<p>I am in need of some advice. My S had sex in out home with his GF. This, we have now found out, has happened several times before. I was suspecting that something was up and looked at his text massages one day and found they planned a tryst at our home that very afternoon while my husband and I were out. I was very shook up. My husband I talked with our S and told him that we were very disappointed in him. We reinforced the dangers of having sex. We said that no birth control pill is fail safe. His GF is on the pill. We took his car and phone away. I told him I do not want his GF at our home any more. I am having a real hard time getting over this and so is my husband. We are a religious family am I being too hard on him? My S asks me every day if I have forgiven him and if I would consider talking with he and his GF but I do not think that I could do this. They will be attending separate colleges in the same state.</p>
<p>Let it go. He’s all ready embarrassed that you found out and you’ve bestowed enough guilt onto him. Love him and don’t keep throwing the guilt at him.</p>
<p>Your son is asking for forgiveness, and for you to talk with him and his girlfriend. Under the circumstances that sounds like the best situation you could ask for. You say you are religious…not sure what your faith is, but do your son and his girlfriend belong to the same faith? If so, maybe a sit-down with your minister? </p>
<p>This is all very complicated, but most of all you need to put your anger aside right now and work with your son. He sounds willing to work with you.</p>
<p>I’m assuming your son is 18 years old since you said he is headed for college. Are you upset that he is having sex, or that he had sex in your house? If the former, then I think you need to realize that he is an adult and they are certainly being responsible if the girlfriend is on the pill. If the latter, then it’s perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to refrain from doing this in your home.</p>
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<p>Abstinence is the only way to act responsibly. Pills aren’t 100% effective, and do not protect against STDs.</p>
<p>I am assuming your son and his girlfriend are 18 as they are going to college. There is no danger in having sex as long as they practice safe sex (condom and another form of birth control). It is your house and you have the right to set your own rules, but it is not wrong for them to have sex, especially when they are 18 or close to be 18. You and your husband could have your own standard, but at some point you’ll need to accept that your son may have a different standard. He sounds like a very mature young man to ask you for your forgiveness and ask you to speak with him and his girlfriend. IMO, it is unreasonable to ask your kids not to have sex before marriage, especially when most of them don’t get married until much later. I would rather know if my kids are having sex and make sure they are safe(regular checkups to detect possible STD), rather than have my head in the sand to pretend it’s not happening. I would encourage you to have a talk with your son.</p>
<p>You’re right I think I am upset this happened in our home. He asked permission to bring her to our home while we were gone and i said no and then he did it any way. i am glad they used protection. I will talk with with both of them and ask if they can speak with our pastor. She does not attend a church.</p>
<p>I think i am just really shocked.</p>
<p>Why can’t you just let it go? The girl is not your daughter and to suggest to her that she speak with your pastor is not your place. I think right now the problem lies with you—you are shocked that your son is a man and not the little boy that you used to tuck in every night. </p>
<p>The worst thing you can do to him is to make him associate sex with guilt. Emotionally, you need to move past the initial shock. All he wants right now is for you to not be disappointed in him and to not hold this against him.
You’ve made your point with him. Let it go and enjoy your last year with him before he leaves for college.</p>
<p>I think a lot of this conversation needs to be predicated by understanding the relationship the S has with the GF. Did the OP believe that the S would be waiting until marriage to have sex? And if reality prevailed, are they in a loving, committed relationship? Regardless of the safety aspect (which seems to have been reasonably covered for pregnancy if not for STD’s), isn’t that what we want for our kids? To have healthy relationships of mutual respect. Banning the girl from your home makes it seem like it was all her and the son was somehow taken advantage of. And that, my dear, is complete BULL. </p>
<p>The real question of course is the disrespect shown the parents home. I have to admit that there came a time that I wasn’t constantly trying to bust up either our D or our S with their significant other. And we had definitely talked a lot about a lot of things. But I never liked the idea of kids going parking, which they will do regardless. Basically, I think the best you can hope for is that they believe they are in love. As we always try to say, you will never regret waiting for any of that stuff – sex, drinking, etc. – but there are a million regrets to be had by doing something too soon.</p>
<p>Your son wants to have an adult conversation with you. He deserved to be chastised and now he deserves to be listened to. You raised him to be a good man, why don’t you find out if it worked?</p>
<p>bbgg - if it’s my daughter, I don’t think she would agree to speak with your pastor, FYI. I don’t think she would be obligated to do so either. It is something between your son and her (no one’s business once they are 18). This is also something between you and your son. Your son needs to decide what’s right for him too.</p>
