<p>My posting is first, not meant to imply in any way that all or even most on the autistic spectrum have violent tendencies. Just this one case from the father’s own description, his scars, and witnessing a few ugly incidents from visiting as a casual friend invited to the home which the father mentioned were “mild”. </p>
<p>I received this request today while I was celebrating father’s day with my family. While I feel really bad for the single father’s situation, there are some serious issues which cause me to lean strongly to decline completely or to provide it with limited conditions.</p>
<p>One is the fact the adolescent’s violent tendencies has been such that he has destroyed/damaged past computer hardware and from the father’s description of what he’s doing to the current family computer…won’t be long before that machine joins the scrapyard. </p>
<p>Second is the factor of having to deal with having the son in such a disordered dwelling that there’s no practicable working space and the possibilities the he may get so out of control it may jeopardize the computer or the safety of the child/myself while working with delicate electronic equipment. </p>
<p>Third is the fear of being sucked into a never-ending computer support/family drama…especially considering this is unpaid. </p>
<p>While I already know my decision, I want to hear some thoughts/opinions on this post, especially from those knowledgable about dealing with such situations due to personal and/or professional experiences.</p>
<p>Commendable that you are considering providing help to a family that seems to need much help. We have a daughter with special needs (not autistic nor violent) and are appreciative to her larger support circle for how they enrich her life.</p>
<p>Your concerns sound reasonable given the information provided.
Would the father be present in their home while you were providing the computer help?
Do they need help setting up hardware only, which you could do offsite for safety?
Or are they looking for you to instruct the son in it’s use?</p>
<p>Yes, but it won’t help as the son can get so out of control his father can’t restrain him. Not to mention there’s no other parent as the mother passed away several years ago. I’ve seen the son get out of control, the scars on the father, and how in general, it seems the son’s running the house and the father so cowed he’s inclined to give his son whatever he wants to purchase some moments of peace. </p>
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<p>The family computer is having blue screens of death, crashes, and slowdowns. From what the father told me, it sounds like it might be a mix of downloading questionable materials and possibly failing hardware due to the son’s long-standing tendency to hit or otherwise abuse the hardware. </p>
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<p>No. It’s to examine what’s causing the blue screens, crashes, and slowdowns. </p>
<p>Considering the son’s violent out of control tendencies, the sessions would probably not be productive and unacceptably serious risks for myself from a liability and safety standpoint.</p>
<p>My take on this sort of exercise is to consider the other demands on your time and resources from your immediate family, extended family, work, social obligations, etc. and then only make a commitment if you can reasonably tolerate the time and resources. This case has the added complication of the environment. You can’t save the world and you really have to take care of your own responsibilities first. I would consider taking this on for family or I’d ask my son to take this on for family. I do not think that I’d take this on outside of family unless it were a really good friend.</p>
<p>From my knowledge of the situation, the risks from the son when he’s violently out of control is such that I’d never involve my kids if I had them and would strongly advise them to reconsider if they were considering doing it…even if it was family. Especially if they were under 18. In my book, their safety is paramount before anything else.</p>
<p>If it was family, I’d involve myself and make a request to extended family members to make it a team effort so they take the father & son off for some activities/hanging out for the day so I can work on the computer in peace. </p>
<p>Moreover, someone in the extended family would be paying me for my services…albeit at a discount rate for the following reasons:</p>
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<li><p>To discourage unreasonable relatives from taking those with special skills for granted by presumptuously “expecting them” to provide what are essentially huge favors. </p></li>
<li><p>There’s the notion in my professional side of the family that paying…even at a discount rate* shows the family respects the individual as a skilled professional…especially younger members. However, if a given family member can’t pay, there will be other family members who will do so in his/her stead. Only time doing something for free would be acceptable is if it came from the complete volition of the one offering the service without any prompting. Any pressuring such as using “but they’re family” is considered sufficient grounds to consider the relative…even older ones as presumptuously entitled and the requests can be turned down without much drama. </p></li>
