Roommate problems already, haven't even moved in yet

<p>I met my future roommate. Her parents are much older than my parents. She has two siblings who I think are half siblings from before her parents married. They are much older too, as in, in their 30’s. My parents are closer in age to her siblings, as my parents are in their 40’s. Her parents are in their 60’s, the age of my grandparents. Age is not the problem.</p>

<p>I met my roommate and was thrilled. I thought she seemed nice and a lot like me. I noticed her mom seemed bossy though. She kept dismissing what my roommate would say and kept telling us how we would decorate our room and such. At one point, she started telling my parents and me about roommates boyfriend and it was clear she was competing with my boyfriend I guess. She said (exact words) “OUR boy is wonderful. He…” and then she went on to brag about him. My parents commented on it later. It was a bit off. But, we all thought she was nice, just awkward and probably didn’t realize how it came off.</p>

<p>Later…</p>

<p>I went to meet the roommate at her house. Well, once there, I got invited to spend the night. I said sure. What I did not realize is roommate didn’t want me there, it was her mother’s idea. Once we got in to her room, I was ignored for the rest of the night while she texted with her boyfriend. This ended up being very awkward. The next day, when I went to go home, we got stuck where we were meeting my parents to pick me up for a bit. She did not speak to me the whole time. We were supposed to just meet in a parking lot of a store, but I thought she wanted to go in. She never said she did not, just like she never said she did not want me to spend the night. While we walked around, I would try to talk to her and she would not say anything. Sometimes, she would just say “whatever you want.” And that was it. </p>

<p>As we were leaving and it was very awkward from the silence and all, my mom says to her “so, what are you doing tonight?” It is the 4th of July. Her mom already told us she was not working tonight, in front of her. There was no misunderstanding as she told us about her job at the time. But she answers “I am working tonight, all day and night, so I am not available, very busy.” Neither of us pointed out that we knew she was lying. But once my parents and I were alone in the car, we talked about it and yes, I was not mistaken about what was said.</p>

<p>I was not planning to ask her to do anything, but it was clear she thought I was going to and wanted to head it off. </p>

<p>Now I am very worried. I have the chance to live in the language house for the spring, if I continue to take the language in the fall. I had wanted to drop the language, but now I feel like I better keep the language, for just in case, so I can have an out to the language house. Honestly, I have always wanted to live in the language house ever since I first saw this college and learned about the language house, which was a few years ago. I don’t have to commit to the language house now, but, if I take the class in the fall, I am guaranteed the house for the spring. </p>

<p>I am so worried. I am not sure what I did wrong or if she just simply doesn’t like me. Or maybe it is because her mom is pushing so hard that she is rejecting me. Her siblings never went to college. </p>

<p>Let it go. She was probably hoping to have a quiet evening just texting with her boyfriend. He mim out the kabosh on that. See how the fall goes. You don’t have to be best friends…you just have to live together OK. There will be plenty of other students on your floor to become friends with.</p>

<p>Sounds like mom was pushing too hard. She may wanted to see her BF that night and her mother ruined her plan. When you are roommate, you don’t have to be friends and don’t need to hang out all the time.</p>

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<p>Truer words were never spoken. I think it’s best to assume that you WON’T be best friends, because that puts a lot of unnecessary stress on a relationship. </p>

<p>Not all roommates spend the night at one of their homes together before moving in. Many have only met each other online. What’s more important than being close friends is if the room mates are compatible and considerate of each other. It would not be as easy for a “messy” to live with a “neat freak”, a night person living with someone who goes to sleep early, a studious student with someone who wants to have people over all the time. </p>

<p>Just contact her online to work these issues out, and discuss how each of you can be comfortable in the room and considerate of each other. Sometimes it is as simple as buying earphones if one of you listens to music while the other wants to sleep, and arranging the room so that if one is sleeping and the other is awake, you don’t bother each other. </p>

<p>It’s OK for two room mates to not be the best of friends if they are compatible. My guess is that your room mates mother engineered the whole sleep over, and your room mate had other plans and was sulking about it. I have a hunch this had little to do with you, and more to do with her not wanting to have to go along with mom’s agenda. Mom is not going to college. Once at college, your room mate will have the space to do what she wants to do, and she might not have much of an idea what that is with mom calling the shots. Just give her time and space, be pleasant to her, and let your relationship develop on it’s own to whatever it might be. You may just be aquaintances with separate groups of friends, but that is OK.</p>

<p>I am going to be the voice of dissent here and say “run for the hills” if you can. Clearly there was no effort on her part to start off on the right foot with you. She also sounds like a bit of a bully considering she refused to engage, even when you asked her a question. This is rude beyond belief, especially when 2 people are trying to establish a positive relationship. Whatever her problem is, it’s not yours to deal with. Since you have advance knowledge of what I would consider serious issues, I would try to make alternate arrangements. Why start out your college experience with someone like this? Plus your making alternate arrangements will send her a strong message. </p>

<p>This is the time to do it. You won’t get the housing office to pay much attention in the Fall when they are getting plenty of these types of calls. </p>

<p>So much drama. That is why the SMART schools defer all possible contacts by NOT disclosing the identity of roommates until move in day. Takes the drama out and precludes the Sherlock Mommies to google the other family to death, or even more! </p>

<p>Tip? Text or email the girl with something along the lines …OMG, that was horrible. MY parents were crazy with all those forced meetings. I look forward to meet you in better circumstances and without the parents. </p>

