Roadtrip

Parent Cafe
21

@yikespa - The answer would also be no in my house. I would never have needed my daughter to prove to me she was responsible prior to going to college by taking an unchaperoned trip when she was 17! I already KNOW she is responsible. But that doesn’t mean I would let her go off on this little adventure. As pretty much every other poster has said, there are just too many opportunities for something to go wrong.

Whose cabin is this anyway? If you are renting, I would be very suspicious of someone willing to rent to a group of 17/18 year olds. Who is putting down the deposit? Another parent or a kid? I certainly would not want to be that person.

But to answer your direct question, the only way I possibly could see it working is for your mom to tag along, which you mention you are not opposed to. You mention that she knows the other parents. Could she possibly drum up interest in doing a mom’s getaway weekend that same time? They could stay with you or in a nearby cabin and be able to check up on you from time to time. Or, instead of a mom’s weekend, maybe your family could make a little trip out of it. This way, god forbid anything horrible happens, there would be a parent close by.

22

The cabin is a family members, and we already have a set agenda for the trip. I am considering her to come alone and maybe stay nearby. However some people have issues with certain parents, and they don’t want them to go.

23

So, after reading this thread, I realize that I am probably establishing myself in the eyes of the CC community as an irresponsible parent. This did come up in our house, and I DID allow it. My kid was off to college in a few months, I knew the friends, and all the parents and kids agreed to certain ground rules. (And no, none of the parents went.) It is a bit of a tradition in the area where we live for kids to do this at graduation or prom. (While it wasn’t a tradition that I grew up with, I did know that this was the norm and that generally, the kids were as responsible as the group they went off with.)

All the kids and all the parents had to read the liability waiver for the house (which a parent rented.) And they all had to sign it. The ground rules included no drinking, no overnight guests who were not part of the renting group, no going anywhere in a car after a certain time at night, everyone activated “track my phone” during the drive to and from, and every parent had some arrangement to stay in touch with their kid (whether by text, phone, face time, etc.)

I think that you DO need to have a conversation with your mom about why this matters so much to you and you need to listen really carefully to the concerns that she has. You MAY be able to find some common ground, whether she drives with you and stays nearby, allows you to go for the day, or something else. She may be worried about certain friends, the distance from home, etc. Try to be patient. I can say, as a parent, that this is really scary for us!

I was nervous when my kid wanted to do this because I remember being that age and recalled all too well how situations could easily get out of control (even if I wasn’t part of the out of control part.) We have always had an understanding in our house that my kid could call in ANY situation that had become unsafe or uncomfortable and I would suspend judgement in order to help out. I made it clear that even though they were hours away, this was still the case.

If you have been trustworthy, your mom may surprise you if you approach it maturely.

24

What kind of issues?

25

@yikespa

Do the owners of this cabin KNOW that some of the folks staying there are under 18…and do they know there are ten of you?

You know…they have liability issues to consider as well. Be honest up front.

As the details unfold…,my answer is more firmly NO. Ten HS seniors…some over 18 and some younger…and some male and some female?

And no adult along? No.

26

@gardenstategal thankyou so so much that was very helpful!

27

@thumper1 yes they are aware and we set like common housing rules for the trip!

28

@yikespa

Our kids went with friends for prom and graduation…but NOT three hours away. It sounds like you want to do this just for fun.

You know…this isn’t going to prove your maturity…or anything else.

Isn’t there something special you and your friends could do closer to home? Why is a road trip necessary? You really haven’t told us why this is NECESSARY. You have told why you want to do this…but there is no clear evidence that you NEED to.

You are under 18.

29

I let my boys do road trips at 17-18 long distances. But they had to have a good vehicle. They had to have a plan where they were stopping each night and they had to check in everyday. And they had to have the $$ in place not only for gas but for food and emergency money. 169 miles is nothing like a cross country drive and the kids started doing trips that long a lot but I would, as a parent, still want a decent vehicle being used and a plan in place.

