Ridiculous Wedding Gift Requests

[Pizzagirl]

<p>

Thanks, Mafool. A few years ago, some acquaintances invited us to their daughter’s wedding at the W in Manhattan. The problem for us was that it was an ultra formal wedding with all men requested to be in “black tie” attire.

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<p>That’s a pet peeve of mine. I think it’s rude to dictate black-tie to your guests, as if your guests don’t know enough to put on a dark business suit. It’s especially rude towards young people just starting off, for whom the $50 or $75 or whatever a tux costs to rent is a big deal. My dh has a tuxedo so it’s no big deal for him, but still … I wouldn’t do that to my guests. It’s presumptuous, IMO. </p>

<p>

But the gift would not reflect for an instant, what the cost of the wedding is. The kid who elopes will get the same gift consideration as the one who has a gala.

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<p>Exactly. I don’t get the “match the gift to the perceived expenditure,” at all.<br>
My sister had a lavish wedding planned and then decided to downgrade it for personal reasons and do something smaller and less lavish. She’s my only sister – I went over the top in terms of giving her gifts because I adore the heck out of her, whether she was doing a dinner for 400 at the Ritz or her backyard with homemade cake and punch had nothing to do with it. What, I’d give her a lavish gift if she chose the Ritz but a modest gift if she used her backyard? What goofy thinking! It’s like rewarding people for what they’re able to spend. Yuck!!</p>

[Pizzagirl]

<p>

IMO, those extravagant registry items are insulting unless you’re one of the elite set. Some guests might not have the money to spend on such items but feel they are obligated to choose something from the list.

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<p>What’s the definition of “extravagant”? What’s extravagant to the twenty-something just-starting-out friends-of-the-bride-and-groom may not be extravagant at all to, say, the aunts and uncles of the bride who are in their forties and fifties and well established.</p>

<p>BTW, what’s “insulting” about a bride registering for nice china, crystal, etc.? I agree it’s wise to have things at all price levels and not presume that all one’s guests can spend a minimum of $100 on gifts, but I can’t possibly see how nice china and crystal are “insulting.” I think that’s jealousy talking. I’m more than happy to buy that if it fits within the price range I wish to spend for the couple.</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>We give gifts accordingly to how close our relationship is with the couple. For example, my one cousins daughter got married and we gave a check, the reason why is I knew they just bought a home, and knew they were trying to furnish it with curtains, pictures, etc. I had given them an a shower gift from their registry. They sent a lovely note saying what they used the money for, and when I visit they jokingly always say that’s Bullet and Pima’s painting. </p>

<p>My other cousin, the earlier story, was someone I had not seen since he was probably 10 yrs old, thus I had no personal knowledge and used the registry.</p>

<p>In the endI gave the same amount, but just in a different way.</p>

<p>As far as the match the gift with the expenditure I don’t do that, you get the same amount whether you were married at the Ritz or in your backyard. </p>

<p>I am also like you pizzagirl, I am the running joke at the Harris Teeters, because between my coupons and buying only what they have as specials, they see me get in their check out aisle and immediately call over the manager because they know my savings amount will require an override. On Saturday they teased me because I only saved 180 on my original 400 bill, and didn’t break my usual 200 marker. I told them that the WAPO didn’t have any good coupons The guy behind us laughed as the register tape just barely missed hitting the floor! When the kids were younger and I didn’t have to pay college tuition, I use to take all of the savings and hide it in the checkbook i.e. write it in as 400, not 220, by a yr later it would pay for our family trips or Xmas shopping.</p>

<p>I also do one yrly big party, and I don’t regret them. LY it was hs graduation and Bullets retirement, yrs before that we hosted an annual wine tasting party, I did all the cooking, but we always hired people to be bartender and servers, so I could enjoy it and not spend it in the kitchen setting up.</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>Also with Pizza. I have had my formal china for almost 21 yrs now. I use it. My dining room has always been a dust collector. We never eat in there. I fondly call it the dessert room, because when we entertain it is where I set up the desserts. When I am not entertaining it is always set with chargers and my formal china and crystal. </p>

<p>My best friends DD is getting married at the end of June, she has not registered (short notice wedding). I am purchasing her one of my favorite wedding presents Spode Christmas china, we spent yrs together during the holidays, and some might see this as an extravagant gift. I don’t see it that way, I see it as a present for her to remember the decades she ate off this pattern at our home and now starting her own tradition. BTW I asked her Mom first if she thought her DD would want something more practical.</p>

[Pizzagirl]

<p>

Many couples today order thank you cards from their photographer so that a photo from the special day can be included. These can take from three to four months to be received, and then they have to be written.

