<p>What happened to jokes? People used to tell them all the time. I could use a lift right now so if anyone has a good one, please post it.</p>
<p>It goes without saying that we should use good online common sense and avoid anything that might be offensive (and, yes, there are jokes that are not offensive! :).</p>
<p>From an actual homily:</p>
<p>So when this guy from an isolated area went to his first supermarket he was amazed.</p>
<p>You could add water to a powder and get milk!</p>
<p>You could add water to a different powder and get orange drink!</p>
<p>And then he saw baby powder…</p>
<p>Fungus walks into a bar. Bartender kicks him out, says we don’t serve you. Fungus said, why not, I’m a fun guy.</p>
<p>Man walks into a bar. He says ouch.</p>
<p>What did the pirate say when he noticed there was a paper towel on top of his head? There’s a Bounty on my head!</p>
<p>Do you know why I always tell dumb jokes? You wouldn’t get the smart ones! (ouch!)</p>
<p>“Please, Your Honor, I’d like to be excused from jury duty,” pleaded an
anxious-looking man.</p>
<p>“Why should I excuse you?” asked the judge.</p>
<p>“You see, I owe a man five hundred dollars, and he’s leaving in a few hours for
a post abroad. He’ll be there for years and I want to catch him before
he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him.”</p>
<p>“Excused,” stated the judge coldly. “We don’t want anyone on the jury
who can lie like that.”</p>
<p>For the Chicagoans, this is my tweak of an old classic:</p>
<p>The day after Rahm Emanuel won the Chicago mayoral race, the reporters swarmed to his mother’s house. “Mrs. Emanuel…Mrs. Emanuel…you must be so proud of your son and his success.” “Yes,” she replied, “A mother couldn’t be more happy. Such a wonderful boy and such a great achievement.” “So what did you say to him about becoming mayor?” “Mayor? Oh - you’re talking about Rahm (oy, the mouth on that boy)? I thought you were talking about my other son…the doctor!”</p>
<p>What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?</p>
<p>Hot cross buns.</p>
<p>Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “dam.”</p>
<p>Good start! The funny ones made me chuckle and the, well, we’ll say less funny ones made me chuckle, too.</p>
<p>Here’s one:</p>
<p>A guy is sitting in his living room on a relaxing Sunday watching football. Suddenly the doorbell rings. He reluctantly gets up and goes to the door, opens it and discovers that there is nobody there. He looks around, left and right and then notices something on the step. He looks closely and sees a snail looking up at him. Angry at having been interrupted, he picks up the snail and hurls it across the street into the woods.
One year later, same guy, on a Sunday, watching football and, you guessed it, the doorbell rings. Irritated, he gets up and goes to the door, opens and sees nobody. He looks around, left and right and then notices the same snail on the step at his feet. The snail looks up at him and says “Hey, what was THAT all about?!”</p>
<p>How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two—one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.</p>
<p>How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven—one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.</p>
<p>How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None—Hanover doesn’t have electricity.</p>
<p>How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two–One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.</p>
<p>How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.</p>
<p>How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six–one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.</p>
<p>How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None–New Haven looks better in the dark.</p>
<p>How many Reed Students does it take to change a lightbulb?
The Entire Reed Community ™ --One to change the bulb and 1200 more to throw a $30,000 party for no reason.</p>
<p>How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One–he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him</p>
<p>How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.</p>
<p>How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven–One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation</p>
<pre><code> . . . and there are more.
</code></pre>
<p>We get some jokes from customers sometimes. Occasionally they make you laugh because they are adorable, and other times they make you laugh because the jokes are so bad. A few more recent ones that I can remember that came from customers in their 80’s:</p>
<p>Q: What is included in a newlywed sandwich?
A: It’s comprised of lettuce alone.</p>
<p>Q: Which animal has the biggest boobs?
A: A Zebra</p>
<p>Q: How do most elderly people die?
