My son will be rooming with his best friend. I don’t know the best friend’s mom very well. However, I have taken this boy on vacation with us to Florida once in the past. This family is very poor. I tried to help out buy buying some of the “big” stuff for their dorm room…fridge, microwave, vacuum, fan, and I even offered to buy a futon and TV. Bought a few little things, like a first-aid kid, and a few decorative items (a couple small posters, a wire deer head with antlers, and a light). Seriously, they cannot afford any of this stuff…my son even gave the kid his old (1 1/2 year old) computer, that was not cheap when he bought it, because the kid didn’t have one…and they’re computer science majors! The mom freaked out on me that we should let them “decorate” their room themselves, or people will think they’re “gay” (which they’re not), and that on move-in day, we should just drop them off and leave. That is not my understanding of how this works. Am I in the wrong here? We are both first-time college moms. I have never “over-parented” or been a “helicopter” parent. If anything I have been TOO hands off with my kid. Not only that, my son graduated early so he’s 1 1/2 - 2 years younger than the other freshman. I feel like an idiot.
These kids don’t need you decorating and arranging their dorm room. It’s nice that you have stocked the place, but I’d stop now.
When drop off day comes, help move the stuff into the room, and maybe make the bed…maybe. Then offer to take your son out to lunch (he might say no…and that is OK). Then say goodbye and leave.
The boys will be able to deal,with their belongings all on their own…and most of their new college friends will be doing the same.
I think you should have stopped before you got o the decorative items, and let the guys take care of that themselves. But not because people will think they are gay! That is just nuts, not to mention at least borderline offensive. (So what if they were gay?)
I think you should take thumper1’s advice.
The vacuum alone is going to subject these kids to ridicule. Please don’t do that.
BTW, a wire deer head with antlers? I’m having a lot of trouble visualizing that. I think you should refrain from pushing them to take the decorative items at all.
Time to back off now. You and the roommate’s mom don’t have to be on the same page. In fact, either of you have to be on a page at all. This is about the boys. Let them work it out.
The “gay” comment was not mine…it was hers.
What thumper said. Haul, hug, and head out! 
The kids will have plenty of time to sort the stuff and arrange it. It would be helpful if you get them a tool kit - it would make the life easier. Also, double check the dorm policies on what is allowed in their rooms. Some do not let kids have microwaves! As far as “decor” goes, I think the lamp and the deer head is plenty at this point.
(And shame on the mom - it sounds like she has an anti-gay agenda!)
It might depend on the school - my kids’ schools had scheduled activities for both families and new students on move-in day. We adhered to the schedule and said goodbye at the appointed time.
They also coordinated with their new roommates on big items. I did get bedding ahead of time for my S (with his approval) and I made his bed when moving in, probably the first and last time his bed was ever made. My S and his roommates put up some posters but I wouldn’t call it decorating. We had budget constraints and were more than happy to have their roommates volunteer to bring the big ticket items.
How far away will they be? Our kids were more than a 24 hour drive, but if you aren’t too far you can wait and see what (if anything) they are lacking when they move in.
My D and her roommates were definitely into decorating/coordinating more than my S was.
Assuming your son had some input on the posters and other decor, it sounds as if you are just being considerate and trying to make life easier for the other family. You might check to see if they really need a microwave or vacuum as often the dorm has both and the rooms don’t usually have a lot of extra space. As far as hanging around on move-in day, it varies by kid and by school. It is usually best to help move their stuff into the room, but then let the roommates decide on where to place things and put everything away. It’s a good way for them to bond and to meet other students by leaving the door open as they unpack. Other students are reluctant to come in sometimes if parents are there. Many school have orientation activities planned so the students are very busy during move-in: picking up student ID’s, doing activities, etc. Sometimes a trip to Target of BB&B might be needed once they move in and figure out what they still need. If so, you might stick around to help with that. When my D went to school far away, we ended up taking a car load of kids to Target but then we sort of separated and let them go. With our youngest of 4, we pretty much dumped him and his stuff out and left. He had a lot going on and was very ready to be on his own. With one of our older ones who was a little worried, we spent the night but kind of distanced ourselves most of the time. We took her out to breakfast the next morning with her roommate as nothing else was planned, and then we left.
A few posters, a deer head, and a light aren’t exactly what I would call “decorating”. Not like we’re hanging wallpaper and coordinating bedding.
When my son goes to college next year, I plan to grab on to his ankles and scream as my husband drags me away. But the room décor is of no consequence to me.
I think you should let your son communicate with his roommate and then come to you if they need anything. Make the offer that you are happy to help in whatever ways they choose, or not at all if they don’t need you.
Posters and wire deer head. Sorry, but that is decorating. I would have freaked out if my roomies mom imposed her taste on us. You have been told by the other mom in a “not too tactful way” to back off. I would take the subtle hint.
If these are things you son asked for, I would say fine. If your son is young, then dont feel bad about making sure he is comfortable and has everything before you leave. This is a big step, and you know your kid best. Sometimes when they are unpacking they remember stuff they need and you are there to make a store run, especially if its not easy to get to a store. One of my kids could fly back each year, but every August I fly back with her, because she likes me to help her shop for food, etc, the first day.
Wondering how the mother found out what you had purchased? I would have just run the purchases by my son and if he liked them for his room then thats that. Why involve the other boy at all? Obviously they could not afford these things so no issue with duplicate purchases. They are just items YOUR son is bringing to college. I think the other mother is kind of rude and the gay comment was just totally out of line. Steer clear would be my suggestion. No good will come of interacting with her.
Did she ever acknowledge the computer your son gave her son?
My son hasn’t, and never would, ask for anything. He is very humble that way. But he likes everything thus far. No one’s forcing anything on anyone.
I have to say I am intrigued…what kind of posters?
@jerseygirl67 Don’t worry, it was clear that the gay comment was not yours.
You are totally right. I just thought it would be polite to let her know what I bought so a) would take the pressure off of her financially and mentally and b) in the event she buys something, we are communicating and I’m not leaving her in the dark. Won’t make that mistake again! And no, there was no acknowledgement of the computer. I also helped her and her son by giving her for free all of the college application and financial aid advice that we paid professionals $1600 for.
Prints from the video game that they both play 24/7. My son saw them and said “Those are cool!”