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<p>That’s a new one on me. Why do I want a picture of the bride / groom? I’ll take one at the wedding if I’m so inclined!</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>Pizzagirl out of curiosity where are you from? When I got married in 88, that was already common practice. I was too cheap to do it, and already had the opinion, that the majority of people who attended my wedding didn’t need a picture. I also still feel that if my children want to pay the money, go for it, but I will tell them that you do realize where the majority of those pictures will end up in as soon as they read the thank you note…the circular filing cabinet!</p>

<p>My personal opinion, but it is the biggest waste of money. It is like the school picture packages, they make you think it is a bargain to buy the big package with everything, and in reality all you needed was the 5 x7 for yourself and the 2 3x5 for the grandparents. Now throw my opinion in the circular filing cabinet…which reminds me I should probably throw away the 50 wallet size sr picture of ds that I still have, since it is 2 yrs later</p>

[alwaysamom]

<p>

It takes 5 minutes to write a thank you note to someone – or these days, with email, even quicker to dash off a quick “I got the xxxx - loved it!” before the written thank you note comes. What excuse do they have for not opening the gifts as soon as they arrive? If nothing else, to ensure they arrived safely / unbroken / the right pattern, etc.

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<p>I think it’s unrealistic to expect a bride to write two thank you cards for each gift, and I certainly would never expect it. A hundred or a hundred and fifty gifts times 5 minutes, if indeed that’s all it took? I can’t think of one wedding I’ve been to, other than my D’s!, where the bride would have had my email address. </p>

<p>Why would someone need an “excuse” not to open the gifts as soon as they arrive? Two of the weddings we went to last year were for couples not living in the same city prior to the wedding, and another where the couple lived in one city and the wedding was happening in her hometown. The gifts were sent to her parents’ house because the newlyweds were moving there after the wedding. The couples wanted to open their gifts together so, no, they didn’t open them as they arrived. </p>

<p>My D and her fiance opened the gifts they received pre-wedding on the day of the rehearsal, which was held at our house, before we all went to the dinner. They wanted to do it with family and wedding party there. Anything that arrived on the day after or on the wedding day were opened when they returned from their honeymoon. Any issue with a gift can be handled at that time, if necessary.</p>

<p>I agree about the black tie issue, although I’ve never been invited to a wedding that specified black tie. My H, even though he owns his own tux, would hate that and would be less happy to attend a wedding that made him wear his tux than he is about weddings normally!</p>

<p>

That’s a new one on me. Why do I want a picture of the bride / groom? I’ll take one at the wedding if I’m so inclined!

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<p>It’s pretty common and has been for years. I think the first one I received was about 15 years ago, maybe more. They’re usually a part of a package that the photographer offers and the couple chooses a photo after seeing the proofs. The photographer that my D used offered a certain number included for no extra $$, if you wanted more then you’d pay for them. She had a fairly small wedding, less than 100 so we didn’t pay any extra for them. I enjoy receiving them from couples whose wedding I’ve attended. I include them in the photo album where I put the photos I’ve taken at the wedding, and it’s always nice to have one of the professional’s photos.</p>

[aibarr]

<p>Goodness. I certainly hope that my wedding guests weren’t sitting around finding fault with the things we did at our wedding… I can understand complaining about a bride who has ten showers and throws you out of the wedding for not bringing a “nice enough” present.</p>

<p>I can’t understand complaining about a bride who doesn’t call immediately when a gift is received, or about a bride who registers for “too much,” or a bride who registers for things like china and crystal, or a bride who invites too many people or too few people, or a bride who has a sit-down meal, or a bride who assigns seats, or a bride who doesn’t get all her thank you notes out within two months, or a bride who has more than one shower (I can tell you, I had to squirm like mad to wriggle out of having more than one), or a bride who didn’t open her gifts immediately to check the condition of everything…</p>

<p>It makes me pretty sad to think that the unforgettable day that my amazing husband and I started our marriage, which I thought was a fun and joyful event, was apparently pretty gauche.</p>

<p>Anybody want to say some nice things they’ve seen at weddings? The bride at the wedding I went to this weekend is fairly prone to cracking up and giggling, and she’s one of those lovely people whose laughter is incredibly infectious. The bride’s sister, who was her maid-of-honor, purchased adhesive moustaches, pirate eyepatches, and fake teeth to distribute to all of the guests during the cocktail hour, who donned them all and cheered as the bride and groom entered the reception hall. The bride took one look and doubled over. It was lovely. =)</p>

