Renting a room/basement from a former teacher -- weird even in my situation?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi Everyone,</p>

<p>The drama with my mother has become quite the saga, and I apologize for that. Bref, some of you already know this, but she’s been shaky with depression ever since my father died and is continuously plagued by worry over money. She’s always been needy and controlling, but as of late, she’s gotten really bad. She yells and screams at me when things don’t go her way and she wants me to spend every waking minute with her. It’s basically gotten to the point where I resent her and wish I could lead a different life. I just got back from a study abroad trip where I had never been happier since I was on my own and in control of my life, so now I know without a doubt that I can handle living away from her.</p>

<p>I don’t have a place on campus for this next year, but I asked around and actually found something. One of my former teachers (who is also an acquaintance of my mother) has extra room in her house and lives about ten minutes away from campus (in comparison, I live an hour away). I’m going to go check out the house to see if it’d be a good fit (she said I could have her spare room and then parts of her basement once she clears it out), but since she said she’d probably only charge me $100/mth for the room, use of kitchen, use of laundry machines, and the use of Wi-Fi, I think this is a really, really good deal and opportunity.</p>

<p>However, some friends of mine have commented that it’s a bit weird to be renting a room from someone’s house and that it’s weird because she’s a former teacher of mine. To me, though, this actually seems like a GOOD thing. I know her, my mother knows her, I won’t be directly responsible for the things in the house; what’s the issue with this?</p>

<p>Also, my mother DOES know about this, but she’s under the impression that I’m only looking into it because of the distance and the cheap price. She keeps saying things like “you can just come home for the weekends” and “it’s so cheap you could just stay there a few weeks out of the month,” but in all sincerity, I DON’T want to do that. The whole point IS to get away from her, and when she frankly asked “are you just trying to get away from me?”, I responded with a gentle “Mom, you know that I need to be more independent, and I think this would be a great first step.”</p>

<p>So, am I right in thinking that this is probably an incredible opportunity? I know I’ll still have to deal with my teacher’s rules and that I can’t just do whatever I want since it wouldn’t be my house, but anything would seriously be better than what I have right now. I feel incredibly guilty for hiding all these feelings from my mom, but whenever I expressed some of them in the past, she always freaked out and started screaming/crying while locking herself up in her room like a child.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading this, and thanks for all the support throughout my struggle with this!! You have no idea how much I appreciate it.</p>

2

<p>Yes, great price and a great opportunity, and no, not weird in the slightest.</p>

<p>You can explain to your mom that on Monday nights you have a study group which meets until 9 pm. Then on Tuesday you have a committee meeting for an event you are running which will run late. Etc. The week runs out and you’ve got a clean, safe place to sleep… and oops- you’re participating in the political union brunch Saturday morning, need to spend the weekend on campus.</p>

<p>You will return home to see your mom when it works for your schedule, but you will have much more control over how she makes you feel when you are not chained to your childhood bedroom.</p>

<p>great step forward!!!</p>

3

<p>When I went to college, my parents had someone rent out my old room for extra cash. It’s not weird to rent rooms from someone’s house. </p>

<p>For $100/month, I’d jump at it. </p>

4

<p>Once a new semester begins, professors don’t remember very much about past students unless they were royal screwups. So your professor will probably not think it’s at all weird. You should be able to get past it too.</p>

5

<p>Out of the frying pan into the fire…
Glad your study abroad ended up being a great experience!
It’s not weird to rent a room in a house but having the former teacher be an acquaintance of your mom could be a problem. And does this former teacher have your present teachers as friends? Do they run in the same circles?
That wouldn’t be good either. Your mom probably thinks this is good because she can “keep an eye on you” through the teacher. If that is even a slight possibility don’t do it. You’d be still walking on egg shells, putting the teacher in a bad position possibly if your mom asks her about you—only you know the parties involved to know if those scenarios could happen. Anything you tell the teacher (you will be roommates after all) may go straight back to mom or possibly your other teachers.
If you decide to do it–I know the price is tempting–do it on a month by month basis to try it out and keep looking for another room/apartment that would insulate you more from your mom.
Is the teacher renting the room just because she knows you need one or does she always have the room for rent (if not you then someone else?)</p>

