<p>I sometimes wish confrontation was hard for me. Unfortunately, it seems to come quite naturally.</p>
<p>Reading through this had me thinking how absolutely fortunate I was with roommates. Then, as I gave it some more thought, I recalled some very horrible situations (at the time). One involved a single-room quint (yeah, it was a HUGE room but still crowded…but THAT wasn’t the problem!). Two of the roommates were best friends from HS PLUS they sold drugs to kids at a nearby HS which was a problem because their cache of drugs would be stored somewhere in our room prior to them taking it to market, so I couldn’t just turn a blind eye. One day, before a shipment was set to arrive by U.S. Mail, I went to some public phones, called the local post office, advised them of what was coming through their delivery vehicles and asked them to return the package to the sender. A week later the drug situation was over. From what I gathered via my roommates, the USPS had returned the package to the sender’s PO and they called the sender saying it had “insufficient funds.” When he came in to add postage, the FBI busted his sorry butt. So I literally made my roommate situation a federal offense. Still, by semester’s end I was out of there. The important point here – after reminiscing of my short stint as a junior deputy Fed agent (or “narc,” take your pick) – is to have Princess watching closely to see which of her roommates’ friends’ roommates she would want to live with. Got that? Get her preparing now to propose an even trade later (if this can’t get worked out): Have roommate and one of her friends move in with each other…so try to get Princess scouting which of those friends is rooming with someone Princess could possibly room with for second semester. All four would have to agree, plus the Residential Life people, so Princess might need to make a special effort now to bond with potential second semester post-trade roommates.</p>
<p>I’ve had rocky and tense roommate times living with the very best of my friends. In college, my future best man (and I was his) had plenty of rough patches. And afterwards, I shared an apartment with another long-time friend (again, both in each others’ wedding parties) and it was a relief to both of us when the lease came up. But we remain as tight as ever today and I had all but forgotten about those conflicts we had until just now. </p>
<p>The second point here is to get Princess to consider ways to resolve this by reducing it to smaller, manageable, and commonplace situations that she has already resolved successfully. Roommate problems don’t just occur in dorms or apartments with strangers. Shoot, my wife and I can get on each others’ nerves but we know how to work it out quickly because we understand that a solution is desirable. I once took a small seminar course with a former U.S. President known for his conflict resolution skills and he not only told us how he got iconic world leaders to talk to one another…but he also explained how he and his wife had worked out their own difficulties in various situations and how those minor successes at home helped him deal with long-time warring nations. One situation that he credited with giving him an insight to some Camp David talks he moderated involved a tense situation he had with an electric heated blanket he and his wife shared…in which (to make a long story not as long as it could be) he and his wife were growing impatient with each other over because, as they later discovered, they had inadvertently switched the controllers for each others’ side of the blanket. If Princess isn’t an only child, then she surely can harken back to tensions at home to identify ways she might resolve (or just cope with) the situation she now faces. What’s more, maybe she’ll discover that there’s something SHE’S doing that is punching her roommate’s button and that might explain why her roommate is apparently oblivious to Princess’ needs and desires.</p>
<p>Good luck, though, because it seems pretty sticky…and most of the situations we parents are recalling involved us while in college. Helping young teens navigate these rocky shoals is a tall order. Rely heavily on the local experts to do the real problem-solving. Understand your limitations from afar. And keep Princess smiling and feeling loved instead of discontented and miserable!</p>
<p>Well, it happened again today. Only 6 am instead of 5 (hey we are getting progress). All the lights on. Called her Mom to tell her how much she missed her [d says mom must be hard of hearing 
]. Then proceeded to do her excercises and slammed drawers to get dressed. Then called Mom back to cry and tell her how mean D is for yelling at her
So D has appt with prefect. I emailed advisor…</p>
<p>D’yer, she has two sisters at home (older and younger) and they resolve things like I suppose brothers would…She is trying to behave at school.
But, other than ticked off at be woken early (esp as she and friends stayed up late Fri) she is having a blast.</p>
<p>Princess’Dad,</p>
<p>Will you share with us about what happened after you emailed advisor? S also have problem with rm.</p>
<p>We went visit son today, brought him some fall / winter clothes and took back his summer items. When we got into the room, we saw one side of the room (son’s side) is clean and neat (lack of space that makes him more organized) but the other side, dirty laundry all over the desk and bed, text books and papers all over the floor. Wastebasket is full, luggage and shoes occupied the under-bed space (it’s a bunker bad, so son has to put all his shoes in boxes and stack under his desk). Wet dirty towel hang on the door, makes the room kind of smelly. Son said he can survive but there is one thing that really bother him : it’s late September now, below 45 at NE and the rm insist to let the window wide open at night and turn on the fan (I wonder where he’s from). Son will talk to dorm head and prefect, but I guess there is nothing they can do. Helpless!</p>
<p>arling, it’s great that you are there (in spirit) to support your son! It sounds like he is really trying to make the best of things. About room temperature - that sounds tricky. Can you provide your son with more blankets/down comforter - warm layers so he can at least be more comfortable when he sleeps? (Perhaps he already has these things). Good luck to him in trying to work things out with the dorm head and prefect - sounds like a good place to start!</p>
<p>arling, they are working it out with dorm prefect as ref.</p>
<p>I thought most from NE left their window open at night? The sleep evidence shows better sleep with cold room and warm bed (elec blanket or down)</p>
<p>Actually at home, we do open the window a little bit, for fresh air and cool room and son already has one heavy blanket for winter, he is complain about the wind (wide open window) makes him headache the next morning (I don’t think he should wear a hat. Just joking). But anyway, he called this afternoon that roommate agree to close the window a little bit and he will use both fans (his and son’s). </p>
<p>We met this boy twice, he is very friendly. The problem is all because room space.</p>
<p>My daughter got lucky and got a new roommate. Old one was unreasonable and the school finally put her in a single. I hope the new one is a better fit.</p>
<p>Saw D’s room this weekend for the first time since we dropped her off. D is a total pig. I am half expecting to see her roommate post on here complaining about her. At least her room HERE is clean though. Ha!</p>
<p>Lax,
The one thing about BS is that it has taught my d to clean her room. Ha!</p>
<p>I’d be interested to see reflections on this thread towards the end of the school year. Will there be regrets that not enough was done? Will disappointments linger? Will they have been worked out? Will there be embarrassment at being too protective? Appreciation for how much the child has grown over the year and will be better equipped to resolve this sort of conflict on his/her own?</p>
<p>D’yer - I have the same questions in my mind everyday and trying to do the ‘right’ thing that parents should do. </p>
<p>If he has stay home with us in PHS, we still have the worries (more or less).</p>
<p>I think there are lots of things that we do that, in retrospect, we may feel embarrassed about. But that’s Monday morning quarterbacking. Hindsight has 20/20 vision. You do the best you can do. You try to be cognizant of not overreaching or doing anything foolish. And then, when it inevitably happens, you can either beat yourself up over it or say that you did your best and won’t make those mistakes next time 'round.</p>
<p>This obviously applies well beyond the boarding school experience. Now, there are times when I’ve made an ass of myself and should have known better. I’ll beat myself up over those situations. But this is new territory for many parents and like most parenting experiences, it’s an iterative process and we have to recognize that mistakes are part of the learning curve. If feeling too alarmed or too complacent is the worst thing that happens during the first year through boarding school, that’s a job well done!</p>