<p>Calling the parent does put him/her on notice that others parents care. However, there are a number of folks out there who will outright lie, but more often take the “3 Monkeys” approach. They won’t provide the booze or sanction it, but pretend not to notice it nor take action to make sure it isn’t being snuck in there by participants. </p>
<p>A big problem I have noticed about some of these parties is that the door is not being policed to make sure that only invited guests are coming. Around here, word often gets out that there is a party happening, and friends of friends end up coming to the point that there are people there that are more than 6 degrees of separation from knowing the host or maybe anyone there. </p>
<p>I had horrible fights with my sons about such parties they wanted to attend. I cannot understand why any parent would permit an “open house” party where anyone can come who hears about it, but they do happen. All of the time. I would not permit my kids to go to parties when they and I did not know the family hosting it. Now that they are young adults, there isn’t anything much I can do about it except to caution them about the dangers particularly if there are minors at these parties.</p>
<p>The other problem is “party hopping”. Your kid gets your permission to go to A’s party which you have vetted. An hour into the evening, some kids there are leaving to go to B’s, of which you have no knowledge. Your kid goes off with those friends, and since the door isn’t being monitored, there are a bunch of such kids at the party. Anything goes wrong, your kid is likely to be in trouble as one of the crashers.</p>
<p>For big parties, I will from now on pay the $250 to have a security officer on the premises. This worked really well for the h.s. grad party that we and 4 other families hosted a few weeks ago. It was outside at an open air pavillion type of place and the live music attracted a number of passersby (some with bottles of beer in hand). They turned around immediately when they saw the security officer and the 3 parents sitting at the entrance checking names from a spreadsheet. (I realize this sounds like an expensive party, but it actually wasn’t too bad, and people looked like they had fun.)</p>
<p>OP here: Sorry if it wasn’t clear–I didn’t say (and don’t know) that the mother of the host served any alcohol. My dd said she was on premises. I expect that either she went off to her bedroom/other hiding place before the drinking started or she turned a blind eye to it (and likely to the odor of pot).</p>
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<p>As far as the party goes, I’m no parent, but I can’t really sympathize with those who would call the police. Alcohol cops are reminiscent of the gestapo down here, and a parent would almost certainly end up in jail or with a large fine if someone reported a party at their house. If it is a grad party, most of those kids will be doing the exact same thing in 2 months when they get to college anyways. As long as they aren’t drinking and driving or making an excessive amount of noise (if you are a neighbor), I would let it slide. Let the parents and their kids deal with the mess that resulted; you have to know when you decide to host a party that things are going to get broken, things are going to get damaged.</p>
<p>This is a guide to parents about teen parties that was developed by a parents’ group at an independent school in an affluent part of the SF Bay Area, distributed to all parents at that school as well as at other independent schools in the area, sometimes complemented by speakers and parent discussions at the school. It can help to get parents on the same page or at least help each family clarify expectations and guidelines.</p>
<p>The Saturday night before this HS party happened, our neighbors had a “graduation party” (they do this several times a summer). HUNDREDS of kids (I counted), often screaming; double parked cars holding up traffic and other irate drivers leaning on their horns; refrigerator-sized speakers blasting the most horrible bass-heavy music. My house shook, I couldn’t sleep; people blocked our driveway, walked all over our lawn, threw garbage on the sidewalks and street. </p>
<p>I called the cops several times, as did my neighbors. When a car finally came, the girl’s uncle sauntered over to it, had a few words with the officers, and they drove away. The noise level remained deafening until at least 4:00 AM when I finally passed out from exhaustion–I couldn’t go to bed because my bedbound mother sleeps on the first floor, and if she woke up, I’d have to try to help her go back to sleep. Amazingly, she slept through it).</p>
<p>We’re at our wits’ end. LE won’t enforce the law; a lot of these guys were teen drinkers themselves. That’s summer in the city.</p>
<p>Thanks, though, to Modadunn and getalifemom for your kind words. I’m just glad my DD didn’t inherit the family curse. </p>
<p>I must also say that I know of some parents who would rather that any drinking went on in their home so THEY don’t have to wonder where their kids are!</p>
<p>I’m a little curious about the size of these high schools. My son started high school in a small, private school but later switched to a large public one. At the smaller school I coudl tell that drinking was going to be an issue as many of the parents there had a permissive attitude towards it. Once my son was in the large public school, he didn’t have any trouble finding friends that weren’t partiers. They didn’t have any trouble finding things to do and I always welcomed them at our house, so he didn’t have to deal with any social pressure. I ran into the mom of one of his private school buddies when we were doing grad. invitations, and she said her son mostly sat home senior year because the rest of the class was drinking. I could see it headed in that direction, and that was a factor in why I got my son out of there. </p>
<p>Do you think school size plays any part in this? Just curious.</p>
<p>Helenback, I don’t know what role school size plays in this. I’ve known small schools with a lot of problems with this sort of thing, and some with hardly an episode. In a given school,the situation can vary from year to year depending on the kids in the mix. I guess that a heavy duty personality and some prime events can affect a smaller class more whereas it can be lost in the numbers in the large schools. </p>
