<p>I’m glad you had a chance to talk. Parenting teens and young adults is much harder than babies and toddlers. A friend of mine tonight said that some days being pecked to death by ducks would be preferable. </p>
<p>We also had a boomerang child for a while, and one of the things that helped everyone was treating the boomerang as an adult. That means, rent (even if it’s just symbolic amounts) . That means, sharing housework (garbage, lawns, in our case) That means, no text “are you gonna be home for dinner” – instead, if they aren’t home when you are planning/cooking, you don’t cook for them. If they go hungry, that won’t kill them. No curfew. No laundry done for them, no cleaning in their room/bathroom. No changing your plans to suit their schedule. (and if you have to, make plans just to emphasize that point) Minimal grocery accomodations. Think of them as a really friendly roommate.</p>
<p>Autonomy is a good cure for feeling displaced and drifting. Being treated like you are still a child is irritating and disabling. It’s good to have that conversation about expectations, and you need to develop a sentence of “hey, let’s play nice” when she is being awful. You are a person, too, and deserving of minimal civility. </p>
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<p>That’s so true.</p>
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<p>Good for you! Of course you cannot force someone to be warm and engaged, but you certainly can insist upon respect and courtesy in your own home from an adult. </p>
<p>Glad you had a chance to have the talk.</p>
<p>Our college grad lived with us for FOUR years and just recently moved out. I can’t say he was rude to us, but we did set some boundaries right away. He paid rent and was responsible for his own gas, health insurance after he aged out and his college loans and any other personal bills. If he didn’t like what I made, or didn’t make, for dinner, finding an alternative was up to him. I didn’t do his laundry unless I needed a few pieces to fill a load. He too was frustrated about living home, as were we. It was not the best of times and I’m not sure it was healthy for any of us. We were all doing a happy dance when he moved out, and I’m hoping that happens soon for your family too shellz. </p>
<p>We are having this conversation with our oldest son right now about possibility post graduation. Thankfully the rent in his city is very cheap, and he has a ton of money squirreled away so a post grad present will probably be enough to sustain him for a month or two until he finds a job. However, if he does come home-we will give him freedom BUT he has to let us know where he is. He does not care about that, and he will do chores when asked-he wanted a schedule of two chores a week minus daily responsibilities etc. He will have six months to get out of the house. He is VERY focused and determined and very impatient, so if he is snarky that is probably why. He wants to date and have fun when he comes home, which we respect but it will be like any other lady they bring back
in the house-nothing behind closed doors-they are fine with that. He can be snarky with his dad-our middle one has no problems. But again it is incredibly tame to what we have heard. Doesn’t help my husband has a temper as low to high as our son LOL.</p>
<p>We are also facing the likelihood that D1 will move back home after graduation. Even if she has a job, the cost of living in the NYC-metro area is crazy, so most everyone lives at home for 1-2 years. We will definitely need boundaries and rules, as she is a whirlwind of dumping stuff on the ground as she walks in the door. Clutter makes me crazy - I’m in a downsizing mode and just want to get rid of everything. Let’s not even talk about her pets…</p>
<p>Put up my Christmas tree today, to shake off the funk I’ve been in. It’s hard to feel sad when the lights are twinkling…, Not much change in the cold shoulder routine around here, but I’m still trying to smile and be polite. I hope she finds peace so that the emotional climate around here warms up for the holidays . I’ve jokingly told the youngest that he should run far and fast to college as soon as possible. It affects him too, when she is moody and abrupt. Sigh…so much to be grateful for, and yet… </p>
<p>Shellz–You do have much to be grateful for I’m very sure. You hit the nail on the head with your comment of “I hope she finds peace.” Hopefully that will come sooner than later and things will smooth out for both of you.</p>
<p>S lives at home and is very easy going, so little conflict. D2 was living home for most of last year. OMG, it was sometimes vert tough. She and H seemed to battle constantly. She and I would have issues. I told her that she was living in MY house and if she did not like it and could not be respectful, she could and should move out. We get along and are close when she is not living here.</p>
<p>I am afraid she may be moving back again soon and I am so concerned.</p>
<p>Another rough day…it’s hard to see her be nice/engaged with H, while giving me prefunctory answers at best. So cold. I don’t know who she is anymore…but I’m biting my tongue and trying to move on with my day. But it bothers me…totally heartbroken right now. You can’t make someone like you…and for whatever reason I am out of favor. I really am wracking my brain trying to figure out what I’ve done…no demands on her time, no chores, no rent, no curfews. Thx for all the input. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, but somehow hearing others’ stories makes me feel a little less alone. H says he feels helpless to see us both so sad. </p>