[Pizzagirl]

<p>Bulletandpima, I am originally from Phila, family moved to St Louis when I was in high school, went to Chicago for college, married a Chicagoan and stayed up here ever since. I was married in St Louis. Yes, near the arch :-)</p>

[Pizzagirl]

<p>I think there’s a difference between thinking “this is how I prefer to do things” and being negative towards those who do things differently, if that makes sense. For example, I wouldn’t do a cash bar but if I went to a wedding that had one, I wouldn’t spend my time fretting about it or gossiping to other attendees. I’d shrug and move on, kwim?</p>

[beck86nj]

<p>I’m with you on being surprised at how easily offended people are regarding weddings, aibarr. I’m getting married on Saturday. I’m sure we’ll offend a bunch of people even though we’ve sent thank you notes for every gift we’ve gotten so far. After all, we are skipping the seating chart But I trust that the people closest to us will just enjoy the party and skip the overanalyzing.</p>

[kollegkid]

<p>^ congrats beck86nj!</p>

<p>I, for one, enjoy weddings and I would not over-analyze yours!!!</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>I have seen great things at weddings, but before I say them here is a couple of things,</p>

<ol>
<li>Nobody should expect the bride to call and say thank you, unless you are incredibly close, and I mean close.</li>
<li>You should register for every gift that you want. I like the big list, because it gives a person a larger choice in price range, knowing you would be happy with it, then being stiuck with a list that says purchased and you only are left with the 200+ gift to buy,</li>
<li>AS far as showers, have 1, have 5, have 10, just don’t feel compelled to keep sending it to Aunt Sara or the same co-workers. Resentment will build, because you care for the person, so saying no to attending makes you feel guilty and since it is tradition to open presents you feel compelled to buy another gift.</li>
<li>The ceremony between you and your spouse is more important than anything anyone may say. This is a forum, people are speaking anomynously about their opinions. It is something they probably would never say vocally to the bride or to anybody they know.</li>
</ol>

<p>Now my advice I will give to DD, make sure when you walk down the aisle he recognizes you</p>

<p>NOW for the nice things

1. My sister had a beautiful wedding, she made it personal. 70 people. After the reception which was daytime, they did not leave for the traditional honeymoon, instead, we bar hopped through the town.
2. My cousin had their couple portrait matted and their guest book was to sign the mat of the picture. Next to it they had the wedding pictures of their parents, grand parents and great grandparents.
3. My brother’s ceremony venue (clubhouse) did not tell them that the day before their wedding they started renovations, wallpaper was stripped with parts of the paper still on the wall. We all found out 6 hours prior. We went and bought out every balloon at every store to hide it, people never judged the site, but loved the fact at how we tried to rectify it.
4. The groomsmen wrote HELP on one of the grooms shoe and ME on the other, so when he knelt the guests broke out in laughter. The couple couldn’t figure out why.</p>

<p>Bullet and I were out to lunch last fall and our DD said she wanted to go to CLEMSON, VA TECH or NC STATE, Bullet is a UMD alumni, DS1 attends UMD, so they informed her that it was their intention to get everybody to sing M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D, MARYLAND as they enter her reception just to tick her off.(It’s an ACC thing)…she didn’t laugh but we were all on the floor rolling because we know it will happen</p>

<p>Pizza, I am with you I would not have a cash bar for my kids, but I would n’t criticize those who do, some have it for religious reasons, some have it for financial. I look at being invited to a wedding in the view that it was important that they wanted me there. Let’s be real wedding food is not ground shaking, even at the high end, it is banquet food! It is about celebrating the couple, and the couple honored you by asking you to be there to share this important moment.</p>

<p>Beck…good luck, and may I give one piece of advice that my Mom gave me on my wedding day. Don’t worry about the weather, the flowers that weren’t what you ordered, the food, the band, and how the dyed shoes didn’t match the bridesmaid dresses, etc. IT IS ALL OUT OF YOUR CONTROL NOW, INSTEAD LOOK AT HIM AND ONLY HIM because 20 yrs later you won’t remember what went wrong, what went right, what you ate, the name of the band/dj, but you will remember his face when he took your hand and placed that ring on your finger. You will never get that back.</p>

<p>Now for levity, the other thing you will remember is that you will need help going to the bathroom if you have the traditional wedding gown, and how you will constantly remind him during the pictures that his arm around your back on top of your veil is giving you whiplash :eek: He will probably step on your train too and you might hear the horrific sound of rip as you walk foward, but what the H*ll are you ever going to wear it again?</p>

