DH and I are both retired. I was lucky enough to gradually cut my hours year after year, until at age 70, I retired for good. DH had left his high-pressure office job 15 years ago and just worked locally at smaller jobs until he too left even that around four years ago.
There’s a group in town called the Wise Men – actually, the Y’s Men, because it used to be members of the YMCA. DH’s passion is tennis, so he started playing tennis with some Wise Men. That thankfully led to one thing after another, and now he goes on some field trip with them once or twice a month. (Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY; a woman’s basketball game at the local school; some dinners at new and unique restaurants.) He also plays tennis with a total of nine different groups, so he almost always has something going on.
I do a lot of volunteering for one particular organization and have found it very satisfying. And I’m in three book clubs. I am in charge of pretty much everything – the house, finances, the dog, travel to see kids and grandkids. I keep busy.
I am having DH read Arthur Brooks’ Strength to Strength, which I found very useful even before I left my job (still have trouble saying “retired”) . He knows he needs to be thinking about what he’ll do , and I know I have to give him time to adjust. He has about 3 years to go.
Meanwhile, my FIL has finally retired for real – no consulting, no phone work — at 82 and he is a complete mess. Fighting with my MIL, angry at his sons for absolutely no reason, buying random stuff and insisting he’ll live for decades. His whole identity was work, and he is lost without it.
A downside to moving after retirement is that we don’t know that many people here. As I have said, I am a joiner by nature and am interested in fitness so I have met people that way.
H does have a college classmate we know pretty well who lives a few blocks from us. We go out to dinner with him and his wife sometimes and really like them. I have suggested H call him and see if he wants to meet for lunch (just the guys). Nope…
Going through COVID kind of helped us “see” how retirement would be, and helped us learn to co-exist when we were both home a lot more.
My husband worked longer than I did, mostly from home (bc of COVID), and he has an office with a door. During work hours I rarely interacted with him.
Now that we are both “retired,” we still don’t interact a lot during the day. We both still work a little (him more than me). We do have one weekday that we always try to do something together. Other than on that day, we usually eat dinner together but not breakfast or lunch, and we each do our own thing during the day. Even if we sit at the table at the same time, we may or may not choose to talk. On weekends we may spend more time together, eat leisurely meals, etc.
We are starting to do some mini-trips, which require more coordination. Fortunately the work we are doing is very flexible, and if the weather looks good we can go someplace fairly last minute.
One suggestion for people having trouble getting out of the house/finding things to do - consider taking classes through local colleges. Many have lots of non-credit classes across a wide variety of topics. There is something called OLLI at many colleges too.
It’s interesting to hear everyone’s situation. I’m glad to hear that others (like @1214mom and her H) aren’t attached at the hip day after day, lol. To be honest, I’ve had that impression here on CC often - that that is what many retired households look like here. And that does not appeal to me, so I had to wonder if I’m odd??
Good to hear of others who have varying degrees of “you and me”.
This is my concern with moving! My friends who’ve moved to over-55 communities say that’s the benefit - people excited to make friends, tons of activities that provide those opportunities.
I just think over-55 is not my style - but maybe Meetups would help with the network-building!
We are both still working, both still like each other, both have lots to talk about… but I would lose my mind if we were joined at the hip in retirement. That is likely one of the reasons I’ve refused to put a plan into place… if it’s going to involve eating lunch together every day… OMG.
I am single, almost 76, and I hope to go back to work as soon as my health permits. When I was waiting to adopt my daughter from China (1997-98), I reached out to many people to develop a network of friends with kids. Especially since Covid, I continue to reach out to new acquaintances to see if we can develop friendships. So far, so good. It’s especially important to me because I live alone and daughter and son-in-law live 90 mins or so away by car (which I have to rent) and have very busy professional lives.
DW & I are still 10+ years from retirement, but I really don’t believe we will have much trouble. DW is an introvert and a reader so she always has something to keep herself busy. My two hobbies are golf and poker. I can do both of those without the need to organize a group. I have played plenty of rounds of golf as a single and I am fine with that.
It also helps that DW & I watch the same TV shows about 98% of the time.
I’m glad to hear that too. H and I have some interests in common but I think both, or definitely me, would go crazy with doing everything together. Even pre-retirement when we went to a museum or festival or similar we often split up to move and looked around at each of our preferred paces (he prefers organized activities like curator talks and I prefer to read labels and wander on my own) and then later in the car or over lunch we shared what we saw and thought. Since retiring last year he has been taking some classes and I’ve started several new activities. We catch up when we can and it’s more interesting to me to be able to both share my activities and hear about his rather than do the same things and have nothing new to talk about.
Mine neither and husband agrees. There are some great communities around and people seem to love them. But I can’t help feeling “younger folks (including kids)” tend to keep you feeling younger.
I have come to the struggling point. My husband is 8 years older. He has had two major back surgeries that have left him with major reduced mobility. Walks with a cane and only very short distances before he needs to rest. (He has a great cane with a little built in seat). This is not what I dreamed of. I dreamed of traveling. We were able to get in two very wonderful European trips, thank God.
