<p>1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count
that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .
21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.</p>
<p>Brava,Atomom! Brava! 13 and 14 are my favorites!</p>
<p>Had to send #24 to DS, who has a chemistry test today. (Think it’ll help??)</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing!</p>
<p>“When my daughter was about a year old she was sitting in her high chair drinking from a sippy cup. She pointed to the protruding nipple thing that the liquid comes out of and said “nose”. Then she started cracking up. I always thought of that as her first joke.”</p>
<p>My niece had a similar first joke. She was having her diaper changed and said “Humpty Dumpty…poopoo! Hahahahaha!”</p>
<p>We love the scatological humor in our family. Also lawyer jokes (3 out of 6 in the nuclear family are lawyers):</p>
<p>What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.</p>
<p>What do you call ten dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.</p>
<p>Why have scientists started using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments?
A1: The scientists don’t get so attached to them.
A2: There are some things a rat just won’t do.</p>
<p>Another musical one:
What’s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
“I didn’t wake up this morning…”</p>
<p>Why are all soprano jokes one-liners?
So that the tenors can understand them.</p>
<p>How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1…5…1… (1…4…5…5…1)</p>
<p>I’ll stop with the music jokes now!</p>
<p>mafool,
I asked the band teacher in my school why there are so many music jokes and he cracked up! He said “what’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn’t.”</p>
<p>Waiter: Would you prefer the beef or the duck?</p>
<p>Prince Philip: What is the duck like?</p>
<p>Waiter: It’s like a chicken but it can swim.</p>
<p>Marilyn in post 5 - great joke!</p>
<p>What do you get when you cross a Dutch painter with a New York City cab driver?</p>
<p>Vincent Van Go [make love to] Yourself.</p>
<p>What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.</p>
<p>A blond goes to the doctor in terrible pain. “Doc,” she says, “it hurts when I do this.” She touches her elbow. “And it hurts when I do this.” She touches the top of her head." And it hurts when I do this." She touches her knee. “What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”</p>
<p>And the all purpose insult joke: The mad scientist’s assistant Igor is sent down to the brain store to buy some brains for the scientist’s new creation. He goes in and asks the Brain store guy, “What’s fresh?” “Well,” the guy says. “We’ve got the brains of Amherst graduates for $20 a pound, brains of Yale graduates for $35 a pound, and brains of Notre Dame graduates for $18 a pound, on special.” Igor says, “But what’s that fancy looking jar on the top shelf?” “Oh, the guy says–that’s a special product. Those are the brains of Harvard legacies–they cost $5,000 a pound.” “Five grand!” says Igor, “Why so much?” “Well,” says the guy, “do you know how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?”</p>
<p>oh my gosh, these are all great. Plus I had no idea that musicians had such great senses of humor.</p>
<p>Hanna, what’s black and brown, and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.</p>
<p>A guy is sentenced to a long term in prison. He is being shown around by another prisoner, and they go into an activity room where there is a large group of prisoners sitting around. One of the prisoners stands up and says, “78-33-21.” All of the other prisoners laugh uproariously. Another prisoner gets up and says, “12-233-45.” Again, everybody laughs. “What gives?” asks the new guy. “Oh,” says the guide. “They’re telling dirty jokes. Only we’ve been in stir so long that we know them all so well, we just use numbers for the parts of the joke to save time.” “Could I try?” asks the new guy. “Sure, why not?” says the guide. So, the new guy stands in front of the crowd, and just yells out some numbers at random: “8-132-44.” Total silence. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks the guide. “We like dirty jokes,” replies the guide. “But that was just disgusting.”</p>
<p>A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a line of 200 men walking in Single file.
The man couldn’t stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, “I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose
funeral is It?” The man replied, “Well, that first coffin is for my wife.”
“What happened to her?”
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “Well, who is in the second coffin?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, “Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “get in line”.</p>
<p>A dude walking along a tall, solid fence suddenly hears a voice on the other side of the fence repeating, 371, 371, 371, 371 Curious about whats going on behind the fence, the dude stops, peeks into a small hole in one of the boards and gets poked in the eye with a stick! As the dude runs away, the voice behind the fence continues, 372, 372, 372, 372 </p>
<p>What’s gray and furry and hangs upside down in caves?</p>
<p>Stalagmice.</p>
<pre><code> C’mon. You can do better.
</code></pre>
<p>Little Johnny is taking a math exam, sitting in the back of the room, flipping a coin. the teacher comes up to him and asks “what are you doing?” Johnny replies “I have no idea about many of these questions so I am just flipping a coin and guessing”. Shortly after the teacher announces to the class that they have five minutes left, he sees Johnny in the back furiously flipping the coin. He asks “Johnny, what are you doing?” Johnny looks at him and replies “I am checking my answers”.</p>