<p>Wait, you guys are having parties without me?</p>
<p>FB is complicated because different people use it for different purposes. There are no rules requiring how one must use FB. One can use it as a simple bulletin board, or a as way to develop relationships with the opposite sex, or as an artistic expression, or as a way to bare one’s soul in a published autobiography, or as way to promote one’s talents, or as a way to creep on others’ lives. None of those things is per se “rude,” because even in certain real life contexts, all of those activities are acceptable. When one joins FB, there is an expectation that <em>friends</em> are going to post whatever they want, and if you don’t like it, you can block or de-friend them. </p>
<p>Which is why I said OP’s examples were not per se “rude,” but they may be hurtful to others, and posters need to be aware that their FB friends may view them in a bad light for what they post.</p>
<p>People use FB in different ways and I can only control my own use of it. I have a lot of friends that I socialize with and my friends have friends too, so inevitably there are times when Friend A is at a social event with Friends B & C and I’m not there. But maybe I am busy with Friend D that night. I don’t keep score.</p>
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<p>Since your post was in direct response to someone asking a question, you were not unilaterally correcting another adult’s behavior and therefore, you were not rude. The presumption in a thread like this is that all points of view are requested by the OP and that people reading an online discussion forum are interested in the opinions of others as well. Had you criticized or corrected someone in real life , totally unsolicited, that would be totally different. </p>
<p>If what you say were so, there would be no such thing as books or articles on anything from manners to child development because it might be read by or offensive to a potential reader with another POV. </p>
<p>I prefer to err on the side of caution. :)</p>
<p>And certainly can’t compare myself to an expert writing a book. I’m always well aware how presumptuous it is for me to give an opinion on anything, but that never stops me, and not knowing when to leave the conversation (or even just let others have a chance to speak) is a continuous problem of mine. This idea about different manners being acceptable on-line and in real life is pretty fascinating. It seems possible (different cultures definitely have different standards) but I’m not buying it yet.</p>
<p>In real life, if VAbluebird asked that question and several friends were sitting with us who make exactly that sort of facebook post, that would definitely influence my response… at least I hope so.</p>
<p>ETA: I was taught manners by women who really lived the rule, “if you can’t say anything nice…” They were pretty much saints. I am pretty much not.</p>
<p>I think, right or wrong, most people think of “facebooking” as communicating on a passive level rather than an active level-- kind of “this is what I did today, take it or leave it.” The people who care will appreciate it, the people who don’t will keep scrolling. You have no idea who will actually see or read or care. I don’t think most people who actually use facebook would view posting a picture of an event as the same as walking up to purposefully excluded coworkers and bragging about a party in front of them, it’s passive vs active-- again, right or wrong, I am not making a value judgment in this post. Just making an observation. Are most people capable of telling the difference between being purposefully excluded by close friends and not being a part of an event they have no business being invited to?</p>
<p>What comes to my mind is that I might post a picture of an event because I know some people on my friends list would find it interesting, while others will ignore it because they don’t get it or it is not relevant to them. My friend posted pictures of his birthday party the other day so the other attendees from the party could enjoy the pictures and so his faraway relatives could see them, I was not invited but I did not think anything of it because we are not very close friends these days and we don’t make it a habit to get together anymore. Though facebook is semi-public, not every post is intended to be a general proclaimation for the entire community-- you filter the things that you do or do not find interesting or relevant to you.That is the intent and the mutual understanding of the vast majority of regular facebook users. If you don’t like that method of communication, you don’t have to use it-- obviously if you go back to just writing letters and emails the rules will be a lot clearer to you and less likely to offend you. </p>
<p>I think we can all agree that anyone with a facebook page with a close, intimate group of friends who runs around sneaking off with individual friends and purposefully excluding the rest of the group only to post it all over facebook is a witch, but is anybody really talking about that? I don’t care if my niece went to the movies with her other aunt without me or if my BFF had some one on one time with one of our other friends, you can’t rub something in my face that I don’t care about. I am not sure we are all talking about the same thing here, can it really be rude for me to post a picture of me at the movies with my friend from down the street for fear that I might offend my friend that lives 1200 miles away? It has to come down to whether or not you have a reasonable expectation of being invited, and I don’t think you do have a reasonable expectation of being invited every time your friends get together unless that’s what you always do. If it is what you always do, this is one very specific very isolated circumstance and a no-brainer that doesn’t merit a thread.</p>
<p>On topic and funny: </p>
<p><a href=“In Your Face(book) — Here’s the Party You Weren’t Invited To - The New York Times”>In Your Face(book) — Here’s the Party You Weren’t Invited To - The New York Times;
<p>*In the parallel universe that is the real world, it makes waves. *</p>
<p>perfect - Thanks!</p>
<p>^Funny article. One good consequence of FB: It may help keep people honest!</p>
<p>What I don’t understand is why people who have opinions about FB don’t set up an account. Perhaps some on this thread can answer this question.</p>
<p>Facebook posts that annoy the bejesus out of me:</p>
<p>“It could be worse.”
