Requesting Advice: Am I being Overprotective?

Parent Cafe
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<p>My son just turned 18 and got his license. He’s a good kid and always calls to let me know if he’s running late and when he’ll be home. He doesn’t drink or get high (and I know he actually doesn’t) so I don’t have to worry about that. But, I still can’t go to sleep until he’s home. I want to know that he’s home safe. I remember my mom staying awake til my brothers got home.</p>

<p>My question is: Am I being overprotective? Am I coddling him by waiting up? What do other parents do? Is it a common practice or does everyone just go to sleep and trust that the kid will call if there’s any trouble?</p>

<p>My son says there is no reason for me to wait up because he could always call me. Well yes that’s true for most situations but it’s the bad ones that could prohibit that.</p>

<p>This is creating discord because I want him home by 11:30 on weeknights and 1:00 on weekends. He often ends up getting home about a half-hour to an hour after my requested time. (At least he does call to let me know.) I don’t have to go to work early in the morning but I do need to get to bed by around midnight, because I’ve had problems with insomnia and if I stay up past 1:00 then I tend to not go to sleep til 3 or 4! Right now I’m not getting enough sleep and he’s says it’s my fault for insisting on staying up. I think those are reasonable times! I am concerned that if I just go to bed that I’ll wake up at 3 am and he won’t be home and I’ll be really worried. To me, my request is reasonable, but to him I am ‘cramping his style.’ He has a job and is responsible, so I don’t think he’d abuse it TOO much, but he does tend to stay up way too late and not get enough sleep.</p>

<p>I know he’ll have to learn to manage his time when he’s away at college. And I don’t think I will be so worried when he’s at college because at least he won’t be as likely to be driving around a large city by himself - he’ll be more likely to be with other people since they have to go home to the same place he does. Right now he might take a date home across town, then has to drive a 30-40 minute drive home in a big city by himself. I am not comfortable with that. So if anything I think I will worry less when he’s at college. And not knowing what he’s doing will force me to let go. But must I relinquish any restrictions now?</p>

<p>He says his friends’ parents don’t wait up for them. But most of his friends’ parents aren’t much involved in their lives in other ways either. What are the views of the parents here?</p>

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<p>I don’t get it. How is your sleep habit tied to your son? If you cannot sleep are you really sending out a query for how many other parents stay awake until junior arrives?</p>

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<p>If he has a good track record and he has turned 18, it may be time to give him more room. </p>

<p>Over the course of senior year, our D earned more and more freedom. By year end, we were not waiting up and D did not abuse the privilege.</p>

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<p>I couldn’t stay awake that late if I wanted to. Phone is next to the bed…he would call. Our rule is last one home turns out the hall light…that way one glance and I know if everyone is home in bed.</p>

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<p>If your son is 18, then I think what you are describing may be in indirect way of trying to control his behavior in a way that is not appropriate to his age.</p>

<p>It’s completely appropriate to stay awake; in fact you HAVE to, before your kids get their licenses, because you probably have to go pick them up. Once they can drive independently, you need to assess your kids’ maturity, community standards, the likelihood that there’s any valid reasons for them to be out later than a mutually agreed on time, and then either establish a house curfew or not. There’s no right answer as to whether there should be a curfew for older teens; I personally do not have one for my older; my younger knows I can’t stay awake past 11, so that’s the latest I’m willing to have to go get him and that’s the defacto curfew.</p>

<p>So my rambling answer to you is that no, you aren’t “coddling” him, you are being self-indulgent. You are putting your own need to be involved or look involved (your statement in the last paragraph seemed to imply that you think not awake at 1am=not involved, when you have no basis for making that connection and it doesn’t happen to be true; the two have nothing to do with each other) ahead of the needs of your son, who needs to know his parents trust him (he’s never given you any reason to not, right?) and who, at 18, needs to start self regulating.</p>

<p>At 18, he needs to manage his own schedule; if he leaves a social event early it should be becuase HE is tired, or HE knows he has to be up at a certain hour the next day, not because he is being made to be responsible for your need to stay up until he gets home.</p>

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<p>If I don’t have some compelling reason to go to sleep (e.g., early AM appointment or I’m just beat) I like to stay up. Both for my own mental health and so my kid knows I am paying attention. Its also an unusual opportunity for interaction (compared to the usual day-time thrash), and you never know when they might want to talk.</p>

<p>One question, tho. How can you possibly know he actually does not drink or get high?</p>

