<p>it’s much easier to inconvenience others at no cost to yourself instead of doing the right thing when it costs $$$ out of pocket. i’m sure they COULD get a hotel or other accommodations if they were willing to pay enough $$$ and willing to go where the hotel is, even if it’s not so close to campus. trying to boot out the room mate should NOT be the norm in any case.</p>
<p>HImom, I wasn’t defending the actions of the OP’s roommate – clearly, TELLING someone they have to vacate their own room for the weekend is not OK. I was pointing out that many (most?) roommates can work things out by mutual consent. And in who knows how many cases, that means consenting to have a friend crash in the room. Or even consenting that one roommate will leave for the weekend. The point isn’t the specific arrangement, the point is that they both agree to it.</p>
<p>“HImom, I wasn’t defending the actions of the OP’s roommate – clearly, TELLING someone they have to vacate their own room for the weekend is not OK.”</p>
<p>I think we can all agree with that. But I very much doubt that that’s what happened.</p>
<p>^ I think it’s very possible it was assumed and never requested that OP’s D be out for the weekend.</p>
<p>With my D’s I have to take into account that they like to come to Mom with their woes. Sometimes they just want to vent they are not really looking to me for a solution. Also sometimes what they tell me is not actually what was said. As per Mini’s post above.
Also sometimes I take off on finding a solution only to talk to them later and the issue is no longer an issue.
I think the OP’s D needs to speak up for herself. I would not get the RA involved. Your D needs to live with this roommate for the rest of the year.</p>
<p>The way I understand it, there was no asking if it was okay or making a request. D is not one to exaggerate or embellish her stories. D was told that the guy is going to be visiting and it has been made very clear by the way roommate has been talking that she is expected to go elsewhere to sleep. Roommate has suggested people for D to stay with and when D said she wasn’t sure about one group because they aren’t people she normally hangs out with, RM suggested some others. Roommate is actually a very sweet girl but is used to having things go her way. I wonder if roommate just assumes it is okay and that is the way things are done. Unfortunately she won’t know any differently unless someone clues her in. However, I know (as someone suggested) that my D is worried about the social ramifications of making a big deal of it since they share a lot of friends.</p>
<p>This morning I asked D if she and roommate had discussed it yet and she said they haven’t. I told her she can tell the roomie that it “doesn’t work for her” or if she doesn’t want to go that route then comply with roomie’s wishes but make it clear that it is a favor. In addition, I suggested maybe agreeing to one night out of room but tell roomie she is staying the other night. </p>
<p>I do want to say that D is not opposed at all to roomie having guests and plans to have a couple herself this year but she doesn’t want to be displaced nor does she want to displace her roommate. I gave them an air mattress for guests to use. Apparently roommate expects D to take the air mattress and go elsewhere. That wasn’t my intention when buying it for them.</p>
<p>Looks like you’ve given about as much advice to your D as you can without ‘helicoptering’. From all the posts, the best plan of attack is to say to roomie ‘no, I need to sleep in my bed but you can have the room to yourself for a few hours each night.’ I think that’s a fair compromise.</p>
<p>And yes, I do remember being kicked out of my dorm room by my roommate one weekend night & I slept in the lounge–no fun–but I returned the favor before the end of the semester when I moved out.</p>
<p>This is part of the ‘life skills’ lesson dealing with assertive or inconsiderate people, and your D will have to either stick up for what she wants (and maybe or maybe not face the ostracism by floormates) or accede to roomie’s wishes, in which case she will probably be taken advantage of again by the end of the school year. It’s really her choice. </p>
<p>BTW, contacting the RA about the matter will absolutely cause ostracism.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There’s no question about it, she will be taken advantage of for the rest of the year if she gives in this time. She needs to establish now that these arrangements are to be negotiated.</p>
<p>"This is part of the ‘life skills’ lesson dealing with assertive or inconsiderate people, and your D will have to either stick up for what she wants (and maybe or maybe not face the ostracism by floormates) or accede to roomie’s wishes, in which case she will probably be taken advantage of again by the end of the school year. It’s really her choice. </p>
<p>BTW, contacting the RA about the matter will absolutely cause ostracism."</p>
<p>I agree.</p>
<p>Update: D called earlier and said she spoke with roommate. She said she told RM she wanted to discuss the boy’s visit and basically said she wants the option to stay in the room if she chooses. Roommate didn’t argue but did say she didn’t want my D to feel awkward with the guy there. A better way for RM to handle it would have been to let D decide how she feels but all is well now so we won’t worry about it. I am proud of D for speaking up and doing so in a non-confrontational manner. Hopefully when other situations come up she won’t hesitate. They have become close friends so maybe that helped.</p>
<p>D says she plans to make her decision whether to stay in the room or not when the time comes. Thank you all for your input. </p>
<p>LasMa: Thank you for the “it doesn’t work for me” suggestion…I love that and plan to use it myself :)</p>
<p>Thanks for the update! Sounds good.</p>
<p>Great–it’s always best if you can work things out non-confrontationally. Hurrah for your D for sticking up for herself. It is perfectly reasonable for your D to be able to stay in her room rather than having to find other lodging. The male can sleep on the floor IF it comes to that or whatever your D & her RM work out. Thanks for keeping everyone in the loop as many of us can see our kids in a similar situation.</p>
<p>Nice to hear!</p>