Roommate has no interest in getting to know me on social media

In late June my college released roommate assignments. I promptly found my roommate on Instagram and messaged them. We had a brief conversation but he appeared to be uninterested and dismissive. After a week, I decided to try again and he left my message on read. I understand many may say “You’ll have all year to get to know them” but I would like to at least know some basic information about my roommate before move-in day. We also need to coordinate who is bringing what in the next few weeks. I want to send him a message that shows understanding that he may be busy, but also addresses the importance of communication in regards to our living situation. I don’t want to come off as aggressive but I’d like to avoid any unnecessary complications on move-in day and later. What should I do?

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You’ve done as much as you can. Not all roommate situations turn into friendships. He may not be willing to get to know you. Just take whatever you will want. He may not want to share and isn’t required to do so.

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You have learned that your roommate doesn’t want to communicate via social media. He may be private.

If there is a matter of importance that needs to be resolved before you move in, communicate about that specifically.

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Unfortunately, this is how my D and her roommate started out last year. I applaud you for reaching out because I know it takes courage to initiate that first contact. I agree with just deciding for yourself what you need and plan accordingly.

Don’t let your interaction with this new person define your start at college. Maybe things will change when you meet in person and maybe they won’t. That’s OK! Show up with a positive and friendly attitude and you will make friends. You and your roommate don’t need to be best friends. You just need to find a way to be civil, compromise, and be respectful of one another. Those things can happen…even if you only have 4 conversations all year.

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A girl I know well spent many hours on social media getting to know her future college roomie. They were not assigned and set up the arrangements themselves. It was great for a while, until it wasn’t. They weren’t on speaking terms at the end of the first semester and the other girl moved out.

Give it a week or two. Send a neutral message asking if there’s any interest in a shared fridge or microwave. Beyond that, there is not much you really need to discuss. Be friendly on move in day. Wait and see what happens.

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Here is how your roommate would likely view the above:

I promptly stalked my roommate on Instagram

Let it go; you have 30 weeks to get to know them in-person.

Other than a fridge or microwave (if allowed), I cannot imagine what needs to be coordinated before seeing the space.

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My D is barely ever on social media. I wouldn’t worry about it.

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If you just want to confirm whether or not your future roommate is receiving your messages just write:

Can I assume that Bruiser,my 180 pound Rottweiler, will not be a problem?

(P.S. This is intended to be humorous.)

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Edited, since @Publisher edited the above comment to make my post look ridiculous out of context.

Two points:

  1. Don’t assume your roommate is ignoring you. They may have a full time job that doesn’t allow for using social media while at work and are busy doing other things after work. They may be travelling and in locations without good internet/wifi (actually happened to S ahead of his freshmen yr. Like you, he reached out and basically got nothing other than an initial acknowledgement. Turns out his future roommate was in the mountains for several weeks without any cell service. They got along just fine).
  2. As someone stated, it’s not mandatory that roommates be best friends for you to enjoy college. All you need is a situation where you have mutual respect. If you can be friends, have similar interests all the better.

If you reread OP’s original post, it seems clear that he is quite considerate of such a possibility.

Plus,they have already had an exchange which has given OP some concern as to the lack of interest by the future roommate.

I don’t think finding them on social media is considered stalking, I have 5 young adult children and the first thing most do when they get their roommate assignments is to look them up on Instagram. In fact, kids this age seem to constantly looking up others on Instagram.

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Refind your roommate on the school’s portal for talking with roommates first ask the question. Not on Instagram. See what happens. Also it’s early. Bet he responds in August when pressure is on.

Also. Non of my son’s roommates where the best friend type. They were cordial to each other and the most you can hope for… Don’t expect best buddies etc… If it develops to something more then great. Some kids are also shyer then others and don’t have the social media or personal skills that maybe you developed thus far. I applaud you for reaching out.

I would wait till mid August after going through the school’s normal channels. Some people like to coordinate stuff upfront like you and others could care less. If you don’t get a response by mid August just bring what you want. Getting a fridge /microwave combo for the year is pretty inexpensive. If your bringing your own then you will have to decide to share or not (if larger fridge then share. Not everyone has the funds also. You might be asking for things they never intended them to get (coffee maker as an example).

So the question should be like “Is there anything that you would like to coordinate together before move in?”…

You can even put a date you need to know by in a nice way… “if I don’t hear from you by August 15th, I will assume you don’t want to… Looking forward to meeting you”.

Also keep your mind open to your roommate and don’t let anyone’s opinions affect you. He might end up being the greatest roommate of all time.

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according to OP’s initial post, the future roommate has already responded.

OP’s impression: “…he appeared to be uninterested and dismissive.”

Depends on the person. The roommate may consider it stalking. And also consider, besides individual differences, young males (as is the case here) often behave differently than females. :grin:

Without knowing the school in question, one cannot say what the usual way for connecting is. Some schools provide roommate contact info which include avenues outside of social media. Regardless, this roommate seems unwilling to interact over IG for whatever reason, do the OP should not push

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Totally get it and he reached out after another week… For this age group that is kinda aggressive… That can be a turn off and why I suggested going through normal channels and waiting a bit longer. Not every kid is “ready” for this. As you know the maturity level in this age group, especially with boys varies greatly.

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Interesting viewpoint.

Based on OP’s post, OP appears to be friendly,considerate,and reasonable.

I was taught a long time ago, that having a sense of humor is one indication of maturity. It also is an effective way to break down barriers. Conversely,lack of a sense of humor has negative implications.

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Totally also agree with your with your views. I think the OP is very mature. But the roommate might need more time. Boys mental maturity develops later then girls. His roommate might just not be ready to enter into this conversation… Also 2 emails with in a week or two to someone you don’t know might be viewed as aggressive in this age group. My question is… What are the items the OP needs to know about now? Usually it’s the micro fridge and microwave.

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This is a truly remarkable CC thread!

OP asked a very simple question, and it seems to me that @Knowsstuff and others gave a very simple response. It’s just late July, and I’m assuming that there is still plenty of time before you move into your dorm. Like others have said, there are very few items to coordinate on, so send one more message a week or so before move-in date. If there’s no response, leave it.

Folks of all ages are busy right now, and your future roommate might not really be in a position or want to talk via SM. You’ll get to know your roommate soon enough.

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I’d assume the roommate doesn’t plan on bringing shared items, I’d order the micro fridge rental myself if I wanted it (at 2 of my kids’ universities they sell out), I’m glad one of my incoming freshmen is in contact with her roommate, we are flying in on the 8th and rented the fridge, her roommate is also far from college and got a rug. Her twin still doesn’t know his campus, dorm, or roommate information, but all dorms have micro fridges and his school is only 45 minutes away (neither will have cars).