Roommate issues

Parent Cafe
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<p>My son had a great freshman roommate, and, although they did not room together in subsequent years, they remain good friends. My daughter had a great freshman roommate whom she considers to be one of her best friends, although she (my daughter) transferred to a different school after freshman year (for non-roommate related reasons :slight_smile: ). At her new school, she was assigned to room with another sophomore transfer student who has quickly become one of my daughter’s best friends. (On top of being a very nice girl, she is a trained chef who relaxes by making cakes and other desserts to share with her hallmates! Who could ask for a better roommate than that!) So it is possible to be very lucky with roommates!</p>

<p>PS I had an awful roommate assigned to me when I was a freshman in college, but one of my husband’s freshman roommates remains such a close friend that he is actually more like part of our family.</p>

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<p>You know when roommate situations do turn out well, I seriously think it is because the students have gone into the relationship with a certain spirit of cooperativeness. My husband and I spent the entire summer reinforcing this idea with our daughter, who has never shared a bedroom or bathroom in her life. Her only experiences sharing facilities were at cheer competitions on the road, which were actually a blast. She has no sisters so she loved the experience. Perhaps because of this she had an idealized view of what a college roommate experience would be like. (I will also say…it is helpful if your child’s roommate doesn’t have a borderline personality disorder as well…(jk)</p>

<p>I just spoke with ldgirl this evening and though she will be getting a new roommate (more details later), I’m happy to say she is once again excited at the prospect. Personally, I’M leery…this has just been too much hassle. But maybe she’ll get one of those ‘friends for life’ out of the next deal. </p>

<p>Truthfully, I think my pessimism in the above posts was purely from aggravation, worry and fatigue. Things are looking up. </p>

<p>btw…My husband and I both had wonderful college roommates. I lost track of mine after we both transferred to other schools; but my husband’s was a groomsman in our wedding. :)</p>

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<p>garland, Pardon my typo, but I meant to say that I am NOT a mental health professional, but it sounds like paranoid schizophrenia to me.</p>

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<p>^you may not be a mental health professional n.e.mom, but I think you hit the nail on the head.</p>

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<p>I figured from the form of the sentence it was what you meant. Looking back, I feel sorry for her, but at the time it was just scary.</p>

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<p>Garland, I am sure that it was scary! I would have moved out ASAP! It is a shame that she did not seem to get the treatment that she needed.</p>

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<p>IDmom, interesting choice of disorders, I felt much much better about my Ds side of things- still acknowledging she was partially at fault, when the realty mgmt gal who was doing graduate work in counseling, etc told me she thought the roomie was borderline personality disorder. i googled that and everything sort of fell into place and we could deal better with the issues thereafter!</p>

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<p>somemom - your d’s situation sound similar in part to mine. The roommate started out being overly friendly in a manic sort of way…way too much, too fast you know? Then abrupt mood changes, harsh reactions to even the most minor of slights. Euphoria one minute, throwing clothes the next, crying the next…and so on. Loss of total control of her environment and every person around her sends the roommate into a complete funk. </p>

<p>Oh well…just a few more days. ;)</p>

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<p>Yep, even I felt the heavy emotions in the air when I would go in the place, it was creepy.</p>

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<p>Still can’t talk about ldgirl’s resolution. </p>

<p>BUT, I can talk about something else that happened to a friend of ldgirl’s that just blows my mind. Friend checks in to her room on the first day of move-in…and the roommate is already there and extremely unhappy to see that she will be sharing the room. Apparently, though roommate is signed up for a double and paying for a double, she requested that she not get a roommate, if possible. This dorm does not even have singles except rooms reserved for RAs and it is one of the best dorms on campus, so the request is pretty ludicrous.</p>

<p>Roommate is hostile and aggressive to ldgirl’s friend and begins immediately to make her life miserable. ldgirl’s friend hangs in there, until roommate starts making accusations stating that ldgirl’s friend had threatened her. Accusations are prepostorous and housing doesn’t believe the accusations… but must launch a formal investigation, unless ldgirl’s friend ‘volunteers’ to move out. The friend does move out because she is frightened that the false accusations will make it to her permanent record and because she is frightened of what more the roommate is capable of trying in an effort to drive her out.</p>

<p>Roommate is now sitting pretty in the single that she wanted and only paying for a double in the best dorm on campus. Housing has tried repeatedly to place another person in the room with this girl, but when word gets out of what she did to ldgirl’s friend, potential occupants run like they are on fire. Roommate is very happy that she has totally gamed the system.</p>

<p>(More on ldgirl’s resolution after this weekend.)</p>

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<p>ldmom, I don’t think the ‘gaming the system’ done by the girl you mentioned would work at most campuses because it’s rare that a school has enough dorm space to allow someone to occupy a double without a roommate. Nor do most campuses have all these extra people that housing would be trying to place! We’ve never run across a system like that at any of the colleges our kids have attended. If housing is going to allow this girl to stay in the double they should simply inform her that either she takes a roommate or she pays the price for a single.</p>

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<p>I agree that the girl mentioned above should be paying the price for a single if she is refusing or preventing a roommate. My D. had roommate problems as a freshman, got the other girl to move out and requested to keep the room as a private for 2nd semester. The school allowed it, but we did pay the extra price for a single. (and worth every penny)</p>

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<p>She should not be paying the price of a single (which tends to be only somewhat higher than a double’s). She should be paying twice what she is currently paying since she is occupying twice the space of one student.</p>

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<p>Well, that’s true marite. We were able to pay only the cost of the single because d. agreed that if room was needed for another student she would accept a roommate. As it turned out, there were less students rather than more 2nd semester what with academic problems or travel abroad.</p>

