Research indicates happiness is relationships, personal growth not wealth, fame

Parent Cafe
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<p>"Wealth, fame and good looks may be a formula for anxiety rather than happiness, a new study suggests.</p>

<p>Psychologists at the University of Rochester evaluated survey responses from 147 recent graduates, noting their achievements and their level of happiness over a period of two years. People’s goals were divided into two categories: extrinsic (things like wealth, fame and personal image) and intrinsic (for example, meaningful relationships, health and personal growth). Achieving intrinsic goals led to higher self-esteem and a greater sense of well-being, the researchers statistical analysis revealed. But, in a snub for the American dream, attaining the extrinsic goals of wealth and fame led to anxiety and unhappiness.</p>

<p>The more people achieve their extrinsic goals, the more “they tend to feel like pawns, like they’re on a treadmill running forever and they’re not really in charge of themselves,” Edward Deci, a co-author of the study, told LiveScience. “They miss out on the things that are important,” he said…"</p>

<p>[Key</a> to happiness? It’s not money or looks - Behavior- msnbc.com](<a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31067143/]Key”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31067143/)</p>

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<p>Probably because so much of the extrinsic category is dependent on factors that are outside the individual’s control.</p>

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<p>Most kids two years out of college don’t have wealth and fame.</p>

<p>I’d be more interested in what people revealed after raising families.</p>

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<p>After raising families, people value families. While raising families, people value peace and quiet and a little breathing room. Or, as my D’s used to say when they were little, “Mom just wants a little piece of quiet.”</p>

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<p>Well, money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy lots of things that contribute mightily to happiness.</p>

<p>As the current financial downturn is making vividly clear, money contributes to happiness mostly in the negative; the lack of it brings much more unhappiness than possessing it brings happiness. (Good health is the same way – it’s easy to take money or health for granted until you don’t have it anymore.) People’s biggest worries include financial anxiety, health concerns, job insecurity, and having to do tiring and boring chores. Spent right, money can go a long way to relieving these problems. </p>

<p>– The Happiness Project</p>

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<p>One of folks biggest worries is having food & shelter–once that is resolved, they can consider other concerns, including health, jobs, etc. Without the food & shelter, not much makes sense and there are increased mental health problems as well.</p>

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<p>^^^^maslow’s hierarchy of needs
[Hierarchy</a> of Needs - Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs](<a href=“http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm]Hierarchy”>Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs)</p>

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<p>“I’d be more interested in what people revealed after raising families.”</p>

<p>I’l bite. I feel that the poster woman for the story.
When I was younger, I thought that money, fame and looks would bring happiness. I got a measure of success that led to a nice salary and some public recognition. I was not happy. What I really missed was having a group of close friends, something that it was hard for me to develop because of a lack of time and because many people wanted to be my friend because of my career success, not because of really liking me.</p>

<p>Now, I have a large group of friends, pursue activities that allow me to learn new things and develop new, interesting skills and talents. I feel lucky to have reasonably good health. We don’t have the income that we had when I was devoting myself to career success, but I’m much happier and much more fulfilled.</p>

<p>I have always had my basic needs met – food, shelter and health insurance. If I had devoted more of my life to making friends, etc., and less to climbing the career ladder, I’d have had a more fulfilled, happier life in general.</p>

<p>“People’s biggest worries include financial anxiety, health concerns, job insecurity, and having to do tiring and boring chores.”</p>

<p>Due to the economy, I recently stopped having a lawn service, something that H and I had had for more than 25 years. To my surprise, I’m finding a great deal of pleasure and fulfillment in doing the lawn maintainence duties that I had been avoiding.</p>

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<p>Maybe things are different between men and women.</p>

<p>I’ve always been intrinsically happy, weather poor or well-off.</p>

<p>But when we were raising young kids, there were many stressors. One was the recession back in the 80s and 90s where we were severely upside-down on our mortgage. We technically could have been foreclosed on. Our neighbors getting their houses auctioned off, divorces due to the economy, concerns about crime, etc.</p>

<p>We improved our financial picture through the stock market and paid off all debts before the turn of the century. We still don’t spend that much on things but it is nice not having to worry about paying a mortgage or paying for car repairs or paying for college tuition. The lack of worries and anxieties make overall life more pleasant. Even for someone that is generally happy by nature.</p>

<p>I never had the problem with lack of friends. If you are naturally happy, you attract people!</p>

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<p>“I never had the problem with lack of friends. If you are naturally happy, you attract people!”</p>

<p>Interesting. Am I correct in thinking you’re male? What I’ve noticed is that except for their wives and significant others, most men seem to have no friends. They may have buddies that they play and watch sports with, but they don’t have male friends whom they can really talk to about personal things that they care about. I was just talking today about this with one of my male friends. He said that there’s a new TV show, “Bromance” about this.</p>

