Resenting Your Child for the Cost of Attendance

Parents Forum
1

Hi! I am not a parent, but I felt I had to post this in the parents Forum to get an appropriate response.

I am currently a freshman at Cornell University. The majority of my family has attended or worked there, so I had always planned to attend. My parents were very happy when I got in and, although I got accepted to other good schools, there was never a discussion about where I would end up after I got my decisions back.

The only problem is the financial aid. My parents are middle class and we have always been well-off and enjoy luxuries many families don’t. But they fall into the category of making too much for any substantial financial aid and too little to be able to easily cover the cost of attendance. My parents would rather I had gone to Cornell than any other school, though, and so here I am.

I’m not entirely sure of their financial situation at this point because they don’t really discuss it with me, but they always mention the things they’ve had to give up in order to send me to college. I am really appreciative of them cutting back on some of the luxuries they’ve worked hard to achieve for themselves, but my biggest fear is them resenting me.

I feel a ton of pressure now to graduate with a high-paying job in a high-paying major. I currently have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, but I feel like if I don’t make back all the money that they’ve spent, then the money was wasted. I feel like I need to make the most of my time here and really get the quality of education my parents are paying for. I have a work-study job, but I only make so much.

I know my parents are happy I’m at Cornell, and I know that every time they vocalize their blame for me they’re doing so subconsciously, but I really want to know that they don’t actually resent me or feel that I am not worth all this money. I am their only child, so I feel a ton of pressure to succeed and make their hard work and sacrifices worth it. Have any of you, as parents, been through a similar situation and can give me some insight as to how my parents may feel?

2

Seems like if you get no aid at Cornell, your parents are very high income, and since they wanted you to go to Cornell, they certainly are able and willing to pay for it. Unless they are the ones putting the pressure on you to get a high paying job, it seems odd to be worrying about it.

3

All parents have to give up things to pay the college bills…unless they are independently wealthy, or have sizable savings for college.

Your parents are happy you are where you are. You like the college as well.

Just do your best, and it will all work out.

4

Have you ever done something that you didn’t personally enjoy but you knew was a good idea? Taking medicine, doing your homework, working out when you don’t feel like it, or doing chores? You may have vented a little about how tired you were, how stressed you felt, how inconvenient it was, etc. but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t value the end result. You may not enjoy doing homework but you liked getting good grades. You may not like taking medicine or exercising but you like feeling healthy.

Think of it as kind of like that. No one likes making financial sacrifices and no one likes paying bills, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t value the thing that they’re spending money on (a college education at Cornell, a school that clearly means a lot to your family) or that they aren’t happy with you personally.

So I wouldn’t take your parents grousing as a reflection on you; they’re just venting the same way you might vent after a hard midterm or an all-nighter working on a project.

5

I went to college like you are, squeezing every dime, not wanting to ask for my rent money ($125) because my parents always made me feel bad about it. I really didn’t want my kids to feel that way, so I tried to cover who was paying for what before they left. Maybe you need to have a discussion with your parents whether things aren’t as they expected.

It’s hard to not complain about some costs, though, because there are a ton of things we didn’t talk about because we didn’t think about them. They have spending money, but one is running through hers pretty fast. She’s been good and pays for most things herself - haircuts, books, club sports, but I think she eats out too much, spends too much on entertainment. She tried a job, didn’t like it so quit (fine) but she’s still spending money. Not fine. It’s hard for me not to criticize and sound like I’m disappointed because I’m worried she’ll run out of money. The other has much more money, but never offers to pay for anything if I’ll pay. Got her hair cut at Christmas, so I paid. I paid for her first semester of books because ‘she didn’t know how’ (I didn’t fall for that again).

I don’t resent my kids, but there are times when I call them on wasting money, or making plans that I really can’t afford. I do think they should apply for more scholarships or try harder to get them since that would save me money. I would have done anything to save my parents’ money (or not have to ask for it), but my kids are a little spoiled and just work the minimum at getting scholarships or even at jobs.

You should be aware that college costs more than parents imagine. I have the big amounts in my mind, in the budget, but I really did spend a lot of money in Aug and Sept, traveling, setting up two dorm rooms (on a strict budget), actually paying the tuition, new computers, gas, meals, sending items that were forgotten or needed… and then instantly it was time to think about travel for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was tired, worried, and broke. Yes, I expected it but I was still tired, worried and broke. Today my daughter called and said she wants to do the Disney college program in the fall. I’m supposed to do all the financial aid forms, scholarship documents, but she might not even go to school next year. I’m not happy at all and she knows it.

6

Sounds like you got the message I think they wanted you to get from their comments. I’d be very surprised if there were many parents out there who resented the cost of their kids college education.
They want you to get a good job commensurate with your abilities and one that makes you happy and it sounds like you will do that just fine so I think you can stop worrying about the pressure to get the highest paying one.