6

<p>Awesome solution! I think it’s actually great that you are renting from someone you know (and trust, right?) for the first place out of your home/dorm. Not weird at all. You can keep in touch with your mom on a regularly basis but establish distance and your independence. </p>

7

<p>That’s a great deal! Last year, a young man stayed in our daylight basement and we charged him $140/week!</p>

8

<p>Yes, it’s a great deal, but, like gouf, I think it may not be as clean a break as you hope. Still, I would give it a try and gently speak to the woman about boundaries.</p>

9

<p>Sounds like a great opportunity for you. With an affordable place so close to campus, you can get more involved in activities that you’re interested in there. Even your mom seems to recognize the advantages of staying closer with someone you both know. It doesn’t seem weird to stay with a former teacher, although you may feel less comfortable having friends over etc. I would make sure to have a frank discussion about expectations with the teacher beforehand. I would emphasize the practicality of living closer with your mom, rather than a desire to get away. It does sound like your mom is depressed. Any other sources of support that she might be willing/able to access if you are less available? Best of luck to you!</p>

10

<p>Is it a former high school teacher or college professor?</p>

11

<p>It might not be a clean break, but even a gradual move towards independence potentially could be better than the present situation. </p>

12

<p>Thanks so much, everyone!! To clarify, this is a former elementary teacher, and she knows my mom because my mom works in the same district. They’re not friends or anything, but my mom knows her semi-well and did admit that she trusts her and everything. </p>

<p>I would definitely have to ask about boundaries and expectations. She seemed really chill about it and actually has the extra room because her sons recently moved out. She’d probably have it open for other people if they wanted it, but I do think she’s being extra generous because she’s known me for practically my whole life. </p>

13

<p>I think this is a GREAT, inexpensive opportunity for your to get a bit more independence and distance! Good idea to go over boundaries and expectations, especially having guests over for study groups and small parties, which can come up. Sometimes folks have different rules for their kids than they might have for someone not related by blood and articulating what you and she expect will be better done ahead of time.</p>

14

<p>Not weird at all. Would be weird if your professor was male, but since she’s female, no problem. She may be happy not having to live alone in the house, and you are someone she feels comfortable with.</p>

15

<p>Also wondered if this was a HS teacher or college prof. And wil you be paying the $100/mo or will your mom? Will she cut it off if she wants you home?</p>

16

<p>Sounding better and better. Just set some boundaries about friends etc. Go for it!</p>

17

<p>Great in so many ways. We have a 3rd fl set up with a room, it’s own bathroom. microwave and fridge, used by profs who live too far away to commute, (one at a time, usually for the whole academic year.) They come in the front door, we sometimes chat, then they retreat; it’s been remarkably fine. Have done this for over ten years. You do set the tone early- she’s not a mom substitute or privy to all your personal details, you’re not obliged to go out to dinner with her, etc. How nice to be so near campus, but with a known person.</p>

<p>(Maybe I’m charging too little, ML, but they are here part time, just per their teaching and meeting schedules.)</p>

<p>edited because something got lost.</p>

18

<p>I think this is a terrific opportunity. And a very very cost effective price! </p>

<p>I know several people, all teachers as a matter of fact, who rent the extra room out to help cover the cost of the monthly mortgage. Not weird at all. Since is it not one of your college professors, this sounds like a super great situation. Also better, too, because your Mom trusts her and is not giving you a difficult time moving there.</p>

<p>If you can use the kitchen, that is an added bonus, as some people who rent a room don’t include the kitchen. (Just remember to keep it super neat.)</p>

<p>Sounds terrific, although I agree with all the other posters about setting boundaries and expectations in the beginning. </p>

<p>I also agree with @jsrcmom‌ that it would be beneficial to keep all your conversations with your Mom only about how this is cheaper because it is so close to school and so affordable. Even if she upsets you, don’t reply about the room being an opportunity to get away. Until you are in the room, she could still say no. I know it will be extremely difficult, but you need to be pleasant, bite your lip, and not get into any disagreements with her. It will be easier once you are at the rental.</p>

<p>Good job being proactive and finding this terrific opportunity! Best wishes!</p>

19

<p>Jym, I will be paying for everything myself. In fact, at home, I usually give my mom extra money because she can’t always afford everything. </p>

20

<p>This sounds even better than first described. The landlady sounds like more of an acquaintance of your mom’s than a good friend. Definitely go for it!</p>