<p>rules are fine, but in my experience we are all guilty of breaking them. </p>
<p>guilt is not a good thing to lay on anyone, let alone your child. compassion, love, and constancy all have better long term results, IMHO. believe me, you are not alone in this situation and i suggest you put efforts into acceptance, education, and moving forward. you will grow from this and so will your son.</p>
<p>my very best.</p>
<p>I’m going to add something from a kid’s perspective. I am not trying to bash you, but this is simply to open your eyes a bit.</p>
<p>First, he had sex. Done deal. You cannot change that. The only thing you can change is the way you’re reacting. Sex happens, in fact 47% of high school kids have had sex. ([Fewer</a> teens are having sex - Kids and parenting- msnbc.com](<a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19733766/]Fewer”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19733766/)) So, it’s not as if your son is some kind of freak.</p>
<p>Second, let’s address abstinence. Even though you raised him religiously, he’s no less likely to have sex. Kids who make “virginity pledges” are just as likely to have sex as kids who don’t (<a href=“http://thinkprogress.org/2008/12/29/study-virginity-pledges/)…so%5B/url%5D”>http://thinkprogress.org/2008/12/29/study-virginity-pledges/)…so</a> this is not your fault, or anything you could have prevented</p>
<p>Third, give your kid some credit. He used protection. I don’t buy into the “pills aren’t foolproof”. As long as the girl’s not a moron, there is like a 1% chance of pregnancy, so they were responsible.Those are pretty good odds </p>
<p>Fourth-Guess What? Its not like they need your house to have sex. There are plenty of other places to "do It’ Punishing him only makes him even MORE likely to lie to you. If you were just upfront with your son, and no, not through your pastor, maybe you could make sure he’s going about sex in the safest manner possible. Don’t take away his cell and ignore the problem. And don’t scold him. </p>
<p>He could have done something alot dumber</p>
<p>Spot on, rocket6louise. Gotta say I looked at your past posts to see if you were really a “kid.” I try to channel myself back to my 18 year old self before judging DS’s decisions.</p>
<p>Thanks to eveyone who gave their input. I realize that this a difficult subject. I do have a great Son</p>
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<p>tell him this.</p>
<p>First, I tell my boys condom, condom, condom. I tell them that this is totally outside of the “trust” issue as in “I trust my girlfriend takes the pill 100% of the time” and that boys need to also take responsibility for birth control. I tell them that the condom will also offer some protection against SDTs. I tell them if they are uncomfortable dealing with using birth control themselves then they aren’t ready and have no business having sex and I’m the Mom. I’m guessing my husband would say the same thing but I’ve not been party to his conversations with the boys. I do think you need to talk to your minister or someone who can help you forgive your son and at the same time talk to your son about using condoms. Unpleasant as it is to you, it is essential to have these conversations as parents. Taking away the car keys or cell phone or forbidding the girlfriend from coming into your house is not going to change the past and probably won’t change the future. All those things do is erect a wall that can only be broken down by conversation. Also, although I have no daughters, there is not a chance that I would have agreed to speak with your church leader if I were the daughter nor would I “make” a daughter do this. I think that seems pretty presumptuous.</p>
<p>But it sounds like you aren’t giving him much credit. </p>
<p>I agree that you can’t raise a kid to believe a certain way. Everyone has their own mind. They will end up choosing for themselves someday, or live a very stifled, unhappy life trying to live in a way they don’t wish to. I am not religious, but I live in a very religious, stifling place, and I see what the “rules” do to people. Abstinence is the only sex ed that is taught here – sex before marriage is wrong, wrong, wrong. Guess what. We have a high teen pregnancy rate, and the second highest divorce rate in the nation. Thinking you can keep young people from having sex is SO not realistic.</p>
<p>Poor kid. Don’t read his texts. He had sex, he’s not involved in drug trafficking.</p>
<p>If the young woman ends up marrying your son and is the mother of your grandkids (hopefully after 4 or so more years), how is your behavior going to enhance the grandchildren’s lives?</p>
<p>What are your goals? Don’t tell me I don’t need to know. But you need to decide what you are pursueing. You cannot make your son a little boy again. That is over.</p>
<p>Don’t burn any bridges. Your son is old enough to kill and be killed or maimed for his country. Accept him as an adult albeit an inexperienced one.</p>
<p>I expect your son is deeply sorry he upset you but not at all sorry he had sex.</p>
<p>A little guilt teaches discretion and a regard for the feelings of others. Excessive guilt leads to “extinction of response” and loss of influence. </p>
<p>I am 60 something, not a kid.</p>
<p>This situation strikes a nerve with me. My kids know there are only two things that makes Dad really mad: Doing something they know is wrong, and doing something they have been told not to do. Well … this episode hits both. I’d be really upset if I was the OP.</p>
<p>That said, I can’t imagine what else my S could do that what the OP’s S has offered. Maybe the meeting can’t be held this week … or even this month. But I agree that it’s a meeting that should take place.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys, is “condom, condom, condom” one for each or are you planning for possible initial failure and suggesting layers?</p>
<p>Apologies to all – I know this is a serious, sensitive issue. I just couldn’t help myself.</p>
<p>Well it helps to have a sense of humor when discussing sex with young man-boys and on a serious issue my oldest has a friend who is already a father with a young lady who “was on the pill.” Oops.</p>
