<p>I don’t see how giving the parents’ and siblings’ ages provides much of a picture about how your future roommate may have grown up. My parents are much older than yours; my father was in his 60s before I finished high school and my mother was not far behind. I have siblings that are considerably older than me as well. I hardly think that this says very much about my personality or the way I grew up. While some trend may apply in the aggregate, you’re remiss to ignore the wide spectrum of individual variation. You are going to meet many people who come from families very different than your own in college. I don’t believe you would do well to make many assumptions about what their backgrounds might mean.</p>
<p>In any case, I would not pursue a new roommate. Even if it seems like you would not be best friends with this one, it hardly seems like you would be enemies. It seems like you can peacefully coexist in the same room, whether or not you’re close. I might send a message to the roommate saying that while you enjoyed meeting her, you couldn’t help noticing that the situation wasn’t the best, and that you hope you can both make a fresh start in the fall.</p>
<p>I never really met my roommates until the day we started rooming together. We realized a bit later that we had all gone to one orientation event and had been seated at the same table. One of my roommates recalled that she had thought I seemed snooty. She may have been right (:)), but we three became friends within weeks of living together and four years later we are all still close.</p>
<p>I agree with intparent. I have a very quiet introverted S who would have handled being forced to entertain and stranger in his room for an overnight very badly. He’s not a big talker even in the best of circumstances. But he CAN room well with people-he was in the Navy and certainly had to live with people he didn’t know. He did, however EXPECT that. Sometimes you don’t get to see a person as they really are. </p>
<p>I think this girl was put on the spot and didn’t handle it well. It doesn’t come close to being a reason to run for the hills. Imagine if SHE were the one posting: “My overbearing parents forced me to have my future roommate on a sleepover. They didn’t even ask if I had plans and my BF and I were going out that night to our favorite hangout-where we met. Silly, I know, but I felt really bad at canceling at the last minute like that. I didn’t know what to say to this girl and she was all “I want us to be BFF’s.” I don’t know, I just kind of closed off and waited for the night to be over. Then she wanted to get together again later the next day! I lied and said I was working but really, enough is enough. I can’t wait to get away from my parents and their micromanagement.” We everyone be telling HER to run for the hills?</p>
<p>Send the girl a note, agree to start over in the fall and learn to live together. No one should expect a roommates to be best friends. In fact ROOMING with a good friend can END the friendship. Happened to my older D and her friend after getting an apartment together. </p>
<p>I haven’t found first impressions to be very helpful unless it reveals something about the room mate that would lead to conflict- like someone who liked to party being paired with someone who needed quiet time. Sometimes the conflicts develop over time and it usually starts with someone not communicating or being inconsiderate- like having people over all the time. Communication can also break down if one room mate is rarely around and is always out with friends. I’ve heard of one student whose room mate had a mental illness, and the school intervened to get the student treatment- but it wasn’t possible to know that at one meeting. </p>
<p>I think communicating with this room mate- not about the incident but about sharing the room- such as asking about sharing items like fridge/microwave, study habits, playing music ( headphones are important if one wants music on and the other doesn’t). If the room mate continues to be unresponsive and not communicative, then maybe that would be an issue, but you could give her the chance to try. </p>
<p>I still think it’s crazy to let this behavior go without some sort of inquiry. The OP can’t be afraid to ask what was up? Why was she treated so poorly? If she doesn’t set the tone on how their relationship is going to be, then even a “business” type roommate experience will be uncomfortable. This is not like sharing an apartment where a person can go to their own room and shut the door. They are living in an extremely small space and to be ignored (even if your are not friends) is certainly not the way I would want to spend 6 months of my freshman year. </p>
<p>It might very well come up, but there are ways to do it. A follow up e mail about rooming together might open the door for further discussion. Maybe the other room mate doesn’t want to room together. It isn’t that she can’t discuss it, but maybe allowing for the room mate to say something about it is another way to address it. </p>
<p>Certainly repeated transgressions need to be brought up. What would be a problem would be if the behavior was part of the room mates poor communication style. In this case it would show it self in other discussions. By engaging in discussions, the OP can see if this is a pattern. </p>