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<p>I think many families have your policy re curfews and waiting up til the kid is home. Others go to sleep (with or without worry). I had a hybrid: I told my S to call my cell phone if he would be late. That way, I could go to bed when tired and turn off the cell, but if I awoke at 3am worried, I could trun on my cell and check for a message from him to relieve my worry.</p>

<p>It worked 99% of the time - largely because he and his cohort of friends were just not night-owls/partiers and we don’t have much in the way of after hours clubs, etc. So he was usually home before midnight anyway. The one time he wasnt, which was his last night before taking off for college freshman year, he forgot to call and I was quite worried. He came home in one piece at 2 am. </p>

<p>So there is no perfect system and any system is ok.</p>

<p>postcript: if my 18 year old were routinely out past 1 am (and sometimes til 3 am), I would want to know doing what and where. Funnily, once he turned 19 1/2 and was home for the summer, I was no longer nearly so worried. So there’s some hope for parental relief from worry. At least for some of us.</p>

<p>hazmat - come back when you have kids; you may or may not feel differently. Most do.</p>

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<p>We used the “call the turned-off cell phone with a message if you’ll be late” method, and a variant of the “turn off the hall light” method: I requested that, regardless of the time, when S#1 arrived home he was to open my door a tad and lean in and say “good night” – somehow, even if I was totally asleep at the time, I registered his arrival and let go of any subconscious anxiety.</p>

<p>S#2 (who is driving but is not yet 18) has not yet earned enough confidence and trust to have the privilege of setting his own arrival time. I still wait up for him. (And call HIM if he’s more than 15 min. past curfew.)</p>

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<p>lealdragon, I think that you are right in this situation. First of all, if he just got his license, he’s an inexperienced driver. Driving when tired, or when there are more drunks on the road, is hard enough for an experienced driver.</p>

<p>Secondly, whose car is he driving? If he’s driving one of yours, or if you bought one for him, I think it’s reasonable to have some constraints. Who’s paying the insurance? Once again, if you are, then you bear the financial risk and should be able to have some input.</p>

<p>Finally, he’s still living at home and he’s still in HS. My son is a sophomore in college, and I don’t have any idea of what he’s up to. That’s as it should be. But when he’s home, driving one of our cars, I think it’s just common courtesy to keep reasonable hours. I think the times you’ve set are reasonable. I don’t know what kids are doing at 3:00 am that they couldn’t do at 11:00 or 12:00 pm, but it’s probably not good.</p>

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<p>FWIW, I think your limits are perfectly reasonable. Here’s a thread I started last year on the same topic: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=127050[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=127050&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>As senior year wore on (particularly in the summer before college), I became more flexible. There’s no way I can stay up, so my rule was “come in and wake me up when you get home”. If I woke up past curfew and she wasn’t home (my biologic clock is pretty accurate that way), she received a call from me. Usually she was on her way.</p>

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<p>My H. says I’m crazy, but I just can’t go to sleep if one of the kids is out. Therefore, I wait up until they are home safely. Yes, I might be in bed, with TV on low and even dozing–but not out for the night. Rationally, I know that my going to sleep won’t change anything. If they are going to be involved in a wreck, it will happen whether I am awake or asleep–but I can’t help it–I stay up.</p>

<p>This goes for mine, who are in college, when they are home on breaks. I know when they are at school, I have no idea when they are getting in, but it is different at home. </p>

<p>I also like being awake when teenagers come in because you do get to do the little good night hug and “sniff test” ;). Also, there have been many times that we have gotten into pretty serious discussions late at night after some occurrence that evening, that if left till morning might never have been brought up as the urgency would have passed.</p>

<p>All too soon our kids will be totally on their own, with their own homes and families–I don’t begrudge a little lost sleep for these late night interactions.</p>

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<p>lealdragon,
I had the same problem before my kids started college. I simply could not fall asleep until they were home and I knew they were safe. It was not a matter of not trusting them, I didn’t trust the other drivers or their inexperience. I imagine we all know some young driver that was killed or badly hurt during a moments lapse in judgement. I just couldn’t sleep knowing they were out. And if that’s the case with you then you have every right to put your foot down and insist that your child be home at the times you have set while he is in High School. I don’t really see what being 18 has to do with anything.</p>

<p>I happy to report that once they graduated high school, we did throw the curfews out the window and just requested an 11:00 report via cell phone. And somehow I’ve been able to sleep even if they aren’t home.</p>

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<p>One method some of my friends used, and which I plan to use, is to sleep in her bed until she gets home. That way, they slept while still holding the kid to curfew - they knew exactly when the kid got home.</p>