<p>When it comes to women, I think many women had the experience that I had. Between my job, caring for my kids, being with my husband, volunteering in my kids’ schools, and even helping out with my aging mom, I didn’t have much time to cultivate friendships. There were plenty of people whom I was friendly with, but that wasn’t the same as having close friends whom I saw and talked to regularly in a private way (which means not during a PTO meeting or a work lunch). The place where I spent the most time – work – also didn’t have a lot of women in it (I was in a college department where women were in the minority, and the other women had no kids).</p>

<p>It may be also that having and finding close friends is easier for women who stayed in one place after their kids were born, so didn’t have to deal with the stress of handling a new job and new city with young kids.</p>

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<p>Remember to not equate relationships with family life. Also, look at the introversion/extroversion personality traits. Most people are extroverted and thrive with more social contact than introverts who need “down time” away from others. Happiness will equate with relationships for most, and personal growth would fit the rest as well. We all tend to see the world through our own personalities, I finally realized that some college friends were entirely happy in their social situations that I would never have liked. A sense of belonging, ie having satisfactory relationships, does make sense for being happy. I could go on and on- thanks for the topic.</p>

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<p>“Between my job, caring for my kids, being with my husband, volunteering in my kids’ schools, and even helping out with my aging mom, I didn’t have much time to cultivate friendships.”</p>

<p>Our lives are composed of the time we have and how we allocate it. Most people can trade money for time assuming that they have a free source of it. It’s not clear from the OP as to whether time (work) was needed to generate wealth or if wealth was assumed. The latter would provide time for money in addition to having the choice as to whether or not to work and that can make the difference in whether work is fun or not. I enjoy my job but it is comforting to know that I could take a few years off and live off of savings even though I feel that I would be less happy not working for an extended period of time.</p>

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<p>Great posts, Northstarmom, something to think about.</p>

<p>I do think as women we can get so caught up in our responsibilities that we don’t take (0r have) the time to nurture our friendships. Men don’t expect their men friends to send cards, remember b-days, or even return calls!! Years can go by and they can decide to call a buddy for golf and they feel no need to explain their absence - we, on the other hand, think we need to apologize and explain before we go back to being friends.</p>

<p>I really believe as I get older that it is so important for me to make sure I don’t put my friends on the back burner as I care for the needs of my immediate family.</p>

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<p>I have friends who are currently very stressed out with their lack of wealth so I may be biased. </p>

<p>One of them had her family income cut from $60,000 to $30,000. Her husband was almost laid off last year and count himself lucky to be the last 4 of the employee left. He worked there since he was 14. My friend told me they were just informed there will be a 20%. She is trying to grow food in her backyard. </p>

<p>Another friend just got her disability approved, that will enable her to get off welfare and perhaps start paying proper rent to her mom, whose house she is living in. </p>

<p>Another friend almost had her house foreclosed on, but thank goodness her husband’s disability came through. She now at least have a roof over her head. </p>

<p>All these friends are in their 40s and 50s. They also have plenty of friends. I can assure you they are very very stressed and sad. The friend whose husband’s income just got cut: she went from a superbly well read, compassionate person to someone paranoid and bitter in the space of 1 year. </p>

<p>All these were college graduates by the way, one common thread may have been they never attached a lot of importance to financial security. The second friend who just got off welfare was a former childcare worker. She loved young children. Unfortunately that job pay very badly. Once she said she wondered if her mom was disappointed in her, paying for all that college and now that in she is in her 40s, and mom in her 70s, she needed financial help from mom (who can barely afford it by the sound of it).</p>

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<p>I think it depends on how you define wealth. Around here, housing costs are high, and you need to make a certain amount to have a decent place to live, reasonable used car, and pay for other monthly expenses. I’m not talking about lawn/maid service - more like food and a movie once in a while. Those who are scraping by are going into debt - a good recipe for depression and anxiety.
So, I don’t think anyone is arguing that you need to be rich to be happy. And I guess some folks have a different idea of what constitutes necessities. But I am seeing such pain and anxiety due to job loss and debt. Having a good circle of buddies is great but it’s not enough. This is a really tough time.
Personally, I have just a few close friends but I’m happy with that. And I also think it’s OK to devote time to your immediate family. Why not spend time with your spouse for example? I see so many couples who have serious trouble after the kids leave the roost, cause they don’t know how to enjoy each others company. It takes compromise and patience - and time together helps build the relationship rather than always being surrounded by a crowd. If you can’t look forward to a weekend alone with your spouse, something’s not right.</p>

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<p>" It’s not clear from the OP as to whether time (work) was needed to generate wealth or if wealth was assumed. The latter would provide time for money in addition to having the choice as to whether or not to work and that can make the difference in whether work is fun or not. I enjoy my job but it is comforting to know that I could take a few years off and live off of savings even though I feel that I would be less happy not working for an extended period of time."</p>

