<p>I recently visited my daughter at college and had to stay in her apartment for 2 hours in the afternoon until I could get a ride to the hotel. I changed my clothing in her bedroom (which she shares with one girl who was not there at the time) and really tried to stay out of everyone’s way (I sat on the sofa and looked at magazines) but her roommates have told her to never let it happen again-ever. Two of her roommates want my D to skype me so they can tell me how they feel. I feel absolutely terrible about this and if I would have known I really would have gone somewhere else. I know I took it for granted that no one would mind because I know my daughter would have no problem with any of her roommates parents coming and visiting for a few hours. Now I know I cannot go visit my daughter in her apartment because of the harsh feelings my visit created. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>My first thought is that your D needs to find different roommates next year. </p>
<p>If all is as you said, you were there for a couple of hours, I think the reaction of the roommates is odd and confrontational. They want your D to Skype with you so they can tell you off? That’s really strange in my opinion and borderline bullying type behavior. </p>
<p>I’m guessing your D was not present while you were there waiting? Did she inform them of your visit in advance? While this reaction is really odd, I am wondering if there is not more going on with the roommates.</p>
<p>How does ypur D feel? Did she know or think this waa acceptable in advance? From what you are sharing you have done nothing wrong and the roommates sound odd but it seems there may be more to tell. Why is D passing this on to you and why are they upset and she didnt see it coming if she lives with them?</p>
<p>Yes my daughter was there the entire time. Unfortunately she did not ask them if they would mind-definitely a huge mistake.</p>
<p>The question is – why should they mind?</p>
<p>She lives there - why shouldn’t she have her mother visit for a few hours?</p>
<p>Unacceptable behavior on their part, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Edited to add: And there should be no reason to ask their permission, either.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone. There was no need to tell them ahead of time and there is no reason (unless we are missing something here) for them to be so peeved. I think these are some very controlling b… Your daughter pays rent and has a right to have guests over for a reasonable time. Ask your daughter if she would have been offended if one of the girls had their mother over. Probably not. Very self centered behavior. Hope your daughter finds other people to live with. I think the CC crowd would like to skype with them.</p>
<p>Maybe they just wanted a little advance notice so they could pick up?</p>
<p>The skyping to tell you all about it does seem extreme.</p>
<p>I can only add that my daughter told her one roommate that she may want to put on a shirt while her mom’s here since she was walking around in the apt with only a bra on. I was there from 130pm until about 335pm. I
looked at my hotel check in time to verify the length of my stay so I know this is accurate.</p>
<p>Alternate view (seems like I always have that). Your daughter should have discussed this in advance with her roommates. This is THEIR place too, and they clearly felt uncomfortable having a parent there for an extended time. In addition, the gal walking around in her underwear…sorry, but it is HER home, and she should not have been expected to change her routine because a mom was there.</p>
<p>I would simply have your daughter say that she realizes she should have at least let the roommates know there was going to be “company” for a couple of hours. Then let it go. NO Skype…nothing else.</p>
<p>I know you are a parent…but think of it this way…it could have been a friend staying overnight, a boyfriend hanging out, etc. I’m sorry, buy I think the courtesy rules apply to having ANY guest in a shared residence.</p>
<p>I agree with those who think the girls are a bit out of line. When you share an apartment, there is an understanding that people have guests from time to time. For a short visit- like 2 hours- I think it’s unreasonable that one should have to clear it with the other room mates before having someone over. Do the girls all make sure that everyone knows a friend is coming before they bring anyone home? I doubt it.
It sounds like your daughter was telling the girl walking around with the bra that her mom was there- I’m assuming the room mate didn’t realize the mom was there and and it was just a heads-up so she knew- not a “my mom is here so don’t walk around half-dressed” admonishment. (If that’s not the case, then your Dd should have said nothing.) If it were me, I would appreciate knowing before I ran into a guest- any guest- half-dressed.
