<p>Skype with CC’ers? I’d pay for a ticket to that one!</p>
<p>I see big savings in not having to invite any of the roommates out for meals or adventures.</p>
<p>I hope that this just comes from a roommate being embarrassed and is not indicative the general atmosphere in that place. </p>
<p>Hugs to D. CC clearly has her back.</p>
<p>I’m going to amend my original response a bit. I still don’t think it’s unreasonable to let your roommates know the mom is coming for a couple of hours…especially if this is what they expect. It is their house too. NOT permission…just an FYI.</p>
<p>And I think it is TOTALLY unreasonable for them to want to Skype with the parent. This is a roommate issue, not a parent issue. </p>
<p>And I agree with a poster upstream…maybe there are other issues.</p>
<p>I visited my son’s apartment frequently but never for a long period of time. Every time, I came with a grocery bag full of things for the kitchen. Then I spent time cleaning that kitchen. The kids were very grateful. My son did let his roommates know I was coming. Not unreasonable, IMO. They were glad for the cleaning and stocking help. </p>
<p>It would never have dawned on me to sit in my son’s living room (3 roommates) for an extended period of time…without helping out. If I wanted to sit and relax, I would have done so in my hotel lobby or at Starbucks.</p>
<p>But that is me. YMMV depending on your kids, their roommates, and what works for all.</p>
<p>I DO think a simple “please let us know next time” should have been more than enough from the roommates.</p>
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<p>Sorry, I don’t agree. </p>
<p>We’re talking a parent who may not have known she was going to be waylaid for 2 hours before having a ride back to the hotel and thus, may not have known ahead of time she was going to be there that long. </p>
<p>Second, part of the shared dorm life is understanding that the reasonable needs of ALL roommates are to be accommodated. </p>
<p>Daytime visits by parents for a few hours without asking permission of roommates who are otherwise not acting rude, creepy, or endangering roommates is reasonable</p>
<p>If my roommate’s/housemates’ parents came to visit, I would just think that’s a normal state of affairs that the other roommates and I would need to allow for without complaint or ** unreasonable** demands parents cease all future visits. </p>
<p>If anything, any roommate who makes the demands OP’s D’s roommates are demanding…and feeling the need to Skype the parents directly on top of that: </p>
<p>IMO, over entitled brats who were probably “raised in a barn” in the words of a certain CC’er. Their request is not only unreasonable, but way out of line.</p>
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<p>This may be cultural/generational*, but I and several other roommates/friends I’ve had over the years would feel really bad if our parents felt they can’t sit in our accommodation(dorm or apartment) without helping out. </p>
<p>We came from cultures/home environments where if you’re a guest, you’re not expected nor would we want guests to feel any obligation to help out…especially with labor intensive tasks like cleaning kitchens. </p>
<p>Nope…that’s my/my roommate’s job to do.</p>
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<li>Late Gen Xer</li>
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<p>I have three young adults: my youngest graduated in May. We’ve been through multiple variations of roommates over the years and, to be honest, I find this totally out-of-the-norm. I visited and my children’s roommates had parents visit.</p>
<p>One roommate’s mother had a key to the apartment which might have bothered me. My daughter would come back to her apartment and the mother (lived nearby) would be there filling the fridge with goodies. My daughter never minded (note the important words above). My son had one roommate’s mother (from Mexico) stay for a couple weeks. No one complained. The boys seemed to enjoy her presence - certainly the kitchen was cleaner than it had ever been. </p>
<p>Weird situation in your daughter’s apartment and I can think of no good reason for it. FYI I would be totally offended if the girls skyped me with complaints.</p>
<p>New roommates needed!</p>
<p>I have to wonder whether these girls expect the same pre-clearance from each other if some guy wants to stop by and visit one of them. Somehow I doubt it.</p>
<p>The roommates are bullies, and they’ve chosen this as one of the ways to bully your daughter.</p>
<p>I think IF I would have started tidying up the situation would be much worse because the one girls things were strewn all over the place and she would most likely have had a fit if I dare touch her belongings. And yes we have been more than generous in helping with food even buying gas on a few occasions since the one girl has a car.</p>
