Requesting Advice: Am I being Overprotective?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Re: Waking himself up, my son and I were having issues about this. H took S out shopping and they found an alarm clock that he could program to play any track on any CD to wake up to and also set the volume. It is across the room from his bed (he also sleeps in top bunk) so he has to get up to turn it off. He loves waking up to his favorite music and he is wider awake sooner than he was when I woke him up (important bec. he drives himself to school). He also is a night owl, but only on WEs because he likes getting 8 hrs. of sleep. And he usually is at home when he’s staying up late.</p>

<p>No I don’t think you’re being over-protective. Every family needs to make rules that work for them. Just wanted to share the waking up idea. It’s taken a stressor out of our mornings that I didn’t realize was there until it was gone.</p>

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<p>Teenagers driving are always a big concern for the parents, because there are not the only ones on the road, and they still are learning defensive driving skills.
My kids never went out until late on weekdays, except for school-sponsored events, so I really didn’t have a curfew for that. Weekends where different, we used to have a curfew depending on how old they were. My S is now at college, and he does the same routine, Fridays and Saturdays nights he goes to bed by the time I wake up at home, but on weekdays, he is always in his dorm at ten. With my D, the one who sets the curfews is my H, but I have to stay awake to pick her up (she doesn’t drive yet). We have set the rule that if she is out of the house, her cell phone has to be on the whole time, and if she is late, she has to call. She broke out the rule once and she had a wonderful weekend with mommy and daddy, since then, her phone is on and she is never late. The only problem we had with the curfew was that worked only if she was out of the house, so she used to come home well before the set time was over, and stayed with her boyfriend until dawn. I don’t know what is worst.</p>

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<p>

I have one thought about explaining the reasons behind family rules. I have evolved into the situation where I will explain once, maybe twice. After that, it’s just my rule. I find that if the kids are still asking “Why?” then they don’t really want a logical explanation, they just want to argue. So, for example, I wouldn’t dwell on the idea that having your son out late makes it difficult for you to sleep. He’s probably well aware of that. At this point, it’s just the way it is, and there should be consequences if he disregards the rules.</p>

<p>Some parents choose to give kids a lot of freedom, thinking that they will have to think for themselves once they are in college. That doesn’t work for me – they’ll figure things out in college in any case. Everyone has to learn to live with rules, from employers, professors, police or whatever. Who ever said that kids should be able to do whatever they want? They should have to follow rules just the same way that we parents have to follow rules!</p>

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<p>Fascinating topic! My son is 15 & just started staying out until 12-12:30 on weekend nights (at friend’s home w/in walking distance).</p>

<p>I also wondered what to do re: the staying awake thing! My concern: I’d fall asleep, then wake up at 4 a.m. & son would not be there & was in some trouble that I could have helped w/earlier.</p>

<p>What I’ve done: I set an alarm for when he says he’ll be home (say, 12). When it goes off, I check in his room–if he’s not there, I call cell phone & we discuss possible reasons for delay, when he’ll be coming home.</p>

<p>I really like the ‘turn off the hall light’ idea, too!</p>

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<p>I am a waiter, myself, although have been known to doze too. But it is a fitful doze, until he’s in the house.</p>

<p>It’s the driving thing that has me spooked, and it would be less of an issue if the kids around here stayed put in town, but they don’t. They like to be in the city, and driving back and forth at night makes me anxious too.</p>

<p>It’s a fine line about overprotectiveness though, and I try like the dickens not to cross over into it, because I hate mollycoddled kids jsut as much as the ones who roam free, rule-less.</p>

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<p>Overprotective is not letting them go out at all, or not letting them go downtown, and being a mom or dad by its very nature is to be concerned</p>

<p>My D has a friend, a good student, etc, who has to be home by 11pm weekend nights, her mom still calls my house after three years, sure, se is over protecitve, but her daughter is out, is having fun, in driving, etc.</p>

<p>I know kids whose parents aren’t there for them and it is so sad. My Ds tell me about those kids who kind of wander around, with no one “checking” into what they are doing</p>

<p>If you were over protective, you would not let him out past 10pm…</p>

<p>My D asked me a while ago what her curfew was…I told her she didn’t have one, BUT, that each time she went out, she needed to give me a clue as to what she ws doing, and about what time she expected to be home…often she was home earlier, or she would call and say she wanted to stay out a bit longer…it works well for us…they learned that the more contact with the parental units, the more freedom they actually had…</p>

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<p>My parents weret he opposites on this. My mother stayed up, and she was a morning person, so she was groggy the whole next day. (She just wanted to know that I had made it home safely, not checking up on me.) Apparently, that was the reason, because she and Dad discussed it, and Dad went to sleep. He said that his staying up wouldn’t stop anything bad from happening, anyway. And no news was good news. So, I knew to call in an emergency. I stay up when I can because I am not too tired. When I can’t open my eyes, because I am too tired, I rely on D’s good sense. In that way, I have become both my parents.</p>

