I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with “bragging rights”, and everything to do with “investing”.
For us, our kids are our greatest gift, there is nothing “better” to be spending our money on than investing in their future.
That doesn’t mean the investment is easy for us, given private college costs these days. But on the other hand they chose to do it.
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Their hope is that you will ultimately become a functioning adult with appropriate work and a healthy social life. (or at least that’s my hope, for my kids). And they hope this investment will help. You probably want that too, if you can think that far ahead. So make the most of your opportunities and experience there. Your reward will be their reward.
One of the dearest, nicest, weepiest moments I ever had was a milestone birthday. We are solidly middle class (sliding downhill all the time) and have given up a lot to put ours through college. My kids have worked hard, if not always successfully, and have themselves lived “without” stuff typical teens had. We all know it’s a group effort with ups and downs.
But sometimes, I vented. and on my bday, my sons pooled their money and bought me beautiful, brand new hiking boots, something I had always wanted. Attached was a note I still carry in my wallet " Thanks for everything you don’t have, so we could have evrything. But all we need is you"
monydad, yes, for some, that is part of it. I work with enough women to know bragging when I hear it as it pertains to their children’s accomplishments. I say that with great affection for those I work with. I admire those who do a good job raising their children.
green button, that is a wonderful story, brings tears to my eyes as well,and makes parenting all worth while.
“First, while middle-class luxuries are nice, I can’t think of a single “luxury good” I’d rather provide for my family than to send my children off into the world well-educated and with a minimal amount of debt. Over the years, there are a lot of things I haven’t bought because I wanted to be in a position to buy this instead.”
This has been a very interesting thread for me as a parent about to send my kid off to a very expensive school. We made a conscious decision to let her apply ED1 to her top choice knowing there would be no merit aid. She was well aware of the cost and we repeatedly reassured her it was ok. I was especially interested in the post by @cptoftheouse. I certainly don’t want D to feel like we resent her, because we definitely don’t and are super proud. On the other hand, we will be making adjustments in our lifestyle to pay for this. We can afford it but we aren’t so well off that we don’t feel it and need to adjust for it. So I want to strike an appropriate balance avoiding both resentment and entitlement.
@greenbutton, You brought tears to my eyes, too. That is a lovely story; thanks for sharing. You must be extremely proud of the fine children you raised.
Such sweetness here. My parents sacrificed for me; my husband and I sacrifice for our kids; they will sacrifice for my grand-kids (G-d willing). Be grateful and pay it forward with a glad heart.
@greenbutton it’s interesting you should mention a milestone birthday - my mother’s 60th birthday is next week and I am trying very hard to make it one of the “dearest, nicest, weepiest moments” for her as well! Since she is a Cornell alumna, I got her a book about the history of Cornell and a scarf with words to the Cornell Alma Mater and the logo on it. I’m also baking her a cake and my dad and I are taking her out to dinner. Throwing in a note as your sons did may be a good idea as well! While I’ve always tried to do nice things for my mom on her birthday, the fact that this is a milestone coupled with the fact that it’s my first year off at college makes me want to make it as special as possible!
Op,
Sometimes we parents complain about the cost of school or the pain of childbirth because we want our kids to say “thank you for all that you done for me. I recognize your sacrifices.” Kind of along the same vein as “oh, I look so ugly today” with the response “oh no you don’t at all! You look great.” However, if you want to be more direct, you could just say to your parents that you do recognize all that they have done for you and you were just wondering if there if any other reason or motivation for their comments that they would like you to address.
Also you don’t need to make up for this investment by making a ton of money. Were you planning on giving your money to your parents? Were they planning on accepting your money? I doubt it.
Parents often made some mistakes by saying something not very proper. It could be due to the fact that they are concerned about something else that has nothing to do with you.
I believe I had made a mistake by saying this to our child before we sent our child to college: If we run out of money before you graduate, you may have to transfer to our in-state public. This might be just because I had never been paying such a big bill in my whole life. It is never the case that I “resent” him for attending an expensive school.
After everything is said and done, we have paid more than 4 years, although we did ask him to shoulder some of his education expenses by his “future” income after undergraduate college , when the financial aid is not as “good” as the UG financial aid. This is because we need to catch up on the saving for our own retirement, and we really could not afford to pay everything anymore all by ourselves.
Ouch, I hope we do not “guilt” our only child into striving too hard for his “success”. This is never our intention. We want to give him an “edge” (a real one or just an imagined one) whenever we can, but we will not feel our “sacrifices” is not worth it if he is not successful. As long as he could take care of himself (now and in the future, and eventually after we are “gone”), we will be happy.
OP, BTW, it seems to me that you are a very good child of your parents.
My two sons are both Cornellians. Cornell is an amazing amazing place. The alumni that I know are thrilled to have been part of it. Your parents are likely over the moon that you are following in the familiar and familial footsteps. Enjoy every minute up on the hill. Take advantage of the location, the professors, the courses, the intense coffeeshop discussions, the late night hangouts … and share your experience with your parents. Let them recall their own years, high above Cayuga’s waters. It will seem less like a money pit!