<p>Sounds like the roommates were out of line, but I wonder if there is something else they were planning on during that two hour window that they felt constrained from doing. Does one of them normally study in that room (and on the couch) during that time? Had one planned to have a SO over for the afternoon for “activities” (in their room, I am sure, but a parent in the apartment could scuttle that plan)? Did they have plans to watch something (TV in the living room) but felt they couldn’t because the parent was there? Do they normally play music loudly and felt they couldn’t?</p>
<p>I am not saying that any of these would be legitimate reasons to be THAT bent out of shape, but if you combine it with the possibility that the D did not mention that her mom is coming, it could be a partial explanation.</p>
<p>I do think the roommates are being queen bees, and the OP’s D should ditch them for next year. Although… the D may not see it that way, which could in turn cause friction between the D and her mom.</p>
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<p>I would ALWAYS want my D to let her roommates know I would be coming over, just as I would appreciate advance notice if someone were coming to MY house. That’s just common courtesy. However, that is notice, not asking permission. The D has a right to have guests over to her home for a couple of hours during the day.</p>
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<p>That was the policy in my home growing up. Guests who offered to help were warmly told their thought was sweet, but no, you are here as our guest! Much less would there be an EXPECTATION that they do chores when they come over!</p>
<p>If I were at my D’s apartment for just two hours, I wouldn’t start picking up or cleaning because I would worry that the girls would see it as a criticism of their “cleanliness.” I wouldn’t like it if someone came over to my house and decided to get the vacuum cleaner or bathroom cleanser out!</p>
<p>No… I might wipe crumbs off the counter if I were in making a sandwich or something, but also would not clean without asking. Once had to explain to one of my kids that the black stuff in the shower was NOT supposed to be there and recommend a couple of cleaning products, though. 
But I sure did not clean it! My kid was embarrassed and assured me over the phone a few days later that she had taken care of it and would keep it clean. The OP did the right thing, it could come across as disapproving if she started tidying up, and there was already some tension.</p>
<p>I wonder if it’s worse with girls. When I was visiting my son at his college a few months ago he and I had dinner with his roommate and his mom. We walked back to their dorm afterwards, and they told us they had to get ready for a party that was taking place in their room later that evening. But they didn’t ask us to leave. They just started tidying up the room, and we naturally just started helping them. A few kids showed up early to the party and I whispered to my son and his roommate “don’t you want us to leave?!” and they said “no, it’s fine–of course you can stay.” The other mom loved it (and kept introducing herself as “X’s new girlfriend” :)) but I was mortified. What struck me, though, was how unfailingly polite all the kids were (male and female) who came into the room while we were there. I never got a sense from anyone that I was unwelcome. Parents are a fact of life in kids’ lives, and I cannot imagine treating someone else’s mother or father with disrespect.</p>
<p>There’s got to be more going on here. I’d be tempted to Skype just to hear what these girls have to say for themselves. ;)</p>
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<p>Sometimes advanced notice isn’t always possible. </p>
<p>And in a dorm situation, most undergrads whom I view as ostensible young adults should have the maturity and perspective to realize that parents dropping by during daytime for a few hours, even if unexpected is part of practicing reasonable accommodations with each other. </p>
<p>Hey, they’re parents. Especially if the parents are footing some/all of the college expenses of the students concerned. </p>
<p>The roommates’ reaction would have made sense if OP unexpectedly came by during late/extreme early morning hours or decided to stay overnight* without notifying roommates, but that’s not what happened here. </p>
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<li>This would violate dorm rules of most colleges I know of as overnight guests must be approved by housing authorities and roommates ahead of time.</li>
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<p>Many including yours truly would rather parents react as if we’re performing on stage and played the wrong note/said the wrong line. Pretend it didn’t happen and allow us to continue performing. :)</p>
<p>OP, I’m interested in whether you’ve heard anything more about the incident, either from your D or the roommates.</p>
<p>They just wondered when I was coming back. I have no plans to go visit until the spring.</p>
<p>A couple of questions to think about:
<p>2) since this is a dorm, is there also a common room OP could have gone to? </p>
