An article in this morning’s NYT caught my attention. Many of us are newly retired or quickly approaching that time of life. Per @abasket’s suggestion, a new thread for discussion.
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Actually fascinating article. Realistic concerns.
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I was just talking about this with a friend. Saying that older couples need to love each other and enjoy each other’s company when you head for those empty nest/retirement years.
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This was a great article.
I am struggling with some of this now. I am never bored - physically active, a “joiner” by nature, etc. H is not one to initiate social contact and he has a physical issue (which he is in treatment for) which makes it painful to walk more than a block or so. That makes it hard to do things like explore museums, parks and other places in our city together. I feel guilty for leaving him behind.
I wish he had been able to continue working, at least part time, but the nature of the industry he worked in made that impossible. I think he is bored a lot.
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Interesting article.
DH isn’t retired yet but….Covid years were very informative when DH was working from home quite a bit when not on call , etc. bc we have very different energy levels.
DH has always had a strong work ethic and that became glaringly clear. Even if not doing professional work, he is always doing projects around the house, yard, pool, etc. Like nonstop.
And I am not a project type person. I am a sit and read, work on a challenging 1000 piece puzzle of beach scenes or wildlife, or watch historical movies.
We talk almost daily about retirement years and how they look to each of us and how they overlap.
We have a much better sense and respect that we will need to be very mindful of when DH retires (not any time soon) and how likely it will be a gradual process of him cutting back (fine with me) bc he can’t just relax with a book. He needs to be “productive” (his words). He also likes making money (fine with me, of course) and feels no desire to ever stop working in some capacity for several years.
I used to feel guilty about this dynamic difference…but now I don’t and he is okay with that, too. We are just different, and it works since we each emotionally support the other.
And even though different in some big ways, we still like watching college and NFL football games together (even American Idol), he tolerates my endless Dateline and 20/20 dark themed shows (he prefers comedy), we watch the news and critique the anchors and guests and content and how it could be improved, we take daily evening walks in our neighborhood and enjoy laughing about the various dogs we encounter regularly and love as if they are our own dogs.
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Two things that stand out in the article are having an identity and interests apart from work and the quality of the marriage. I think those two things are fundamental to successfully transitioning to retirement (however you define it), but the marriage is what endures after the childrearing and work years are done. The relationship is what you had from the beginning and hope to have to the end, so I agree with the main point of the article:
But research over the years has found only a limited effect of a second identity on happiness in that phase of life. The much more important factor, Gottman told me, is the quality of the marriage before retirement. The Health and Retirement Study, a sweeping national research project now in its 32nd year, found that an unhappy marriage predicts unhappiness in retirement more than declines in wealth or even health, says Mo Wang, a professor at the University of Florida who studies the retirement adjustment.
My DH traveled 100% of the time for 17 years, and I got used to a lot of “me” time just having my “boyfriend” on the weekend. I’m a loner by nature and liked that arrangement. When he came off the road (before we retired), we had to adjust. For us, the solution mostly was ensuring that he had his own spaces so we weren’t in each other’s physical orbits all the time. He likes his office and garage where he can freelance or make sawdust separate from where I read/write/crochet, etc. At the cabin, he now has the garage we built last year (constructing a new shop is this summer’s project), but the porch swing and the chipmunks are all mine. Our shared love is cooking which is something that brings us together daily in “our” kitchen at each place.
We also picked up a habit from his parents early in our marriage. We share a cocktail or glass of wine and a small plate on the patio or porch most evenings before dinner where we each bring a bit of “cocktail chatter,” some tidbit we’ve picked up during the day to share later (talking about the kid/s is prohibited). It’s a habit that ensures that at least some part of the day is spent talking and focusing on each other.
Our marriage isn’t perfect by any means. I’m an introverted perfectionist (hard to live with), and he’s a happy, outgoing slob. (There, I’ve said it.) Our styles have clashed a lot over the years, and we’ve always struggled over travel and faith. But, we each value the marriage above anything else in our lives and take care to feed it because if we lose that, we lose everything. The rest is small potatoes.
