Romance in the 7th grade

Parent Cafe
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<p>Well, my dear and only son started the 7th grade on yesterday, and today I found a note, unsigned, asking “will you go out with me, yes or no.” I wonder where they are going, lol. He circled “yes,” and per the instructions will be giving her the note back on Monday in 3rd period. </p>

<p>Last week he posted under my screen name on the high school boards here. I had no idea until I began to get responses in the email and I knew it had been weeks since I had lasted posted on here. Is this the beginning of the teen years? :)</p>

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<p>quopoe~</p>

<p>I’ve got a “sevie” son myself, and yes, this <em>IS</em> the beginning of the teen years!!</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my sevie (second son, fourth child out of six) has been a girl magnet for AGES now. <em>lol</em> :wink: All through elementary school, he was the <em>only</em> boy invited to too many girl parties to count! In sixth grade, it REALLY revved up with numerous girls calling him DAILY. </p>

<p>I get SO amused by the middle school “going out” process. Rule #1: if you’re REALLY interested in someone, you NEVER talk to him/her. You send your FRIEND to do that! :smiley: Rule #2: If you are “going out,” you NEVER, EVER, EVER see that person. <em>ROFLAMO</em> Rule #3: Never stay with someone for more than a week. <em>sigh</em></p>

<p>My oldest son is a college sophomore, and even HE’S jealous of his little brother’s way with the women. Guess all it takes is a shy demeanor and a mischievious smile. Then, you’re good to go!</p>

<p>Best of luck maneuvering your way through these FUN years!!</p>

<p>BTW, let us know what “the answer” is in 3rd period on Monday!! ha ha</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>My son had an honest-to-God middle school romance. It was a little on-again, off-again – mostly “on” in 6th and 8th grades, mostly “off” in 7th – but it didn’t follow any of berurah’s “rules”. It began (and ended) as a real friendship, and the couple spent a lot of time together, including before they decided to “date”. In fact, there was very limited “dating” involved, although there was some. Mostly it was hanging out together at lunch and free periods at school (summers were spent apart), lots of mutual support on the phone and via IM, and group activities on weekends. </p>

<p>– Everything about it was the girl’s idea. It followed her fantasies; my son was pretty obviously along for the ride, although he was happy to do that. He struggled to hold up his end of the fantasy, though, which was what produced the off-again periods. (If I had understood the developmental differences between 13-year-old girls and boys when I was 13, I think I would have jumped out a window.)</p>

<p>– At the outset, the relationship caused a lot of anxiety among the parents of other kids in their class. I spent a lot of time reassuring them that this was not hyper-sexualized early maturity rearing its ugly head, just a couple of friends where the girl had decided to call my son her “boyfriend”. (There WAS a little bit of premature maturity about it, though. Luckily, my son was too immature to go along with a lot of that.)</p>

<p>– There was an enormous coolness gap between them. The girl was very high prestige: great student, great athlete, universally admired by parents and kids alike. My son was . . . a nice, sweet boy. It was quite amusing to see how some people – say, his older sister’s friends – changed their reactions to him when they found out that “she picked him.” He found he liked the prestige, and started to strut a little, which probably would have happened anyway.</p>

<p>– She broke his heart. She wrote him what may be the nicest Dear John letter ever written by a 14-year-old, but she broke his heart, and then broke it again the following fall when she failed to keep her promise to remain friends. It took him a year or more to start to get over it, and in the process he passed on some awfully nice girls who were showing interest. He’s a senior now, two not-so-close girlfriends and many girls-who-are-friends down the line, but I’m not at all certain that he’s completely over it now.</p>

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<p>JHS – your post confirms something I suspect about boys in their early teens: they seem very vulnerable. And completely under the spell of – and thumbs of !-- their girl peers, who are more mature, more confident and possibly more maniuplative. They may be tall, pimply and mouthy – but inside, so many of them are still like little boys.</p>

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<p>JHS~</p>

<p>I have known of a couple of “honest-to-God” middle school romances myself. When <em>I</em> was in middle school, there was a couple which stayed together throughout 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grades. Both of the kids were good academic students and athletic kids. They did not end up together…each ended up marrying someone else, but the romance was real and apparently sustaining over many years.</p>

<p>There was also a couple in my son’s graduating class which had been together since middle school. I’m not sure if the two are together still, but most likely they are since neither went very far to college.</p>

<p>I even know of one couple, now in their mid-fifties, who met as 12-year-olds and were together ever since!</p>

<p>These are, though, the exceptions rather than the rules.</p>

<p>For MY son, I’m kinda GLAD that the “rules” apply! I’m NOT ready for a 5-6 year commitment for him <em>lol</em>. My oldest son, a college sophomore, has been with HIS gf for two years now, and they are still going strong. This is a MUCH better age for this sort of thing, IMHO. </p>