A: Waiting for customer service.</p>
<p>Loved the college ones. </p>
<p>My friends & I tell musician jokes.</p>
<p>How do you get two piccolos (or oboes or clarinets) in tune? Shoot one.</p>
<p>Why do bagpipers walk when they’re playing? To get away from the music.</p>
<p>An accordeon player parked his car and locked it, leaving his instrument visible in the back seat. When he returned, the worst had happened…the back window was smashed and someone had left another accordeon in the car.</p>
<p>I’m not very good at telling long, involved jokes…invariably I leave out some crucial detail and ruin it. But in our family, we all know the same jokes, so someone will just say a punch line and we all crack up. :D</p>
<p>One of my favorites, which I recalled often in business situations regarding the appropriate pricing of services. I think I heard it on TV from Henny Youngman.</p>
<p>A blind guy with a cup and pencils is standing on the street proclaiming “pencils, pencils”. A guy walks up and says " I’ll take one…how much are they". The blind guy responds “$100,000 apiece” The potential purchaser says “Geez buddy, you’re never gonna sell those pencils at that price”. The blind fellow says “I only want to sell one”.</p>
<p>I think people still tell jokes- I go to hear a lot of live music in little clubs & often musicians or the MC ( if they have one) tell jokes to warm up the audience inbetween sets- or to have something to do while others are tuning.</p>
<p>I particularly like the way Duff Mckagan ( former bassist wGunsnroses) tells jokes- he has two young teens so he is cognizant of his role as a dad so they arent totally tasteless- but I have bad short term memory so I can’t repeat them.
He is so funny, bleached blond hair, black leather & tattoos- he looks kinda tough, but then he tells stories about his pugs snoring.
;)</p>
<p>1moremom – more, please. Those are great.</p>
<p>How many Middlebury students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five–One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.</p>
<p>How many Stanford students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, dude.</p>
<p>How many Oberlin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three–One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.</p>
<p>How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four–One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.</p>
<p>How many Duke students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A whole frat–but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.</p>
<p>How many Williams students does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole student body–when you’re snowed in, there’s nothing else to do.</p>
<p>How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two–One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.</p>
<p>How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five–One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.</p>
<p>How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight–It’s not that one isn’t smart enough to do it, it’s just that they’re all violently twitching from too much stress.</p>
<p>How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One–she calls a Smithie to do it.</p>
<p>How many Smith students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One–all you need is one hot woman and you’ll never have a heterosexual lightbulb again.</p>
<p>How many Boston University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four–One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.</p>
<p>How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirteen–One to change the bulb and an a capella group to immortalize the event in song.</p>
<p>How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wesleyan’s boycotting GE . . . you know, military-industrial complex and all that.</p>
<p>How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two–One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn’t go out.</p>
<p>How many Bucknell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One–but he’ll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.</p>
<p>How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three–One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.</p>
<p>How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One–but she’ll only do it if it’s an alternative light bulb.</p>
<p>How many Boston College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven–One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn’t screw it in upside down this time.</p>
<p>How many Haverford College students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to call physical plant to do it, since the whole campus is too damn apathetic to do anything besides their homework.</p>
<p>How many Skidmore College students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One–and his maid, butler, cook, poolman, and gardener.</p>
<p>That’s all I’ve got. :)</p>
<p>I heard this one (or something like it) here on CC:</p>
<p>Six coeds walk into a party in Texas. A young man walks over to them and says, “Where y’all from?” They say, “Yale.” He says, “WHERE Y’ALL FROM??”</p>
<p>The Harvard student changing a bulb (the world revolving around him) is the same as one we tell about opera singers. ;)</p>
<p>Love it!</p>
<p>This isn’t a joke but it was funny. The other day I had just finished teaching a grade six class and I had a big tray of finished masks on the table when a fourth grade class came in. Two of the boys lifted the big tray to bring it to the shelf. As they passed me one said “Don’t worry Mrs. EPTR, I’m handling your delicates!”</p>
<p>Hard to keep a straight face with that one!</p>
<p>^^^ Love that!</p>
<p>Why did the shrimp refuse to give to charity?</p>
<p>Because he was shellfish.</p>
<p>1moremom, thanks!</p>