Roommate who clearly lied on Rooming Questionnaire

Parents Forum
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<p>Looking for any other parents experiencing this…</p>

<p>My D is a serious student who is not comfortable around alcohol and whose friends have always been sweet non-party-ers. She filled out the Rooming Questionnaire accordingly – quiet room, go to sleep by midnight etc.</p>

<p>Well, she has a roommate whose parents clearly suggested that she fill out the questionnaire to get a quiet room where she could always know she could get sleep…when she returns from partying at 3am! My sweet D likes the girl and will not make a fuss, but she also avoids conflict and is just dealing with being woken up regularly and having to listen to this girl skype at all hours of the night to her friends at home and at school!</p>

<p>I am so angry since she clearly lied on the Rooming Questionnaire.Now I have to spend the weekend with her parents who had flown in from CA and outfitted their room with hundreds of dollars of furniture from Pottery Barn over moving in weekend. </p>

<p>I just want to believe that we are not the only ones dealing with this!</p>

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<p>Sympathies!..but I’m not sure I understand the use of “sweet” as a descriptor! FWIW, my D was a non-party-er, and her roomate was…less so…she even got “sexiled” a few times, and it worked out okay…</p>

<p>FWIW, my D came back as a sophmore, roomie didn’t!</p>

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<p>After midterms, she’ll start fretting over her grades and then go into a panic-mode tailspin into December. Then she’ll get read the riot act by her parents and be on academic probation for the Spring Semester if they allow her to continue. It seems like a pretty common story.</p>

<p>The thing that stinks is that your daughter has to live with it for a semester.</p>

<p>Sometimes you have to push a little in life.</p>

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<p>Maybe the roomie didn’t lie. Maybe she just got to college and became a Girl Gone Wild. Can dd request a change?</p>

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<p>That is funny!</p>

<p>If it makes you feel any better, my D portrayed herself as “social” on her rooming questionnaire (checking boxes like, “would like room to be a social gathering place, prefers to study in library, stays up past midnight, etc.”). She ended up with 3 hard-core pre-med-type science majors who never want to do anything but study! She feels like she got a raw deal, too.</p>

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<p>Our older D was terribly mismatched with her freshman roommate. D watches virtually no TV, and checked something like that on the questionnaire; but her roommate never turned the TV off (nor did she ever ask if D minded). She told her parents that “she never watched TV” but that she couldn’t keep her scholarship because the college was just too tough.</p>

<p>So, did roommie lie twice (once on the questionnaire, once to her parents), or was she honestly clueless about the fact that she was a TV addict?</p>

<p>Looking back, we might have pushed D harder to change roommates at the semester break …</p>

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<p>Son got pretty lucky in his suite, but during parent orientation stuff, the head of student life was speaking and said something along the lines of, “You know all the housing questionnaire that your students labored over?” (truth: it was all of three questions) “I have no idea what we do with those.” It got a big laugh from the parents… well, most of them anyway.</p>

<p>Seriously though, leave it to your daughter to work out. As my son so succinctly put, “This is my experience.” And despite it being said in a way that was less than respectful, he was right. If D wants to do something about it, she will have to be the one to do that. But from your post, your D actually likes the girl and can therefore have a conversation about being a lot more quiet when she comes in and taking her laptop into the lounge if she is going to skype so late at night. </p>

<p>The idea that there is no room for compromise isn’t really embracing the whole college experience of meeting people different from yourself. Certainly, there are times when roommates need to change, but there is also a time when being a little bit more tolerant could do a world of good as well – from both sides. So… instead of planning for the girl to flunk out, or even sell her out to her own parents, why don’t you encourage D to have a little talk about how her late nights are making her nights kind of rough. If your D likes her, there must be some good reason. Don’t jump in. </p>

<p>May I also just add… I know lots of girls who might very well be on the party side of things and most of them are just as sweet as the girls that don’t party at all. Just an FYI.</p>

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<p>I never had a room-mate in college that ended up being a dream match. Yet I made it through. (and some of my stories might curl some hairs! Good thing my parents never knew!)
Seems your D is learning to cope, and this is a good thing, OP. You might be angry, but while I understand it, it is probably not useful. This, IMO, is part of the way it is at college, and part of learning tolerance as well as how to stand up for ones self when necessary. You raised your daughter right. She’ll step up to the plate and deal with it as she sees fit. Right now, again in my opinion, you are her sounding board. She gets to complain to you, then forget it and move on. If things get bad enough for intervention, hopefully she will seek advice from RA’s and housing. But for now, you provided just what she needed. Encourage her to communicate with her roomie if things get too bad… Other than that, I guess I would say, chill. (Not trying to be flip, meant with all due respect) There is a ton enough to stress about other than the lifestyle of your D’s roommmate. She has a level head. She’ll deal</p>