Does your daughter get along with these girls normally? It sounds like they may not be on all that friendly terms. My Dd’s room mate’s mom actually slept in their apartment when she visited. No biggie. They’re friends- they accommodate. Not that I think that parents should assume they are welcome to stay over- just pointing out that it seems the girls are being very critical, and I’d wonder is something more is at the root of it.</p>
<p>I don’t think you did anything wrong. I do think your D should have told the roommates you were going to stopping by for a couple hours. There could be many reasons why it bothered the roommates, but they should discuss face to face and not include you in that conversation.</p>
<p>I agree that this is borderline bullying behavior. Unacceptable, in my book. </p>
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<p>You have absolutely nothing to feel terrible about. Your behavior was entirely within the realm of normal.</p>
<p>We visited S at state U for game day. He lives in a quad dorm room. We called before we came up to the room and planned to drop off a few groceries and meet roommates for first time. One of them emerged from sleeping area in boxers half asleep and sais"hey". My daughter was with us. I had mixed feelings. Yes we were in his room for 5 minutes…but he knew we were coming. Similar to your Ds roomie running around in bra. Sure they have the right to do so. I hope my kids display more class in front of visiting adults.</p>
<p>I feel I should add, I’ve visited my Dd’s apartments several times during the 8 years she was on the other side of the country. Every time I walked in with her, I was greeted with smiles and hugs. In her last apartment she lived with three other young adults, and they would get up from their rooms to come say hi, and would hang out and visit. I often took one or two to lunch or dinner. Once I took a couple to see Blue Man Group. It would never occur to my Dd or myself that she would have to ask permission for her mom to come to her room- even hang out in the kitchen for a couple of hours.
These other three room mates were from three different countries, and they all had similar welcoming responses.</p>
<p>The roommates are way out of line, imo.</p>
<p>Having a guest for 2 hours in the middle of the afternoon should not require ANY advance warning in normal circumstances. Maybe if it was a father or other male, but you? This is ridiculous, and the idea that these girls want to tell you off over skype is beyond belief.</p>
<p>I do think your D should have let the girl walk around in her underwear in front of you without comment, if that’s what the other girl considers acceptable. It’s not like you haven’t seen it before. :)</p>
<p>Sounds like there is more going on here than meets the eye.</p>
<p>Diana, I think dorm setups are different than apartments and chances are if it was a game day you were there in the morning and chances are the kids had all been up late the night before. I do not think you should have been surprised to see a kid in boxers. I would have been more shocked to arrive at one of my boys’ dorm quads and found all four boys dressed, groomed and smiling sitting on the futon on a game day morning.</p>
<p>Yeah, those roommates are unreasonable. Like others have mentioned, your daughter is allowed to have any kind of guest she wants because she also pays rent and has a stake in the living arrangement. Would it be any different if she had brought a boy over? Another friend? A sibling? </p>
<p>And also, in the college culture, I don’t think you necessarily have to “ask” or “tell” when someone is coming over for a little bit. I’ve had countless times where my friends and I come back to my room after class, and vice versa with my roommate. That’s just how it is. I want to wind down when people are there? I either just curl up in bed anyway or leave to go lay on the couch in the lounge. It’s whatever. If it’s going to be a longer-term thing, then it’s nice to know, but if it’s only for a couple of hours, it’s really no big deal. Especially since this is an apartment where the girls have their own rooms to be. So it’s not like you were gawking over their shoulder the whole time. </p>
<p>Don’t let them Skype you, and don’t feel bad. Some people just aren’t friendly with everyone and they like their routines, but it’s not fair for you and your daughter to always have to conform to that. You guys deserve to see each other and be happy, too</p>
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<p>I’m in! They sound horrible. And I agree with Consolation that there might be something more going on.</p>
<p>I’d like to Skype with them. </p>
<p>Geez. What idiots. I’ve never even heard of this. Kids love to see the moms IME. We bring food, clean up the kitchen, take people out for steak or sushi which they can’t afford. </p>
<p>Your D needs to get new friends</p>