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<p>The deal with this dorm is this. It is one of the better dorms on campus…and there are no singles or a single rate. The RAs get free private rooms (doubles with no roommate). I think I confused the issue by using the word single when I meant ‘double with one occupant’.</p>

<p>The rules are that when placing roommates, a person can refuse a placement. So in the case of the slandering roommate above, all those who are shown her room refuse the placement because they don’t want to be victimized like ldgirl’s friend. The story of what she did to ldgirl’s friend is out and no one wants to room with the slanderer. And this was her goal. </p>

<p>Imho, the slanderer broke honor code by telling lies about a fellow student and should be brought up on charges and dismissed from campus housing. But that is a huge ordeal that everyone is reluctant to get started. ldgirl’s friend would have to be the person to initiate the complaint process and she is still in the same dorm and intimidated by this girl.</p>

<p>ldgirl, in her own situation was given many options, and one of which was rooming with the slandering roommate. My d is pretty easy going but assertive, and she had never met the slanderer, so she thought she might be able to handle her. Upon meeting for the first time, it was clear the girl was pretty darned unhappy to see her and said somethings that amounted to ‘I hope you don’t think you are moving in here’. So…you can see why the slanderer still has that room to herself. And there was no way was my daughter jumping from the frying pan to the fire.</p>

<p>It isn’t fair at all. And I agree with marite, the slanderer should be paying double, or be removed. </p>

<p>In my d’s case, we are very happy with her solution…and housing has been great. But the whole process has opened our eyes to the flaws in the system, most of which can’t be remedied…and how manipulative and off-balanced people can be. Like I said before to my husband… ‘we’re not in Kansas anymore Toto’. </p>

<p>(He didn’t appreciate being referred to as Toto I don’t think…lol!)</p>

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<p>ldmom06–A very stressful period for you and your D., but good for you for keeping your sense of humor! I have chuckled several times at some of the comments in your posts. Great coping strategy! :)</p>

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<p>My oldest had a bad roommate situation his freshman year. They went through counseling with RA and housing director, made up agreement–roommate refused to follow it. Housing offered my son his pick of any open “bed” on campus–there were no open rooms. When he went to look at the rooms and the occupants, he felt like there were obvious reasons the prior roommate had moved out. Like the previous example, he didn’t want to jump from frying pan into the fire, so he toughed out the rest of the year by avoiding his room as much as possible. </p>

<p>IMO any new dorms built by colleges should be all single rooms with community baths. If all are singles, the students do socialize between rooms and they still meet up at the bathroom ;). My kids were 3 for 3 with unpleasant experiences with assigned roommates.</p>

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<p>Thank you GoBlue and everyone who has offered insights and suggestions- my sense humor is about all that’s left on this issue…I think my sanity took off days ago…lol! Being able to vent here and get feedback has been HUGE for me. A big stress reliever.</p>

<p>I tend to agree with mkm, the days of doubles should be numbered. Sharing baths still force the cooperative lesson; but every person needs a place to feel like they can let their hair down…and where they feel safe and they can de-stress. Placement based on questionaires isn’t enough to gauge personalities, compatability…or mental health :wink: In my d’s case, she was also dealing with a person who refuse to honor a housing/living agreement. </p>

<p>I think with the increase of private investment in dorms, campuses will trend toward single rooms with shared bathroom facilities. They’ll have to do so to be competitive.</p>

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<p>Bumping in anticipation of IDmom’s “final report.”</p>

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<p>lol mezzomom! The final report was delayed due to my inability to put together proper sentences today. Long, long day…but I’ll give it a shot. </p>

<p>After ldgirl let the roommate know that she didn’t think things were working out, the roomie went a wee bit berserk and the last week has been tough. Every immature, ridiculous headgame possible was played by the roommate including locking my d out of the room, inviting overnight guests (total strangers to my d) every week night, telling everyone on the hall that my d was ‘forcing her to leave’, and so on. One week night she held court in their room until the early morning hours, calling in residents from the floor individually asking them who they would rather stay in the room. (Thank goodness, the overwhelming reaction was ‘this is weird, leave me out of this’.) While this little Sally Jessy Raphael moment was going on, my d was holed up in the study lounge preparing for an exam. She just did not, and does not, have time for this. I think the roommate was hoping to get a mandate from the floor for her to stay, so she could somehow convince housing to remove my d. When that didn’t work, the roommate made vague complaints to housing about my d in an effort to get them to force my d to move out. She was definitely taking cue from what had happened previously to ldgirl’s friend, but did not have the guts to make explicit false accusations. </p>

<p>Housing didn’t buy any of this nonsense and at the very last minute, the roommate finally gave up and moved out voluntarily. And I have to say… housing was great. They were very fair, recognized the bs… and I was very impressed with how they handled this situation. My d was prepared to move to get away from the roommate, but hoped she wouldn’t have to go that far. She has quite a few friends on the floor and was really upset at the idea of ‘starting over’ in a new place. So keeping out of the fray, staying apolitical, and knowing how to ‘bluff’ paid off. :slight_smile: ldgirl is enjoying a little privacy for now, but hopes she will get a new roommate soon. </p>

<p>This definitely took a toll. My girl is a toughy, stoic to a fault, never cries… and when I got a phone call from her in tears I knew the situation was becoming too much for her to handle. She just doesn’t do controversy. </p>

<p>There is still a bit stuff going on. While my d is out, the roommate is still coming into the room via the suitemate’s room. (She turned her key to the room in when she moved.) The suitemates are really nice and I don’t think they are aware of this. Why she is doing this I don’t know, but it makes me a little nervous. ldgirl has not reported it because she doesn’t want the situation stirred up again. </p>

<p>Soooo…this little soap opera seems to be winding down. Thank goodness…I was never a big fan of the genre…lol!</p>