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<p>Wow, thanks for all the responses! I haven’t read them all yet but I will definitely consider all the points of view.</p>

<p>I will start with answering this:</p>

<p>"Its also an unusual opportunity for interaction (compared to the usual day-time thrash), and you never know when they might want to talk.</p>

<p>One question, tho. How can you possibly know he actually does not drink or get high?"</p>

<p>Because he does talk to me alot at night, so yes that is a factor. I cherish those late night talks. He opens up more at night and tells me what’s going on in his life. And because he talks to me, I know, for example, how he’s feeling upset that his former close friend now prefers to hang out with Jack Daniels and Mary Jane. He has a disdain for seeing his friends getting wasted. He thinks it’s despicable. He is very proud of being ‘in control of all his faculties’ and dislikes the idea of getting wasted not out of any morality but out of a dislike for not being in control. (I guess maybe he inherited his controlling nature from me?) No, this is not a coverup. My hubby and I were both major druggies. I’m talking the really bad stuff. Our son knows our past and thankfully seems to have learned from our mistakes. We’ve been very open with him about what we did when we were teens. Graphic detail! So now he has a clearer picture of how it’s not so cool after all. He prides himself on being straightedge and that is actually a movement started by punk rockers who wanted to rebel against their druggie rocker parents! (The band AFI, who my son likes, have popularized straightedge.) And, of course there is the obvious: Someone who used to get high every day can tell when someone else is high. It’s quite obvious.</p>

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<p>It’s really more of a safety issue. He is an only child and we have excellent communication. He does always call me to let me know he’s on his way home, and I really appreciate that, since I know so many kids won’t do that. So communication is not the problem. He is considerate and gives me the courtesy of knowing where he is and when he’ll be home. I’m just trying to figure out if I am being unreasonable to expect him home at a time that is early enough for me to wait up for him and still get a good night’s sleep. The fact that we live in a big city is definitely a factor. I grew up in a small town. If we lived in a small town I think I probably wouldn’t mind him coming home after I’m asleep. I also wouldn’t worry so much if he had someone with him. It’s the driving across town in a large city by himself that I have a problem with. I’m really just worried about his safety and sleep better knowing that he’s home safe.</p>

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<p>I think you’re entirely reasonable. Either my wife or I stayed up until our D came home. I have a hard time sleeping if they’re out. I also won’t let my D stay out that late unless it’s some special event. The freeways and roads are filled with drunk drivers at 1am on weekends and I don’t want my D on the roads then. Any time after 11pm is crossing into the heavy drunk driver timeframe. Ask a cop - they’ll confirm it.</p>

<p>Now that my youngest D (17) is away at college she can stay out late if that’s what she wants and I wouldn’t know. When she comes back home for visits though, it’ll be back to coming home when I say - it’s “my house”. I’ve already explained this to her and I think she understands.</p>

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<p>“seemed to imply that you think not awake at 1am=not involved, when you have no basis for making that connection”</p>

<p>Sorry if that sounded judgmental. It was not intended to imply that parents who don’t wait up are not involved! Actually if you read what I said, I said that some of these parents who don’t wait up are ALSO not very involved - that is not the same as saying they aren’t involved because they don’t wait up! I happen to know they aren’t involved for other reasons - for example a couple of these kids have spent the night at our house (without calling home) and the parents didn’t even seem to notice that they never came home that night. One parent kicked her son out of the house (for what, I’m not sure) and is an alcoholic. Not exactly stable families. Another parent I know doesn’t even know how many classes her son is taking, not because he doesn’t tell her, but because she doesn’t seem interested. Again, not to put a judgment on these parents, but not all parents are like the parents on this forum. Just the fact that we are here, discussing our kids’ educations, shows that we are involved parents.</p>

<p>Which is precisely why I am seeking the advice of parents with lifestyles and values more similar to mine, rather than from the parents who don’t care that their kid stays out all night without calling. I value your opinions more than theirs!</p>

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<p>lealdragon - During my son’s senior year, we had curfews similar to yours.
He was in high school, and had to be up at 6:30 to go to school, so 11:30 weeknights seemed like the latest he could be out and still get a reasonable night sleep. Most weeknights he was home anyway, but during drama productions or other school activities that ran late he would be out, and the rule was there because we felt he needed the rest.
Weekends, we were more flexible, but still wanted a phone call if he was going to be later than midnight and an idea of when to expect him home.
We’d go to bed with the hall light on, and ask him to say “goodnight” when he got home. During special events - proms and late night senior activities, we asked him to call if later than “around 1:00am.”<br>
We never minded getting a phone call, asleep or not. </p>