7

I don’t know your parents so I can’t speak for them, only for myself. I love my daughters dearly; I want them to have jobs and lives in which they are happy; I don’t think they need to pay me back for the money spent on college. But yes, it was hard work to contribute to putting them through college. And I vent sometimes. But not to them. I wonder if your parents are worried about you. I think I’d be much more likely to let slip comments about sacrifice if I was concerned that one of my children was not doing well in school or was having other issues. So maybe ask them if they’re worried, if you feel comfortable doing so. And thank them! I bet they’d appreciate that.

8

I agree they are just grousing. In the meantime, make sure you share some of the good stuff you are doing at school, both academically and socially. Let them live vicariously through you some times. Show them that you appreciate the sacrifice they are making.

9 
          Parents can whinge about money, it is their way of trying to make sure you are not an entitled trust fund brat of a single child. As you  worked pretty hard to get into your current school, just make sure you continue to be  cognizant of the advantages you have always had and love your parents, I expect that is all they really care about.  And finish your degree in 4 yrs LOL.
10

You don’t “owe” it to your parents to get a high paying job when you graduate or to pick the highest paying major. You get to lead your own life and choose your own career.

However, IMO, you DO “owe” it to your parents to take full advantage of Cornell–to study and do your best, i.e., not necessarily get sky high grades, but to take studying as a serious commitment and not “blow off” classes, tests, etc. Take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities Cornell offers you. Do your best to help with the financial part, e.g., by making an effort to get a paying summer job.

I think your parents just want to know that you APPRECIATE the sacrifices they are making. Valentine’s Day is coming up. How about sending home a card that says I love you for letting me be here. I know it’s a sacrifice and I appreciate the fact you’ve made it.

And…this may sound odd…but don’t vent too much. It sounds as if you like Cornell, but be careful about whining too much about all the work or the food–though I’ve heard Cornell’s is good; the weather, etc. Every student has some rough patches. If they are serious, of course, you should share them with your parents. But if your roommate’s alarm awakened you at 6 or she wore your favorite sweater without asking…well…think twice before venting to your parents.

Bottom line: Don’t act “spoiled” or entitled and say thanks now and then. Share the good stuff—whatever it is: I went to the most amazing choral performance or talk by X famous person; I got a good grade on a pop quiz, I had a fantastic time at the hockey game.

11

We pay full freight for our son at Yale. We can afford it, and being honest here, it is one of the happiest expenditures we have. We are thrilled that he was accepted and happy when he he is happy: academically and socially. He appreciates the opportunity he’s been given and is not shy about saying so.

Being a normal teenager, he will sometimes make a snide remark about school. Being a normal parent, I’ll shoot back some comment about how if that’s the way he feels, he can feel that way much cheaper at Directional U.

My soon knows that I’m just busting his chops. For you, if it’s a sensitive topic, your parents comments about finances ring louder in your head than they intended. They might also be surprised how the incidentals add up.

I don’t know your parents, but I’m sure that they love to hear how you are thriving at, and enjoying, Cornell. Don’t feel pressure to make gobs of money when you get out of school. Everything else being equal, more money is better than less money, but everything is never equal. Relax and work hard. :slight_smile:

12

We paid 100% for one kid and over 50% for the other. We were happy that both got a good education, even though it WAS costly and we could easily have bought one or more nice new cars every year instead of paying for their schooling. They did tell us they were grateful and S did get good internships and has gotten a nice job that he enjoys and pays him a decent salary. D is still looking free lancing but hoping to get a job in the near future.

As others say, we don’t know you or your folks. I’m sure they’re very pleased that you’re at Cornell and doing well. Hopefully you are exploring and using campus resources to figure out what fields and careers will be a good fit for you. It can take longer for some to figure this out than others, but life is a journey. Most of the folks I know are happy their kids are doing well at their chosen college, even though we all grumble good-naturedly about how it IS costing us and “cramping our style,” to varying degrees.

Agree that your parents will love to hear about the great resources your school offers that you’re taking advantage of–the great teachers, research opportunities, career placement office, guest speakers, wide range of classes, etc.

13

I recommend communicating with them. Tell them how you feel, and ask them how they feel. Try to be completely honest and sincere.

14

If your parents are really complaining a lot, I think you should have a talk with them. Tell them that everything you hear about the hardships involved in paying for you at Cornell has led you to consider transferring to the state university. See what they say. They can either recommit to Cornell and stop complaining, or show relief and support a transfer. In other words, call their bluff and be ready for their answer.