<p>shellz, I am so sorry it’s been so hard on you. I think I’d go the way morrismom did and tell her that she cannot act that way in YOUR home and if she does, she should move out. I know you probably don’t want to do that to her, but it might be best for all concerned. It took several years of growing up AND some distance, but my older D and I are fine now. As I said above-I spent a lot of time crying when she was so ugly at me. And I remember thinking I did not know her anymore. For some reason, she’s decided you are unworthy and do not deserve her respect. It’s likely a bogus reason, but she has convinced herself it’s real.</p>
<p>Your H can do what mine did-tell your D that he will not put up with it either. It was my H (D’s stepdad) who got to her to stop one of her rants, mid-sentence, and who called her bluff when she told him he wouldn’t DARE take all her perks away. Well, we did. And it took a few months, but she eventually apologized and got them back. But even before that she stopped with the insults and bad attitude. Your H needs to stand up for you. He is NOT helpless. He is her parent or stepparent, and he gets to tell a young person in his house how to behave. Hugs.</p>
<p>Shelz, you probably did not do anything. Your daughter needs somebody to unload to and you are that person. In a weird way, you may be helping your daughter.</p>
<p>Yep @dstark I feel like I have a giant bullseye on my back. </p>
<p>Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I will find a backbone and tell D how I feel. And H. I seriously don’t know if he will step in. Confrontation is not his thing :-/</p>
<p>Quit being a martyr and get your husband and yourself into family counseling. That he does not respect your feelings is the big issue. Ask your daughter to move out. She is not healthy for you to have in the house. She is old enough to survive, even in NYC. </p>
<p>Shellz, I think I know how you feel, as it always made me feel so sad whenever the kids were rude to me. </p>
<p>To be honest, it would really start to make me angry that the husband/dad didn’t step in and read her the riot act. Not in an out-of-control emotional way, but in a matter-of-fact communicative way: “this is hurting your mother tremendously, and we won’t have it anymore. Your choice whether to live here politely and with kindness, or to move.”</p>
<p>It’s a process, so I’m wishing for you to hang in there with strength, and to soon get harmony in the house!</p>
<p>(And I want to second the idea that you are the punching bag because she knows in her bones that you won’t reject her. She feels the safest with you.)</p>
<p>Martyr? Not even close so I’ll leave that comment be.</p>
<p>The funny thing is, my H is normally very caring and feels deeply, but he acts slowly. He has been a great husband and is generally the voice of reason. I don’t think counseling is necessary at this point as it really is the only issue I feel is troubling our home. I’ve never before felt disrespected. </p>
<p>I have a good relationship with the other kids, and think it’s possible to mend this fence. As moms we tend to absorb all of the drama that swirls around us, I think, and try to fix it. Well, this fix isn’t easy, and it may never be perfect again. </p>
<p>Thanks to those who get it, and have offered a supportive shoulder. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a small country to support the frazzled moms raising them :)</p>
<p>I recommend counseling, also. This may be the “only issue,” but it’s HUGE, which is obvious from your posts. You can’t go on living this way. It’s not fair to you OR your daughter.</p>
<p>Counseling is not some scary thing. It’s like getting a tune-up for your car. It can avert more serious problems down the road.</p>
<p>I think the reason the word “martyr” was used is that you are offended and upset, but not DOING anything about it. </p>
<p>My 19-year-old son sounds a lot like your daughter. He was very insulting to me last year. He may move back home in January. ONE outburst from him, and I will be calling a counselor. I’m not putting up with his nonsense again.</p>
<p>Oh, don’t get me wrong…I am not at all anti-counseling. I totally get that it is a valuable endeavor in many cases. I guess I don’t think we are quite there yet. But, I will consider it if things don’t turn around shortly. I’d first like to have H step up and help right this ship. </p>
<p>I hope your situation doesn’t head south, @MaineLonghorn. Having a good relationship with our grown kids is such a blessing and should never be taken for granted. This situation has actually helped me be more considerate and compassionate with my 82 y/o mom. Life is short, and I don’t want to have any regrets about my relationships with family.</p>
<p>I AM thankful that my mentally-ill 22-year-old son is such a sweetheart. He helps around the house all the time. He is respectful and fun to be with. He went with my husband and me to see “Interstellar” last night and we had such a great time! He’s getting his sense of humor back, which is wonderful.</p>
<p>Happy for you! Hope the progress continues for him, and that you have a wonderful holiday season. </p>
<p>I am counting my blessings today…health, warm home, two kids who have been sweet and kind most of the time, and this board for moral support. It could always be worse, right?</p>