<p>I only got to post #15, but I wanted to say I think it is a wonderful and remarkable thing, that he AND his gf want to talk to you about it. You are doing something right.</p>
<p>This is eactly what i am afraid of. One missed pill and one dislodged or broken condem could be devastating. I am not an insensitive clod. I was like all of you i thought i had an open relationship with my S. Lets be realistic here our job is not be our kids best friend but to be their parent. I punished my son for his last of respect to me and his father by using our house with out our permission. i will speak with his GF and my S when I have collected my thoughts and when I have come to te4rms with all of this. I plan to listen to them when we met and hear what they have to tell me.</p>
<p>I hear you MOM O’3. DH grew up in a very conservative religious family so all the practical stuff landed in my lap from early puberty on. But it was all fleshed out with a humorous twist to the practical matters … eyes rolled but message received. There was one time though, that DS came to the dinner table (along with his 6th grade sister) and said, “You’ll never guess what Mom said before my date last night…” that was responded to with a kick under the table.</p>
<p>They are adults who had sex. Sure, having it in your home, like having a party, when you said no, was disrespectful. But people have sex, and if they are smart and careful, birth control works. </p>
<p>If they are having sex and have been, they know that birth control works, and you can through the 1% thing at them, but it won’t fly.</p>
<p>Fear isn’t going to work here, as they have already had sex and lightening didn’t strike them dead. </p>
<p>Would you have rather they run off and got married so they could have sex guilt free and following your beliefs?</p>
<p>bbgg–I agree with others, your son sounds like a sensitive, good kid. but he is a young man and you need to accept this. </p>
<p>I understand your feeling disrespected by his using your house as you put it, and you have the right to set that boundary. and if you feel its necessary to have consequences for his breaking that rule, so be it. </p>
<p>however, the plan to sit down with your son and his gf to “hear what they have to tell you” is frankly kind of creepy. I do have a daughter and two sons, I set the same rule for our home. however if I heard my d’s bf’s mother sat her down expecting her to talk about her sex life, or to in any way shame them, I would be quite upset. and most young women would feel humiliated by that. (the other ones would flat out refuse to even meet w you for that purpose). Lets face it sex is about intimacy, and should be btwn the couple involved, thats why you don’t want them having sex in your home, it should be private. by the same token, you expecting to talk with them about having had sex does not respect that privacy–it is intrusive.</p>
<p>as others here have suggested, why not try to use this as a teachable opportunity where you can demonstrate respect for your son’s personal relationship, (which includes intimacy) and expect his respect for your rules about your home. good luck, its not easy…</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you all. You don’t say which religion but I hope it is one that supports forgiveness. If your son has asked for forgiveness, then many religions (particularly Christianity) would have you be a hypocrite if you withhold forgiveness (“I came not to call the righteous but the sinner”). That said, one does get to make the rules for one’s own living room! </p>
<p>It can actually be helpful to visualize all this happening at a different age. What if son and GF were 50 and you were 85? Would you feel differently? The same? Why? That can help you put your finger on precisely what bugs you and terrifies you and angers you (three different columns). Then you can move forward with some plan (burn the sofa, forgive son, very publicly install burglar/video system throughout house, etc).</p>
<p>Alas, taking his phone and keys is kicking him back to middle school. The man he is will resent that immensely – even as he feels frustrated that he is financially dependent on you and embarrassed that he got caught and . . . feels attracted as heck to GF. He’s a mess, mom. Any generosity and love and leadership you can come up with will be a blessing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>"Why can’t you just let it go? The girl is not your daughter and to suggest to her that she speak with your pastor is not your place. I think right now the problem lies with you—you are shocked that your son is a man and not the little boy that you used to tuck in every night.
"</p>
<p>I agree. I think it’s fine to ask your son and his girlfriend to respect your house rules and values by not having sex in your house. I don’t think it’s OK to expect your son’s girlfriend to speak with your pastor. I do think it’s time to realize that your son is an adult and will be choosing his own path. Also, most people his age are having sex, and most will do so if left alone in a house with their romantic partner, so if you don’t want your son having sex in your house, I suggest not leaving him alone with his girlfriend or allowing them to, for instance, spend time in his bedroom.</p>
<p>“This is eactly what i am afraid of. One missed pill and one dislodged or broken condem could be devastating.”</p>
<p>True, but she’s on the pill, and the pill is very effective. What they do is beyond your control just as whether their birth control works is beyond your control. Worrying about it isn’t going to help nor is clinging to the probably unrealistic hope that your son won’t have sex again until he’s well grown and married.</p>
<p>I have an issue with the age of 18 being consided an adult. </p>
<p>We all fly by the seat of our pants as parents. Lucikly i had great parents. I am always the first to admit when i have made a mistake even to my own children. I will carefully consider all of this we i meet with his GF</p>