It is hard for me to pay for my kids, even with financial aid, but I would never, ever tell them. I maintain white lies for years about this because I want them to enjoy college. They all work hard and contribute to the college community so I have not had to come up with strategies to motivate them based on guilt :slight_smile:

It is important for parents to think long term. You may not be able to get a high paying job right out of college, and your life may follow some zigs and zags before you find a niche. Many grads go home for awhile, or start off with a low paying position and work their way up. Your parents- and you- need to be patient. College should be valued for the experience itself.

Do they expect you to pay them back? I hope not! If my kid studied art or literature or biology and enjoyed the learning and studied hard, I would be happy. Regardless of what they do after graduation. We all need our kids to support themselves but your standard of living can be very different from your parents’ if you so choose.

15

@Ranza123: As someone who has joked around a bit about paying tuition for a kid who is enrolled at a similarly expensive school, I can relate to both your parents and you. Perhaps a couple of thoughts here would help:

First, while middle-class luxuries are nice, I can’t think of a single “luxury good” I’d rather provide for my family than to send my children off into the world well-educated and with a minimal amount of debt. Over the years, there are a lot of things I haven’t bought because I wanted to be in a position to buy this instead. My guess is that your parents feel the same way (at least most of the time). Sure, they’d like to go to Europe – but the joy and pride they’ll get from seeing you squeeze the life out of your Cornell experience will be miles better to them in the long run.

Second, years ago, when I was at a middling state school on a full scholarship, my dad still went through the arithmetic of calculating how much tuition was per hour of classroom time. He’d point out to me that someone thought I was worth $X per hour to turn into a better student, critical thinker, and future leader – and then not so gently remind me that I shouldn’t have any place better to be at 8:00 AM or whenever than that classroom. You sound like a kid who gets it and will make the most of all the opportunities you have. That – and not future wealth, fame, or fortune – should make nearly any set of parents happy.

Finally, if you’re really concerned about how to make all this up to your parents, just promise them you’ll do the very best you can to provide the same opportunities for their grandchildren.

16

The parents I know who are not supportive of paying full tuition feel their children are not deserving of receiving the gift of graduating without loans. Sometimes this feeling is justified because the child is not putting in the effort, but sometimes it is just grousing. Personally,it has been a wonderful thing to be able to pay full tuition for a child who is blossoming at college and applying himself to his studies.

17

We avoided complaining about the high cost of private schools k-12 and college with our kids, and with my older ones, I think we did them a disfavor, as they truly feel that they were so entitled and that we were able to do it easily. And we were, compared to the vast majority of families. However, in order to continue with other financial commitments, both DH and I cut back on things we really wanted. The cuts had to come from somewhere to pay for the educations, and we determined where to do so that least affected the kids. And we were successful, too successful in that they have/had no idea. They’ve had a difficult time making similar cuts in their own life styles as they are used to living without so thinking.

So where the line or the gray area begins in making sure the awareness is there, and not making it too much, differs widely. I never wanted to put my parents out financially, and took it upon myself to save every penny I could to make my expenses. Didn’t want my kids to go through that, but they somehow did not get the wherewithal and savvy that DH and I got in living that way, having that mindset for so long. I can go into a very low spending mode easily–don’t eat out for months at a time and get those grocery bills down to very little with the recipes I have, and learning how to use resources well. My kids are too quick to pay rather than looking at alternatives. DH can change the oil in the cars and will do so, wash the cars even in cold weather and does so without a thought. My kids will pay what the feel is just the few dollars to get it done.

18

I like @jonri’s response in post #9.

19

It’s more resenting the cost and the pinching it takes to meet it rather than resenting the kid. I don’t resent my kids one instant for what they cost, but, I blame myself for some of the choices and resent the costs of some of them.

20

As you are just a freshman, please don’t project yourself so far into the future, worrying today about getting a high paying job after graduating. You still have a long way to go, and will learn much along the way. Your career path will open up as you continue with your education. Be open to it.

Look, your parents love having bragging rights. They get to say their kid goes to Cornell. They get to tell their friends they’re paying for their kid to go to Cornell. It’s not a flashy car to ride around in, but it is a satisfying staus symbol, nevertheless. A flashy car may rust, their kid’s college degree never will. I work with lots of women, we all love talking about our kids in college. We all talk about what it’s costing us. We all are happy to be Investing in our kids. That is what your parents are doing: Investing in you.

Our only son goes to a private college. It cost us more, but we are proud of him. Yes, the #9 post on this thread gets it right. Reread it. Parents want kids to appreciate what they do, that’s all. And as another poster says, talk about the good stuff that happens, not just the gripes. Then once in awhile, write a note or send a card to say you appreciate their hard work. Allow yourself to feel fortunate to have supportive parents. They are a gift to you.