<p>3) I don’t think the daughter needed to ask permission, but it would have been nice if she had given the roommates a heads-up. Was there a conversation going on, or did the roommates feel they had to walk on egg shells because they were being watched? That is, did the OP help make the roommates feel comfortable, and explain that she wasn’t staying long? It would have been appropriate to say something to them too: “Hope it’s okay I’m here. I’m just waiting to get into my hotel room.”</p>
<p>4) what if the roommates like to take a mid-afternoon nap? Could they have done that? What if one of the roommates planned a study group in the room: would she have done that without asking?</p>
<p>Yes, it does at first seem strange the roommates were so extremely unhappy, but it’s their space too. As a follow-up, I think the OP should send a quick note or email, saying thank you for your patience while my hotel room was getting readiied and for any inconvenience she caused. No skype needed, but there should be a follow-up and OP should recognize the inconvenience she caused.</p>
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<p>Ok, but usually it is. These kids have their phones attached to their hips. A quick head up to all roommates in a group text is easy, and it is the CONSIDERATE thing to do. Do you want someone just showing up on your porch without the courtesy of notification? I sure don’t. I need at least 5 minutes to pick up all DH’s shoes which seem to end up everywhere or wipe off a counter or run a brush through my hair. In the rare occasion advance notice is impossible, fine, but that doesn’t sound at all like the case in the OP.</p>
<p>I want to add that I’m another who would not think to straighten or clean up when visiting. It would be a bit like entering my married child’s domain and getting to work unasked - in other words, an implied criticism. I do help clean up after myself if eating, etc.</p>
<p>Truthfully, I close my eyes and keep my opinion to myself when visiting. (Well, I did make a comment* or two re my son’s apartment with three other roommates. No need for exterminators there - even roaches and rodents occasionally feel the need to draw the line. LOL *Comments made to son alone away from the apartment.)</p>
<p>I’m so incredibly curious about why they would act so negatively to having you stay there for a couple of hours. I’m a recent college grad and I have NEVER heard of anyone being that against having a parent over, especially for a couple of hours in the middle of the afternoon. If you were going to stay the weekend or something, I could understand them being a little peeved without advanced notice, but you did absolutely nothing wrong and you shouldn’t feel bad about it at all.</p>
<p>I would never expect, nor would I think to even give, advance notice that I had someone coming over for a couple of hours in the middle of the afternoon. I couldn’t even imagine what my roommate would be doing that would make that so unacceptable (anything, I could think of would be easy to work around or would be something that they should have given me advance notice of).</p>
<p>I’d LOVE to skype with them to figure out what their deal is.</p>
<p>With regards to parents cleaning up, I don’t have any expectation of it, but I know some parents who certainly did. Usually, it was if they were staying the night, but my mom has cleaned by brother’s bathroom when they were helping him move out. His roommates (who were going to stay there for a few more months) were shocked because they had never seen the bathroom so clean. Even if it is an implied criticism, a lot of college kids need the hint. I had a friend who would always do her dishes when if my mom was going to come over because she knew my mom would do them and she’d feel guilty about it. Sometimes the threat of someone else’s mom cleaning up after you helps =D</p>
<p>Sorry it went so badly.</p>
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<p>Oof, I think you got sucker-punched by the reality of learning that not everyone is like your own family. Your D wouldn’t mind, but these particular girls sure did. I found at that age they are terribly over-concerned about what parents (whom they think are all the same) will judge them negatively, because their own parents would. Or, who knows, maybe one has a parent whom they’d never want to have access any more (e.g., an alocholic dad) so they want one rule to cover all: no parents in this apartment. </p>
<p>I think, if I had to arrive unannounced, I’d have taken the two hours in my D’s bedroom, rather than the common area, just to disappear more from view. </p>
<p>Had she gotten a heads-up (quickly, by cellphone) from roommates, hopefully the whole two hours might have gone off okay. If someone wasn’t comfortable in the presence of (any) parent, for whatever reason (to which they are entitled), then THEY could have made themselves scarce for two hours. </p>
<p>This thread reminds me of when my mother and I needed/wanted to sleep 2 overnights in the living room of S’s shared apartment. We bought their household a double futon couch for us to sleep on, and then left it there as a thank-you gift. All pre-approved. Craziness.</p>