For a cabin-type trip, I would want to know who the cabin belonged to and where the liability issues fell.I know some of my fondest memories and my husband’s fondest memories were camping trips with mixed-sex friends our senior year of high school so I always “got” the kids’ desire to do a get-away. Yes, there are always the drinking worries, the someone getting hurt worries and all that, but as a parent I always felt that those issues magically didn’t go away based on age…kids go off to college with all the same issues so making a distinction between 17 and 18 or 19 can sometimes be meaningless. And knowing where they were should a rescue be needed and them knowing they could call for a rescue was an important lesson and just another step toward independence.

30

When we lived abroad, my kid’s school had a graduation party (not sponsored by school) that involved flying, staying at a hotel and the drinking age was 18. I was hesitant, but we ended up going on the trip and staying at a nearby hotel just in case something should happen.

In the States, with people being so vigilant about drinking (and driving), I would only let my kid go if there were adult chaperons. I may trust my kid, but if other kids should decide to drink or do drugs or do damage to the property, without an adult there my kid could end up in jail if police were to be called in, and if my kid is under 18 I may be liable and be sued for negligent.

OP - see if you could get few parents to go and stay at a nearby place, so they could just check up on you from time to time. If you are not going to do anything illegal, it shouldn’t cramp your style.

31

I think alot also depends on if the parents know the other parents and know the kids. This was true of all of my kids’ friends - we knew their parents well and we knew the kids. We knew who had gotten in trouble for alcohol or parties before and who hadn’t. Rare would be the time that anything could happen without one of us parents finding out, knowing, etc. Personally I always liked when it was guys and girls…for some reason those weekends were tamer stories than the all-boys weekends which can end up less than tame - my oldest ended up with a snapping turtle on the end of his finger on one of those getaway weekends. Weekends when parents were around is good if you trust the parents although I don’t know if a parents there weekend would have ended up without the snapping turtle - canoes are so dangerous you know LOL. So yes, although it’s only 169 miles, which in Michigan is just really not that far, perhaps your parents could be closer if that makes them feel safer and they are willing to loosen the leash so to speak.

Finally, OP, every parental dynamic is going to be different as you can see. There are some parents that are more relaxed about the late teens growing up process and independence and their are others that are going to say no, no matter what – for as long as you are a “dependent.” Asking all of us what we think is only going to show you that parents are different. I also raised boys, not girls, so I have no idea if I would feel differently about a girl vs. a guy. And my boys never got into any serious trouble on their getaways other than a finger injury and if they had, perhaps I’d feel differently. Probably not, but I will never know.

32

When D was a HS junior, I refused to let her go to the Jersey Shore with her prom date and his friends, all seniors. I didn’t really know any of them, other than that they were wealthy kids who had their own cars. I didn’t like the idea and I didn’t know any of the other parents well enough to call them and ask.

The following year, her senior year, I allowed her to go out to the Hamptons for a long weekend after prom. The difference was that I knew the parents who owned the house and they were staying with friends out there locally to supervise. I also knew the group of kids, a mixed group of 17 and 18 year olds; my D was one of the younger ones.

Ditto with S17, who was allowed to go out to a friend’s house for a long weekend after his prom in a mixed group. The host was one of his closest friends since 2d grade, so I know the parents extremely well and trusted them. She sent out lists of rules before hand and violation was a reason to have your parents called to pick you up. S17 had a blast and he said that the kids appreciated the rules because they knew where they stood.

33

D1 also did a co-ed sleep over at a friend’s house after her senior prom. The parents were in the house and they had rules in trying to keep the kids safe. There was drinking, but the parents stayed up all night to supervise (I don’t know what they were thinking when they volunteered to do this).

34

My DD and DS also went on post prom overnights. In DD’s case, they were staying at a townhouse owned by one of the parents…and the grandparents lived…downstairs and were there. In DS’s case, they went to a lake house, again owned by parent friends…who were next door.

Neither of our kids went to the BIG “we invited everyone in the class” sleepover.

Also, in both cases where our kids went, I spoke to the families who owned the properties…to be sure they knew who was coming…how many, etc. and to ask about adult supervision.

This is sort of sad/funny. DD was invited to this overnight event. I asked for the phone number of the parents…and she went nuts…saying I didn’t trust her…blah blah blah. But I was clear…no phone number…no conversation with family…and she wasn’t going. Here is how the call went:

Me: I’m calling because my DD is invited to a party at your home…just checking to make sure you know this is happening and my DD is on the invitation list.