<p>I am sorry that your son’s heart was broken…it is VERY hard, as a parent, to watch this helplessly and to realize that you cannot just “fix” it as you can so many other things. It sounds like he’s in a better place now, but these early experiences DO shape our attitudes, trust levels, etc. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>JHS’ story is a poignant one, but I have to laugh at the “rule” my S and his 5th grade friends developed when girls started calling them. (These boys were flattered but really not all that interested; would rather be playing street hockey or whatever). There was only one rule, explained by S’ best friend to his mother: “We have to be nice to them now, Mom; because if we’re not, they won’t call us in the 8th grade when we really care.”</p>

<p>Strategic planning, middle-school boy style. :D</p>

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<p>I was in what was to me a “very serious relationship” in 7th grade – he was the older half-brother of my younger brother’s friend, and came to visit our town in the summers. We “started dating” in the summer and stayed together for 8 months, until he broke up with me via letter on Valentine’s Day. (<em>Sob!</em>)</p>

<p>I wrote a very angry letter to him after he broke up with me, which I apparently never sent – I found it in a drawer last weekend when I was home. It was a howler – all this stuff about everlasting love and promises of marriage… like JHS’s son, I think our relationship was all me and very little him!</p>

<p>I’ll note that my parents first held hands at a party in sixth grade, and they are still together 36 years later. :)</p>

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<p>I have to agree, middle school girls are definitely more socially mature than boys. Imagine my surprise when I opened up my 13 year old son’s yearbook on the last day of school last year to find the inside covered with signatures and notes from girls exclaiming ‘what a hottie’ my son was, and “i luv u - please call” followed by phone numbers. I’m not talking one or two comments. Every comment by a girl was pretty out there. My very, very naive son was so embarrassed. And I was frantically trying to remember if my own now-college-age daughter was doing the same thing to some poor boy when she was in 7th grade. :-)</p>

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<p>As a middle school teacher, let me just say welcome to my life:) Oh the stories I could tell. Sometimes these “romances” take on a life of their own in middle school culture and every friend or wannabe friend gets involved at some point (usually when one of them - most often the girl - decides to break up). So much drama at times. I’m back to school on Monday, so I guess I better get ready. They do keep me young and hip (?), but I 'm not sure about sane!!! Gotta love them:)</p>

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<p>I hope you can all enjoy what you see as this innocent beginning of romance. I hate to tell you what goes on in the 7th grade in many communities. Even back when my son was in 7th grade (college freshman now) there was sexual activity. Those of you with kids in the “popular” social crowd, just keep your eyes open. Watch for girls with different colored plastic wristbands and “lipstick” parties. It can all be too much for the young boys to handle. I speak from experience.</p>

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<p>My son’s an 8th grader and this all sounds too familiar. (going out not momofwildchild’s experience). The girls seem to have all the power and cook up the social doings. I was teasing my son about it last night. “what is she, like Ash on Pokemon? ‘I choose you!!’ Don’t you have a say in any of this?” The boys kind of let the girls call the shots. I find the girls to be very aggressive with all of that calling etc. I guess the whole “nice girls don’t call boys” that I was brought up with is out the window!</p>

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<p>I’m with you on this, MomofWildChild. It seems that many middle school relationships among the popular kids do get way out of hand at WAY TOO EARLY of an age. A lot of it seems to be encouraged by parents who think “it’s so cute” for their kids to go to parties, movies, etc. with a boyfriend or girlfriend. My husband and I are quite old-fashioned when it comes to dating. Our girls were not allowed to date until age 16, and we would never allow them to have company of either sex in our household if one of us was not at home. I would never even have allowed my girls to go to a movie with a boy while they were in middle school; that’s really just pushing the dating scene a bit too early. </p>

<p>One thing that I’ve noticed as a high school teacher is that a lot of the “popular” girls do seem to “hit on” younger guys, many of whom find themselves in uncomfortable situations and doing things that they will regret later. Girls do “seem to have all the power,” dke, and the guys do not know how to handle it. It starts in middle school, but it continues into high school. I was raised also, dke, with “nice girls don’t call boys,” and I’m still highly in favor of that old policy.</p>

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<p>I’m with you, Memie, in that I see parents of the girls encouraging the parties and going to the movies on dates, etc. My son asked me about that and I told him no one on one dating like that for QUITE awhile. Why do parents push all of that? Kids have their whole lives ahead of them for it. Why rush it? Plus its distracting, the drama, phoning etc. Give me a break!</p>

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<p>My suggestion is to keep your eyes wide open to see where you think things are going. My oldest’s class had the “best” and worst of middle school romances.</p>

