Shellz- Glad there seems to be a break through. I know it will still be tough, but it sounds like your D has some awareness of how you have been feeling. It’s horrible to go through that with a kid. I know…</p>
<p>@MomofWildChild …a little dark humor. Why did God make puppies and Babies so cute?? Makes if harder to set them out on trash day. </p>
<p>Ok ok…bad joke. But seriously! Parenting is so hard sometimes. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out? Yeah…maybe not!</p>
<p>Laughter is good medicine @shellz! And it’s better to laugh than cry. :)</p>