Any chance you can let this other family make a contribution in their own way? Maybe they want to contribute something too…but you seem to be making all the big purchases.
I would put the money issue to rest. It is not pertinent to this situation.
Let the boys deal with their own college dorm room. Let them communicate with each other about things they need or want.
Then enjoy the rest of the time you have before move in day…which will be hectic in ways you can’t imagine.
Those posters sound fine. They reflect your son’s taste.
At son’s schools, the campus store sells posters and many other dorm accessories.
I suspect this mom is well aware of the difference in your financial circumstances. She probably has concerns that her son won’t be able to keep up with the pizza parties, etc.
Different families do things differently. Your plans for drop off may not mesh with hers, and that’s ok. If they want more time together, so be it - my 2 daughters dealt with drop off in completely opposite ways.
Stop the shopping. I swear 50% of what my older daughter went off with never got used. Most of the not used was stuff I thought she needed.
Start out minimalist and be there to provide money (if you wish) to your child to buy what he and roommate want after being there for a couple of weeks. The hard part is transporting all of the ‘stuff’. Believe me, less is more.
Also, back off. They are now or will be soon, legal adults. They should be able to ask for help as needed and otherwise manage their own affairs.
My daughter helped my son figure out what to do with the furniture, make his bed and set up his bureau. I helped plug in the power strips in such a way that son was happy. I then wandered the halls with wifey. I also took some pics and video. When son felt like he was in a “good place” we had lunch, took a little walk together as a family and then left him on his own. Don’t be bullied, but try to keep your expectations toned down, there isn’t much for parents to do on move in day. It’s like the epitome of “give me a ride and money”. Saying goodbye is what you should be thinking about. 
The other mother was wrong to make the gay comment but I think she’s right about the drop and run part. Also, buying everything like that might be making her feel badly about not being able to afford to just give her son stuff the way you can. It’s a fine line, you mean well, but it can be problematic.
It can be fun for kids to find great deals, free stuff people are giving away, trash picks, thrift store stuff, making an eclectic style but one they’ve created for themselves. I’d give space on this.
As long as your son and his friend/roommate are on the same page things should be ok. Perhaps you should let them decide what they want in their room and how to decorate, and let your son know that you are available if he should need anything. That way the ball is in their court and you and the other young mans’ mom can consult on the big stuff, if problems arise in the future, or if their needs change. Stick to the periphery and see how the rooming relationship develops independently.
My kid was just reading over my shoulder and said, “mom, where is my wire deer head with antlers?”
but OP, I get it…this is all new to me as well…honestly, I think starting small (no microwave, no vaccum) is the way to go…then see what happens…that kind of stuff can always be purchased later, if needed.
A vacuum cleaner for boys?
I am a girl, and I would also vote ‘no’ on the vacuum, as well as having S and roommate pick out their own decorations.
My son had a small stick vacuum cleaner. It was tiny. There was a vacuum for the floor someplace, but his friends in the dorm often borrowed this small vacuum.
we didn’t buy it…we had it. And DS asked if he could take it. DD did not have her own vacuum in college.
I like the idea of offering to help if the boys ask for help. That way, the decisions are theirs.
OP, the dropping-off is different for everybody. Some families linger, help kids move in, assemble furniture and help unpack. Others depart fairly quickly, still others let the student himself/herself dictate, feeling it’s their day, not the parents’. One college freshman I know walked into his dorm room, dropped his two gynormous duffel bags on the floor, let his parents have a quick look and then said, “OK, you’ve seen it. Now leave.”
Clearly, your son’s roommate’s mom is the less-is-more parent, though I agree that your generosity may have made her (and even her son) uncomfortable, knowing they can’t reciprocate.
All that matters, however, is how the boys get along. The parents are irrelevant.
You’re doing great. Very nice of you on the MW and frig and esp. the computer. Just stop now before your decorating instincts start in with matching bedspreads and curtains (although I’m wondering what goes with antlers at any rate!)
If you are concerned about the kids being able to furnish their room properly and not able to split the cost just give your son a specific budget for that purpose and let him take it from there with his roommate. You aren’t in that particular picture (as much as you’d like to be!)
I let the boys work it out when my S left. The school furnished microwave and fridge----yours doesn’t? They brought their own sheets, divided up who would bring dishes and bath stuff (bath in room so someone needed to bring shower curtain, bath mat). They can pick their own posters and decorations.
I was a make the bed and leave mom. My husband wanted to linger, as did roomie’s mom. Roomie’s dad and I conspired to create a clear ending and said " hey, let’s go out to eat at x." We walked over to restaurant. Kids sat at one table, adults at another----boys met up with more friends on the walk over. You could feel how badly the boys wanted us to leave and how badly two of the parents didn’t want to go! Once the meal was over we all said good bye and left.
Then play it by ear. S’s roomie came home more. His mom sent him back with homemade food. I mailed the boys treats.
OP, thank you for joining this site today to ask us for advice.
I’m assuming these boys have not graduated from high school yet. At this point in the senior year, I didn’t know any mother who had the time or energy to start purchasing items for the dorm room, because they were too consumed with the end of the year activities, AP tests, prep for graduation, and planning the all important graduation party. How have you found the time or inclination to do this at the beginning of May?
Have you already completed all the planning for his graduation party? Invitations are designed? Mailed?
People accuse me of doing things well in advance, but I could never start shopping for the dorm room before senior year was completed.
You’re a better woman than I am!
Skip the vacuum - there’s no room in the room and they won’t use it. The wire deer head sounds weird to me and it may not be possible to hang it, but if your son likes it - it’s your gift to him. I bought both my boys’s sheets - they didn’t want to come to the store with me. So I texted them the options once I was there.
What you do that day really depends on what the school sets up. My oldest child they asked you to have dinner with your kid and then drop them off at the dorm. My younger son’s college had a send off convocation at about 3 pm after which we parents were told to go home. Most parents were around on move in day, helping set things up, or going to the store getting stuff you realized you had forgotten or discovering that the room didn’t provide. One year my younger son had a room with no room for his books.
LOL–still have the receipt for the vacuum? No TV–a computer doubles as one pretty much. Futons take up a ton of space. Do they really need a fan?
My son never asked for anything either. And I thought of everything the first year.Most moms do I think. It makes us feel good. He always gladly accepted whatever I thought he needed…and then brought most of it back unused at year’s end humbly apologizing that he didn’t really need it nor had room for it. Which is why giving your son a budget to buy what he requires as he goes along is my advice.
Well I work 60 - 80 hours/week, travel 3-4 days/week, so I don’t have the luxury to put things off. Grad party planning is done. And I noticed last week at Target all the dorm stuff was out, and half of it was gone already. I learned that if you snooze, you lose. And by buying early, I got half the stuff on clearance.
What’s intriguing is the deer head.
Do you know the floorplan of the actual room that the boys will be assigned to?