<p>These 2 are a little corny but here it goes:
- What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? With the bird flu you get tweetment and with the swine flu you get oinkment.
- What do you do to a dead chemist? You barium.</p>
<p>( from the bassist from Guns 'n Roses)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Or: “When drum solo stop, bass solo begin.”</p>
<p>I love this thread!</p>
<p>I always heard it: “When drum solo stop, viola solo begin.”</p>
<p>You music people are unbelievable! lol.</p>
<p>You may need to be a string player to appreciate these:</p>
<p>Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it. </p>
<p>Q: What’s the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One </p>
<p>Q: What’s the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: half a measure </p>
<p>Q: What is the longest viola joke?
A: “Harold in Italy”</p>
<hr>
<p>A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, “You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last–the one that started with a long trill.”</p>
<p>The pianist said, “Huh? I didn’t play any pieces that started with trills.”</p>
<p>The viola player said, “You know–[hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]”</p>
<p>A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?”</p>
<p>“Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.”</p>
<p>The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”</p>
<p>“Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!”</p>
<p>The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”</p>
<p>“Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”</p>
<p>A man walks out on his porch in the morning and sees a snail headed toward his flower bed. He doesn’t want to squash the snail and make a mess, so he picks it up and flings it as far away as he can. A year later he walks out on the porch and sees a snail. The snail looks up at him and says “What did you do that for?”</p>
<p>^^^Cute, coureur.</p>
<p>heard this on NPR’s Car Talk today; from a collection called Haikus for Jews (but I think this is cross cultural!)</p>
<p>Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I’ve done?</p>
<p>I checked the source and also found this:</p>
<p>Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one’s child
is an internist. </p>
<p>OK–they are not jokes, but they did make me laugh.</p>
<p>This opens up a whole new realm of possibilities!</p>
<p>notrichenough, it speaks volumes about my musical knowledge that I did not understand a single joke in your post 87. How humiliating. </p>
<p>I love this thread.</p>
<p>Another CarTalk joke:</p>
<p>A student tells his Geology professor the earth is four billion and three years old.
The professor asks, “How in the world did you come up with that number?”
The student says, “Well, the first time I took this course I flunked the exam. At the time, you said the earth was 4 billion years old … and that was three years ago!”</p>
<p>Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can’t get up that high.</p>
<p>Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins. </p>
<hr>
<p>These two tuba players walk past a bar…</p>
<p>Well, it could happen!</p>
<p>An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, “Wait a second! You’re in the wrong place! Beat it!”</p>
<p>So, the engineer goes down to Hell and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions and begins to make improvements. Before long, there’s running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.</p>
<p>One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there?”</p>
<p>Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”</p>
<p>God replies, “What! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!”</p>
<p>Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”</p>
<p>God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah?” the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?</p>
<p>Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?</p>
<p>A: One is a slimy, bottom-dwelling scum-sucker. The other is a fish.</p>
<p>I need a new fix of good jokes!</p>
<p>A man walks into a bar with his dog, tells the bartender his dog can talk, makes the bet that if his dog can talk, that he and the dog can have a beer. Bartender looks dubious, but agrees.</p>
<p>Guy asks the dog "what is at the top of a house? and the dog replied “wroof” (some variation on woof). Bartender grimaces, but gives them a beer apiece, which they drink.</p>
<p>Guy says “I see you don’t believe he can talk, really,he can”. Bartender looks stony, but says “Okay, I’ll go one more round”…Guy says to the dog “What you you call it when a pitcher throws to first base without taking his foot off the rubber?” Dog says “Balrk”…guy tells the bartender “see, he knew the answer, he said balk”…bartender groans, but gives them a beer apiece.</p>
<p>Finally, guy says “You really don’t believe me? Let us do one more, and you know what,we’ll share a beer if I win”. Bartender against his better judgement, says “okay, but if I am not convinced, you get no beer, no anything, and get thrown out on your butts”.</p>
<p>Guy says “sure…”…to the dog “Who was the greatest player of all time?”. Dog sits for a moment, then says “Wroofth”. Bartender without a word, grabs them, takes them through the door and throws them in the street. </p>
<p>Guy picks himself up, is dusting himself off, dog picks himself up, licks himself a bit, looks at the guy and says “Do ya think I should have said Dimaggio?”</p>
<p>A conductor of an orchestra is get sick suddenly, and cannot go on stage with the orchestra. In a panic, the manager asks the musicians if any of them can conduct, and the principal viola player raises his hand. He rehearses the orchestra that day, then conducts them that night, and gets a standing ovation. The conductor is still sick, and the viola player is doing to well they let him conduct for the next week of performances. By the start of the next week, the regular conductor is well enough to come back, and the viola players goes back to his section. When he sits down next to his stand mate, the other guy says to him “so where have you been for the last week?”</p>
<p>Hot shot lawyer one day is in his office, after losing a couple of big cases, and who should pop into his office but the devil. Devil tells him he has noticed the lawyer seems a bit down on his luck, and he has a proposition for him. Devil tells him that if he (the lawyer) will give him the souls of himself and his family,he will guarantee the lawyer will win any case, no matter how hopeless, for the rest of his life. </p>
<p>Lawyer listens, then sits there for a long time, thinking, scratching his head, shaking his head, etc.</p>
<p>The devil, getting irritated, asks him “well, what’s the story? Why the delay?”.</p>
<p>Lawyer shakes his head “That is a great deal, problem is, I can’t see the catch”</p>
<p>An old one:</p>
<p>A guy walks into a Dentist’s office and says: Doc, you gotta help me!
The Dentist says: What’s the problem? It’s really late and I’m trying to close up here.
The guy says: I think I’m a moth!
Dentist: What? What do you mean you think you’re a moth?
Guy: That’s it. I really think I’m a moth.
Dentist: You don’t need me, what you need is a psychiatrist!
Guy: I know, but your light was on.</p>