<p>I’m probably not much help since I am not religious and so I don’t share your values on this particular issue. I’d not be keen to find this out either, but it would not at all have the same emotional impact on me. </p>
<p>Now your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. But you might want to ask yourself about the intention and impact of your actions (the taking away the phone, car, GF from the house). Is it to hurt him because you are mad at him? Is it relieve your own pain? Is it to teach him a lesson and thus change his behavior? Is it helping anything or just adding another problem on top of a problem? </p>
<p>I’ll be blunt and say this: I don’t think you are going to change his future behavior. He’s not going to stop having sex now because you punished him. He’ll just hide it better next time. So you might want to ask yourself if anything is being served by staying mad at him and/or maintaining the punishment. It’s not helping you from the sounds of it. It’s not helping him. It’s certainly not helping your relationship. I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to feel angry (or that you can easily turn off your anger), I’m just saying it may not be good for you (or he or your family). So maybe seeing a counsellor or someone in your community of faith would be useful?</p>
<p>If your son and his girlfriend use a condom in addition to the pill, there is an incredibly low chance of the girlfriend getting pregnant. If I were you I would encourage him to take that route instead of telling him “DON’T EVER HAVE SEX BEFORE YOU’RE MARRIED!!!”, which is advice that he probably will not take. This is especially important because sometimes kids from religious families feel that anal sex “isn’t really sex.” Although anal sex isn’t going to get a girl pregnant, STDs can still be spread through it. Teach your son how to have sex safely, because the reality is he is probably going to have sex in college.</p>
<p>I think it’s perfectly reasonable to tell him he isn’t allowed to have sex in your home, though.</p>
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<p>I think you have a right to be upset, your son disrespected your wishes. </p>
<p>As for the sex part, I don’t know if you are objecting to that as well. If you are, I agree with others that it could be a very difficult path. </p>
<p>What do you expect from your son ?</p>
<p>I really, truly sympathize with you – it’s not just the sex (although I certainly have the same concerns about pregnancy, STDs, etc. as you) but also the willful disobedience. Parents always hope that our children will hold the same values that we do, but the reality is that they grow up and become independent adults who may have different views. </p>
<p>I encourage you to forgive your son and to have a calm discussion with him and his girlfriend. You cannot control what they do while away from home, but remember that it is YOUR house and you do have the right to establish rules and to expect your son and his girlfriend to respect those rules when they are there.</p>
<p>To add to the above re getting the GF to talk to your pastor. As a mother of two daughters, I would fully support their telling you to take a leap. 
However, I do suggest YOU go and talk with your pastor. And after that conversation if he thinks it might be helpful to talk to your son, I guess you could consider it. But at this point, you’ve made a way bigger deal out of this than you can now reasonably back away from without comment. Had it been me, I would have been ticked they deliberately disobeyed our asking that they not be in the house without us present and that by thnking they were fooling you, they made a fool of you. It wouldn’t have been about the sex per say, but it would have been about respect for my rules and my house.</p>
<p>My s was brought up to beleive that sex was wrong before marriage. I do believe he is way too young to fully understand the ramifications(ie pregnancy) before one is earnig a living and can provide for that child. While I am sad that he has not choosen to follow our beleifs. I do recognize that he has to establish his own set of beliefs.</p>
<p>You can’t bring up someone to believe anything. If he doesn’t chose it for himself, it’s not a belief. I think it is inappropriate to ask her to talk to your pastor. I can’t imagine her having any other reaction than “it’s none of his business.” She’d be right. If you need help working through it and want to involve the pastor, that’s up to you of course. The worst thing you can do at this point is to send your son the message that there are things he cannot discuss with you. You want him to believe that he can come to you about anything, anytime. That doesn’t mean he will, but he should at least feel that he will be accepted, listened to and loved - no matter what. Expecting no sex before marriage is unrealistic, and no matter how much you want it, the chances were never good that he was going to go along with that. Now, make the best of it. Don’t let your disappointment appear as withdrawing love and support. He is still no doubt a good person, a loving son and, hopefully, a good boyfriend. Those are all things to encourage.</p>
<p>I realize the OP is disappointed, but I think she/he should have a talk with the pastor to figure out how to forgive and understand. This young man and the GF will be off to college…and you know…the likelihood of them being abstinent is about zero. I agree that it was disappointing that they were in your house in your absence…but if it hadn’t been there, it would have (and probably HAS been) been someplace else. </p>
<p>This is the same kid you had the day before you found out he had sex with his girlfriend in your house.</p>
<p>You are angry on many levels. You need to think about why you are reacting so strongly and separate your anger from your disappointment. You need to find a way to forgive your son and reestablish an adult relationship with your son. You will accept his apology and move on. Give him back his car and phone. Keeping them solves nothing.</p>