<p>I have known parents in the same school swearing to different drinking/party/drug scenes . It is all dependent on perspective.</p>
<p>My good friend’s 8th grade daughter asked her to have a last school day party at her house. It started as a small 20 kids party, quickly it became 40. Some parents even called her to make sure she was going to be there and no alcohol. It didn’t even occur to her there could be alcohol at an 8th grade late afternoon party.</p>
<p>The day of the party, she made up many excuses to go down to the basement to check up on the kids. She told us the kids were very good, the only strange thing was every time she went down stairs some kid would start flicking the light. One of the moms then told her it was kids’ signal that an adult was coming. She told us that some kids were so polite, they asked for some garbage bags to help with the clean up. Someone asked her if she’s checked her garbage for empty bottles. My friend felt so naive. She is wondering if there was drinking, what parents at the school must be thinking of her (our kids go to a small school where we all know each other).</p>
<p>She should have turned the uninvited kids away or at least called a friend to help her supervise. The lights should have been a dead giveaway. I think she should have moved the party upstairs or even out in the backyard, where she could keep an better watch over them.</p>
<p>The light trick in itself doesn’t necessarily imply that there was drinking to me; heck, they could have been playing “7 minutes in heaven” or another such game that they don’t want an adult to see. The trash bags are another story, though. Hard to believe that they were cleaning up solely to be helpful.</p>
<p>Small schools may have bigger problems. Our small school has a very high percentage of kids drinking alcohol (70% of seniors drank during the last year) compared to the neighboring large schools. Our drug usage is much lower (20%), though, according to the same student surveys. It helps to know most of the kids and the parents.</p>
<p>Have to agree with this. I went to a small, private high school and about 95% of our seniors (myself included) drank regularly during high school. Those who were straight-edge fell during their first semester in college; I know of only one person from my graduating class who still doesn’t drink. Aside from a few drinking tickets, everyone ended up alright though. No DUI’s, no drunk accidents, can’t even remember a party ever being busted even though they happened every single weekend.</p>
<p>Those kids were all invited at the end because the daughter pulled a “so and so found out, would it be ok to invite her/him also.” My friend had people in the house to help with food and drinks. She said next party there’ll be security guards. She was caught off guard. </p>
<p>My D2 in the same class was not invited because they probably were afraid she would tell. She is often left out because the school is small. Same thing happened to D1 when she was in 9th and 10th grade. We eased up in D1’s Junior spring because we wanted her to have more of a social life, but she also demonstrated a lot of maturity at that point. She didn’t betray our trust. We’ll see what happens with D2. We may do the same if she demonstrates similar type of maturity.</p>
<p>No. I’m saying that for whatever reason, the class I graduated with was fortunate and nothing too bad happened as the result of our drinking. When I spoke of the straight-edge students “falling” once they got to college, I wasn’t talking about their grades or academic performance. They just succumbed to the pressure and began drinking as well. There were only a couple of these people, but they are still doing quite well in school. Among those that drank regularly during high school (like I said, the vast majority of my small class), their performance ranged from dropout to dean’s list. Some people can handle the drinking, and others unfortunately find out the hard way that they can’t.</p>
<p>My son graduated from a small high school. He was one of those kids who knew everyone well and kept well in touch. His class was one that had a lot of problems with drinking, drugs, parties, police issues, etc. A record number of expulsions and other problems. </p>
<p>Still most of the kids are out in 4 years and most of those who are not took a valuable gap year of sorts. However, those kids who dropped out of college are the ones who clearly had addiction type behaviors in high school. Both have been in programs and institutions for substance abuse problems. </p>
<p>I worry about my kids, particularly one of them. The one who worries me the most is not the one who is opportunistic with his problems as much as easily being brought into the scene just because his associates are doing it. There is a difference.</p>
<p>This is all really sad. These parties also sound like they’re not much fun. Security guards, parents policing, kids smuggling in drugs and alcohol, theft, vomiting, destruction of property… </p>
<p>Why is there so much risky and illegal activity amongst kids in the U.S.? Maybe this isn’t the place, but I am just shaking my head in disbelief. Teenage drinking has been much discussed on cc before, but this is just so off-the-charts.</p>
<p>Anyone have any theories about why there is so much ugly behavior at teen parties? Or am I asking the wrong question?</p>
<p>To be fair, all of my D1’s 16 friends drank in HS. It’s more of taboo because of drinking age. They all got into very good colleges. Now raising juniors, they spend a lot less time drinking or partying. They are all more focused on studying abroad and getting an internship. This summer at home, D1 has only gone to one party in NYC.</p>
<p>Parents in the States get security guards sometimes because they are afraid being sued. We call the cops and sue each other over every smallest thing. At least with security guards, you have the appearance of getting a crap. I don’t believe teenagers in the States are any worse than teenagers in other countries. There is just less liability outside of this country. When my brother lived in HKG, kids were regularly having parties at home with only hired help at home.</p>