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I am struggling with A LOT of this right now.
H was involuntarily retired shortly after my mother died late last year. Our entire married life he worked incessantly, in large part to make sure we had health insurance and also due to the fact he made a lot more money than I did until pretty recently and was worried about our retirement funds (or lack thereof). When my mother died, that concern disappeared. I continued to work until a month ago and then thought - why am I doing this? H was depressed. He had nothing outside of work. He has knee issues which limit his physical activities. So, I stopped working.
It has been a big adjustment. Professionally, I worked in the legal and financial services field. I am handling my mother’s estate. That does not stop H from telling me how I should handle things. Constantly. He asks how he can help and when I tell him, he’s not interested because it’s beneath him. I think it’s tough for his ego.
A common joke in our house, given the substantial difficulty we have experienced with one of our children, is “You’re not dying and leaving me with this mess”. The big issue that has surfaced is that we have a fundamental disagreement over how to handle our relationship with this child. I can never forgive him and H wants to do anything and everything he can to help him. That may be where the strength (or lack thereof) of our 37 year marriage comes into play.
Time will tell.
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Really interesting article. John Gottman (researcher quoted) has produced so much interesting and helpful work on relationships.
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I really relate to this article and it is A LOT of my hesitation about retiring.
I am that project person. I don’t stop a lot during the day- there’s always another task in line I want to do. H has tasks too - but he seems to be able to ignore them. 
He has been “Retired” about 7 years. At that time he started an eBay business out of our home. He does love it and admittedly it makes a nice 
but it is all he really focuses on most of the time. He spends a lot of time on the phone with old work friends and in his recliner watching tv.
He definitely has his daily routine - most days which I am not part of because I’m at work! And it think he likes that freedom in the house a lot! He considers a lot of what I say when I’m here to be “nagging” - I don’t think it is but I do try and encourage him to expand his horizons - that is apparently nagging.
We don’t have a lot of same activities or interests - and that’s ok cause also I’m in introvert and like do just be able to do my things (and he his). But being in each other’s physical space is where the roadblock comes in. Like all those phone calls he takes - can he sometimes take them in another room? Does he have to put every call to a customer service on speaker? Does golf have to be on the main tv ALL.DAY.LONG even if no one is watching it?? He doesn’t think twice about these things. And the word “nagging” comes into play again.
As @ChoatieMom says it helps to have our own individual spaces - and our new to us house gives us (me) lots of spaces to “get away”.
I try to be really cognizant of “enjoy the time you have together, don’t waste the days/years away” - but in the moment it’s HARD.
It sort of boils down to H is fine with being “old” and I am not. I feel no different than 30 years ago. That’s a blessing I know. I have no desire to whittle the day away in a rocking chair. When I see him do that, I literally get anxious - “go live some life!” I know I can’t dictate that.
But I think when I retire there will be an adjustment. I am thinking to try and work part-time to ease into that adjustment.
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Man, lots of food for thought here.
Now that mom is gone, I feel like a whole new chapter is opening up in my life. Dh has been great – and I mean GREAT – during this stressful time of caring for her. I’m unclear what life looks like now.
ETA: The guy who would listen in to his wife on work calls and then try to tell her what she did wrong … and wave to people on her Zoom calls??? What an idiot. We wouldn’t survive.
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As I reread this I feel I should say we have some same interests - like our kids and our pup, some of our outside plans and work….not really hobbies because I don’t feel he has one outside of eBay…and he is not interested in traveling - have to beg for a couple times a year day trip to our daughters 2 hours away (I go often by myself)
It’s sort of like he is content with very little and I am most content with having lots to do and experience. Neither is wrong but they don’t mix well!
