<p>S2’s school has roommate contracts where these type issues are agreed upon in the first week of school…did your D have a roommate contract?</p>
<p>Agree that your daughter needs to refuse to leave room.</p>
<p>My D had a friend whose roommate had the BF overnight. It made the friend unconfortable, so she stayed in D’s room. Roomie never asked if he could stay, and didn’t think it was an issue, since she claimed that they were not going to 'do anything."</p>
<p>Being $extiled (typing that way as it might otherwise get ***'d) is not uncommon in college. But, its sholdl be discussed and perhaps agreed upon that for a few hours your dau will agree to give them privacy. Not the whole weekend. Unacceptable.</p>
<p>Just tossing this idea into the ring: go to the roommate and say it’s “no problem” as long as the roommate gives her cash, now, to cover your D’s entire weekend at a quality hotel. </p>
<p>If the roommate wants the luxury of a single for a weekend, she should pay for that luxury.</p>
<p>What I’m getting at is: when someone makes an unreasonable request, make a similarly unreasonable request in return. Then, negotiate from that place, not from a place of sweetness.</p>
<p>When the roommate cries, “Pay for your hotel? That’s ridiculous!” your D can say it’s just as ridiculous as asking her to “move out all weekend.” THEN thw 2 could start bargaining over compromise terms such as "I’ll go away for a few hours…"etc. Your D needs to establish a place of strength to discuss this.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your input. D mentioned that some other girls have had boyfriends come in from out of town and their roommates always leave. I don’t know if this is by choice or if roommates are asking them to. D is conflicted because she wants to at least have the option to sleep in her own bed if she wants to but at the same time has said that she isn’t sure she wants to be in there with this guy being there. This guys sounds like a total creep and roommates parents apparently do not like him. I’m pretty sure her parents would have a fit if they knew he was visiting and staying with her. </p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with overnight guests and neither does D but I think it is rude for anybody to put another person out without asking. It would be nice if I could just say to come home and avoid the issue all together but it is Homecoming weekend and she wants to stay on campus.</p>
<p>I guess I will continue to try to coach her on what to say and see what happens.</p>
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<p>Well there ya go. When the roommate objects to forking over cash for a hotel for your D, your D can hint she’ll ask the parents for the same wad of cash. That might kill the deal right there. </p>
<p>(I just saw George Clooney in “Ides of March” so maybe I’m influenced by the negotiating styles demonstrated in that movie :D)</p>
<p>I am serious about coaching her to negotiate from a place of strength, however. Keep coaching her to understand her own rights in this situation.</p>
<p>If he is her * ex* boyfriend, why would she be having sex with him?
Overnights are fine, as long as the roommates agree and as long as not for more than a couple days at a time, but expecting your roommate to sleep someplace else at night is not fine under any circumstance.</p>
<p>Good plan, p3t. So one of the 2 roomies shouls go to a nice hotel. Why not the roomie and ex-boyfriend go and leave the dorm room to op’s dau. Works for me</p>
<p>To be fair, I think this is something it happens quite frequently in college, but it is something which is negotiated between roommates and not taken for granted. For a lot of people, it’s not a big deal to crash at another kid’s room for a night, but it is not a common occurence. </p>
<p>My previous response was kind of flipping because it was late at night. I probably would advise my kid to go along with it this time, but tell the roommate that she would appreciate if it didn’t happen too often, especially when she has major papers due or tests. The roommate should regard this as a huge favor and not take it for granted. This should also be for your daughter to sleep some where else, but not be completely locked out of her room for the whole weekend. I think most of the time the roommate would ask around to see who would be away that weekend, and arrange for the other roommate to sleep so they could have the room to themselves.</p>
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No way. I would advise my kid to sleep in the room I’m paying for. It’s fine for roommates to have friends stay over, but it is not anywhere near fine to order your roommate to find somewhere else to stay while you have visitors. </p>
<p>If the roommate thinks it’s so easy to just go stay somewhere else for the weekend, then why doesn’t she just go stay somewhere else with her boyfriend?</p>
<p>I’m in the camp that thinks that this is a regular part of sharing a room in college. What is not acceptable is a unilateral declaration on the part of the roomie that your D should stay away all weekend. She needs to tell roomie that while she will be glad to give them privacy, they need to discuss a compromise. And that compromise may include “I need to be able to be back in the room at 11pm every night, but it is yours between 6 and 11.”</p>
<p>The reality is that your D might want to have the room to herself at some point in the future. And establishing a pattern of reasonable compromise will benefit her.</p>
<p>My niece’s roommate have a boy over and they “did the deed” while my niece was in the room - they thought she was asleep. Gross.</p>
<p>^^^ I read that if that happens, you should get up, go out and invite others in to watch :D</p>
<p>You know, I have found simple works best. Since her roommate appears to not respond to hints or indirects, she needs to have a script for whenever these situations come up.<br>
“No” should be the very first word. Not an excuse - not an explanation. NO. </p>
<p>If she wants to “gentle” it by following with “No, I need to stay in my room this weekend” or “No, I am uncomfortable with” that is fine, but the very first word in the sentence should be NO. Not in a mean tone - not in a frustrated way - just “No” </p>
<p>If the roommate argues, she should gently and firmly repeat “NO” or “No - sorry.” In my experience, if you start with NO, the person may try to solved the problem you mention, but will give up after a few followup nos. She should expect some irritation, some drama, perhaps even some namecalling. It will blow over. Roommate is clearly used to getting her own way, and by now, other people know it as well. when she escalates, and she likely will, stay calm, stay respectful, and just say No again.</p>
<p>one thing, though. You want to be cautious about not cooperating in a situation like this cuz you never know when your own best friends will show up and you might need to room for a weekend. I know when my daughter had an actual room roomate her first year, both girls occaisonal had a large enough group of “visitors,” and roommate once had home town boyfriend for the weekend. I think each found a different place to sleep a couple of times, but it wasn’t really a hardship. It’s not some bizarre unheard of conundrum kids face. it’s not the weekend before finals.</p>
<p>The problem is that roommate made it as a statement and not a “request.”</p>
<p>However, if D ever needs the room, she doesn’t want to have set it up so she can’t have it. Just a thought.</p>
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<p>No, learning to ask for what she needs is an important skill for her to learn, and this is as good a time as any. </p>
<p>shoot4mom is right, you can coach her that she doesn’t need to be mean, nor does she need to come up with reasons or excuses. When I was in college, a friend taught me her all-purpose “No” line, and I’ve been using it ever since. I think it’s a perfect fit in this situation:</p>
<p>“No, I’m afraid that won’t work out for me.”</p>
<p>And then smile, and leave. Something about it makes people feel they can’t question you.</p>
<p>I think this is something college students do fairly often, for your daughter to flat out say no may not be the best thing for her socially. It maybe better for your daughter to try to negotiate with her roommate for a workable solution.</p>
<p>I agree with Consolation. This is very common situation in college and most roomies work things out between them to give each other space and privacy and be respectful of each other. It is even harder when it is a triple and two roomies are asked to leave for the third one. This happened with my d in her freshman year and as her boyfriend went to a different school, she usually had to leave the room…not for the entire weekend however… her roommates accomodated her as well when her boyfriend came for a few days during his spring break.</p>
<p>Your daughter has just enrolled in Interpersonal Skills 101. Lesson 1: Grow a spine. Lesson 2: Being nice is not always the appropriate response.</p>
<p>No hints, no nice. This is not a “nice” request. Your D will be confronted by this type of behavior in the workplace, by neighbors, by strangers in restaurants. The ability to be firm and composed in this situation will come in handy for her in the coming years.</p>