<p>I agree Xiggi that it is best to leave the first meeting until school starts. But after being treated so poorly by this girl why should she contact her? They both were thrown into an awkward situation - OP made the best of it and the roommate was insulting. </p>

<p>I would email her and ask her what the deal is and does she really want to room together. She may want to get out of rooming with you as well. </p>

<p>I think that she was probably motivated by being fed up with her mother’s pushy, controlling behavior, but I agree with HarvestMoon1: she treated you very badly and was very rude. I have sympathy for a kid who is pushed around all of the time, but I would rather not play a part in their psychodrama. </p>

<p>I would definitely take the language this fall and keep your options open. I don’t know that I would go so far as to ask for a room change. The best thing I’ve seen written about roommates is that you should look at it as a business relationship., not a friendship. If you end up being friends, fine. If not, no need for hostility. </p>

<p>I agree with Xiggi that texting or emailing her to say something about it being awkward being asked to spend the night and you had the feeling she wasn’t up for it. (This doesn’t excuse the way she treated you, her mother was the problem, not you.)</p>

<p>Actually…her mother may have initiated the overnight…but the roommate was rude. Sorry, she was. And it doesn’t sound like the mother cared!</p>

<p>My concern is if this is the way this girl handles problems this could be a very difficult year for the OP. Anytime her roommate is upset she may behave this way and make living with her (even in a business type relationship) quite uncomfortable. Believe people when they show you who they are. This girl is a mess and I would not want to be living her with her drama.</p>

<p>I agree with HarvestMoon1, run for the hills!</p>

<p>I agree with getting out while you can. If there is no other option, of course you make the best of things. But why set yourself up for a miserable situation just for the experience of learning to deal with it? There will be plenty of opportunities to deal with things that you can’t change down the line. Try to make your life simple and enjoyable whenever you can. Your freshman year is a once in a lifetime experience, why not try to have a positive experience, if possible?</p>

<p>Just keep in mind…your newly assigned roommate could be a clunker too. Be prepared for just about anything.</p>

<p>DD had freshman roommate issues. Her first roommate moved out to be in the same dorm as her boyfriend…three weeks into the term. This left DD with no roommate (or rug, microwave or fridge…is we bought them all for her…DD had purchased the TV, bed linens and wall decor. We came from. 3000 miles away…roomie was local). So in October, the RA said DD would be getting a new roomie. No one showed up. After thanksgiving, still no one. After Christmas, a new roomie was sort of there. This gal lived locally but had a dorm room. She went home every Friday after classes and DD never saw her until Minday night. BUT when this gal was there, she insisted on studying in the room until all hours of the night. DD went to the RA…and asked that this gal be told to go to the study lounge which happened. But she made it very clear to DD that NO guests were allowed in the room…ever.</p>

<p>Well…that went on all of winter quarter. Spring quarter, DD NEVER saw this gal in the room at all. In fact, they had to call her to get her things OUT when move out day came.</p>

<p>I’m only saying this…it’s the devil you know vs the devil you don’t know.</p>

<p>Yeah, my freshman roommate was a dud. I imagine she thought I was, too! She was in a “top” sorority, while I was an engineering student. We were like oil and water. She was rarely in the room because she had a serious boyfriend. She accused me of going through her things. I was happy when that year was over!</p>

<p>I agree that the roommate’s behavior was odd, rude, and doesn’t bode well, but I don’t think you have any reasonable grounds for a roommate change, so try not to assume the worst, as it is possible that your fears are overblown. Having an aloof, distant roommate isn’t the worst thing in the world.</p>

<p>I also wouldn’t question her about her behavior at all, as it is likely to create drama, and I don’t see any potential for good coming out of it. If it turns out this was a bad day for her and you wind up getting along fine, great - problem solved, no need for further discussion. If it turns out that she’s an awful person, a discussion isn’t really going to help. What I would do now is limit my contact with her to the bare minimum necessary before move-in, and then play it by ear once you get there. </p>

<p>I think the worst thing people can do is allow others to treat them badly and say nothing about it. This teaches the offender that it’s ok to be rude, offensive and mean. The OP needs to express that this is not ok behavior and expect things to be different. If not, then make arrangements to move on…</p>

<p>^^^ Agree 100%. You cannot be reasonable with an unreasonable person. </p>

<p>I agree that at least an email expressing that it wasn’t the best way to meet and taking the foreign language would be good. Although at many colleges it is possible to swap rooms anyway at winter break if things don’t work out. They don’t advertise it, but more students go abroad in spring than fall, and some students drop out after one semester, so there is usually some loosening of housing spaces then if you ask to move. Housing may not accommodate a move request now, though, depending on the housing situation.</p>

<p>My kids both had difficult roommates freshman year. D1’s roommate was a heavy partier who rarely went to class, regularly sexiled D with no notice, and ended up flunking out eventually. D1 moved at the end of the first semester, just easier than living with that. D2’s roommate had moved in before D2 arrived, and had arranged the room as if it were a single. Lofted her bed in front of the only window and put her desk under it, and took the whole wall designated as poster space and covered it with her things. D2 is not one to rock the boat, so she did not ask for a change (I sure would have, but you gotta let them deal with this stuff themselves). They lasted the whole year, but mostly by not talking to each other, and roomed with others the next year. OP, you can go either route if things don’t work out – move or stick it out with little relationship with the roommate.</p>