SAHM for decades here. DH and I have a nice balance of things we enjoy by ourselves and things we enjoy together; it’s a Venn diagram that works really well for us. Weekends and time off work out happily for both of us, and we’re optimistic and determined to make that extend into his retirement when it does come.
I’ve lived on my own with the dogs while he’s worked and lived out of state for the last 2.5 years. He just now has the possibility of coming back home. We’re trying to be realistic and kind about the readjustment that’ll be – we both love the autonomy that came with living on our own.
He was able to work remotely from up here one week in four, and those weeks were a combination of the hardest parts of spending all our time together. My contribution to the household includes life support, so I adapted my schedule to accommodate his for meals, kitchen access (mind-numbing conference calls that made an immediate mug of high-test tea a need and not a want, for example), removing our barking dogs so he could participate in said conference calls (when normally, hey, you want to bark, go ahead, I’m still finishing my lunch). It felt like a more than fair adjustment, but I still chafed at the loss of luxuriating in the control over my time and environment. We dealt with that for the short term, but if he’d gone full-time telework then we would have fine tuned things.
One of the sentences that’s helped us most through all this has been “You didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m still ticked off.”
My husband has hiked in the Yosemite back country with his brother for a couple weeks every summer since before we were married.
The first summer I really missed him, since we had just gotten married. Since then, I’ve decided that it’s my time, too, to have the house to myself. I don’t do anything differently, just do it by myself.
We actually enjoy having a break from each other, and come back stronger. And before you know it, it’s time for our annual separate vacation lol.
I wish I knew. My husband took a buy-out at 49 that would have allowed him to retire, but retirement is a dirty word to him, so he consulted for a few years. He got tired of flying back and forth to England, so he started a business with a college friend. Their disagreements eventually began to erode their friendship, and DH valued the friendship more than the work, so he sold his share (this was a small company, really, a “hobby” business) to his partner.
I was already done (worked PT until 2011), and thought we would have lots of time to travel, but nope…we bought an old house with acreage, and now he is a commercial brewer.
I don’t think he will really retire until he becomes infirm or dies.
^^^ Which to me brings the question…what IS retirement? Not working for income at all? Not working within your designated career? Working a lesser position or any position part time?
That’s my DH also. I think some day he will quit chasing deals and will just stay busy managing our assets. We have several commercial properties we rent and have some valuable land fronting a busy toll road that will also eventually be split up and rented out to commercial entities. He could probably spend 24 hours a day managing all those businesses once they all have buildings and tenants. I just don’t see him playing golf, puttering about the house all day, gardening, or doing other activities like that.
I’m an introvert and I love solitude and quiet. DH works from home and his business involves a LOT of phone calls. He has more than one line, so while he’s talking on one line, I can hear his other lines and cell phone ringing all day. We have a large house square footage-wise, but I can hear him talking hour after hour after hour. That’s tough for an introvert who cherishes a fair amount of quiet. I could try to drown it out with music or TV, but that also defeats the purpose.
I love his guts out, but I did prefer the former “go to the office all day then come home and enjoy each others’ company” thing we had going for 24 years.
Listening to someone else’s business calls is NOT fun! I’m afraid I subject my husband to that sometimes. When we were on vacation on St. John 2 weeks ago a man on the beach had a loud and lengthy business call and it was annoying everyone around him.
Oh, phone calls! I hate the phone with a passion in the first place, but have developed a more refined loathing for them since overhearing DH’s conference calls in our small open-concept house.
H decided to work from home talking on the phone just after he retired. H thought sitting at the Kitchen or dining table in our large open space was just fine. It drove me nuts. He just did not understand why but did drop that gig.
I rarely talk on the phone but for that one call a month I want privacy. D insists there is no where in our entire house where a conversation cannot be heard. (don’t believe her but got her point).
“I assume you’ve explained this to your husband, why do you think he is unwilling to give you some alone time?”
We’ve been working on it. He doesn’t get it and can get his feelings hurt. Or, he just forgets (continually). I am not sure that having a separate room would work. He can’t stay out and not ask me something. I’ve tried to do yoga at home. I tell him “I need 30 minutes to myself without interruption. What room would you like me to use?” He’ll say a room and 9/10 he will interrupt with some random question. And then he will get mad because I get mad. “Well it was just a quick question.” Argh! And then the 1/10 time he remembers, I’m all anxious just expecting him to break in and interrupt.
OTOH, he is slowly getting better. Just today, he timed his workout during my lunch hour, so I could have my daily nap. (The last few years I have napped at home at lunch during the school year. I LOVE this habit and it is a running joke at work. “Don’t mess with K’s nap time.”) In any case, when I got back I thanked him A LOT for doing this. I do appreciate the effort. And, he will also go to movies alone - Movies that I used to go to to keep him company, but didn’t really care to see. Now I can get some time and save $$$! I will also thank him a lot for that as well! Hopefully, over time it will get better.
and tonight I am going to the movies with him. Not a movie I’m dying to see, but to keep him company… It is a trade-off.