<p>Maybe I’m not articulating it well, but there are basically two choices here- back out now, or give the room mate some time and opportunities to show more of herself. A lot depends on the OP. Like bisouu, this might be an issue of importance. Me, personally, I try to see more of the story. I’m not always right. The room mate might be a nightmare. I would not expect someone to be miserable for all of freshman year, and we all have a different threshold for different behaviors. </p>
<p>When I was in college, If a room mate was moody and hard to deal with once in a while, and there weren’t bigger issues, that was not a big deal. Chronic moodiness and non communication would be. I agree that this was a bad first impresssion, and not a good move on the part of the room mate. It’s not a good sign, but again the OP can get out now, or see if this is indicative of how she will be the rest of the time. </p>
<p>This sounds like a thing between roomie and mother to me - I doubt that it reflect on you at all. The mom sounds amazingly pushy but it actually might bode well that the roomie resisted the mom. Pre-college sleepovers with a stranger sound like a bit much to me as well. The mom was rude in springing that on you both. One could flip it around and say that you should have made up any excuse not to “impose” on roomie if you noticed any hesitation at all on her part. You could suck it up and right a very short message to her apologizing for taking up the offer - that you realized too late that it wasn’t good timing for roomie. She might turn out to be a great person if you re-break the ice minus mom.</p>
<p>Saintfan, makes a very good point. Did you want to sleep over with a girl you just met? I’m guessing no because I sure wouldn’t and doubt if my kids would either. And, if the answer is no then you just say, “No thanks”, and that’s the end of that lousy idea. At this point I would try to find out what’s really going on here or try to arrange another roommate situation if that’s even possible. Good luck.</p>
<p>I can’t wrap my brain around the idea that OP should be apologizing for anything. And if any email has to be sent I would simply acknowledge that it did not go well and perhaps give her the opportunity for an “out”. But if this were my own child asking for advice, my suggestion would be to explore other options and see if she could diplomatically make other arrangements. May not be easy to do, but will be near impossible in the Fall. Otherwise, I would make sure to secure the language dorm for the Spring term. Most things are “doable” when you know they are temporary.</p>
<p>Harvest, the out card is played by assuming some of the blame for this bad situation. The OP cannot blame the girl and hope for that to go over too well. Same thing for blaming the parents who opened their house. That leaves to shift the blame onto her own parent! And, for the record, I think that those parents ARE the culprits here? </p>
<p>Culprits not for displaying a bad attitude but to either allow or create this charade in the first place. At best, they allowed the OP to put herself in a bad situation. Did they not think it was a bad idea to leave their daughter behind with … strangers? The mistake was to indulge a daughter who appears to show sure signs of immaturity and unwarranted expectations. </p>
<p>It is good to remember the “bad” girl did not choose her upcoming roommate. She filled in her profile and she got a stranger. She might now have 99 reasons to seek a change herself! Perhaps that is exactly what she concluded after the visit started. </p>
<p>What signs of immaturity and unwarranted expectations do you perceive in the OP? It has not been established yet whose idea it was to set this whole thing up in the first place (unless I missed that post). And if the other girl has found “99 reasons to seek a change herself” then they both are on the same page and should look into what can be done.</p>
<p>Harvestmom, those signs are all over the first posts, and in several prior posts by the same writer. And, if you were looking at the writing patterns, you might find them showing up surprisingly in … more than one CC persona. Look for financial aid issues at the flagships, kids going to small colleges, high school drama, peer recognition, family issues, name it. </p>
<p>All very bizarre, but easy to spot when you understand the suburban dynamics that permeate the related posts.</p>
<p>I still don’t see any benefit to addressing this in an e-mail. First of all, I do think there’s at least a possibility here that the OP is overthinking this and, out of her own anxiety about the relationship, perhaps has an exaggerated impression of how bad the behavior was. Maybe someone who was a little less on edge herself would have come out of the meeting and said “Huh. She seemed quiet and kind of dull. Probably not someone I want to be best friends with” and moved on. But even if she really was texting the entire time and giving monsyllabic answers, the way I see it, here are the possibilities:</p>
<ol>
<li>She really is a horrible person. In that case, an e-mail isn’t going to do any good, and might make it harder to ultimately establish at least a polite relationship.</li>
<li>She turns out not to be so bad. In that case, an e-mail isn’t going to do any harm, but it also isn’t going to do much good, because you would have discovered that in due course of time in any case. It might have some benefit, in that a cordial response would allay your immediate anxieties, but it could also backfire in that she might be a decent person, but somewhat aloof and awkward, in which case addressing it directly could increase the awkwardness. </li>
