<p>Simply stated … because you’ve got NOTHING to lose! Asking for an explanation serves no purposes. The contact that intimates that it was all the parents fault (which I happen to think is what happened here on BOTH sides) might put the incident behind all parties, and allow the two girls to start fresh. </p>
<p>And if more bad behavior follows, you MIGHT have a chance to document why a roommate change is warranted. At this stage, I really do not think that the school will do anything about a little feud outside the school. I would be floored if a change of roommate happens at all – knowing how school admins work. </p>
<p>In so many words, trying to defuse the problem is pretty much all one can do; that or let it go, and hope for the best when school starts. And by ALL MEANS, the two girls should agree to leave the parents entirely out of this mess. There is NOTHING the parents can do to make it better, except butt out. It is obvious that both sets of parents created this silly affair by pushing and contacting the other family. </p>
<p>It’s very hard to predict roommate situations – my daughter was very worried about the roommate thing, but met another admitted student via social media soon after she was admitted – an email friendship blossomed so they asked to room together when they submitted their housing apps, but it ended up being a disaster. They tried to maintain some semblance of a friendship, but they ended up detesting one another and were not on speaking terms by the time they graduated. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like the prospective roommate may have very poor social skills, perhaps due to a dominating parent and being raised among older siblings. She appeared rude because she ignored the OP and didn’t speak up about her own desires (saying “whatever you want” the mall rather than asserting her preferences) – but she could also be a person who is very shy and passive, and doesn’t really know how to engage well with peers. That could also be a problem in a roommate – but maybe not. She could be a very quiet roommate who keeps to herself, but perhaps she is also neat and orderly, and avoids doing anything to offend – whereas another, more sociable roommate might be a partier who keeps late hours and assumes that her roommate’s clothing, cosmetics, and other possessions are meant to be shared. </p>
<p>I’d go with the email and word it in such a way that it is not accusatory – but probe a little to find out whether the roommate’s behavior was personal – or just a reflection of the roommate’s discomfort with the situation. It is true that the roommate’s lack of social graces and passivity could definitely make her hard to live with… but again, there are many ways that the situation could be worse. </p>
<p>Also-- to the OP – try to arrive at the dorm for the fall ahead of roommate and her mom-- her mom sounds like the type who will commandeer 75% of the shared room and its furnishings for her daughter. If you get there first, you can at least stake out claim to your side of the room. </p>
<p>You usually will not become best friends with your college roommate. What is most important for a college roommate is if your living styles are similar, such as
Night owl vs morning lark
Messy vs neat
Boyfriend and how much you want boyfriend to be hanging around in your room
Having other people hanging in your room vs relative privacy</p>
<p>Put yourself in her shoes…she may have had a (secret) evening planned with her boyfriend when her pushy mom invited you to spend the night at her house. Maybe she is terribly sad that she will be moving away from her boyfriend soon and your presence is reminding her of this. </p>
<p>I agree with sending a brief text saying that was weird and blaming both of your parents.</p>
<p>Start at college with a clean slate. If it is unbearable for you there, then request a roommate change.</p>
<p>My kid also had a slight problem with one of her roommates that prompted her to seek counseling. She refused to tell me what it was, but I’m glad she resolved it already and will room with the same roommate again. The third roommate that she really clicked with will not be the one she will share room with next year. It’s unfortunately things didn’t start out ok but it can be resolved and I hope you can go on to be friends but not best friends. I did remember she told me she had nothing in common with the two roommates and I said that’s good, there was no need to be best friends.</p>
<p>This is sick behavior, on the part of both mother and daughter. I don’t think you should decide to take the language course to get out of this roommate situation: that should be a separate matter and you should take the language course only if you want to take it, period.</p>
<p>I would call the college housing office and say you definitely, most definitely, cannot room with this person. You need a new roommate, period. I agree with running for the hills, or maybe driving at top speed. You are under no obligation to “make it work.” It hasn’t started yet.</p>
<p>I have never actually heard of roommates spending time before school starts, but maybe that is more common these days. It sounds to me like the mom has some reasons to fear her daughter’s social adjustment won’t be smooth and wanted to get ahead of it. Very bad sign.</p>
<p>The daughter’s behavior was beyond belief. DON’T room with her!</p>
<p>p.s. your comments on age were offensive to me, for reasons that might be obvious…they weren’t relevant and may alienate others…</p>
<p>I think this girl can’t wait to get away from her family and go to school. She might explode with the freedom!</p>
<p>Do you live in the same town? Do you have friends in common? If you connected through facebook or some other social media, check and see if you otherwise seem compatible. Her mother won’t be there - or do you live close enough that her mother WILL be there? That would be a bigger problem to me.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for whoever gets my daughter for a roommate. She’s nice and easy to get along with, but she’s a slob and she has hockey equipment that smells. I hope she can find someone who can put up with the mess.</p>
<p>I would take the language class so you have the option of moving into the language house in the spring. The roommate’s mother sounds very pushy and controlling. </p>
<p>OP will you be an incoming freshman in the Fall or a returning student? How did the meeting between you and the roommate materialize? Did they contact you or did you contact them suggesting a get together?</p>