I retired long before my husband and dreaded his being around up In retirement, but it’s been much better than anticipated. The phone call thing drives me crazy…there are only a few people I talk to, but he really dislikes me telling anyone something negative, even though I’m selective about it. But a couple of friends with retired husbands find themselves lowering their voices, just like me, when we get into kvetching about husbands being male people not listening, not going to the doctor soon enough, expecting us to read their mind, etc. Not really a major gripe but kind of annoying.
@abasket I think of retirement as not having a business or all-encompassing work that you are responsible for. It’s not so much about the money as the responsibility. My husband doesn’t make much in his brewery business, but it is all-consuming and he loves it. When he’s not doing the heavy physical labor of brewing, transferring, kegging, sanitizing the equipment, replacing parts, and cleaning the building, he’s on the phone connecting with food vendors, bands, local associations, and customers. And when we were out in Ohio for our son’s graduation and related festivities, he was doing battle with the FDA via emails and phone calls.
Like many of you, I’m an introvert and love my alone time. I also love silence in the car and in my hotel room. But I know that he is the type of person who has to have a project and I do think that if he didn’t have some type of work, he wouldn’t be healthy. He won’t be able to do this work forever (it’s very physically demanding), but I have no doubt that he will do something else.
Had to come back to this thread because I had a nearly three-hour long phone call with my college roommate today. Dh was out doing his Uber driving. He’s no dummy.
My H started working from home around 10 years ago due to illness. I am very grateful that he has been able to telecommute and not having to quit, but it was retirement-like adjustment. He is always around. I really don’t even like doing housework with him in the house. I feel supervised. He works from our living room which does have doors but oh boy do I get the phone thing. I can hear all his calls and when not on calls plays music so loud I have to go in kitchen or upstairs. In retrospect I should have found a job outside the home but at the time his health meant I had full responsibility for HS Ds and all college search and moving in etc. he doesn’t have hobbies anymore since can’t golf due to health and hard to attend sporting events. So he moves form LR office 20 feet to den recliner and that’s it.
He is not tired of working and has great arrangement but it is hard since his coworkers are not in same town so he doesn’t have a chance to socialize with them. H is now past 65 so here’s hoping he can keep going like he
wants to.
Sadly retirement doesn’t seem to look like a time for us to do things together.
Yes and no. In many ways it is much better, but as the stories shared here, the amount of communication and compromise needed to reach this happy place was a little more than we expected. More importantly we realize retirement will continue to evolve as time passes.
We are very unusual because we retired in our forties and have both been unemployed for the last 10 years. Figuring out our turf and optimal daily/weekly lifestyle took time, but with our children still in middle school, we just took things day by day and prioritized our kids’ needs.
Retirement is an evolving process with its own stages. In a few months we’ll become true empty nesters when our son moves out (probably) for good. I think we’ll be fine as things won’t change too much, since we’re used to him being away at school. Yet on some level, it is a little sad. I assume it’s natural to grieve a little for the past. Our kids have been a huge part of our lives…especially since we haven’t had careers for a pretty long time.
I agree with this quote. I think it’s a good idea to temper your expectations. There’s a lot of good, but it can also come with its own difficulties. If only there was a crystal ball and we knew how long we have to live and what condition our bodies will be in at various ages!
We feel very grateful that we’ve been able to assist our aging parents through some difficult transitions. It has taught us a lot and we have shared their journey with our kids.
I completely agree with this quote…though living in the Chicago area, a good deal of our exercise is done indoors. We prioritize keeping active. It helps you feel physically strong. I’ve noticed the mental, emotional and social benefits as well. Finding joy and appreciating the simple things in life can get you through some of the trying times. Challenging yourself and taking responsibility for your own happiness is a large part of retirement.
@88jm19 - “taking responsibility for your own happiness” is huge.
It’s not a spouses responsibility to make the other spouse is “happy.” Much of the effort needs to come from each individual. Certainly compromise is important, and each couple needs to find a new norm, but don’t blame the spouse if you’re unhappy.
I’m past retirement age but still working full-time. Financially I could retire any time. I still enjoy many of the aspects of my work, and I’m always looking to learn something new. But in recent years I’ve grown very weary of the hassles of corporate life and especially office political battles. I was thinking of retirement at the end of this year or maybe next year. But after reading this thread - Wow, I guess I’m going to have to work to the bitter end. I don’t want to ruin W’s life by disrupting the silence of the house or infringing on her “alone time.”
I’m in a slightly different situation. In my marriage, I am the older one, older than my DH by about 6 years. I am about to turn 61, and work part-time out of our home which I’ve done since we had kids. Our mortgage is paid off, our youngest is graduating from college in a couple of weeks, and we would be fine financially if I stopped working, so by my reckoning, I can and should retire now. But DH has many years left in the workforce, and when I mention retirement, he can’t understand why I would do it when he is still years away from it! One thing is that he travels a lot for work, so I do get to tag along more than I used to, but I enjoy my work and don’t really know what else I would do with my time, so I guess I will stay the course for the foreseeable future!
He’s no dummy.