</ol>
<p>My next e-mail to her - and it wouldn’t necessarily be this week – would be something friendly brief, and practical involving logistics for move-in and getting things for the room.</p>
<p>I totally agree with apprenticeprof. In my opinion, trying to have it out now, especially via email (!), is a really bad idea. </p>
<p>I know that if I were the roommate in this situation – whether I was just having a bad day or whether I was habitually unfriendly and antisocial or maybe just shy and awkward – I would be really taken aback to receive an email asking me what my deal was. Talk about creating unnecessary drama! Even an email saying “wow, that was awful, sorry my parents forced us into that situation” is pretty problematic for someone who, let’s face it, is still a stranger to you.</p>
<p>I would totally let it lie, only email with casual logistical stuff, and – if you feel the need – contact the housing office and see if any switches can be made before school starts. I bet they won’t do it, though, so you’d better plan to try to make the best of it. I think there’s still a very good chance that you’ll end up getting along fine – maybe not being besties, but sharing a room comfortably. </p>
<p>I did not say that OP “should” apologize or that she had done anything wrong. I just suggested that the gracious thing to do might to be to stop trying to be right and just issue an ice breaking “so sorry, I realize that was awkward” overture to the roomie and she might find that everyone agrees that the mom was pushy and they move on happily from there. OP could still believe that roomie was not the perfect host but what can it hurt to just acknowledge the awkward then let it go.</p>
<p>I think I would suggest that the OP write an email that says “I know things were awkward the other night and I got the feeling you didn’t really want me to spend the night but your mom was encouraging it. I want you to know that when we’re rooming together, I’m hopeful that we can communicate openly and you’ll be able to tell me what you’re thinking and feeling. so things won’t feel so strained between us. I promise I will do the same.” </p>
<p>Controlling parents come in all age groups and it’s a matter of personality, not age.</p>
<p>With that being said, I don’t feel the OP has anything to apologize for nor should she be writing any emails to that effect. Even for the sake of being gracious. </p>
<p>What the roommate did to OP was rude and wrong, period. There’s absolutely no excuse or justification for her taking out her anger on a new stranger who had no previous knowledge of the roommate’s relationship with her mother or the control issues involved. </p>
<p>If anything, those issues AREN’T OP’S PROBLEM NOR HER RESPONSIBILITY. For the roommate to treat her in such a manner implies that it was. Not something I’d agree with in this case…</p>
<p>I agree with those who say if possible, find another roommate as this shows a level of self-absorbedness and immaturity which no one should have to put up with. This is college…not middle school. </p>
<p>If you want to ride it out, I agree with those to only address the logistics of the move-in and avoid/minimize any mention of that rude encounter in an email. </p>
<p>I also find it troubling some are bringing up the “one doesn’t have to be best friends” regarding the roommate’s reported treatment of OP. Sorry, but the roommate’s reported behavior doesn’t even meet the basic standards of civility, much less one I’d expect for strangers/acquaintances or moreso friends invited as guests in one’s home. </p>
<p>As one CC commenter is fond of saying, roommate’s reported reaction, if true, seems to show she was “raised in a barn”. </p>
<p>Does anyone else find it ironic that some people express surprise that the sleepover was with a “stranger” when the OP is eventually going to end up rooming with a stranger (either this person or another person) in college anyway?</p>
<p>I had a very positive roommate experience (rooming with someone I already knew), and I have supported my children having college roommates. However, it really IS weird that a first year college student is usually forced into a rather intimate relationship (sharing a small room, sleeping near each other, and having personal possessions in places they could be stolen) with a stranger. And, yes, I am fully aware of the requirements of the military. :)</p>
<p>I don’t think this is about you and her; I think this is about an overbearing mom.
Her mom somehow talked her and you into this get together without her true agreement.
Her saying she had to work was a polite way of getting out of the situation without making anyone feel too bad. She might have thought your mom’s “What are you doing tonight” was an invitation to do more even though it might have been a “what activities do you have planned” conversational topic.</p>
<p>I think I would wait until you get to school…if the mom tries to interact with you during move in suddenly remember you had a meeting with your advisor. I think your roommate may see you as on her mom’s side and you want to be on her side.</p>
<p>When you are alone say “Sorry about that night I came over. I totally thought that was your idea and not your mom’s. Obviously once i got there I didn’t really know what to do. Some of us are going to the cafeteria now, would you like to join us?”</p>