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<p>My oldest uncle with whom I have a great relationship told off several other older relatives who tried pulling that with me and another professionally skilled relative to guilt-trip us into providing free services “because they’re family” back when I was a teen.</p>
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<li>Not necessarily cash, but also in forms of helping out in the future with their skills including good cooking.</li>
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<p>So he is not asking you to work with or near the autistic child? Why don’t you go over and work on the computer when noone is home? (Did I read through the thread too quickly? )</p>
<p>Because he and that son are almost always home when school’s out, the fact the son always needs someone around to care for him which means the dad, son’s violent tendencies meant the rest of his relatives/friends have stopped* stepping up to take care of the son so he can get a break/situations like this, same tendencies mean he can’t be out in public for extended periods, and I need the father to allow me into the apartment building/apartment when I visit. </p>
<p>In short, the situation is such that I will be working in close proximity of that son if I agreed to help. </p>
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<li>No judgment as I’ve seen how violently out of control the son can get and don’t blame them for wanting to have little/nothing to do with him.</li>
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<p>Tell them you have some diagnostic tools in your home you will need to use to plug into to monitor and diagnose the problems. You have to take the computers out of their home and fix them. </p>
<p>It sounds that this autistic child needs some medication adjustments to stop this violent behavior. Also if he is into gaming or what not, does this have something to do with these violent episodes?</p>
<p>Our son is 215 pounds with seriously huge muscles. He’s somewhat of a scary-looking guy unless you know him. His former manager always asked him to sit down when meeting with him. He asked why one time and was told that he was intimidating standing up.</p>
<p>One stumbling block is my being able to carry out the computer without possibly incurring the wrath of the son. It’s something the father’s concerned about and along with the possibility that any loaner computer I provide so the father can continue his work-from-home job may be heavily jostled/abused by the son. </p>
<p>Moreover, from the son’s behavior and computer issue symptoms from the father, there’s a high likelihood the computer may not be repairable without use of expensive replacement parts(i.e. OEM motherboard, hard drives, RAM, PSU, etc). They don’t have the money to get replacement parts and they’re not thrilled with the loaner computer I am willing to provide due to the great possibility I am dramatically shortening its life by placing it in that home for even a few days.</p>
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<p>My concerns for safety/liability include the possibility of having an arrest record/hassles from dealing with local cops for having to defend oneself from the son with violent tendencies…especially considering the father is of the type to take the side of his son if such a push comes to shove comes to pass. </p>
<p>A reason why I’d never involve my kids in this situation if I had them.</p>
<p>Two things: It sounds as though you would like to provide some help to this family, and it sounds as though you are making it more complicated than it is.</p>
<p>To help: Say, “Sure, I’ll take a look at it. You can drop it off at [my house, my office, my…].” Getting it out of the house, providing a replacement while it is gone, etc. is not a part of that. If pressed to come to the house simply respond, “I’ll be happy to take a look at it. You can drop it off at [my house, my office, my…].” No need to embellish or go on about reasons, simply make the offer of help. It can then be accepted or rejected.</p>
<p>The rest of the complications (getting it out of the house, loaner, replacement if unrepairable, etc. are not yours, and the parent can look for used equipment on Craig’s list, remove the computer while the young man is not at home, contact other friends/relatives, etc. - again those parts are not YOUR part.</p>
<p>I agree from alamemom above. If he wants your help, he can meet the request of getting the computer to you. If he is unable to do so, then you can’t help. If he is unwilling to pay for the repair, then there is no sense having you look at it anyway. You don’t need to involve yourself in the situation to provide your computer expertise.</p>
<p>The father’s been trying to get medical adjustments for years to no avail. Doesn’t help that the family’s not in a good financial state. </p>
<p>He does game, but I’m not of the belief that violent games contribute to most incidents of violence in players. The few bits of research I’ve read arguing this tend to be dodgy and were written more as political/social hack pieces with an extremely thin veneer pretense at scientific objectivity. </p>
