Remember When People Told Jokes?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>A man gets a call from his doctor, who tells him that the results of some tests have come back. “Unfortunately, I’ve got some bad news and some worse news for you,” the doctor says. “Which do you want to hear first?”</p>

<p>“Oh, no!” the man says. “Well, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”</p>

<p>“The test results gave you about one day to live,” the doctor says.</p>

<p>“Holy cow! That’s awful!” the man says. “What could be worse news than that?!”</p>

<p>The doctor replies: “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday …”</p>

42

<p>^^^^^</p>

<p>Three winners in a row! Love them. I have to tell my husband the one about the husband and wife in the doctor’s office. Hysterical!</p>

43

<p>Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident.</p>

<p>They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.</p>

<p>Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks.
“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?”</p>

<p>The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?”</p>

<p>“Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.”
Mr. Jones begins to sob.</p>

<p>“And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.</p>

<p>“Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.”
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.</p>

<p>The doctor continues: "And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters.
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.</p>

<p>Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -
“Hey, I’m just messinging with you, dude…
You don’t have to do all that stuff - she’s dead!”</p>

44

<p>That’s dark.</p>

45

<p>A unionized public employee, a teabagger, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across and takes 11 cookies, then looks at the teabagger and says "watch out for that union guy-- he wants a piece of your cookie.</p>

46

<p>The version I heard had the Teabagger coming to that conclusion all by himself. </p>

<p>;)</p>

47

<p>I’ve heard several versions of that joke and I don’t “get” any of them! Someone explain! lol</p>

48

<p>DS#1’s favorite when he was four:</p>

<p>Q: Where do generals keep their armies?
A: Up their sleevies</p>

<p>A friend’s favorite in college:</p>

<p>Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick</p>

<p>My favorite at 50-something:</p>

<p>Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Wow–it’s getting pretty hot in here!” The other says <p-a-u-s-e>, “HOLY COW–A TALKING MUFFIN!!”</p-a-u-s-e></p>

49

<p>What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?</p>

<pre><code> Stay up all night and wonder if there really is a dog!
</code></pre>

50

<p>I would like to invite you to the wedding of AT&T and T-Mobile…
after the wedding there will be no reception.</p>

51

<p>A recent study showed that married women weigh more than single women. The reason? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and go to the fridge.</p>

52

<p>Totally wonderful use of the last 10 minutes. Thanks posters!</p>

<p>What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza delivery guy?
The pizza delivery guy can feed a family of 4.</p>

53

<p>I just heard that Donald Trump wants to see Osama’s death certificate!</p>

54

<p>All of America wants to see Donald’s true hairline. ;)</p>

<p>And I heard Osama was informed of a typo when he arrived on the other side and was beaten up by a whole lot of good 'ol boys…72 Virginians…</p>

55

<p>Wow…just read another one, from Stephen Colbert: “The hardest part about sending Navy Seals after Bin Laden must have been flooding the compound first.”</p>

56

<p>Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two (they’re small).</p>

<p>I know lots of music jokes:</p>

<p>Q: What’s the definition of “perfect pitch”?
A: When you throw a banjo in a well and it hits bottom without touching the sides.</p>

<p>Q: What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.</p>

<p>Q: What’s the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
A: Lipstick. </p>

<p>Q: What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the assh*** in the back. </p>

<p>Q: If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A1: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
A2: Who cares?</p>

<p>Q: Why do violists get nervous when they see the Kama Sutra?
A: All those positions! </p>

<p>Lawyer jokes:</p>

<p>Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.</p>

<p>Blond jokes (are these politically incorrect these days?):</p>

<p>Q: How many blonds does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
A: Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M’s.</p>

57

<p>Apple was just named the country’s most valued brand which explains why the Treasury has just replaced the dollar as our official currency with the iTunes gift card.</p>

58

<p>Q: Why do mice have tiny balls?
A: Because only about 10% of them know how to dance.</p>

59

<p>lol After the week we just went through, jokes are needed.</p>

60

<p>Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!</p>