“Pray for me. Results later today.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Etc… These are posts with absolutely no prior context. They are always followed by a long thread of concerned people asking what is wrong, and the original poster never says, though might send you a private message about it, if you send a private message asking what is wrong. Sheesh! If it is private, don’t post it in the first place! It is always the same few people who do this. It is a plea for attention. </p>
<p>People my age who only post photos of themselves wearing teeny tiny bathing suits, or too tight clothes from their daughter’s closet, or in provocative poses. We are too old for this kind of narcissism. I’m not talking about a happy, photo of yourself in a bathing suit once in awhile. I’m talking about a 55 year woman who posts <em>only</em> photos like that. </p>
<p>One of my kids is an active FaceBooker since the beginning and knows the rules. Another has an account but doesn’t want stalkers so is very judicious about privacy setting and randomly adding people. Won’t add me, for instance.lol. I have one but also rarely add anyone or post anything, I have used it to contact people for business reasons though. So, it’s useful.</p>
<p>Coworkers? You wouldn’t tell coworkers you had a dinner for fear coworkers would be offended they weren’t included? </p>
<p>I am big on manners, taught my girls they are the small gifts we give others. (No, I’m not always sweet on CC, depending. And yes, some CC posts do offend me. But context matters.) This takes manners pretty darned far. What else do we hide? A photo sitting on our desk or in our foyer? Tell guests not to mention the party? Just asking how far we will take this. </p>
<p>Those kinds of posts are annoying. My older sister posts, “Hey <em>husband,</em> bring home milk.” Why not just call or text him? Or better is when she posts complaining about him. Like “@<em>husbands name</em> It would be nice to have a husband that bothers to call when he’s going to be late, or you know, give a crap at all about his daughters dance recital” or something similarly uncomfortable. But most of my facebook friends don’t do that, just her, so I don’t look at it as a criticism of facebook-- just her!</p>
<p>I actually love it when people post all kinds of silly and crazy things on FB. I not only often find it hilarious, but I tend to be fascinated by how people think, and FB posts give us an insight into our friends’ minds that we might not get in real life (and certainly wouldn’t get from those who we do not see regularly).</p>
<p>Ecc, one of the worst: “walk of shame this morning.”</p>
<p><<<
Those kinds of posts are annoying. My older sister posts, “Hey <em>husband,</em> bring home milk.” Why not just call or text him? Or better is when she posts complaining about him. Like “@<em>husbands name</em> It would be nice to have a husband that bothers to call when he’s going to be late, or you know, give a crap at all about his daughters dance recital” or something similarly uncomfortable. But most of my facebook friends don’t do that, just her, so I don’t look at it as a criticism of facebook-- just her!
<<<<</p>
<p>Weird. Send her a link to the Get it Off your Chest thread here on CC.</p>
<p>OP, I am thinking that it really doesn’t matter whether we all think it was rude. The bottom line is that you were hurt that you weren’t included in these social activities. How you found out about the outings is not really important. There was obviously an expectation on your part that you would be invited. When you weren’t, you reacted like any normal human being. </p>
<p>But in my mind, the important thing for you to do is to re-evaluate these relationships. There is a lack of balance there and you need to pull back. I would not be counting these people among my closest friends, and would treat them accordingly. The statement you made about every other couple in the bowling group being invited but you, bothered me. If I were in your shoes I would find another bowling group.</p>
<p>"What comes to my mind is that I might post a picture of an event because I know some people on my friends list would find it interesting, while others will ignore it because they don’t get it or it is not relevant to them. "</p>
<p>YES! That’s it exactly.<br>
My most recent post was from my travels, where I posted pictures from my visit to Beijing and walking the Great Wall. I know some friends - both close and far-flung - will get a kick out of seeing it. Other people are going to scroll right by because it doesn’t interest them. Maybe they’ve been already, maybe they’re secretly jealous since they always wanted to go, maybe they’re preoccupied, maybe they don’t care. Oh well. I didn’t, however, march up to my workplace and stick photos in anyone’s face. It’s just a different dynamic.</p>
<p>Look, CC is a different dynamic! I’m much more blunt on CC than I would be in real life. Not that I’m not blunt, but I’d temper it a bit more face to face. </p>
<p>Personally, can’t imagine immediately re-evaluating these friendships. I might try first to figure out if there was something I should consider. Did they somehow think you were unavailable, leave a message you didn’t get or decide on the spur of the moment? Do they know you hate crab? Was it really every other couple in the league? Could be all sorts of things. Good luck with this.</p>
<p>I have a very close friend who I always have a good time with. Our Hs also like each other very much. I often see her on FB going away on vacations with her other girlfriends or have dinners with other couples. It doesn’t bother me because we get together whenever we want to. I am not friends with her other friends. I also don’t feel she chooses her other friends over me, so I am not bothered when I see her out with other friends.</p>
<p>What I think is rude is to constantly posting about one’s political/religious believes on FB. I get annoyed when people constantly check in. Some of my FB friends go to sports events, concerts or their kid’s events, and I find them to be of interest, especially when they are so excited about it. But if you are at a restaurant, there is no need to take a picture of your entree. No, an entree from Olive Garden is not exciting. You waiting for your commuter train is not exciting. I don’t get too many of those now because I have just blocked them on FB.</p>