<p>I think parents have the right to establish whatever curfews and rules work for them, for whatever reason. I don’t think I’d worry about what the other parents are doing, (your son’s comments) or worry that he might not feel trusted. The fact that he has car access late at night to go where he pleases with his friends shows that he’s trusted.
All you’re asking for is a little consideration during this last year while he is still at home. It’s not too much to ask, imo.</p>

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<p>“I think that you are right in this situation. First of all, if he just got his license, he’s an inexperienced driver. Driving when tired, or when there are more drunks on the road, is hard enough for an experienced driver.”</p>

<p>That’s exactly what my husband says. He supports me on this (for now) mainly because our son is a new driver. It really is a safety issue more than a trust or ‘controlling’ issue. If he weren’t on the highways of a large city, I know I would feel differently. </p>

<p>His very first night out, he had a flat tire! It was quite an initiation for him because he had to change the tire. His first night out! Luckily he saw it was flat when he was leaving a friend’s house, so he didn’t have to change it on the side of the road. Again, big city concerns about being in a vulnerable position.</p>

<p>“…whose car is he driving? If he’s driving one of yours, or if you bought one for him, I think it’s reasonable to have some constraints. Who’s paying the insurance?”</p>

<p>He is driving my car but he pays the extra insurance.</p>

<p>“the rule was there because we felt he needed the rest…”</p>

<p>Thanks for the reassurance! Now I don’t feel so alone. I’m having a hard time evaluating whether I’m being overprotective (which I’ve been accused of being before) so it really helps to get other parents’ perspectives. </p>

<p>‘Getting enough rest’ is definitely an issue. He has proven very responsible on just about everything EXCEPT getting enough sleep. He’s getting better at it, but still rarely ever goes to bed before 2 am, and it’s usually more like 3 am and sometimes even later. He attends the cc twice a week (homeschooled dual credit) so on those days he has to get up at 7:30. Other days he usually can sleep til 9 or 10 except when he works, which might mean getting up at 7 or 8. So generally he gets 7-8 hours sleep about half the time, and the other half might only get about 5 hours. Which is clearly not enough, because I have to make sure he’s up on school days.</p>

<p>He says that he should be able to manage his own sleep. True. But so far he hasn’t. When he complains, I tell him that when he is mature enough to get enough sleep on a regular basis and is therefore able to wake up with the alarm on his own, then I will grant him more freedom. He has made some progress on this but still has a ways to go. My husband gets mad at me for waking him up when I see that he shut off the alarm and went back to sleep. He says I am coddling him. Maybe I am. I don’t want him to lose his job (which is an awesome job) over it. I had a hard time waking up too and my mom used to help me when I was in high school, and I remember appreciating it.</p>

<p>But, it’s obvious that if he’d get enough sleep consistently, he’d be able to get up on his own more easily. Rather than let him take the fall and lose his job or miss a test over it, I just recently told him that if he does not start getting enough sleep (and get up on his own) then he will lose his car privileges. An added validation of this is that we don’t want him driving if he hasn’t had enough sleep, any more than we’d want him driving if he’s been drinking. Lack of sleep can impair driving. Finally, an explanation that he understands. </p>

<p>“…The fact that he has car access late at night to go where he pleases with his friends shows that he’s trusted…”</p>

<p>Good point!</p>

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<p>I didn’t have a curfew with my kids. It became an issue with me worrying when my daughter was 16 (almost 17) – I wanted her to call me, she would forget and she didn’t understand why, if I was worried, I didn’t just call her. So that’s how it ended up – she had her cell phone on & with her, all the time, day or night, and it was always ok for me to call. I got over my anxiety after awhile; partly its just getting used to a different pattern. </p>

<p>I am always worried when my kids are out driving anywhere, but I’ve just had to get over it. </p>

<p>I mean, it’s silly, but now my daughter is at college and if I talk to her and she is out late at night, I always ask her to call me when she gets back to her dorm room to let me know she’s arrived safely… but I can easily go days without talking to her and I have no clue what time she is getting to her room on those nights. If I don’t know, it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t occur to me to worry… but if I do know… then I start to worry, so I ask her to call. </p>

<p>I have sleep problems too (obviously, from my posting habits), but I don’t care what time the kids call. Actually, I don’t have a problem falling asleep after I get a phone call… though sometimes I have a hard time remembering whether I got the call. Alternatively, if its going to be really late, I ask my d. to send a text message – my cell phone has distinctive beep when a text message comes through, so I hear that but usually don’t bother to check it, since I know that it just the expected report.</p>