<p>I feel for you. My D is a freshman and just had to go through a similar situation recently. She isn’t normallly assertive but with some coaching from us she prevailed. It also helped that they had signed roommate agreements that specified no overnight guests after the first incident when roomie brought in a male guest without D’s consent. Her roomie’s male guest (in the second case) found a place to sleep in one of the guy’s rooms. So they figured it out. My D and her roomie are not besties but they get along. And my D learned an important life lesson.</p>
<p>My dorm actually had an extra room available to be rented out, reasonably priced. It’s too bad the roommate is imposing in this way. It is very inconsiderate. And it wasn’t even a request, which would have been bad enough, but basically a demand. Totally unacceptable. This will be a lesson for your D in assertiveness on the road to adulthood. She should make it clear she will not be leaving for the weekend. No hinting around. It kills me when people make unreasonable demands, and then the person being put upon does not want to offend. The roommate is being unreasonable. Your D is not being unreasonable by objecting or refusing, more appropriately.</p>
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<p>This is what makes sense to me.</p>
<p>“I think this is something college students do fairly often, for your daughter to flat out say no may not be the best thing for her socially. It maybe better for your daughter to try to negotiate with her roommate for a workable solution.”</p>
<p>A night is one thing and there is room for compromise, a weekend is another thing entirely.</p>
<p>Just out of curirousity, any parent poster ever had a BF/GF visit while in college? Or an opposet sex guest sleepover? What did you do?</p>
<p>I am sure most people’s kids all have had people sleepover while in college, what did they do? D1 had a room to herself for 3 years, only shared a double for one year.</p>
<p>^ My freshman year roommate’s boyfriend had a single. Our dorm had an extra room available to be rented out. I think it is common for compromises to be made for single nights. Being told to leave for the weekend, imo, is not a common experience.</p>
<p>Last year my son and his roommate (freshman year) negotiated their roommate contract with one weekend visit a semester by their girlfriends. They knew in advance each would be asked to vacate the room only once. They were both on both on board with this. It was more information then I needed!</p>
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<p>I’m a student but I have to say that this stance has worked out well for me so far. My roommate called to ask if it’s okay if her boyfriend sleeps over for the night while I stayed in the room-- they just wanted to sleep, nothing more. I didn’t love the idea, it seemed a little weird, but I told her fine. Two weeks later, my own boyfriend needed to sleep over (for legitimate religious reasons, actually) and if I hadn’t acquiesced to her before, my roommate would have been totally justified in saying ‘no way’. That said, I think it’s unfair that your daughter was put in this position without being given a choice, and an entire weekend seems like more than just a small favor.</p>
<p>The only way I would find the scenario acceptable: If the roommate paid for a luxury spa weekend…paid for in advance. All treatments included…</p>
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<p>LOL same here! I can’t imagine what she was thinking. What if the roommate had to share a room with someone who lived across the country or even an international student? Is it really reasonable to just demand that someone not be allowed to occupy their own living space for an entire weekend? What if the D wasn’t close enough with someone else to even have a place to sleep after being… exiled for 2 - 3 days? </p>
<p>There’s plenty of room for negotiation and compromise – she does have to live with this girl, after all – but the whole “it’s a normal college experience” shouldn’t really fly as a reason to back down. Just because something is common doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea, and somehow I doubt that it’s all that common for one roommate to treat another roommate like a weird sort of intruder that she can just get rid of at will.</p>
<p>What is common in college is that there is a lot of crashing and sleepover at someone else’s room. It is not something my kids like to do. They like to have their own space, and it is why we got a single for D1 freshman year. She said it was the best thing. Having a single room, some of her friends have asked to sleepover when their roommate had guest, but it was always D1’s option to say yes or no.</p>
<p>She should steadfastly refuse on the grounds the roommate is wording the request as a demand. If the roomie wants a request that may be an imposition on her…roomie needs to ask nicely and politely…NOT DEMAND. The OP has the same standing as the roomie and thus, the roomie has no right to order her around like that. </p>