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It’s worked out pretty well for us so far. My husband retired fully in 2013 and I’m still doing some consulting. H has taken up a new hobby, hand tool woodworking, as well as doing deferred maintenance around our home. We have a few areas where we have had to work things out but mostly things are working pretty smoothly.
Apparently Francis Fukuyama also took up woodworking when he (semi-)retired.
As one wag noted, that was the end of his tree…
Suggestion- have you looked to see if there are “meetup” type groups in your area? Check Facebook. I know a couple of retired men who were driving their wives crazy (subscription to symphony? No thanks. A few days museum hopping and trying exotic restaurants in a near by city? Nope. Take a photography class at the local arts center, learn water color, every suggestion gets shot down.
But the meetups have been a lifesaver! One went very reluctantly to a “classic car” meetup… he didn’t own a classic car, but had always fantasized about a vintage mustang or whatnot… there were a bunch of guys there, some of whom DID own (and were restoring vintage mustangs, some were just spectators) but it’s been a whole new group of friends and activities. He went on a road trip to see a car someone was selling- with three guys from his group. His wife was flabbergasted. She can’t get him to see a major Impressionism exhibit an hour a way, but he’ll drive a few hundred miles to look in someone’s garage with his new BFFS???
Another is doing some stamp thing. Who knew stamp collectors had so many conventions, meetings, conferences? He’s away all the time now. Wife was inspired to join a “Stitch and $%^” Meetup after his success… she loves it. A bunch of people she’d never interact with at all. They meet at a local community center, drink coffee, work on their handiwork and %^&* about life. Yes, a Stitch and $%^&.
I’m still working, but I have five or ten different hobbies I never really pursued (not enough time, raising kids, elderly parents) but I think if I can join a few of these meetups I can finally see if I’m actually interested in these activities, or just want to pretend that I’m going to needlepoint the Mona Lisa for my den or whatever.
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The last thing I think he’d ever do. Meet up with random people. He would make a great volunteer but won’t commit.
He’s totally happy with his day and I would never force something on him - he’s not 8! 
I just think - and realize - that he is not highly motivated and he’s is happy as a lark with his very, very simple days. The problem is with me on the other end we are both blind to have some friction!
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I ran this group in our community for four years before we started splitting our time between AZ and ME. It was politely named “Cactus Needlers,” but there was plenty of “interesting” conversation.
DH is a prime member of the Bourbon and Cigars Club. He also participates in the Car Club and a weekly men’s breakfast.
These interests have provided a wide circle of friends, so we’re never at a loss for entertainment or social invites. I look forward to our months of quiet and less activity in Maine, though. DH is a smidge happier in AZ, I’m a smidge happier in ME. It’s a good compromise.
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What fun! When are you going to lead a home decor/nesting group and can I join?
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I love meet up groups! Joined a few when dog sitting for my son’s pups for a few days in a different state when things were slow.
Locally, there’s a fun indoor, rock-climbing group. I never would have had the initiative do try that without a group of experienced (and welcoming) folks…
Definitely not for everyone, though!
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In my town there’s a group called ROMEO - Retired Old Men Eating Out. They’re at Dunkin’ Donuts every morning!
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Our neighbor across the street was widowed shortly before he retired. Once he retired, he started eating breakfast every day with some other retirees from work. They’ve been doing it for probably 20 years. H was invited when he retired, since he used to work with some of the guys, but he has a morning routine he enjoys & he hasn’t felt the need to do that at this point. It’s been five years for him, and he keeps the right amount of busy for his needs.
It’s been 4.5 years for me, and I’m doing fine. I’d like to pick up some additional volunteer work in the future, but I’m content with just a bit of volunteering at this point.
Our relationship is great. We aren’t driving each other crazy, so far. I have mentioned elsewhere that I’d like to travel more, but we’ll get there. I know that he worries about going somewhere while his mom is still alive, in case she needs him (and I also think he feels bad going away while his sister is stuck helping his mom). We do fun things around our area, including weekly comedy shows.
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