We annoy each other. No question. I tend to be impatient and impulsive, not good qualities so I am working mightily on that because, well, he also seems to be “losing it”. The only way I can explain it. Little things. Also, he refuses to wear his hearing aids. So, on top of all the chaos and mess in the world out there, it’s not how I had hoped it would be. There is so much more but I’ll leave it at this.
I do get out and do things whereas he really doesn’t. Just enjoys doing house stuff, loves Lowe’s. I go to LLI classes. (Lifelong Learning Institute) and two bookclubs.
I give you credit here for lots of honesty and recognizing that it’s hard. Also for taking the “you” time to get out and do things. I’m guessing your H didn’t expect this either - it’s hard.
I’m glad you got those two big trips. I do understand that feeling of “is that all there is now?”.
Hugs to you. I have a friend in similar circumstances who swears by River Cruises (pricey) and Elderhostel (more modest). They usually have options for the less mobile partner (sit on the boat and listen to a lecture by a historian, or just snooze on the deck) while the more active partner is exploring the city they’re docked in. And Elderhostel is usually careful to make sure that the facilities are ADA compliant, that there’s always a “more sedentary” track so your H will have company if he chooses. I know it’s not a solution to the day to day issues, but she plans these trips well in advance so has something fabulous to look forward to…
Don’t give up on those hearing aids for your husband! Enlist your friends!
He may not be “losing it”. He just has no idea what is going on while he acts like he can hear.
We have very dear friends and the H is super hard of hearing but is super reluctant to get hearing aids. I actually asked wife if she wanted me (us) to go to bat for her and she said YES! PLEASE!
We aren’t all the way there yet but I did discover some of the reasons behind the reluctance. And the walls are being broken down. Once you know the REAL concerns it’s easier to move forward. I think he thought of it as a "me"problem and never understood how much it frustrates not only your family but friends also. Sometimes it takes that third person to broach the subject. I was able to ask (as a friend with her permission) to express my concern and how much his loss of hearing was affecting not only his wife but his friends too. Turns it into a “it’s not all about me” issue. Your friends and family WANT you!
As others have mentioned up-thread, the Covid years gave us a glimpse into our retirement years. We will do some traveling but probably not much. H has come to despise the hassle of airplane travel, especially airports. As far as daily life, we definitely need to do our own thing during the day.
I will look into volunteering, but I do wonder about my social life going forward. I have three close friends who I always assumed would be around for my entire life. Then life happened. One is dealing with health challenges. Another moved out of state for her husband’s job. My third friend became a snowbird and is away 4 months out of the year.
Retirement should be recognized as a life transition just as important as getting married and/or having children, and something to prepare for emotionally.
My husband, nine years older, has been retired for years (early retirement). I was a SAHM. For the first couple years, he spent time watching TV and puttering. I was okay with that, since he retired from a stressful job and needed to decompress. Now, almost 15 years later, he has some friends he plays a video game with at a local bar.
We each have our interests (I won’t bore you with my recent life/interest transitions) but within the past couple years it’s been better than when our children were home. Our youngest is a senior in college, so we are nearly empty nesters. We (well, I) still do plenty of parenting, but it’s now different since they are basically adults. I was telling a friend recently that you don’t realize how stressful having children is until they are out of the house, lol. I wouldn’t trade a minute of it, of course, but when they leave you are left with each other and it’s a true moment in your marriage.
Not to get sappy, but I think this is the best our marriage has been in a long time. It’s not perfect, nothing can be, but we are in a good place.
I’m going to add my voice to those who have encouraged you to help him pursue the hearing aid issue. My husband also refused to wear them for years, I think because they were uncomfortable, screechy, and he just gave up. He wouldn’t look into getting new ones because he didn’t want to spend the money and they wouldn’t be any better anyway . Along with not being able to hear he was depressed and increasingly isolated. He was finally persuaded to try out some new hearing aids and now wears them much more. Not all the time but enough of the time that he can converse with other dog walkers and mostly hear what’s going on in meetings. Overall, I’d say his mood is much improved and he’s not isolating himself as much. The technology has improved massively and his phone connects to the hearing aids so he can talk to the kids when they call without all parties becoming frustrated. It can be hard to keep pushing someone to sort this out, so lots of support coming your way.
One of the issues we’re struggling with is where to live as we age. The main reason for staying in our current location was Mom - I lived close by and could help her as needed. I told H last night that we really didn’t need to live here any longer - we were really free to move anywhere we wanted. One of my favorite hobbies is looking on Zillow and Redfin at different homes in communities I am familiar with, having lived there previously knowing people in those communities. It has been amazing to me to see how expensive our town is compared to other places. H’s thought was that we could move to my mother’s home, but honestly I don’t want to. That’s where I found her and it’s more than my brain can handle most days.
I did see a piece in the WP this morning about living in a retirement community. I don’t know if that’s of eventual interest to anyone here, but here’s a gift article for anyone who is interested.
. Along with not being able to hear he was depressed and increasingly isolated. He was finally persuaded to try out some new hearing aids and now wears them much more. Not all the time but enough of the time that he can converse with other dog walkers and mostly hear what’s going on in meetings. Overall, I’d say his mood is much improved and he’s not isolating himself as much. The technology has improved massively and his phone connects to the hearing aids so he can talk to the kids when they call without all parties becoming frustrated. It can be hard to keep pushing someone to sort this out, so lots of support coming your way.