[beck86nj]

<p>Haha… no veil, and the dress doesn’t touch the floor and isn’t poofy so I think we’ll escape those particular memorable events :-)</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>Good for you!</p>

<p>IMHO my sisters dress was the most beautiful (Mine was the typical 10 ft train, Demetrios gown, I was 23), hers was classic(she was 30 and wiser!). The only way to explain it is to describe I Love Lucy, she had these long jackets, but underneath was a dress or pant suit. Her dress was a heavy ivory jacquard off the shoulders (1950 style) that buttoned at the waist and came close to the floor. When she took off the jacket, it was a bustier dress that was knee length. My own DD wants nothing to do with my gown, but to wear her aunts…too bad she is 6 inches shorter and very tiny physically…at 17 5’2 she looks like a 6 yr old wearing Mommy’s clothes…sis is 5"8!</p>

[cangel]

<p>Hhmm, there are a lot of “wedding customs”. I guess I have 2 universal wedding “tackies” and everything else to me is a matter of taste and opinion, and my opinion might be different from someone else’s.
Universal tacky #1 - not acknowledging a gift as soon as practical, with a corollary being not sending a written thank you - I’m old fashioned about this one, e-mail doesn’t count as the official thank you note, although it would be OK as an acknowledgement, under some circumstances when followed by a written note. I’ve never heard of this sending a picture thing, sounds nice for relatives, why not use a nice engagement photo so it is ready at the time? I guess that wouldn’t show everyone in their finery. And, yes, I keep mental track of whether I got a thank you for a wedding gift, that’s how I know the gift got there.</p>

<p>Universal tacky #2 - inviting the same people to half a dozen showers without speaking to them personally, ie co-workers, more distant relatives, etc. a corollary is putting anyone into a position where they feel they need to get one more gift than is proper. People who get invited to more than one shower should be close enough to the bride or groom, to be comfortably told, “we/I are very grateful for all you have done, we wanted you to know that you were included/welcome, please don’t worry about a/nother gift”</p>

[UMDAD]

<p>I haven’t read the entire thread, but from what I have read it is obvious that things have changed dramatically since W and I were married in 1980.</p>

<p>Looking back through the years, I can say that I was way too uptight about things and W was too lacksadaisacal. We must have balanced things out because in the end, it all worked out. Large outdoor wedding (300+) but very laid back. People still tell us it was a great wedding.</p>

[Consolation]

<p>

I’d conservatively estimate that half the dresses we looked at needed fairly major repairs. The most common was a broken zipper.

</p>

<p>One of my nieces had her zipper come completely apart DURING the reception! Her sisters came and got me, and we rushed upstairs to a room where I sewed her into her very fitted dress, all the way up the back. Thank doG some well-equipped bridesmaid had a spool of white thread and a needle, and I was still sober! I am not a seamstress, but thankfully it held for the rest of the evening and was not visible. Whew! (Their faith in me was flattering, I must say.)</p>

[somemom]

<p>I agree with so much of what is posted, especially thank you notes. I know some etiquette rules state one year from the wedding, but how does any one know if you got the package in time to file a claim if you don’t send out the notes promptly.</p>

<p>In the early 90s I had the store send a gift of crystal to my nephew, no note. In a note to his parents a couple of months later I asked them to make sure my gift arrived, I never hear back from any one; to this day I have no idea if the gift I paid for arrived or not. </p>

<p>I have had items sent and mis-delivered, so it is important to check.</p>

<p>Another nephew was sent an item I ordered from an online site, my sister happened to be there the day it arrived and let me know it was there, but as far as I know I never got a thank you note :(</p>

<p>I struggle with the open vs cash bar and am luckily no where near having to decide yet! We don’t drink much, but have friends who drink both a large volume and expensive brands. We have them over to dinner often and it is BYOB because they have key brands they want and they are also always trying some new thing. I don’t really want to pay for their hobby I would hate to fund a hosted bar for a roomful of people like those couples! They drink so much at one time it is impressive.</p>

[BunsenBurner]

<p>

Now for levity, the other thing you will remember is that you will need help going to the bathroom if you have the traditional wedding gown

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<p>Oh yeah, one episode of the TLC show featured the “going to the bathroom” scene. It took a lot of time and a lot of “skillz” to fit that puffy gown and the person wearing it into the tiny bathroom stall. That’s why a bride should be very nice to her bridesmaids! :)</p>