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<p>CGM, that is the way we handled “curfews”. None of the kids ever had a set time. The time they were expected in on a given evening was discussed before they went out and was dependent on the activity, obligations the next day, who they were with, etc. If things changed during the evening, then they called.</p>

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<p>We don’t have set curfews either…each evening and event calls for something different.</p>

<p>For general “hanging with friends”, I think 11:30 is plenty late enough. For more special occasions, the time is later, but we don’t ever call it a “curfew” per se.</p>

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<p>As a single mom it would have been just me to wait up and with 5 kiddos all being teenagers at the same time I would have been more sleep deprived than I already was! Like Calmom we had/have no curfews and they get in when they get in. But the flip side of that coin is with one family vehicle I was the only driver. That has changed recently when (as in 3 months) the older ones have slowly each begun getting their licenses. Oldest 22, has hers and older bro 21 just got his. But I am still the primary driver.</p>

<p>When they buy their own cars they can drive them as they see fit. But if they are living in my house, my rules. Having been a poster here on CC for years many posts/topics from other posters span the range between over-protective and over-permissive, with most in the middle. But I have always be consistent with kiddo #1-#5 and if they don’t like it, THEY DON’T LIKE IT.</p>

<p>My house, my rules. Some things are not up for discussion. If they are going someplace they need a curfew for then they don’t need to go. Although the bunch of them have said going away to college and living with THOSE rules is harder than being home. Since they made up most of the “house rules” to begin with, they had a much easier time adjusting to rules at home vs. rules at college.</p>

<p>Over-protective mom?? Nah, just think of the mommy tiger and her cubs!</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>I have a different addition to the mix
My daughter didn’t have a car- so when she was out with friends- she would take the bus home- this meant she was transferring in what could be at that time of night( or even during the day)- not a great neighborhood.
So when she was home for breaks- even after she was 21- I would ask that she try and be home by midnight or so.
Usually she would- if she was going to be later she would call and let me know she got a ride or she was going to stay overnight- she would also call me when she got on the bus- which helped a lot- cause i am another who likes to know where they are- I also stay awake in case I have to go pick up someone</p>

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<p>I feel you are being appropriate, especially if he is still in high school (which I assume to be the case). </p>

<p>When I was in high school, my curfew was pretty early during the week (probably 10:30 or 11pm…depending on where I was working as the mall closed late) and still pretty early on the weekends. I believe midnite was the norm (later for school dances and the likes). I personally don’t know what a high schooler is doing that late anyway. Everything is closed, if he is into gaming, then why doesn’t he just stay over at the friends house? Do you have an issue with him staying the night at friend’s places on weekend nights?</p>

<p>My parents to this day keep the light on in the hallway if one (or more) of us kids are staying over. My mom also has boughts of insomnia, but has gotten used to the kids (particularly my brother and sister) getting home after 2am.</p>

<p>Give it time, if you kid is a good kid like you describe, let him go slowly. You can’t be worrying about him day and night when he is off at college. But I do understand it’s different when they are actually under your roof.</p>

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<p>Wow, I am just soooo appreciative of everyone’s comments! It’s nice to get all these different perspectives.</p>

<p>While a few people thought I was over-protective or even self-induglent (!) a lot more have been very reassuring. It appears that there is a wide range as to what is considered ‘normal’ and I feel much, much better knowing that I am within the range of reasonable!</p>

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<p>“I believe midnite was the norm (later for school dances and the likes). I personally don’t know what a high schooler is doing that late anyway. Everything is closed, if he is into gaming, then why doesn’t he just stay over at the friends house? Do you have an issue with him staying the night at friend’s places on weekend nights?”</p>

<p>I had very strict parents and they let me start dating in 9th grade, at which time I could stay out til 1 on weekends. (You might wonder what they were strict about. Um, trust me, they were strict on other things.) So that seems normal to me. And that was in a small town where you didn’t have to factor in a half hour for driving home.</p>

<p>Someone posted that the issue is the driving. That is really the main thing for me. It’s the being on the highway late, alone, that bothers me. As far as what he does: he’ll pick up his date, take her to a movie, maybe get something to eat, take her home. Um…that’s usually it! (Contrast that with his partying friends who drive around aimlessly looking for a place to get wasted!)</p>

<p>Thankfully, the current girls he’s dating are 10 minutes and 20 minutes away, respectively. His last girlfriend was across town - 40 minutes away - but that was before he was driving so I had to chauffeur. (I kept that to once a week!)</p>

<p>No, I have no issue with him staying overnight and he does occasionally do that. As for what’s open, mostly the movies and eating places.</p>

<hr>

<p>Interesting tidbit:</p>

<p>Sunday night he went to a special computer sales training for his job. It was at a theatre about 25 minutes away. After the training, the computer company treated the employees to a movie, which ended at around midnight. So of course I made an exception and just asked him to come straight home afterward. </p>

