<p>Our S has had issues with me since he was teen. The mood in the room would shift to the negative whenever he was around. I would hang out in my office just to not be home. H woukd blow up at him from time to time but nothing effective. As S has become happier with his life, B.S.,wife child and job (not in that order–he took the hard road) things feel better. I think his happiness and H’s changes --he would now tell S to stop with the rudness-- has hleped. That said, if S and I are in a room together there is only a little chit chat and then the discomfort sets in. At least my discomfort because if I am with someone I want to talk and he is a very silent kid in general.</p>
<p>My favorite “atttitide” that an H can have is to give the message to the kid that they are being rude to HIS WOMAN. And if we were rude to S’s wife…well he would not tolerate it.</p>
<p>sheltz, I think you are doing a lot about it by analyzing and maintaining your center.
I think that if your family went to counseling what might happen is that you D would end up 1:1. Afterall her internal tension is what you feel around her…</p>
<p>This might have already been mentioned upstream, but for kids without mental illness, I’m a big believer in natural consequences (even when the kids are of adultish age). You’ve had your dinner texts ignored. OK, don’t text and do not prepare enough for her. If she’s hungry, she’ll start letting you know, proactively, she’s heading home for dinner. If you ask her to do the wash and it’s not done, do your own clothes and leave hers dirty. Lather, rinse, repeat. Good luck. I know how sorrowful I am for what a sh*t I was to my mom. And, now she’s gone. I live with that grief and shame. </p>
<p>Also, I’d expect my husband to challenge my teen child if she’s disrespecting me. I’d tell him I expect him to call my child on her behavior and ask why she’s treating his wife that way. He knows I expect that. Thankfully, my kid is now delightful and very respectful. But, it took a treatment program when she was a tween to get us there. </p>
<p>Exactly: “My favorite “atttitide” that an H can have is to give the message to the kid that they are being rude to HIS WOMAN. And if we were rude to S’s wife…well he would not tolerate it.”</p>
<p>I guess I don’t understand all the obligation parent’s seem to have about their adult children living at home. This is not something anyone has to do. No college grad should assume this as a right. </p>
<p>Not an obligation, but an act of love. I’d be hard pressed to kick my kid out, but I send how one gets to that point. If it continues without improvement, it may be a conversation down the road.</p>
<p>There are ways to support an adult child that may or may not include bringing them into your home. My recent graduate is doing volunteer work that earns her valuable work experience, but she only gets room and board at her distant (from me) locations. But, I am happy to support her by giving her money to help with some personal expenses, something I suspect I would be doing if she were home anyway. She will be coming home for 3 months while between volunteer work, and I admit to being anxious about it. But, it’s a defined period of time. I wouldn’t be comfortable with something open-ended. </p>
<p>DS, graduate from 1 1/2 years ago, lives in another city which is known to be very expensive. So he lives with 4 roommates to make it work. </p>
<p>Yes, I love my kids and they always have a home here, and they know that. But all of us work to make moving home the last option, not the default.</p>
<p>Our D likewise is living 2500 miles from our home. She has a room in a house and yes, we pay room and board. It’s probably cheaper than if she moved back to HI and then we had her move to an apartment there. H & my tendency is to treat our kids as teens, even though they are young adults at 25 and 27. It’s healthier for us and them that they are running their own household than being a member of ours for now.</p>
<p>Would it be financially less expensive if D moved back into our home? Probably, but for her emotional and professional development, we think she needs to be on her own and exploring and feel fortunate that we can help that happen.</p>
<p>We DO love and are close to both of our kids, but it’s a time trap that happens when we’re together. It happens with my folks as well–we are frozen at some age and they are always wanting to change us and have us be some different age. It’s better for us and them that we have our separate households. Somehow, they don’t treat inlaws (like H) as the same frozen age they see us in. </p>