Other Parent: yes, our kiddo is having a party here.

Me: will you be there for the party?

Other Parent: (long pause) I don’t know.

We said NO…didn’t let kid go. She was really annoyed…but later found out a LOT of her friends were not going…same reason. Parents didn’t KNOW if they were going to be there? Really?

It’s funny because our kids are 30 ish now…and that instance has been discussed a number of times. Both agree…we were responsible in our decisions.

35

I get that it sounds fun. Go ahead and ask and see what happens. It would seem you are afraid to ask because you “know” the answer is probably going to be “no”.

But ask. And be prepared for any answer.

Some things you just have to wait for even though it sounds like fun and others are doing it. You WILL live! Maybe a year from now will be a better time - you’ll have a semester under your belt and your parent(s) will have had a semester to see you living independently. Plan an overnight or two for next Christmas break - it will be a good time to catch up with friends who are truly friends but have scattered for college - but all likely coming home for the holiday break Christmas 2018.

36

18 is not a magic number and kids don’t turn into adults overnight. My response would very much depend on what I think about my kid’s and the friends’ maturity. Some 16 years old would be perfectly fine and some 20 years old shouldn’t really be allowed anywhere without supervision (considering all the frat horror stories).

37

To these sorts of questions from our kids we applied the “What were they thinking?” test.

For any planned action or event involving teenagers, if something bad happened, would a reasonable person when reading about it in the newspaper or police report be likely to say: “The parents let those kids do that? What were they thinking?”

If it couldn’t pass the"What were they thinking?" test the answer to the kid was No.

38

OP, I would say this is much less about your personal reliability, and much more about a group of young adults’ ability to problem solve safety and behavioral issues as they may arise. Most people your age don’t have enough life experience to see a problem forming, know what to do about it, and put a collaborative plan into action. For you, this is no big deal. For parents, we imagine tragic headlines and the like. We’ve all had enough life experience to know that things can go sideways pretty quickly even under perfect circumstances. They almost always do, to some extent.

I would approach your mom with " this is our best-case plan, but we’re open to suggestions". I would approach parents with a list of who has committed to going and have the parents get together. Or at least some of them. See if there’s a compromise sort of weekend to be planned.

I would never have let my kids do this, btw. It was in fact a local tradition of richer families, but the potential for trauma of many kinds at a coed vacation house is a risk I was not willing to take.

39

Don’t lie about who’s going or not going.

We had our situation with my eldest and a weekend party.
She had been invited, 16-18 yr olds.

Our daughter “ Thelma Lou” knew that I neither I, nor her father, had given her permission to attend the party because we hadn’t been able to check out the information

We soon started hearing from our daughter about who was going.
The latest bunch were the athletes and kids with good grades who were going (my kid’s friends).

I finally got a hold of one of the parents, who told me that when she heard that ThelmaLou was going, she knew that it was going to be OK because I would have checked them out.
I told her that I hadn’t been able to get a hold of a parent that was going to be supervising, and that we had told our daughter, “no”.
Somehow word got around that ThelmaLou had been given permission to go, which was absolutely untrue.

Apparently, I had the reputation with the neighborhood parents, that if I allowed our daughter to participate in an activity, that I had thoroughly checked the situation. (“Is ThelmaLou going?”)

So my husband and I sat with our daughter and said, “We don’t know why people think you’re going to the party, but we can’t get a hold of a supervising parent so you’re not going.” The language and use of the word “trust” was thrown around a lot, but we kept repeating our broken record “we trust you,we just don’t trust other kids” (look at the current mess they put us into).

So what ended up happening was the “cautious” parents soon found out that our child was not going then started pulling their teens. We took our child and a couple of her friends to the movies that night. We had heard that the other teens, who went to the party, got in trouble because there was drinking and other illegal smoke activities going on, cops came because there was a fight.

Unsupervised underage children have no business going on a weekend free-for-all with minimal supervision. Who cares that you haven’t had a get together before you go off in your colleges; it’s not that big a deal. You’re going to be going to graduation parties, same thing. I gather that those are supervised, so that’s why you guys don’t want to do that.

40

@momofthreeboys thank you!!