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<p>srb - Yours is not an unusual story. My D was in a triple freshman year. One day she returned from classes and one of her roommates had moved out. Never did find out where she went. In the spring she showed up and asked D if they could room together sophomore year!</p>

<p>This too shall pass. (And if it doesn’t pass quickly enough, have your D talk to the RA about switching rooms at Christmas Break.)</p>

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<p>my sympathies! It is hard to also learn to speak up if you are not a confrontational person by nature…but she should try speaking up about the skyping when she is asleep and other behavior that makes her girl lose sleep. </p>

<p>I lied on my application …30 years ago…I was a “social smoker” which means I was inconsiderate, didn’t want to think of myself as a smoker, didn’t know I smelled like smoke when I came home on weekends and my roommate’s father turned out to be the head of the Lung Association of the state. Just because I didn’t smoke in the room meant very little really. My roommate was such a nice person, and also tried to see my good points as girls will at age 18-19…and I would be mad if someone did this exact thing to my kid now. I apologize to her at every ten year reunion. Oh and I also sat in the stairwells and smoked as if it was not a nuisance for others…</p>

<p>In all honesty, if anyone had actually confronted me and asked me to cut it out, I would have done so because I did care what the other girls thought. Generally, they were just too polite to ask me to go outside or make me room with another person who smelled bad.</p>

<p>My sons also prayed for roommates with no obnoxious TVs freshman year…that is all so much easier to work out later on when your roommate is a familiar friend and you can risk negotiating with them and setting boundaries because you are friends and will work to make each other comfortable. TV was not a problem as they aged up because their roommates were reasonable and good friends.</p>

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<p>Life deals many blows–consider this one of them!</p>

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<p>I don’t think having a conversation with a roommate should be seen as “confrontational.” Just saying…</p>

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<p>I don’t blame you for being upset about the ‘mismatch’ and I would be as well but I don’t think you can assume that the roomie ‘clearly lied’ on the questionaire. She might have, but it’s not clear (from what you’ve stated).</p>

<p>Firstly, she could have answered indicating late nights, etc. and the college mismatched the students. This happens fairly frequently.</p>

<p>Secondly, she could have answered indicating the ‘quiet’ non-late nights thinking that’s what she’d do but once she got to college and away from home fell in with the partiers - i.e. she may have not ‘lied’ at the time of the app. A lot of students don’t start drinking and partying until they get to college and away from home.</p>

<p>Thirdly, maybe her parents filled out the questionaire or told her exactly how to answer! It happens. Colleges tell the families to let the student answer the questions themselves without the parents reviewing for just this reason.</p>

<p>Finally, she might well have answered the questionaire untruthfully knowing her parents would review everything before she submitted. She might also have felt uncomfortable answering truthfully - i.e. admitting her habits on a college questionaire.</p>

<p>If it’s a troublesome match then your D could try to switch to a more compatible roomie. This would probably make both her and her present roomie more comfortable. The alternative is to work it out as best as possible with the current roomie.</p>

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<p>My daughter’s school does not have a roommate questionnaire. You either request a specific roommate or take your chances. She got a triple last year and it worked out great, she is living with one of them again this year.</p>

<p>I actually think this is a better system because nobody has any preconceptions about their roommate(s). My daughter told me that the worst roommate disagreements/fights/etc. that she knew about occurred with people who had been friends in high school or found each other online.</p>

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<p>I think USCD outlined this pretty welll. Not liking something about your roommate doesn’t need to be confrontational. Has your D spoken to her roommate? Has she spoken with her RA privately, for suggestions? You D might be surprised to hear that her roommate is unhappy with something that she’s doing too.</p>

<p>Each of my kids has had some roommate mismatches. It doesn’t even have to be anything in the questionnaire. Mismatches can range from complaining about someone’s personal habits like snoring, borrowing clothes without permission, having friends in the room too much, to not liking how frequently a parent calls. </p>

<p>Many of our kids aren’t used to sharing a room. They’re stressed out and/or focusing on their roommates’s behavior because they’re now living so closely with someone else. They aren’t used to having someone else opening and closing their bedroom door or walking around in their own bedroom. Someone else’s family, spending, personal habits, socializing, becomes their own business, while they learn to live closely with a roommate. They feel infringed upon (both student and parent forget that the roommate’s family and roommate are analyzing and critiquing the roommate just as closely). Or Ds and Ss are telling Mom & Dad about the roommate in detail, for something to talk about. </p>