I know that H and I would have a lot more money if we hadn’t sent both of our kids to expensive schools. However there is NOTHING I would rather spend my money on. My family financial circumstances limited my own college choices. I never resented this and enjoyed my college experience, but I am thrilled that my own kids were able to have different choices.
The only thing you owe your parents is to put forth your best effort academically and take advantage of the great school that you are attending. You don’t have to make a lot of money, but I hope that you find a career that you love and enjoy pursuing. And someday hopefully you can “pay it forward” by helping your own child.
Best wishes.
I also like Jonri’s post. (post #9) It is likely that most parents do their best to be gracious as it relates to financial matters and to shield their children from the realities of how challenging it is to pay for the ridiculous expense that attending college has become. For all but very few families to send your children to college there are significant sacrifices involved and we live in an uncertain world that is exceedingly expensive in other area’s as well. Parents are human and from time to time these pressures may get the best of them.
Expressing appreciation for the opportunity that you have and being conscious of the kind and amount of communication you have with them is very important. Those things will go along way as it relates to their outlook and their enthusiasm for your experience.
Being conscious financially is very important as well, anticipating that your parents can or will pick up the tab for extra’s (non essentials) isn’t particularly considerate and could influence their perspective about finances as well. Be respectful and considerate, things like working in the summer to earn your spending money for the year, pursuing some part time college employment to defray some costs as well.
Most importantly, commit yourself to your entire college experience, being passionate about your studies, and taking advantage of all the elements that a fantastic school like Cornell has to offer. If you do that and you share those experiences with your Mom and Dad I am sure that will be more than enough.
Also, is it possible to view your future in a challenging way rather than feeling it as pressure to excel and live up to some some impossible standard? Maybe prove to yourself that you can find a career that is not only satisfying to you but also earns you a good living. I have been known to tell my son “It’s okay to make money.” and “Don’t be afraid to make money”. See the adventure in all of it, and explore. You know, expect good things.
“The only problem is the financial aid”
-This is in category of major problem for our family. We never understood the reasons for attending the UG that one family cannot afford. Another factor is that while the name of UG is important pursuing some careers, it is non-factor in others. And there is also a notion of “better” education. As far as I can see based on personal experience educating yourself depend primarily on the student and NOT the place. The only reason that I see in the OP case is a personal dream. It is important and should be highly considered. However, did OP research the other schools? There are plenty of schools that would offer full tuition and even full ride based on Merit to a top caliber student such as one was accepted to Cornell. There are both privates and in-state publics who would be happy to have such a student. And again, student like this would have lots more opportunities at places that appreciate to have him/her. Doors will be widely open, the doors that are not widely available to the “average” student at such place.
My comments are not in theory, they are based on my D’s experience. Her attitude was “I will do fine anywhere”, she neglected her CG’s push to apply to Harvard and such. She applied only to UG that we knew offer her some or great Merit award. Then she visited these places multiple times to make sure to choose the one that she could call home for the next 4 years. It worked out. She was on full tuition Merit award at in-state public which she choose over private that also offerred about $27k/year Merit award. After being in the same class with Ivy’s graduates for about 4 years of Med. School, she still have a great memory of her UG experiences and believes that she attended the best place for herself.
As far as our support for our very hard working D., we decided to pay for her Med. School, D’s decision choosing her UG basically made it possible.
One can attend at any place and make the best out of it. It is up to a student, not the college to achieve.
OP needs to either leave all negativity behind or if it is not possible, transfer. It is not healthy to feel this way for a long time, it may lead to depression and many other negative consequences where focus should be on achieving and having great life at college. It is UG after all, the road ahead may be brutal as my D. has discovered. One does not need artificially created obstacles, there are plenty of the real ones ahead.
Ranza, if your mother is turning 60 then retirement costs may also be on her mind.
I still think you could ask if they want you to transfer to a more affordable state university, next time you hear any complaints. If you ask that, either they will recommit to Cornell (likely) or show relief at your idea of transferring. I cannot imagine that they will do anything other than urge you to stay, and you will feel better.
We pay full freight for our daughter at an Ivy. I tell her what she owes me is doing her best, getting involved, making friends, and enjoying the college experience.
Hopefully, she gets decent grades, but the experiences and friends you make there matter.
Let me see if I understand this correctly. Generalizing from a sample size of 1 is better than a theory? In that case, I have the answers to many questions.
OP: you are compassionate and insightful enough to sense that your parents have sacrificed for you to send you to Cornell. This is not the first, or the last sacrifice that they will make for you. A parents love for their children is a wonderful and limitless thing. Although they may express frustration with those sacrifices, I would bet the cost of my sons’ education that they would not do it differently if given the proverbial second chance.
My advice to you is to take the next step and show your appreciation for this and for all the other gifts they have given you. Hug them. Say Thank You. Call them often. For no reason. Just to talk, tell them how your doing, what you are doing in classes , what your doing with friends, keep them a part of your life. If they know how much you love school then they will know that the money is well spent.