<p>You did nothing wrong. And there’s no way she could possibly dislike you, when she didn’t even talk to you! No, this girl sounds very immature and self-centered. Even if she was angry with her mom for setting this up, her behavior was not normal. Most people would have it out with their mom privately, and still be polite to the guest. Most people would be eager to make a good impression on someone they’re going to be living with for the next year, even if they don’t seem to be the “best friend” type. </p>
<p>If I were you, I would try to switch roommates. If that’s not possible, just try to think of her as a “fixture” in your room; she’s going to be there, but you don’t have to interact with her unless it’s necessary. You can do your thing, and she can do hers. And maybe, if you’re lucky, she’ll turn out to be a bit more pleasant once she’s away from home. Good luck!</p>
<p>I agree with Calmom. The roommate was rude, but we don’t know what the circumstances were with the crazy mom. At college, the roommate won’t be the host, and it will be perfectly fine if she wants to go about her business separately instead of entertaining the OP. This experience would scare me if I were in the OP’s shoes, but I don’t think we know how the roommate will act when she’s out from under mom’s thumb and not responsible for hosting. Lots of roommate pairs live peacefully together without becoming friends.</p>
<p>You don’t know what may have been going on with this girl. Maybe she had a fight with her boyfriend during all that texting. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and not “run for the hills” just because of one awkward visit.</p>
<p>This story has definitely made me decide NOT to encourage my D to visit her future roommate ahead of time! I think getting to know one another online or through email is probably the best way.</p>
<p>Comments such as “get a new roommate quickly” makes me wonder how much people understand about housing assignments at residential colleges. It is totally unrealistic to think that a freshman could request a roommate change based on this ModernFamily episode. </p>
<p>Parts of graduating from high school includes gaining the maturity to understand that time has come to leave the little dramas behind. This parental forced get together was a bad idea that should be ignored in its entirety. </p>
<p>If THIS was an issue, the first weeks of college will be a rude awakening. </p>
<p>@compmom I am sorry. I only said the ages to paint a picture of the whole situation. My parents are much younger and I am one of the first to go to college. Her parents are much older than my own parents and seem to have taken control of everything. I have younger siblings and she has older siblings-but older by so much that she did not grow up with them. That was the point of mentioning the ages. Nothing to offend at all. I was thinking maybe her parents are being like this because she is basically their only child and the older siblings she has didn’t go to college and left home a long time ago. So I am sorry I offended. That was my only reason for saying the ages, not any sort of discrimination. Just an attempt to paint the entire picture that might have led to this. She essentially grew up an only child where as I grew up with siblings and foster siblings. I am one of the older kids to go off to college where as she is the youngest and only to go to college.</p>
<p>OP I can discern from the above post that you take other people’s feelings seriously and do not like to offend. In fact I perceive that it upsets you if you feel someone else might be angry with you. All the more reason to attempt to find another roommate. You seem to me to be much too decent of a person to be able to cope with the treatment you received at this girl’s house on a continuous basis. I think another poster earlier in the thread stated it perfectly - “believe people when they show you who they are.” Do yourself a favor and see if other arrangements can be made.</p>
<p>It may not be possible to change roommates at this point (although you can try). I would advise my own child to wait it out and see how it goes. She may end up being OK, maybe not a friend, but tolerable. You will make plenty of other friends at college. </p>
<p>My own D did not think she was going to like her freshman year roommate, based on her Facebook profile and limited email communication. But they ended up being best friends all the way through college and “walked” together at graduation. You never know. </p>
<p>College is a big adjustment. After this visit the OP has even more to worry about; it’s going to put a damper on her whole sunmer. She should try her absolute best to change roommates right now. This is not a nice girl -why enter college with an instant barrier?</p>
<p>My D had a similar freshman roommate (without the overbearing mom) She liked it -sort of. She made other friends and her roommate spent most weekends visiting her BF. There was no pressure to socialize with the roommate after the first week. They each did their own thing. As long as the roommate isn’t coming in drunk in the middle of the night or making scenes it will probably work out. You just make different friends. </p>
<p>Of course different schools have different ways of addressing housing change requests, Xiggi, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t try to get out of her assignment to room with this person. Try, is all. --</p>
<p>I do agree with Xiggi. Schools don’t want to honor these requests before the year starts and students haven’t had a chance to live together. We see threads out here were students (and parents!) don’t like the look of the roommate due to Facebook posts or email exchange info. Occasionally a nasty racist or homophobic undertone to the request… (NOT in this case, just saying that is one reason some people don’t feel comfortable with an assigned roommate). Because these are some reasons people ask to change housing before starting freshman year, I think housing offices are very reluctant to honor such changes.</p>
<p>I am going to say… one of my kids tends to be almost reclusive, and would not have responded well to a forced parent get together with a future roommate. She would not have spoken much, might have texted with friends, and would have acquiesced to whatever the roommate wanted. As her parent I know that and wouldn’t have dreamed of forcing a get together pre-school on her, but the roommate’s mom in this situation might have for some dumb reason thought it was a good idea. My kid wouldn’t be the outgoing, friendly, bubbly roommate some people would want. But she is quiet, not too slobby (compared to her sister, at least), and I think is an unobtrusive roommate as they go. I think the OP ought to send a message commenting on the awkwardness of it, but also make a Plan B for moving rooms at Winter Break if things are really terrible. Remember that part of your RA’s job is to help mediate roommate disputes, too, so if you end up with conflicts once you move in together, don’t hesitate to engage the RA for help.</p>