<p>In my case, I worked because I liked to work. I was a college professor on tenure track, and I was at a university at which professors had to teach more courses per semester than they do at many other universities. I also had the good fortune to get a fellowship that allowed me to travel around the world while still working as a university professor. </p>

<p>In becoming a college prof, I already had taken myself out of a Fortune 500 job in which I was slated to have become an assistant VP of the corporation. That job would have required lots of travel and would have allowed me no life --not even a family life – so I had opted for a different type of employment at a much lower level of compensation.</p>

<p>Work, family, fellowship were the components of my life. I loved all of those components, but I due to the lack of women in my workplace and the fact that I was in a new city, I didn’t have an opportunity to make close female friends until years later after I didn’t get tenure. After not finding employment, I became active in a variety of community activities where I was able to meet women who became close friends.</p>

<p>" I have friends who are currently very stressed out with their lack of wealth so I may be biased. </p>

<p>One of them had her family income cut from $60,000 to $30,000. Her husband was almost laid off last year and count himself lucky to be the last 4 of the employee left. He worked there since he was 14. My friend told me they were just informed there will be a 20%. She is trying to grow food in her backyard. "</p>

<p>I wouldn’t call those examples a “lack of wealth”. Those people lack the money to provide food and shelter. I don’t think that’s what the article was referring to.</p>

<p>I think the article was referring to people who may have 3 BMWs, a large sailboat, a 5,000 square foot house and a vacation summer home for 3-person family. To pay for all of those material things, the parents may be each working 60 hours a week in high stress, high prestige jobs that they don’t enjoy. They may not have time and energy for friends, they may be neglecting their health, and they may not be happy. They also may have high credit card debt because they tried to buy happiness.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, who may be happy is the 3-person, 1-car family living in a 1,200 square foot house that they’re paying for with jobs that they work 40 hours a week, leaving them plenty of time to enjoy friends and good health. I know people like this who seem to get more enjoyment out of things like weekly potlucks and occasional camping trips with family/friends than higher paid people get on their luxury vacations.</p>

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<p>Oh, I’m all for spending time with my immediate family, and my DH is really my best buddy, I would say that if anything we probably spend too much time together. We have similar jobs and interests and share some professional projects. As I watch my folks age, I wish my parents had more friends, couples and individuals. They are a little lonely and are happiest when I come to visit - nothing wrong with that - but sometimes I would like to arrange some play groups for them. Anyway - off track here & way too self absorbed!</p>

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<p>"But I am seeing such pain and anxiety due to job loss and debt. Having a good circle of buddies is great but it’s not enough. This is a really tough time. "</p>

<p>Job loss is one of the worst stressors that anyone can have. About the only other things that cause more stress are things like the death of a child or spouse.</p>

<p>Having friends can be, however, a great comfort and support during the rough times.</p>

<p>I have a friend who this year has lost a job and recently almost lost her life in a serious car accident. She has major financial problems due to the job and accident. Understandably, she’s battling depression. However, her having a very large, supportive circle of friends is making things much easier on her than it would be if she were going through this with no emotional and other help from friends.</p>

<p>“Remember to not equate relationships with family life.”</p>

<p>I think that for most people having friends in addition to one’s family members is important, and is something that particularly men may not realize the importance of.</p>

<p>The exception may be for people whose friendships are mainly with people in their large extended families. That probably provides a similar support system to what people get who have large circles of friends.</p>

<p>If one’s only close relationships are one’s nuclear family, it may be difficult to get the emotional and other support one might need if, for instance, one loses a job or has health problems. That’s because one’s problems also will e directly affecting the people who are one’s main source of support. They may not be able to provide much support themselves because they, too, will be in need of emotional and other support.</p>

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<p>“I think the article was referring to people who may have 3 BMWs, a large sailboat, a 5,000 square foot house and a vacation summer home for 3-person family.”</p>

<p>Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought the survey was of kids two years out of college.</p>

<p>I don’t know any kids two years out of college with those kinds of assets.</p>

<p>“To pay for all of those material things, the parents may be each working 60 hours a week in high stress, high prestige jobs that they don’t enjoy. They may not have time and energy for friends, they may be neglecting their health, and they may not be happy. They also may have high credit card debt because they tried to buy happiness.”</p>

<p>I don’t know if this is really wealth. The family may have high-income and no wealth.</p>

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<p>Yeah…forget the high income nonsense…I’ll take the wealth.
To me, wealth means choices. It doesn’t mean buying a boat or fancy car. It means not worrying constantly about losing my job. I know a lad who works 60 hours a week…not cause he likes it…but because he doesn’t want to risk getting fired. He has terrible and demanding boss but there’s not many places to move in this job market. Things are kind of weird right now…</p>