<p>Said roomie has obviously not learned basic social skills such as how to request a huge favor in a reasonable, polite, and considerate manner.</p>
<p>This is probably one way my being a stubborn gadfly type who ignored and disdained my older aunts’/mother’s efforts to be excessively and obsequiously polite and deferential worked in my favor. </p>
<p>Something I’ve noticed is emphasized as “good behavior” among many female classmates and cousins. Fortunately, my female cousins also largely ignored that sort of upbringing to their great benefit in college and adulthood.</p>
<p>In the normal course of dorm living, for kids who are just normally social, there’s a lot of sleeping over, watching a late night movie on the netflix, or whatever, hanging out…it’s very communal, particularly for first years. It’s not that big of a deal to sleep in a friend’s room across the hall. </p>
<p>What isn’t “normal” is the way the roommate went about it. It’s not a demand but a request. a “would you mind if…” “would it be a hassle to…?” “I hate to ask, but…”</p>
<p>Most girls, in those circumstances, are pretty understanding.</p>
<p>they feel they’ve done a favor for someone. Oddly, girls like to feel as if they’ve done someone a favor. It’s too bad the roommate asked in the way that she did.</p>
<p>The fact it’s homecoming weekend makes it even more an issue. There are typically lots of activities on campus, so your D probably wants to be around and most likely in her dorm. She needs to let roommate know it’s not a good weekend. (I can’t imagine asking someone to vacate for the entire weekend, especially if they aren’t close to home with options for accommodations. Luckily I never had to deal with this in college.)</p>
<p>"The problem is that roommate made it as a statement and not a “request.”</p>
<p>That’s what she told mom. I wouldn’t be so sure. (If my younger d. - the drama queen - had said something like that, I’m sure I would have taken it with a grain of salt. Luckily, she and her roommate got along famously, and even moved into an apartment together.)</p>
<p>Bully is possible. Drama queen is more likely. Most college “kids” work this out (I know I did, back in the Dark Ages.)</p>
<p>D & S have never told me they had been “sexiled,” and knowing them & their room mates the 1st year they were away, I don’t think it happened. For my D, there has always been a common area they shared where a guest (of whatever gender) could “hang out” with the consent of the other suitemates. This has worked out OK for her & her 3 room mates. For S, he got his room mate’s consent for us to sleep over before room mate returned from Winter Break on year. I believe room mate also consented to D sleeping there (in their living room) after her lease had expired.</p>
<p>It’s a matter of negotiation. Being forced to vacate for an entire weekend over Homecoming Weekend is just not a reasonable DEMAND. If your D thinks the guy is a creep, even more she should say, “No, that won’t work for me.”</p>
<p>Good luck! Bully & drama queen makes the entire scenario tough for future relationships & it is important to set guidelines & tone now as to how both want to proceed.</p>
<p>Last year, DS had a roommate who was from a town about an hour away from school. RM had a (girl) friend who was commuting to a school near their U. RM asked DS if it would be OK if she spent a night (on the floor) if it was very late or if the weather was bad. DS said no problem, but I don’t think it ever happened. None of us thought it was a big deal. </p>
<p>Now a ‘creepy’ guy in a girls room, that’s another story.</p>
<p>When I shared a bedroom in college & grad school, I never had a male sleep over. Now that I think of it I did have a female sleep over, with my room mate’s consent. Can’t remember any of my room mates having someone sleep over in our BEDROOM. Did have folks sleep over in our apartment when we were in college, but that again was with consent and not in a bedroom that I was sleeping in (they slept in the room of whomever they were a guest of). My BF in college had a room mate who often had his GF staying in their room & hanging out with the two of them. It was OK with my BF. The roomie & his GF eventually did get married & my BF became the godfather of their child. Don’t believe BF was ever asked to vacate the room. BF & roomie later shared a 2-bedroom apartment & I believe the GF was often in the 2nd bedroom; it was OK with everyone concerned.</p>
<p>When my son’s GF visited him at school she stayed in a hotel and he visited her there. In fact, this is the norm. They had privacy and no one was intruded upon. Why is that so hard?</p>
<p>^^ In this situation, the visit is for Homecoming; at this point it may be impossible to get a hotel room. And in general, a hotel is too pricey for many college students.</p>