<p>Is it fair for a person to kick a roommate out for an entire weekend so an ex-boyfriend can stay in the room? My daughter is in this situation. She wasn’t asked if she minded if the roommate’s ex visited and was told that she has to sleep somewhere else. She doesn’t mind having the extra person in the room but she really doesn’t want to have to sleep somewhere else. She doesn’t know how to handle it without causing problems. She and roommate get along well but roommate does have a tendency to be unintentionally inconsiderate.</p>
<p>I’m not even sure if it’s LEGAL–some schools have a visiting policy about guests staying overnight, or for more than one night. Certainly no roommate has the right to “kick” the other one out. </p>
<p>And what, exactly, is an “ex” boyfriend? Doesn’t that just make him a guest like any other? The obvious solution would be to see if there’s a male friend on the hall/in the building who’s willing to put the guy up. I don’t see, otherwise, why an “ex” needs to stay in the room while a roommate is kicked out of the room she’s paying for.</p>
<p>This is the time for your daughter to speak to the RA. No student should be asked to leave their room because a guest is coming. The roommate is out of line.</p>
<p>The girl used to date him and apparently he still likes her. I think there is somewhere else he can stay but the neither the girl nor her ex want him to. It has put my D in an awkward situation because she isn’t sure how to handle it. Her dad and I both told her to calmly discuss it with roommate. She is nervous about it and has tried to drop hints and said she didn’t know where she would stay etc. The roommate just says things like “oh” or “yea”. Either she doesn’t get it or is choosing not to.</p>
<p>Tell her to get the RA involved ASAP - this is not okay. I would say they’re already dealing with a problem, so more drama is probably inevitable. It’s one thing to have a guest stay overnight, but it’s another thing to tell someone they have to find somewhere else to sleep! Craziness! The roommate is being intentionally inconsiderate, imo.</p>
<p>ETA - GladGradDad (below) said it perfectly!</p>
<p>It’s not fair and your D should refuse to do so. The roommate can’t force her out. If the roommate has a problem with your D not leaving then let the roommate go to the RA about it, but she likely won’t since she doesn’t have a leg to stand on with this one. Your D doesn’t need to do anything other than not consent to leave. There’s already a ‘problem’ caused by this roommate so your D shouldn’t worry about causing problems. She needs to stand up for herself on this.</p>
<p>Obviously the roommate has no right whatsoever kick your D out of her own room. I don’t think she should even tolerate being “allowed” to stay in her room along with the guy.</p>
<p>But like alot of girls, your D is hesitant to rock the boat by speaking up for herself. She doesn’t want to make anyone mad, or risk making an enemy of someone she has to live with. But since this isn’t a health or safety issue, I think she should take a crack at solving it before she goes to the RA. It’ll give her confidence that she can handle these things by herself. (Obviously, if the roomie is uncooperative, then she should seek the RA’s help.) </p>
<p>She probably thinks that being assertive means being aggressive, and this is where you can help. Coaching, role-playing, or even giving her examples of how you’ve handled things like this might help her.</p>
<p>You know…kids do have friends come to visit in college. BUT college rooms are not hotels. It’s totally out of line to expect someone else to leave their room to accommodate a visitor (unless that other student WANTS to leave). The notion that she would want to spend the night in the room WITH the (ex) boyfriend and the girl is ridiculous too. </p>
<p>At both of my kids’ schools, the roommates had to sign a form indicating they agreed to overnight guests. If the form wasn’t signed, the guest could not stay in the room…and they DID enforce this. </p>
<p>Your daughter is “paying rent” for this room too…and doesn’t need to be displaced from her home by an inconsiderate roommate.</p>
<p>She can’t “drop hints”. She also needs to figure out if she doesn’t want the guy in the room at all. Once she has her “position” clear in her head she needs to tell the roommate. If she really can’t do that then certainly she should talk to the RA for help.</p>
<p>No hinting and beating around the bush. She can’t be made to do this unless she lets it. It must be really uncomfortable for her but encourage her to speak her mind calmly, directly, firmly. To stand up for herself in this situation and say it isn’t okay with her. It is a great learning experience to become more assertive. </p>
<p>But as others have also said, the RA can help her too. She might give the RA a heads up and seek some advice on how to approach it, but then try it on her own first (rather than have some third party speak on her behalf like she’s a child who can’t speak for herself). But if she gets push back, feels threatened or coerced, pull the RA in.</p>
<p>Man this sucks…totally not appropriate and unfair she has to be in the situation.</p>
<p>If I were your daughter, I would say to the roommate, “That’s not happening. I live here, too. I pay equal amount for this room; you can’t kick me out.” </p>
<p>Adding to the chorus of “get the RA involved”.</p>
<p>I DID refuse to go when my room mate used to bring male visitors into our room. The would drop hints & even sometimes start getting quite affectionate. I would stay in my room & study anyway and they would get frustrated at me & leave. They would ask me why I didn’t study in the library & I would respond that I preferred my room, which I did.</p>
<p>After one semester she gave up & moved into her sorority house where she could entertain the way she wanted to, without me in the room studying all the time. I agree that she needs to hold her ground and refuse and get the RA involved if roomie shows any signs of trying to kick her out of the room.</p>
<p>Agreed your daughter should figure out what she is willing to accomodate.</p>
<p>I think I would offer her room mate a number of hours of privacy in the room with her ex over the weekend. I would also state that I would be back at a certain hour and that i would be sleeping in my own bed no matter what.</p>
<p>There’s a saying, no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. </p>
<p>Daughter just needs to tell her roommate, look I’m not leaving, sorry if you got the impression I was. RA if they try to lock her out or the boyfriend (doesnt sound ex- or not for long) stays and makes her uncomfortable. </p>
<p>It is hard for girls to speak up for themselves. There is no time like the present to get into the habit.</p>
<p>I’m going to be a bit of a contrarian on this one.</p>
<p>I totally agree a roommate should not unilaterally kick a roommate out so they can have a guest stay over. That said I do not think having a guest stay over is, by definition, unfair or necessarily over the line. I think the roommate should have asked if it was OK that a guest stay over and the two roommates could have negotiated how they want to handle situations like these (romantic guest vs non-romantic guests … guests who sleep on the floor … blocks of time of privacy … no overnight guests … etc)</p>
<p>Agreed, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this and the roommate is not being considerate of your D’s feelings. My D and her two roommates were surprisingly good about asking in advance, having open discussion, and getting genuine consent. One girl is quite a distance from home and had a close (male) friend attending college 3-4 hours away. She invited him for a few weekends, often when D and/or the other girl were going home for the weekend, and still asked for their consent so there was never a problem. D did the same when she had friends from HS come up. The girls now live off-campus and have separate rooms but continue to treat each other with courtesy and respect…I think that’s been the key to avoiding/resolving conflicts.</p>
<p>I know it’s hard but, prior to getting an RA directly involved, I would suggest to my D that she have a candid discussion with the roommate and let her know her true feelings/concerns while keeping an “ear out” for the other girl’s feelings/needs/concerns. If your D is planning a trip home soon, maybe the visit can be rescheduled. Even if the girl isn’t willing to compromise, at least she will know that having the room to herself isn’t going to be an easy thing and she’ll probably think twice before planning it again.</p>