<p>Among other things, that would mean the vast majority of my HS, gaming friends, and I myself would be inclined toward being violent. Nothing could be further from the truth. </p>
<p>This includes friends and classmates who have been diagnosed on the autism spectrum. </p>
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<p>Actually, I am trying to get feedback to see if my way of processing the info/coming to my decision has fully considered all the angles. In short, whether I’ve overlooked anything regarding special consideration for those in constrained circumstances such as a single father with a son on the severe side of the autism spectrum. </p>
<p>Part of this is to ensure I am not falling into a common trap those with my MBTI personality type fall into of not considering feelings as I am an ENTJ who tends to be heavy on the NTJ side. </p>
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<p>Then it effectively means the same as my declining to help as there’s no logistical way he could do so due to distance and having to be constantly around the son when son’s not in school as even his extended family won’t watch him for a few hours due to his violent tendencies.</p>
<p>Your description of how your family manages each others’ expectations to trade skills for family strength, versus protecting its younger generation from guilt-trips, gave the backdrop. Kudos to you for thinking this through from the perspective of your family’s values.</p>
<p>My DIL teaches preschool children with severe autism in their homes, and comes home needful of recovery although she has graduate training in all of this (Columbia U). Although they trust and love her, her tiny clients pull her hair and glasses continuously, and sometimes bite when stressed. Asking them to work stresses them, and as she is their therapist, it’s built in to every session. Their parents, who sit nearby or in a next room, are much more in charge emotionally than what you describe here. The situtation you outline is quite another level of intensity, with a grown man. </p>
<p>Also I recall DIL telling me that her agency often asks her, “Do you speak Mandarin?” (unfortunately the answer is: no). The shame (wrongly placed, of course) of having severe autism in a young child keeps some families from seeking help early on, with some Asian families particularly still under that cloud. You are careful to lay no blame, and I don’t want to do that either. It just seems so difficult to me with my neurotypical offspring, what families endure. </p>
<p>I absolutely understand from DIL’s experiences how something like removing a computer from the house could trigger the son into a rage. And so I began to agree with the consensus developing above, that your only safe option is to work on the computer away from the house. Can you focus on how that might happen? </p>
<p>I began imagining you in a taxicab at 2 a.m. at the base of the apartment, with dad coming out and handing it to you. Your shepherding it home would ensure safety of the equipment, but do it when son is asleep. </p>
<p>I can’t see that you’ve missed a beat in your analysis, except if you can brainstorm hard on how to get the equipment safely to you… at the cost of the magnificent other relative who covers the taxi fares along with the value of your technical/professional services on the equipment.</p>
Offering this (to have him drop off the computer) would still be better than just saying no. What you’ll have to repeat is, “I really prefer to work on computers in my own workspace.” After all, he’s asking you for free help.</p>
<p>Is this a computer that he must share with his son?</p>
<p>Perhaps the best thing that you can do, is help the father come up with a computer that would be for his own sole use, and a secure way to store it when the son is at home. If the son has a computer that is only for his own sole use, then perhaps (and perhaps not) the son will take better care of that computer. But for a little while at least, the father will not have to worry about losing the livelihood that access to a computer makes possible for him.</p>
<p>You might be overfunctioning to try to also figure out how the dad will fare without use of his computer for several days. While that’s a shake-up in family routine for the autistic son, that anger is something the dad will have to work with on their own time and likely resembles many other shifts in domestic routine that upset the son. You honestly didn’t cause that and shouldn’t be nearby while they go through his noticing the loss of equipment on the desk.</p>
<p>On that dilemma, all you can honestly offer is a promise to work on their equipment quickly, in order to reduce the number of days the dad can’t do his from-home business. </p>
<p>All in all it might be preferable to provide no substitute hardware while theirs is being looked at.</p>
<p>Also: can the relative cover the dad’s lost opportunity for business during the several days while computer is out, or is that too much cash?
My mom tried to teach me that if you can buy your way out of a problem, do it. Your family’s willingness to spot each other over rough patches is something wonderful.</p>
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