<p>Well, right at midnight, as I was about to step into the shower, and my hubby was already asleep, and s called to say he’d locked his keys in the car!</p>

<p>I couldn’t very well get upset - EVERYONE locks their keys in their car at least once in their lifetime! In fact, we just gave him his own keys 2 weeks ago and had intended to give him a spare set to keep in his wallet as backup, but just hadn’t gotten around to it. (Needless to say, the very next day he had his extra set of keys.)</p>

<p>Anyway, it’s things like that…that is the reason I would never, ever turn my phone off. I may get to the point where I’ll go to sleep, but I want my son to always be able to reach me. The same is true for any family member.</p>

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<p>Thanks so much! I feel sooo much better! This morning he was having a hard time waking up, and I told him that he needed to consistently get more sleep if he wanted to keep his car privileges. THAT got him out of bed! And I suspect he’ll start getting home on time, now that he knows I am no longer wishy-washy about it, now that all my cc friends have helped me get some clarity!</p>

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<p>To be clear Leal, I don’t think it’s self indulgent to set a curfew and make him stick to it, and if it’s important to you to be awake at night then if you want to set his curfew at your latest preferable bedtime then that’s your perogative as the mom and as the (I presume) owner of the car. </p>

<p>You did not come on this forum asking if you were being overprotective by setting a curfew and expecting your son to abide by your rules, you asked whether it was reasonable for him to be considerate of your sleep needs, without you saying you had set an explicit curfew. </p>

<p>I have a real problem with the second approach, because it does seem to be unnecessarily controlling. </p>

<p>I went back to page 1 and here’s what I saw:</p>

<p>I want him home by 11:30 on weeknights and 1:00 on weekends. He often ends up getting home about a half-hour to an hour after my requested time. (At least he does call to let me know.) I don’t have to go to work early in the morning but I do need to get to bed by around midnight, because I’ve had problems with insomnia and if I stay up past 1:00 then I tend to not go to sleep til 3 or 4! Right now I’m not getting enough sleep and he’s says it’s my fault for insisting on staying up.</p>

<p>So my question is how was “I want him home at” presented to him? Was it “Unless there’s something really special and a compelling reason for you to be out past 11:30/1am I expect you to be home by then, and if you are not home by then consequences will be xxx.” Or is it “I want you home because you know how I worry and I can’t get to sleep until I know you are home safe.” </p>

<p>The first approach is perfectly OK in my book; the second approach not so much because it makes him responsible for something that IS your problem (getting enough sleep) and doesn’t set any clear consequences for noncompliance.</p>

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<p>Well thanks for clarifying your point.</p>

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<p>Regarding curfews, my daughter tried coming in past curfew only twice. The first time, she was maybe 10 minutes late. The next time she went out, she was about 20 minutes late (18 to be exact!). As always, she came into my bedroom and spent a few minutes telling me about her night. After a few minutes of chat, I casually mentioned, “Oh, you were a little late tonight.” to which she responded, “yeah, just a little, no biggie.” I said, 'You’re right, sweetie, 18 minutes isn’t really a big deal one way OR the other. So, next time, you won’t mind that you have to be in 18 minutes before your usual curfew, right?" This was all done in a loving tone by both of us. She had to smile because she knew she’d been outsmarted. Darn if I didn’t stick to my guns the next time she went out. From then on, she knew if she didn’t want a big deal made of “a few minutes”, it was going to go both ways and she would have to pay it back. She’s in college now and still laughs with her friends about that one.</p>

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<p>My son usually was great with his curfew; when it was 11:30 at the age of 16, he would walk in the door at 11:29 and several seconds before 11:30. It was so funny to hear the garage open, look at out clock and see it was almost 11:30! We also subtracted the minutes late to the next evening out curfew, but if the kids called us at least a half hour before they were due home to ask if they could stay out later, we usually gove them the OK. Usually they were at a friends house nearby watching a movie that they started later than they should have to get the kids home for curfew. Most of their close friends had similar times to be in, but several did not have a set curfew. Luckly, in our state the kids under 18 can not drive after midnight, so that solved many late night issues. Of course, there were also many parents that didn’t care if their kids drove after midnight, but my kids all had friends that the parents when with the state law.</p>

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<p>We also have the midnight driving curfew, and I’m thrilled that my d won’t turn 18 until she’s already in college! But I’m very lucky - she has abided by the midnight standard. She’s usually at least 5 minutes early.</p>

<p>I’ve always been loathe to enforce curfews too strictly, as I’ve heard enough stories about kids, who were speeding to get home before curfew, crashing and dying. I’d rather she be late than “late”. And I’ve told her as much. </p>

<p>That’s why I’ve on occasion slept in her bed until she got home.</p>