<p>The best … meaning the entertaining … a bunch of the girls who were good friends decided they wanted boyfriends, got together and decided who should have which boy as a boyfriend and made assignments … this mostly involved who they hung out next to at group stuff like class picnics. Since these girls were such good friends and some girls got better picks in the initial assignments every 2-3 weeks they would switch all the boyfriends so all the girls were treated evenly. The best part of all this … none of the guys knew they had had 3-4-5 grilfriends in 7th grade. Pretty innocent.</p>

<p>The bad … kids can no longer hangout on our school grounds after dark … this is the final incident that drove this rule. An 8th grade girl was performing oral sex for a group of boys from the neighboring town at night behind he school … when these boys girlfriends found out they come over and a pretty nasty fight broke out. All the kids involved were middle schoolers.</p>

<p>From my limited experience middle school boyfriend/girlfriend stuff seems to be pretty bimodel … the vast majority is pretty innocent … but a few kids think they’re ready for some pretty adult stuff.</p>

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<p>^ “the vast majority is pretty innocent … but a few kids think they’re ready for some pretty adult stuff.”</p>

<p>True. </p>

<p>I found out a lot of my friends started being very sexually active in middle school. Which kinda creeps me out. But I guess when you’re ready… you’re ready. </p>

<p>If and when he starts acting very ‘teenager-y’ I’d have a serious talk with him about being safe when sexually active. Like if they’ve got their minds set on something… they are going to do it whether you approve of it or not. So the best thing is to be open with your kids about these issues instead of trying to prevent anything from happening.</p>

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<p>i dated during middle school too. my very first boyfriend and i would go bowling every sunday with our parents, and we’d also meet at the mall on friday or saturday - which ever day i could get a ride to the mall. that lasted a few months until he moved to arizona. my next boyfriend after that, we’d meet at the mall, or get rides to each others houses, or hang out at other houses… etc. that lasted about 9 months and we’re still friends today. i’ve never dated a guy that i went to school with though.</p>

<p>my one cousin started dating his girlfriend in middle school - 9th grade, and they actually just had a baby last week… theyv’e been together for five years or so</p>

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<p>Where did you find the note? (backpack? laundry?) I have a 7th grade son.
If he brought home such a note I’d just tear it up and throw it away. That’s that. You’re the mom.</p>

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<p>“Where did you find the note? (backpack? laundry?) If he brought home such a note I’d just tear it up and throw it away. That’s that. You’re the mom.”</p>

<p>I found the note folded away in a pocket of his binder when we were setting up his notebook and backpack. I did not throw it away or tear it up and I won’t. I don’t consider it to be serious or a flag that something inappropriate is going on. Now, if there was inappropriate language, drawings, etc., you can bet, I am the Mom…and would have responded accordingly. He knows he cannot “go out,” there are no emails unless it is on the Nicolodean Email site, and there are currently no phone calls. Last year there was a girl who called him for a couple of days but my rules, according to my son, made her mad at him, and she would no longer even speak to him at school, (no phone when there is homework and chores, no phone past 7 pm; and we are too busy on the weekends). So, this Mom is on the job too. :)</p>

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<p>I can corroborate what MoWC is saying about sexually active middle schoolers. During my d’s eighth grade year, the ‘popular, queen bee, social-power-broker’ group at my d’s school was busted for having after school parties that included public oral sex and more. (Thank goodness mine was in the ‘sort-of-popular student government/yearbook editor/good grades/not-allowed-to-date’ group btw.) Seemed like the only people embarrassed by the situation were the parents. The busted kids’ cool factor just went up. This same group went on to becoming expert shoplifters and teenage alcoholics in high school. And I will probably be criticized for saying this…but the girls ran that show. That was five years ago. And this is why I was a little perturbed at the forward comments in my son’s yearbook.</p>

<p>But I will admit the boys will play too. My neighbor recently told me she overheard the boys on the 8th grade baseball team talking about how to have sex and not get the girl pregnant. Their recommended method was not oral or traditional sex, so you can imagine what they were talking about. She, and I, were pretty horrified.</p>

<p>Btw…I do put responsibility on the parents. It seems as though the wildest of these popular kids always had the parents who were orchestrating the parties in elementary school, pairing their children off with each other and trying to lay the groundwork for the ultimate goal…popularity in high school.</p>

<p>I AM gonna need a little update on the colored wristband, lipstick party thing though. MoWC…what does this mean?</p>

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<p>there’s a girl in my son’s class whose mother invites a whole carload of boys to go bowling, movies, whatever . I think its very strange to have one girl and eight boys at an outing. I wasn’t thrilled at all when my son told me who was there. I’d thought it would be more evenly divided gender wise. And these parties! One girl’s parents threw a shindig with live band, tent, cocktails, food, the works. All kids and parents invited. It was completely over the top. The girls all wanted to dance (oh, and this was the summer after FIFTH grade) and the boys were up climbing trees!</p>