<p>Here’s one my S made up when he was about 7: (at least I think he made it up)</p>
<p>My mom is so fat that when I walk around her, I get lost!
(I’m not fat, so it’s okay…)</p>
<p>Harry, Joe & Bill were staying on the 75th floor of a hotel. When they got there the elevator was out of service, so they headed towards the stairs. Harry said “To make it less boring, I’ll tell jokes for the first 25 floors, then Joe can sing songs for the next 25 and Bill can tell sad stories for the last 25.” Harry told his jokes and at the 26th floor Joe started singing. When they got to the 50th floor Bill said “Umm, I’ll start with a story about how I left the room key in the car.”</p>
<p>How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
An Aussie to round up the other dogs.
A labrador retriever to go get the light bulb.
A great dane to act as a ladder.
A border collie to install the lightbulb… and bring the rest of the house up to code.</p>
<p>The poodle? Oh, the poodle is the one doing her nails.</p>
<p>How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one.
But the lightbulb has to want to change.</p>
<p>And… what do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a polar bear?</p>
<p>A fur coat with really big pockets.</p>
<p>It was mealtime during a flight to Cleveland.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the tired businessman, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.</p>
<p>Lady went to her doctor and said, Doctor, every time I go to the bathroom, out fall nickels, dimes, and quarters!! He said, Dont worry, you must be going through the change.</p>
<p>Guy called the emergency room and said, Doc, my wife is having a baby. What do I do? The doctor said, is this her first child? The man said, No, this is her husband.</p>
<p>A husband and wife went in for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.</p>
<p>She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.</p>
<p>Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.</p>
<p>The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”</p>
<p>The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”</p>
<p>mommusic:
Why is the soprano standing by herself on the front step?</p>
<p>She can’t find the key and she doesn’t know when to come in.</p>
<p>~mafool (who is a soprano)</p>
<p>Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, “It’s too high for him.”</p>
<p>Q: What’s the definition of an alto?</p>
<p>A: A soprano who can sightread.</p>
<p>Wow, Mafool! I had no idea there was so much music humor! lol. I’m glad I’m an alto!</p>
<p>Skyhook! Love that one!</p>
<p>Might as well share an anti-joke:</p>
<p>Q: Why can’t Hellen Keller drive?</p>
<p>A: Because she’s dead.</p>
<p>Some versions also have a sexist answer.</p>
<p>Here’s a webcomic version of an anti-joke: <a href=“http://xkcd.com/875/[/url]”>http://xkcd.com/875/</a></p>
<p>Humor may have evolved to be more about story telling now. Jokes depend on language nuance, and with our diverse cultures, too many of them elude the non-native speaker, or worse, offend us all by stereotyping. Garrison Keillor was a mentor to a generation of youth, and his humor and story telling is more what we hear in conversations; quips about a snapshot of humanity are the closest thing to a joke we hear. Speakers who program their presentations with a joke frequently fall flat, but the public officials who can find a non-offensive quip about themselves or a situation are the humorists of this era.</p>
<p>While only the first few paragraphs are available online, it’s sufficient to get the idea: [Ellis</a> Weiner: “Just In Time for Spring” : The New Yorker](<a href=“http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2011/03/28/110328sh_shouts_weiner]Ellis”>Just in Time for Spring | The New Yorker)</p>
<p>SaintSaens, that reminds me of another-</p>
<p>Have you ever seen Helen Keller’s house?</p>
<p>Neither has she.</p>
<p>Three men die and are met at the gates of heaven by St.Peter. He asks each of them to tell a little bit about themselves. The first man steps up and says " I was the best lawyer in all of New York. I made over $30,000,000 a year." The second man steps up and says “Well, I was the greatest DOCTOR in New York and I made over $40,000,000 a year” The last man shuffled up, looked around a little sheepishly and said “Uhh, I made $8000 last year…” Saint Peter interrupted him and said “COOL - what instrument do you play?”</p>
<p>It definitely has a lot to do with the fact that we are so much more sensitive and politically correct. So many jokes in the past were dependent on racism or sexism for the punch line. I think we are smarter than that, though. There are many funny jokes that don’t offend. Keep them coming.</p>
<p>When my daughter was about a year old she was sitting in her high chair drinking from a sippy cup. She pointed to the protruding nipple thing that the liquid comes out of and said “nose”. Then she started cracking up. I always thought of that as her first joke.</p>
<p>This thread, like so many others on the Parent Cafe, is a complete waste of time. Don’t you all want to live a more productive life? The key, as described in the link below, is time management: </p>
<p>[xkcd:</a> Time Management](<a href=“http://xkcd.com/874/]xkcd:”>xkcd: Time Management)</p>
<p>A man goes to the doctor for a physical. During the appointment, the man tells the doctor that he wants to have sex more often, but his wife is tired sometimes and turns him down. The doctor winks, and offers to talk to the patient’s wife about it.</p>
<p>The man leaves the exam room and tells his wife, who is in the waiting room, that the doctor wants to talk to her now. The woman enters the exam room, where the doctor proceeds to tell her: “Your husband has had some health problems in the past, and he is at a point in his life where having sex is critical to maintaining good health. In fact, he needs to have sex at least once a day or he is going to die.”</p>
<p>When she rejoins her husband in the waiting room, he asks her what the doctor told her. The wife answers: “He said you’re going to die.”</p>