<p>Mom and Dad want to solve the problem for them or give them suggestions for handling it, the way parents always have helped to solve problems before. My suggestion is…don’t sweat the small stuff or get involved in this. Tell your D to talk to her roommate or the RA. Remind her that she can look into changing roommates. </p>

<p>It’s unfortunately common that a kid will tell parents something that is untrue as an excuse for poor grades, like that a kid never plays video games (when that kid plays them around the clock), or that a roommmate situation is keeping them from studying. </p>

<p>Modadunn’s post was great advice!</p>

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<p>srb you could have been me writing this comment only D has 2 roommates that party until 3 am! D loves to learn and is a science major. She likes small social gatherings but does not like to drink. She would rather be at the gym or playing a sport than at a party at 11:30 drinking. D likes to go to bed before midnight and gets up around 8. Roomies go to bed at 2, 3 or 4 and get up at noon. Her roomies are nice but they have nothing in common. All three of them are a different race and come from totally different background which is fine. The point is, either the truth was not told on the housing questionnaire regarding sleeping and drinking habits, the school did not really do matching or my D was a spare part and got put in a room with two others that were matched. It actually is working out ok (after only 1 week) because D is having to reach out and find new people she has things in common with and she has a little alone time which she enjoys at times. But she did call and ask if she was unsocial because she didn’t want to party, I told her to stick with what feels comfortable for her. It would all work out. She isn’t being excluded from anything that is not her choice. I guess this is part of the learning process.</p>

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<p>Last year, when my daughter was a freshman, she got onto the school’s facebook group and decided to " choose " her as a roommate…on the surface, it seemed like they had things in common, but other than being from the same state, they really didn’t so much.
There were no major issues , but it was a year full of adjustments. Both are very social, but mine tends to balance social activities better than the other girl and prefers quiet study time as opposed to guests in the room late at night.
Older daughter roomed with a girl that had nothing in common, both culturally and academically. Yet, they really hit it off and became friends.
As a side note, I don’t think that your daughter’s roommate necessarily lied…my own college roommate was a friend from high school that DID turn into " girls gone wild " when it high school she was very quiet and well behaved</p>

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<p>OP, Modadunn had some very good suggestions. At the very least your D could ask her roommate to Skype out in the lounge. The roommate could be oblivious that she is keeping your D awake. The entire process of negotiating with a roommate is just one life lesson well learned. As many have said it is entirely posible that the roommate did not lie on her questionaire and she has simply evolved at college. I would never consider this a conversation that you would have with the other rooommates parents. You daughter “owns” this process. As others have said, many kids these days have never had to share a bedroom with siblings so are just learning about the give and take.</p>

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<p>“Well, she has a roommate whose parents clearly suggested that she fill out the questionnaire to get a quiet room where she could always know she could get sleep…when she returns from partying at 3am! My sweet D likes the girl and will not make a fuss, but she also avoids conflict and is just dealing with being woken up regularly and having to listen to this girl skype at all hours of the night to her friends at home and at school!”</p>

<p>The roommate may not have lied. Plenty of people change when they go to college. I was one. :)</p>

<p>Your D needs to develop assertiveness and speak up. If she doesn’t, she’ll not only continue to be miserable with her rooming situation, she’ll be miserable in much of her life. People can’t read her mind. As long as your D says nothing, her roommate will think that what she’s doing is fine.</p>

<p>"Now I have to spend the weekend with her parents who had flown in from CA and outfitted their room with hundreds of dollars of furniture from Pottery Barn over moving in weekend. "</p>

<p>There’s no reason that you have to be intimately involved with the roommate’s parents even if they are coming to a Parents Weekend that you’ll be attending. You should not talk to them about your D’s concerns. Those concerns are for the roommates to work out. The kids are no longer in elementary school.</p>

<p>S had roommate from hell freshman year. S, a really nice, usually passive, laid back guy, laid down one firm rule – no alcohol in room because if any was found in the room, S would lose his scholarship. The roommate was an avid partier who would sometimes bring girls in the room in the wee hours and then have sex with them while S – who was not a partier – was trying to sleep.</p>

<p>Roommate left unwashed, sweaty clothes in the middle of the floor weeks on end. As long as roommate continued to follow the rule of no alcohol in the room, and roommate did follow that rule, S ignored the other problems.</p>

<p>S survived with good grades. He studied in the library, and made friends who shared his values. He’s currently a junior, and his current and soph year roommates were wonderful. </p>

<p>The problems your D is having are things that our kids have to work out for themselves. We can help by encouraging them get the assertiveness to deal with the roommate difficulties that are most important. We don’t help by blaming the system.</p>

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<p>Yes, this is the key.</p>